by Brenda Novak
“I don’t think Mary would agree with you.”
“I don’t care about Mary. I care about you.”
“Well, don’t get too excited. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“How do you know?”
“I was there,” she said, even though the way Josh had behaved seemed to signify that it might mean something. If you can’t care about me, I don’t want anything to do with you…
“Whatever you say, Beck. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy,” she said, but it was a lie. She’d never felt more unsettled and…slighted in her life.
“So it’s already over between you and Josh?”
“It was over before it ever started,” she said, but despite everything, she couldn’t help crossing her fingers that maybe, just maybe, the future would prove her wrong.
“You’ll find the right man someday.”
“I hope so. How’s the baby?”
“Good. I’m getting close. Maybe I’ll go into labor on your birthday.”
“Since I’m not going to be in Cancun, I hope something good happens that day. A party at the Honky Tonk doesn’t sound as exciting as it used to.”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting tired of playing darts with Billy Joe and Bobby.”
“I’m just ready for there to be more to life,” she said.
* * *
WHEN REBECCA ANSWERED the phone several days later, she expected to hear Katie on the other end of the line. She’d overslept after a restless night, couldn’t find her keys and was already fifteen minutes late for her first appointment. “I’m coming,” she said without waiting for a hello. “I’ll be there in five.”
But it wasn’t Katie’s voice that came back to her. It was her father’s. “Where?”
Rebecca stopped dashing through the house and set the shoes, lipstick and gum she’d gathered for her departure on the kitchen counter. “Oh, it’s you.”
“Is that any way to greet your father?”
“Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to hear from you.” Turning toward the small bulletin board that hung on the fridge, she stared at a photograph of her entire family from last Christmas. She’d set it aside when she was cleaning out her purse, and Hatty had tacked it onto the fridge.
“Where’ve you been?” he asked. “Your mother wants to know why you haven’t been by.”
She hadn’t visited since the anniversary party because she hadn’t wanted to face their disappointment. Neither did she want to deal with any more criticism because of what she’d done to Josh’s truck. Even if her father was finished with the subject, her sisters and brothers-in-law would want to hear all about it. They’d laugh and send knowing glances at each other and shake their heads.
“I’ve been busy,” she said.
He grunted. “The least you could do is call once in a while.”
“You could call me once in a while, too, you know. The only time you stop by the salon is when you want me to cut your hair.”
“Yeah, well, we’re both busy. So what’s going on? Are you in some sort of trouble?”
“What makes you think that?”
“We haven’t had any crises in the last few weeks. We’re about due, aren’t we?”
Rebecca decided to hang up before the conversation deteriorated further. “I’m late for work. I’d better go.”
“Josh Hill called here yesterday,” he said.
Rebecca paused, feeling an odd sensation in her stomach. Word had spread all over town that Josh had broken up with Mary, but she hadn’t heard from him since last weekend. She knew she wouldn’t, either. He’d told her that certain conditions had to be met if she wanted to be with him again, and the desire to capitulate on every count—the whole, “I want you, I need you, I can’t live without you,” routine—was sometimes so strong she craved it more than she’d ever craved a cigarette. But she wouldn’t let herself need Josh Hill. She’d given up nicotine again. She’d beat her addiction to Josh, too, even if it took the rest of her life.
“What did he want?” she asked.
“When I heard who it was, I thought he was calling to ask me for the money to replace that Excursion you burned, but he said the insurance covered it. After that, his call was a bit strange.”
“Why?”
“He wanted to know how long it had been since we talked.”
“You and I?”
“Yeah.”
“What would make him ask that?”
“I don’t know. I told him it’d been a few weeks, that I couldn’t remember exactly, and he said he’d teach you to throw a football if that would help.” Her father cleared his throat. “You have any idea what he meant?”
“No,” Rebecca lied, gripping the phone more tightly as she realized Josh was on to her. He was starting to see through her, to see everything, and it wasn’t fair. This wasn’t a frontal attack. He was breaching her defenses where they were the weakest. She’d offered him her body, but that hadn’t been enough. He had to mess with her mind, instead. Or was it her heart?
Somehow it would’ve been far less frightening if he’d given her a quick tumble and moved on.
* * *
IT WAS DARN LONELY on the nights Booker went out with Katie. The following Friday, Hatty went to bed early, as usual, and Rebecca sat in the living room by herself, watching television. After an hour or so, she read a few chapters of a book and tried to sleep even though it was only eight o’clock. Then she gave up on sleeping, watched some more TV and considered calling Buddy simply for something interesting to do. She hadn’t talked to him since their big breakup three weeks ago and was curious to know if his dog had recovered from hip surgery. His sister had been studying for the bar. Rebecca wondered if she’d passed, and whether Buddy had ever finished the new hardwood floor he was putting in the small house he’d inherited from his grandfather.
Not too long ago, they’d intended to make that their house, their hardwood floor, their dog…. But somehow, losing the house and dog and Buddy’s romantic interest didn’t hurt anymore. Once her pride had recovered, everything else bounced back as though she hadn’t just lost the man she’d been planning to spend the rest of her life with. From there, it hadn’t taken long to realize that she missed Buddy’s friendship more than anything else. Especially on nights like this, when she wanted to see Josh Hill but wouldn’t let herself.
She longed to talk to Buddy the way she talked to Delaney, tell him what Josh had said, explain how badly she’d wanted him to make love to her last weekend. She even wanted to analyze possible motivations for his refusal and have Buddy help her try to figure out what it all meant.
But it probably wasn’t smart to talk about Josh. It wasn’t smart to think about him. Every time she did, she became angry over what he’d done to her—or what he hadn’t done, to be more specific—and swore up and down that she’d never let him break her.
Then she imagined how he’d react if she ever capitulated, and wondered if it would really be so bad to give him what he asked.
Drive by his place. See if he’s home.
The temptation seemed innocuous enough. Except that the voice in her head sounded suspiciously similar to the one that constantly whispered, “One cigarette won’t hurt. What’s one cigarette?”
“I’m not going anywhere near Josh Hill. I won’t let him win,” she said aloud. Then she called Buddy, because calling Buddy was a lesser evil than going out to Josh’s place. But even after she’d talked to Buddy for almost thirty minutes, during which they fell into a quick and ready friendship, she still couldn’t stop thinking of Josh.
Just drive by. Once. What’s it gonna hurt? You know you want to see him.
Rebecca glanced at the clock. It was nearly eleven. Finally. Though she hadn’t mentioned Josh to Buddy—considering their background, it was a bit early in their friendship to include love-interest discussions—she knew he’d think she was crazy to pursue him. She could hear him saying, “That’s the guy who called me.” She
could also hear Mary Thornton saying, “You think you can get away with anything.”
But she wanted to go out to Josh’s ranch, anyway.
Good thing she never listened to anybody, she thought, and grabbed her keys.
* * *
REBECCA SAT in her Firebird, engine running, and stared longingly at Josh’s house. At first, she’d pulled to the side of the road a quarter mile short of his place, just to be cautious in case he was up and about or had company. But no extra cars cluttered the drive, and the lights were all out. She felt fairly safe creeping closer.
She parked right in front and shifted to rest one arm on the seat, the other over the steering wheel. What would happen if she actually went to the door? Would Josh invite her in? Would he forget all that crazy talk about risk and “I go, you go” and the meaning of sex? What was the point? They were doomed before they began. He had to know that as well as she did.
But she couldn’t put what she felt for him to rest. Thoughts of Josh swirled around and around in her head, wearing her down, wearing her out…..
She tried to remember the last good night’s sleep she’d had and couldn’t. She’d been worried about Delaney, of course. Delaney had started having a few isolated contractions several days ago, which meant the baby could come anytime. Then there was Booker, who refused to give up on Katie, even though she had an undying crush on Mike Hill. For all his bravado, she knew he could get hurt and didn’t want to see that happen.
But underlying everything else was the constant magnetic pull of Josh Hill, which responded to no reason.
For the tiniest moment, Rebecca imagined telling him what was banging around in her heart. Maybe if she set the truth free, she wouldn’t feel as if she was about to explode.
But she couldn’t tell Josh she loved him. She could never really hope he might love her back. And what about how foolish she’d feel when things fell apart and the entire town had a good laugh because she’d thought herself capable of winning Josh’s heart? Even if he started seeing her, her family’s smug patronizing would veil a calm assurance that he’d wise up at some point. And what about Mary? Josh had always seemed so lukewarm about her. Was that the best he could offer a woman?
Rebecca knew she could hate a man and fight with him constantly. She could also love a man and fight with him constantly. But she couldn’t live with an impassive partner. It would completely strangle her passion for life.
Finished. Done. Decided. There’d be no strangling for her, she decided.
On that note, she put the transmission in drive and checked her rearview mirror. A pair of headlights stabbed the black night behind her. She felt a moment’s panic as the two beams reflected in her mirror, momentarily blinding her before she could shove the car’s gearshift into park and cut the engine to douse her own lights. With luck, whoever it was wouldn’t notice her. With luck, they’d drive right by. But the next house was five miles away, which didn’t make for a very steady stream of traffic, at least this late, and she had a sick feeling that the person coming down the road was Josh.
Curling her nails into her palms, she kept her head down and waited. The engine hummed closer. The truck—she could definitely tell it was a truck now, as she could see the top of it despite her position—slowed, seemed to hesitate in the middle of the road, then turned into the drive.
“Damn,” she muttered. Had he seen her? Would he surprise her by coming to the window? Realize she’d been spying on his house like a lovesick fool?
Her face burning hot with embarrassment, she raised her head to peer over the door panel. Then she breathed a giant sigh of relief when Mike got out, slammed the door of his truck and headed to the house.
Ahh…a reprieve. Rebecca knew when she’d tempted fate far enough. As soon as Mike disappeared inside, she started her car again and drove off as fast as she could without squealing tires and spewing gravel.
* * *
MARY CAME IN to get her nails done the next day. Rebecca tried to focus on little Jessica Ball, whose bangs she was trying to trim, but it was pretty difficult to ignore the fact that Mary was staring daggers at her from across the room.
“Sit still,” she muttered, shoving a toy in the child’s lap.
When Rebecca had Jessica’s bangs straight, her mommy paid for the haircut and the two of them walked happily down the street. Rebecca thought it a perfect time to escape—er, to grab some lunch. But she’d barely reached the door when Mary said, “Rebecca, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Rebecca hesitated, tempted to give Mary a firm no. Then she reminded herself that she wasn’t moving to Nebraska, that she wasn’t moving anywhere, at least in the near future, and decided it was probably best not to let the hostility between them linger. Josh hadn’t broken up with Mary because of her. Rebecca hadn’t even heard from him since the night he’d said all those crazy things, things she was sure he didn’t mean in the first place. That he’d happened to break up with Mary the same night was just a coincidence. Maybe if Mary understood that, they could return to being more discreet enemies.
“Sure,” she said. “Do you want to go in the back?”
Mary glanced at Mona, who was watching them both curiously, and shook her head. “No. You’ll probably tell everyone here what I said the moment I leave, anyway, right?”
Rebecca didn’t bother denying it. She knew she’d cave in to the pressure of having Katie, Mona and Ashleigh, the new girl, nag her for details of their conversation before Mary could so much as pass through Dundee’s main intersection in her Camry. “Probably,” she admitted.
“Well, I just wanted to say that I wish you’d told me you and Josh had something going, instead of sneaking around behind my back.”
“Josh and I didn’t have anything going, and we weren’t sneaking around behind your back.”
“Don’t lie to me,” she said.
“I’m not lying.”
“My next-door neighbor told me Josh spent the night with you a couple of weeks before he broke up with me.”
“And how would your next-door neighbor know that?”
“Randy told your sister, who told her best friend, who told her mother, who is my next-door neighbor,” Mary recited smugly.
“It’s not true,” Rebecca said, and felt okay with the lie since Josh hadn’t spent the night in the way Mary meant it.
“So you two aren’t having a little…fling?”
“No.”
“Then I guess you won’t mind me telling you that he’s going to come back to me eventually,” she said.
Rebecca hated the sinking sensation that came over her and struggled to keep her face blank. “He is?”
“Of course. He still loves me. He’s just suffering from a bad case of the jitters. It happens all the time. A guy gets too close to marriage and starts to buck.”
Horse talk again. Maybe Mary was perfect for Josh. “Seems to me he bucked you right out of the saddle,” she said.
“Not for long. That’s the point I’m trying to make,” Mary said. “I just wanted to let you know—so you won’t get hurt.” With that she studied her newly manicured nails and blew on the wet polish. “Have a nice day.”
* * *
THAT NIGHT after Granny Hatfield went to bed, Rebecca tried to entertain herself by playing twenty-one with Booker. But her heart wasn’t in the game. She kept thinking about Josh getting back together with Mary and how much she’d hate running into them. And she kept wondering why Josh getting back with Mary would somehow be more difficult for her to get over than her own breakup with Buddy.
“Quit thinking about him,” Booker said.
Rebecca glanced at the cigarettes in his pocket but refused to ask for one. She hadn’t smoked in weeks. For the most part, she’d managed to get over her cravings. But there were still times….
“Who?” she said, as though she could fool him.
“You know who,” he said simply. “You want another hit?”
Rebecca looked at her two cards as
though she didn’t already know what they were—a king and a deuce. “What the hell,” she said, “give me one.” She’d probably take his bust card, but standing on a twelve was far too conservative for her.
He slid her another card. When she saw it was an eight, she smiled broadly. Sometimes it paid to be aggressive. “I’ll stand,” she said.
He turned over his cards, and Rebecca felt her momentary joy evaporate. He’d been holding a queen and a jack. So much for the success of her big risk.
“How are things between you and Katie?” she asked as he dealt her another hand.
“About the same as they are between you and Josh,” he said, his focus on his cards.
Rebecca studied what he’d dealt her. “You’ve been calling her. You’ve been seeing her occasionally. That’s a lot better than what’s happening with me and Josh.”
“If you’re not seeing Josh, where do you go when you leave here late at night?” he asked.
He’d noticed? She should’ve known he would. “You don’t want to know,” she said. “It’s too pathetic.”
He cracked a rare smile. “Yeah, well, I’m beginning to feel pretty pathetic myself. Katie told me she’s in love with Josh’s brother last night.”
“I told you that before you ever got to know her,” Rebecca pointed out.
“It was a little different coming from her. Your timing was certainly better.”
“How’s that?”
“She waited until after we wound up in her bed.”
“Ouch.” Rebecca considered her cards again. A queen and a three. Not a big improvement.
“It’s a good thing we’re not in Vegas,” she grumbled.
“You going to take my bust card?”
She answered his challenge by motioning for another card. “Probably.”
Sure enough, he gave her a jack. Then he turned over a ten and a two and promptly garnered all the change in the center of the table.
“You beat me on a twelve?”
He stacked the money in front of him like chips. “When I’m playing with you, I always stand on a twelve.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?”