by Jill Prand
Lisa
I hear Bobby calling me from a long distance and I’m trying to get to him, but someone is holding me back. I wrench my arm out and am suddenly awake. It was just a dream. I am at Brad’s house in his arms, naked. We had sex last night. No, that’s not right, we made love last night. I love him. He loves me. It was beautiful and I orgasmed so hard my ears were ringing. But then I have this dream about Bobby. He was so far away from me and I couldn’t find him. He asked me to wait for him, that he was coming home. Was it my guilty conscience that caused the dream? Probably.
My mouth is dry and I need a drink so I slowly extract myself from Brad’s arms and legs and make my way down to his kitchen. There is moonlight coming through the windows so I can see where I’m going. His house is quiet and familiar. This was his parent’s house before they moved down to North Carolina to be near his sister and her children, so I know the house well. They usually come up to visit once or twice a year but always expect Brad to do all the travelling around the holidays. He told me last night that he will probably blow them off this year and stay here with me. How am I going to juggle Brad, Bobby and my parents? I will have to be in Pennsylvania on Christmas because the whole family comes to my mom’s house. Which guy do I bring? How do I explain to my mom that I’m dating both of them? It is going to be an awkward holiday. Maybe I can spend Christmas Eve with one and Christmas with the other. Then what about New Years?
As I’m trying to figure out the best holiday schedule I reach into the cabinet to pull out a glass and an envelope falls out. I start to put it back but notice it’s addressed to me and it’s Bobby’s handwriting. What the fuck! Why does Brad have a letter to me from Bobby? My hand starts to shake and I have to lean against the counter to steady myself. A wave of panic takes over. The glass that I was pulling out drops from my other hand and crashes on the floor. I hear Brad call out my name, but I can’t answer him. When did he intercept this? Did Bobby leave this for me when he left and if he did how did Brad get it? The only time he was at the house was to pick me up, unless he’s been there in the past two days while I’ve been in the city.
I hear Brad coming down the stairs. “Lisa, are you okay? I heard something drop.” My legs won’t support me anymore and I slide down to the floor still staring at the envelope in my hand. Brad comes in and sees me on the floor, kneels next to me and asks, “Did you cut yourself?”
I shake my head and show him the envelope. “Why do you have this?” He lurches back landing on his ass and running his hands through his hair. “Please tell me you have a good reason for this being in your cabinet.”
He stands up and reaches back into the same cabinet and pulls out another envelope. This one is open and he hands it to me, “Arthur brought both to me this afternoon.” He turns the light on and I pull out the letter. I get through the first paragraph before a sob is ripped out of me.
Brad scoops me up and takes me into his living room and holds me on his lap in the chair we were in earlier, “Do you want to read the rest or just have me tell you what it says?”
I can’t talk. He’s not coming back. I’ve held him for the last time. I will never hear his voice again or smell that unique scent of his. I’ll never see that smirk that drives me crazy and melts my panties at the same time. “Oh God, I can’t live without him. Please tell me it’s a lie.”
Brad is rocking me and holding me tight. I don’t know how long we’ve been like this when my gut stops wrenching and I can’t cry anymore. I turn slightly and put my arms around him trying to get closer. I need his strength because I don’t think I can get through this alone. I need to know the rest and I think I’m ready to hear it. “Tell me.”
“He’s going to try his hardest to make it back to you, Lisa. He loves you. This is just in case.” His hands continue to stroke up and down my back and along my thigh. “You can’t give up. He just left and his team is good. They’ll bring him back to you.”
What have I done? I’ve slept with my best friend while my boyfriend is off risking his life somewhere unknown. I jump off Brad’s lap and search for my pocketbook. I have to find my phone. I don’t remember if I deleted Bobby’s last voicemail. Please let me have kept it! The phone is in my hands, I swipe my finger across it and open the mailbox. Thank God it’s here. I press on the message and hit the speaker button. His voice, so calm and clear, fills the room. “Hi, baby. I just wanted to tell you I love you and I will be back soon.” I play it over and over again while the tears coursing down my face fall onto the phone. Please, God, let him be okay. Let him come back to me.
Brad comes over and draws me into his arms, but I don’t want his comfort now. I don’t want him now. All I want is to know that Bobby is safe, but that’s not going to happen tonight. He’s out there somewhere with his team. Putting his life on the line for who knows what and I may never see him again. I push away from Brad and start gathering my stuff. “I need to get out of here. I need to go to the apartment.”
Strong arms wrap around me “I’m not letting you leave like this, Lisa. You’re in no condition to go anywhere,” he says. “Please, Brad, I need...” I don’t know what I need, but I know that if I was at Bobby’s place I would feel closer to him. I need to feel closer to him.
“It’s alright, pretty girl, I’ve got you and we’ll wait this out together, okay? I won’t let you go through this alone.” He’s always been my safe harbor and I think I’m going to need that now more than ever.
I let him lead me back to the chair and I curl up into a ball on his lap. I take the comfort he’s offering me because I can’t face this alone. I’m just not strong enough. I know it’s not right...that everything I did with Brad tonight is not right. The guilt is helping to crush my soul, but I’m not tough enough without Brad right now.
Brad
I don’t know exactly when she finally fell asleep, but her breathing has evened out. I glance at the clock and see that it’s nearly four o’clock. I want to take her up and lay her in my bed so she will be more comfortable, but I’m not going to take the chance of waking her up.
I will hold her as long as she sleeps. The pain she’s feeling is my fault. If I had hidden those damn letters away before I left tonight I wouldn’t have put them in that cabinet and she wouldn’t have found them. I’m going to lose her. This may be the only night I’ll ever have with her and up until the moment she left my bed to get a drink...it was perfect. I feel like shit right now for my part in this debacle.
She is so broken right now and we don’t even know if he’s okay. What will happen if he really doesn’t come back? What happens if he does? Either way I don’t think she will ever let me love her now. We’ll slip back into that friendship where I give her all the support I can while I try to keep from touching her the way I want to. Will it be like that time seven years ago when she couldn’t even look at me? When she woke up that New Year’s morning and remembered what we did the look of shame in her eyes killed me. She apologized to me...like it was all her fault. I tried to tell her that I was as much to blame as she was, but she just shook her head and said it was all on her.
She pushed me away for so long after that. We never really talked before she ran away to Florida for college. For seven months I stood in the background watching her try to live her life without either Bobby or me. It killed me to watch her put on a brave face and act like there was nothing wrong. The first month I tried to talk to her. I went to her house so many times, but she would have an excuse not to spend time with me. I begged her to just talk it out with me, but she wouldn’t. Finally, I just left her alone. We would say ‘hi’ in the halls at school, but that was about it.
Jodi tried to help at one point. She asked me to come to her house and she got us both in the same room, but Lisa was having none of it. She apologized to me with tears in her eyes and told me it just hurt too much to be around me. My heart shattered in a million pieces that day. I thought I would never get her back in my life at all.
Then when she came ba
ck a few months ago and we went out on my boat she told me she wanted my friendship back. That she missed me and my heart soared. When I asked her who she saw in her life five years from now and she said me I thought I had a chance. I let myself hope that she would finally be in a place to see what we could be together, but Bobby got there first and stole her away again. I couldn’t be around them so I took off to lick my wounded heart.
I had every intention of trying to be just friends with her when I walked into that birthday party because I just need her in my life, but her eyes lit up when she saw me and when she held me and told me she missed me, my heart flew right out of my chest again and offered itself up to her. My head keeps telling me that this will never work, that she will always choose Bobby over me, but I’ve never been smart when it comes to her. I always follow my heart.
Now with her hurting over him yet again my head tells me to pull back and see what happens before my heart shatters. I can’t leave her to go through this alone. It hurts me physically to see the pain she is going through and knowing that I had a hand in it hurts even more. More than anything I blame Bobby for this pain. Why couldn’t he just have left his damn letter with Arthur? Arthur would have held it until he knew the outcome. He wouldn’t have let her see it when we still don’t know what’s going to happen. She would be totally oblivious to the danger Bobby is in and she and I would be up in my bed entwined with one another peacefully.
Her whole body shivers and she whimpers like a lost puppy. I tighten my arms around her and tell her she’s safe and everything will be okay. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for this woman. Unfortunately, I keep fucking up. I knew we should have taken things slower. I should never have brought her back here tonight. If I had taken her back to Jodi’s we could have curled up on the couch and things would never have gotten as far as they did. She would still be blessedly ignorant of the fact that there is a possibility that Bobby may not come back and she would be in her own bed asleep right now.
Please God, don’t let her push me away this time. I don’t think she will be able to get through this on her own, especially if the worst happens. I follow my plea up with an Our Father. I haven’t actually prayed in years and I don’t know if God will listen to my plea, but I have to try everything I can.
Time is moving quickly and I feel her start to stir again. I know she will need to get home soon, but I don’t want her to have to face reality yet. I rub her back and press my cheek down on her head hoping that the comfort will cause her to sleep longer. My hopes are dashed when her alarm goes off on her phone. She quiets it quickly and I tense in anticipation for how she will react in the morning light.
“I’m sorry, Brad,” she says quietly.
“For what, pretty girl?” She has nothing to be sorry for. If anything, I should be the one apologizing to her.
“You can’t be comfortable holding me like this for so long,” she says. “Lisa, I will hold you as long as you need me to,” I want to tell her I will always be here for her but I don’t know if she wants to hear that right now. “Do you want to talk about it?” Her whole body is shaking again.
“I’m scared, Brad, but I’m also angry at him. First, for not telling me that this mission was so dangerous, and second, for dragging you into this.” She looks up at me with bloodshot eyes full of pain.
I caress her cheek and place a kiss on her forehead. “I understand why he didn’t tell you how dangerous the mission was. I probably would have done the same thing. As for why he sent me the letters, I think he was hoping I could help you if the worst happens. I just wish Arthur hadn’t given them to me so soon. And I am so sorry that you found them. I was still trying to work out whether to tell you or to hold them until we knew the outcome.”
“This is what you wouldn’t tell me last night at dinner, wasn’t it?” “Yeah, I wasn’t dealing with all the information well. You and I have never kept secrets from each other, but the thought of bringing you pain over something that hasn’t happened yet was worse than keeping quiet,” I tell her. My internal struggle is why she knows now. If I had just done as he asked and hidden the letter away until I knew one way or another she wouldn’t have found it.
“You did nothing wrong, Brad. The anguish I feel is all due to Bobby. He’s the one that couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me what was going on. He’s the one who is a coward to ask you to deal with hurting me. When he gets back he’s not going to be happy when I tell him how mad I am at him.” Her façade slips, “If, if he gets back,” she whispers reminding herself of the possibility.
I tilt her head up to me and wipe away her tears. “You have to believe he is coming back, Lisa. Don’t let yourself consider any other scenario right now.”
“But what happens if he doesn’t, Brad?” “We’ll deal with it if it happens and not before, okay? You need to be strong now and have hope.” I press her head back against my chest. “I won’t let you do this on your own, Lisa. I will help you any way I can.”
“Thank you, Brad, you’re a good man and I’m blessed to have you in my life.” God must be watching out for me just a little for her to say something like that. Now let’s just hope he’s looking out for Bobby as well.
“I love you, Lisa, and you will always have me in your life.” Please don’t let my admission scare her off.
She moves to straddle me and places both her hands on my face, “I love you, too, Brad. I just wish I could give you my whole heart, you deserve to have someone love only you.”
Before I can answer her, the pain in my legs from the blood rushing back into them makes me grimace and moan. She jumps off my lap asking, “Are you okay?”
I nod my head and grit my teeth. “Pins and needles in my legs.” She drops down on her knees next to me and picks up one of my legs, flexing both my knee and ankle to try and help get the circulation flowing. She does the same to the other leg then looks up at me. “Any better?” How do I tell her that just her hands on me makes me forget about the pain, that I would do anything for her touch?
“Better, thanks,” I say even though the tingling is still there. “Do you want some coffee?” I don’t really think she should go into work today, but I know her and she won’t skip just because she is worried.
“No, I will get some when I get home.” She starts to get up and then stops looking up at me with a questioning look. “What are you doing Friday?”
I forgot all about asking her to the charity event. “I’m working Kevin’s corner at a charity event. Do you want to come? It’s a really good cause.” I start to tell her about it but she is shaking her head. “My office Christmas party is Friday, the one I’ve been helping to plan. I was going to ask if you would go with me, but don’t worry about it. It’s not like I really need a date.”
Shit! I can’t bail on Kevin, but I really would like to go with her. “Is it just office staff and their significant others?” I have a feeling it’s not.
“No, we are inviting the major clients, too. It is going to be at Joseph’s; we are renting out the whole restaurant for the night.” I may have to make a call, “Is Stuart going to be there?” She stands up and starts to collect her stuff, “Yeah, he’ll be there, but don’t worry there will be so many people there that I will be able to stay away from him.”
I don’t like the fact that she will be there alone with him there. I know from what she’s told me that he did not take the breakup well and she should have someone with her just in case he goes into asshole mode. Who can I send with her at the last minute?
She’s got all her stuff and is getting her coat on when she looks at me, “Are you going to drive me home or am I walking?” She asks with a laugh.
Damn, I forgot I picked her up last night. I get to my feet and am thankful I can feel my toes. I slip on my docksiders and grab a jacket. “Where did I leave my keys?” I wonder aloud. Lisa laughs again, I have a feeling it is more a nervous laugh than actual humor. I know she must be hurting, but she’s trying to keep me from seeing
it.
I find them on the kitchen counter and we start out the door. Before I can lock the door she says, “Brad, can I have your letter?” “Are you really sure?” I turn to her, “Why not wait a couple of days before you try to deal with this? You just spoke with him yesterday and they are probably not even at the mission site yet. Put it out of your head until at least the weekend.”
“I don’t think I can,” she says leaning against me. “I didn’t get to read the whole thing last night and I need to know exactly what it says. I will not read my letter until we know one way or the other, but I need yours.”
I don’t really like the idea of her having it. I think she will just obsess over it until it drives her crazy, but I can’t deny her either. “How about we leave it for now and tonight I will bring it over to you. You can read it with me, Jodi and John there and we can discuss it. I really want you to have someone with you when you read the whole thing.” I hug her to me. “Please, just go to work and not think about it until tonight. I want to be able to hold you when you read it and there is no time now.”
She squeezes me and I think she is giving in, “Alright, I will wait until tonight, but I want you at the house at six not a minute later.” We walk to my car still holding each other. “I promise to be there at six.” I unlock my car and open the door for her to get in. “I love you,” I say as she sits down. She looks up at me and I can’t tell what she’s feeling. There are too many emotions flirting in her eyes, doubt, longing, fright and even love, but is the love for me or Bobby?
When we get to her place, I walk her in. Jodi is just reaching the kitchen yawning and remarks, “You two were out late.” She takes one look at us and stops. “What’s wrong?”
Lisa shakes her head. “Not now, I need to get ready.” Then she walks towards her room.
Jodi looks at me and motions me to follow her. She heads right for the coffee pot. “What happened?”