“Everyone thinks that this new guy, who randomly showed up, is my biological father. Apparently, my mom and he were close back in the day, and I don’t know what to believe. I feel like my entire life could be a lie and I have no idea who I am.”
“Wouldn’t that be a good thing, Ivy? From what I understand, everyone hates your father,” Frank says, pulling away.
I shake my head back and forth, “No, because then they would’ve been treating me like this for no damn reason, and I don’t know what’s worse. At least I can understand them acting this way if my dad is actually my father . . . but if he isn’t, it makes it so much worse. I don’t know if I could forgive any of them.”
“Oh, Jesus, don’t you worry. We’re going to figure this out,” Raven says, running her fingertips through the back of my hair. I want to believe that she’s right, but I don’t know how we’re going to figure any of this out.
Chapter Eleven
Exist on your own damn terms
~ AmazingMovement.com
Kade
I march into the kitchen after hearing Ashley raising her voice. Instinctively, I knew that something was wrong. “Why were you raising your voice? It doesn’t look like anyone is even in here,” I say after taking a look around. She’s in this damn place by herself, so there’s no reason she should be making a ruckus unless she’s burned herself or somethin’.
Ashley is the princess when it comes to our club, always will be and always has been. But one thing this princess is horrible at is lying. Her face is overcome with a soft pink color. You know, the type that is on Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. It’s her fuckin’ tell, and I plan on finding out what’s happened. “Ash, what happened?”
“Eh, if I tell you, you’re gonna be pissed,” she says lowly, biting her bottom lip. I remember this, she’d do it when we were kids to our dad to try and get out of shit.
“Ash, just fuckin’ tell me already. The more you keep quiet, the angrier I’m gonna get.”
She throws her hands up in the air, “Fine! I might’ve dropped a couple of hints in regards to the rumors that are circulating around.”
“What rumors?” I question, afraid I already know what she’s talking about.
“You know, the ones about Ivy not being Grizzly’s kid. Everyone’s been sold on the idea that Machk is actually her father.”
“What? Why?” Just because I have inside information doesn’t mean that everyone else does. I don’t plan on showing my hand before I have all the details either.
Ashley huffs in annoyance. “Oh, c’ mon Kade. You know since we were kids there were always rumors circulating that Ivy wasn’t his kid. She looks nothing like their entire family. Everyone is blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Plus, they’re pale. Ivy has tan skin, dark eyes, and black hair. You can’t tell me that’s not a big indicator right there.”
“Wait, so are you telling me that you told Ivy this shit?” Fuck, please let her say no. If there is any sort of God up in the sky, he needs to give me a break and tell me that Ashley didn’t just stir the pot.
“Well, yeah. I wasn’t going to keep it from her. It’s not like she needs another reason to hate it here either. Daddy is kind of a jerk to her, and I was hoping that by telling her it would make things a bit easier. If she’s not Grizzly’s kid than that means all of this hatred is for no apparent reason, which means it can stop.”
I bring my hand over my face and groan. “That doesn’t help solve a thing, sis. It just means all the shit she’s had to deal with is even more fucked up.”
“Yeah, she said something pretty close to that. I feel really bad for her if it’s true, I mean. Not because it would be a bad thing, but because of everything she’s had to deal with.”
“It’s not even something I want to talk about right now.”
“Wait. Do you think that’s why Daddy invited Machk out here?” Ashley asks. Now I can’t help but get confused.
“What do you mean? Machk came out here because he wants to put the Bears in the ground,” I say, but Ash looks at me like I’m crazy.
“Uh, I don’t know who told you that but Dad invited him. Sure, he wants to destroy the Bears but he only came because Daddy asked him to.”
“Interesting. From what I understood, Machk took it upon himself to come out here.” I look at Ashley and at this moment, she realizes she’s spoken out of turn. I wonder if Dad had her keeping that under wraps on purpose or if he just happened to mention something along those lines to her. Regardless, I’ll figure it out.
“I think Ivy went to go see Raven,” Ashley mumbles, but I’m not interested in looking for Ivy right now. Instead, my eyes are set on my dear old dad.
“Thanks, but I’m gonna go up to the house and have a chat with Dad.”
Before she can stop me to save her hide, I leave the kitchen and walk through the living area of the clubhouse, going straight out the doors without so much as a coat on. I make the short walk up to the old farmhouse I grew up in, knowing he’s probably sitting at the kitchen table. It’s what he’s normally doing if he’s not in the clubhouse, or asleep in that rickety recliner of his.
The snow is just starting to pile up. I curse at myself for not winterizing my boots yet, feeling the water leak into the soles of my shoes, soaking my socks. Fuck, I’ll have to do that later and remind the brothers that they should do the same.
I carefully make my way up the three steps that lead onto our wrap-around porch, making sure not to make a wrong step and land flat on my ass. It’s happened too many times for me to count over the years. When we were kids, I’d end up saving Ashley’s ass and sacrifice my own. That’s what brother’s do though, I suppose.
“Had a feeling you’d be making the trek up to see me,” Dad says as I come through the door.
“Yeah, well, considering loud mouth told me you invited Machk down here, I figured I’d pay you a visit. Especially since you told all of us that he was coming up to get some Bears blood on his hands. Not once did you go into the fact you invited him. Why is that, Dad? Got something up your sleeve?”
He narrows his eyes at me from the old wood kitchen table. “You have a lot of nerve speaking to me like that, boy.”
“I don’t know if you’re going blind, old man, but I’m not a boy anymore. Haven’t been for quite a while. Probably should’ve started speaking to you like this a few weeks back instead of now, but what the hell, we made it here. I want to know why you invited Machk. The truth, not some bullshit.”
My father lets out a low chortle before he says a word, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I have a theory that Ivy isn’t actually Grizzly’s child. I invited him out here to see if he felt the same way and the couple times I’ve spoken to him, I’ve planted the bug in his brain that it’s a possibility. It would make a lot of fuckin’ sense if she wasn’t his kid. You keep tellin’ me that she hates him for everything he’s done to her, but that can’t really be right if she’s his blood. If she isn’t his blood, I’d believe her a little more.”
Anger floods through my body as I take heated steps toward him, slamming my fists down onto the table. “Have you lost your god-damned mind? You think that if she’s not Grizzly’s kid, it’ll make you believe her? He carved her up like a Jack-o-Lantern. No father should ever do that to a child, much less, his child. Even if Machk is her biological father, Grizzly is the one who raised her, and that shit will weigh heavy on her throughout her life.
“Fuck, you and I keep butting heads when it comes to Ivy, and I’m fuckin’ sick of it, Dad. She is not a bad woman. She’s quite the contrary if you ask me. She’s smart, determined, funny, and compassionate. She tries her hardest to fit in with everyone here and just started to feel a bit normal before Ashley went and planted the Machk seed in her fuckin’ head. I haven’t even talked to Ivy yet, but I know my fuckin’ girl, and she’s not good right now.”
“You should be thanking me for even bringing him here if she’s his child than there’s a likelihood that I might like her at
some point.”
“Fuck. You’re losing your fuckin’ mind! Your attitude toward Ivy has nothing to do with Ivy. Can’t you see that? It’s all your deeply rooted emotional shit with Grizzly. That’s why you’re treating her the way you do. ‘Cause when you look at her, you don’t see her. All you see is Grizzly, and she is nothing like that old bastard. I need you to understand that.”
“I don’t know her, Kade. You can’t expect me to naturally like her when the man that raised her has caused us so much misery. Think of all the shit that’s happened. He orchestrated everything between Harry and Ashley. Fuck, she lost a child. All of that is Grizzly’s doing, and it’s why I have a problem.”
“Well, you need to get rid of your problem really quick, Dad. I just made that woman my ol’ lady and had her branded,” I watch as his eyes go wide, “and if that isn’t enough proof that I’m deeply in love with this woman, she’s so determined to prove to you she’s not a threat that she had the outline of an entire backpiece done a couple of days ago. She wants to be a Reaper, more than she’s wanted anything in her entire life.”
He takes in a deep breath and stands up from his seat, “Look, I want to like the girl but until Grizzly is dealt with I’m going to assume the worst. If you were in my position, you’d be doing the same thing. When that influence is out of her life, I can give her a shot, Kade, but I need you to understand the shit that Grizzly has done in the past and how it affects my mindset now.”
“I’m not an idiot, Dad. I know you always have a reason for acting a certain way, but you need to know when you’re crossing the line, and you’re doing that here. Shit, you might end up pushing the both of us away. I was gonna wait and tell you this until after Thanksgiving because that’s what Ivy and I discussed, but we’re gonna go down to the Las Vegas charter. It makes more sense for both of us.”
“What? You can’t leave. I’m retiring in a couple of years and Zane will be Prez, he’ll need you by his side.”
I sigh, hating that I have to say this right now. “Dad, I never wanted any power in the club. All I wanted was to be in the club, to be a Reaper, and I am. I don’t need the extra bullshit or responsibilities that come along with it. I see what it does to you and Cracker every day. Frankly, I don’t want it. I wanna enjoy my life, my brotherhood, and my family. I can’t do that if I’m too busy worrying about shit every day. Zane is made for it, but I’m not.”
“Wow. I never thought I’d hear that. When you kids were growin’ up, I thought you’d wanna fight your brother for the gavel.”
“I’m not a little boy anymore, Dad,” I gently remind him, taking my fists off the table. “I love you, but I need you to respect that this is something I have to do. We need to work together to ax Grizzly but I expect you to start treatin’ Ivy differently, or the both of us will be leaving a lot sooner than we had planned. Can you do me a favor, though?”
“Depends what it is,” he replies, lookin’ a bit aggravated.
“Tell the brothers to shut up for a bit when it comes to Machk. I can’t have Ivy freakin’ out, and we can deal with the other shit later. Finding out her entire life is a lie doesn’t have to be something she discovers right now.”
“Fine. I’ll handle it and we’ll worry about Ivy’s paternity after we handle the Bears.”
For the first time in weeks, I finally feel like I’m making some leeway when it comes to my dad. Maybe, just maybe, there’s still a way to salvage our relationship.
Chapter Twelve
“Too often, the only escape is sleep.”
~ Charles Bukowski
Ivy
I roll over yet again on this cold winter night. No matter how much I toss and turn, I just can’t seem to get comfortable. I’m exhausted so sleep should be coming quickly to me, but my mind is riddled with so many possibilities. Filled with things that weren’t there before, I can’t help but wonder what is the truth and what is a lie.
When I was a child, I heard the remarks made by others, but my father would tell them to shut up. Now, I think those people were right. It would only make sense if it turns out that he isn’t actually my blood. Every reason I felt disconnected from him would suddenly have a reason. It wouldn’t have all been in my head. I just wonder why my mother wouldn’t have told me. I don’t mean when I was a child, but she could have said something to me when I was older, around sixteen or so. Fuck, she and I used to keep things from my father and brother solely because they have the same mindset.
I think back to her and the emotions flood over me. How much I miss her. How I wish she were here. I want to know what happened to her, however, I don’t think I’ll ever get my answers. She’s been missing for years now, disappeared after her and my father got into an argument. I’d like to think he didn’t kill her, that she ran off like he said, but I’ll never know the truth. He was so adamant that she was a bitch who left us, went off to go find a new family, said she regretted ever being with him.
I can’t blame her for having those feelings. If the roles were reversed, I’d probably say the exact same thing. Still, to this day, I ponder about how the two of them even met. Never once was I told the story of how their love grew and they formed a bond. Instead, they just always seemed to exist. As I grew older, the realities of this life seeped into my brain. If I had to put my finger on it, I’d say that she sort of fell into his life. It happens far too much these days.
My mom isn’t a bad person, she’s a complete one-eighty from my father. Even though she’s been missing for years, I refuse to say that she was anything, because I don’t have confirmation that she’s gone. I will allow hope to continue on and long for the day that she may come back. If she’s not dead, she will come back. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself for this past couple of years.
I stretch my arm out to the other side of the bed and feel nothing. It strikes me as odd, and I turn to grab my phone off the bedside table. Lifting it up, I’m blinded by the bright light and curse at myself for not putting the damn thing on night mode—you know, the yellowish screen that shields your eyes. After my eyes adjust, I see that it’s a little past two in the morning. My stomach turns into a knot and I wonder where the hell Kade is. Last night, I talked to Frank and Raven for what felt like hours. I was too emotionally drained to go find Kade, so I came straight into the room and laid down. It looks like I fell straight asleep.
I push the covers off my body and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I’m in a pair of black leggings and a long sleeve shirt, so I don’t have to worry about covering up my body with anything else. For the most part, no one will see my scars.
Stretching my arms over my head, I muster up the courage to get up at this ungodly hour and see if I can find him. For all I know, he could be passed out on the couch. It’s not the first time he’s had a late night with the boys and just zonked out right then and there. Kade isn’t an old man, but he sure as hell isn’t a twenty-year-old who can handle his liquor like a champ.
Walking over to the bedroom door, I open it and walk down the hallway. There are still a couple of lights on around the club which is surprising at this hour. Normally, if there’s not some sort of party going on, it’s as dark as a horror movie in this joint. I continue going down the hallway until I reach the opening of the living area and see Bull leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. Never have I seen him smoke. Honestly, I didn’t think he was into those cancer sticks.
“Picking up a nasty habit?” I ask, raising my brow in nothing but pure judgment.
He chuckles lowly, taking the cigarette from his mouth. “You see, Ivy, menthols and I have had a relationship since I was about thirteen. Never has the bitch let me down, not once.”
“Ah, I’ve never seen you smoke until today,” I reply, walking over to the couch that sits a few feet away from him.
“Yeah, well, to be fair, you’re hardly outta that damn room of yours.”
“Touche, point taken, my friend.” I look around the room for a bit and notice that
no one else is here. It’s just Bull which makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as an eerie feeling washes over me. “Where is everyone?”
“They went out on a run. Connor was spotted on the west side of town, so, everyone peeled out about an hour ago.”
I feel a bit odd at the moment. Part of me is wondering why I don’t feel nervous for my brother, but I know that’s only because he’s done a damn good job at giving me the same misery our father does. Connor has turned into him, sometimes worse depending on the day or situation. At this point, I don’t have any sympathy left for either of them. All of it went out the window the day they cut into me.
Shit, I think about how far I’ve come in these few short weeks. I wouldn’t leave my room and now I’m gaining the courage to venture further into the club when Kade isn’t even around. I’ve learned many hard lessons in life and the one that speaks to me the most right now is this — our past doesn’t define us. Every morning when I get up, I silently remind myself of that. It helps me continue on throughout the day.
“Have you heard anything yet?”
Bull shrugs. “No, probably won’t for a bit, darlin’. If they caught up with him, it means that I won’t hear jack shit for a while.”
“Yeah . . . not to be rude, but why are you still here? You’re the enforcer. Shouldn’t you be with them?”
“Not when the most precious possessions are here at the club, and I’m not talkin’ about the guns, sweetie. I’m talkin’ about you ladies and kids. Our family is more important to us than our thirst for revenge, so I’ll stay here and protect the group of ya for as long as I need to.”
Chaos: A Reapers MC Boxset Page 8