by Jill Prand
You changed all that the moment I saw you again. I had given up hope of you ever being mine, then you moved back here and my heart started beating again. I woke up each morning with a single purpose: getting you back.
I wasn’t one of the original producers of Joe’s show. In fact I only came on when Joe invited me to opening night. I found out they didn’t have enough capital for an opening party. In fact they were having trouble meeting payroll because they hadn’t sold enough pre-sales. I offered the party as well as other financial assistance just to get you alone at that party. All for you, baby.
You took my breath away that night. The look of utter surprise when you first saw me that morphed quickly to hatred floored me. You dragged Jodi away with you and all I could think about was chasing after you and holding you in my arms. I think I almost broke Stuart’s hand when Jimmy introduced him as your date. Then you came over and played all into him, but you kept looking at me. I wanted to kill him for daring to touch you. Then I cornered you in the hallway. I can still feel the electricity from touching your arm and when you looked at me. I saw the anger, but underneath that I saw pain and a little spark of lust. I felt you tremble and knew you were feeling the pull just as I was. I bided my time watching you from across the room. Then you had to ask Stuart to go make out in the back of one of the vans and I saw red. I couldn’t get to you fast enough. I paid the bill and started ushering everyone out the doors. His hands were on you when we opened the van door, but the flush in your face wasn’t from him. It was because you were remembering being with me. The best part of that night, the only part I could actually breathe, was when we danced. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to pick you up and carry you out of there. All I wanted to do was keep you in my arms forever.
The next morning when we met outside of my place you undressed me with your eyes and I was instantly hard. If Jimmy hadn’t been in my apartment, I would have carried you up there and showed you just how much I needed you. Then Monday you said we could try and I finally felt like my world was whole. I broke every rule on that mission, bringing my phone with me and talking to you daily, but I didn’t care. You were all I could think about.
Since we’ve been together I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been. You are the one thing that makes my life real, that brings hope and love into what was a life of just going through the motions. I can’t be sorry for loving you, but I’m sorry for the pain you’re in right now. I wish I could take it away. I wish I was holding you. I wish I could be inside you one more time.
I want you to find someone to share your life with. Someone who will love you as much as I do. Brad loves you and when you’re ready I think you should give him a chance. You have to live, baby. Please don’t waste your life mourning me.
I’m giving you back your heart, baby, and you will always have mine. I love you, Lisa. I always have. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know I need to. Know that my last thought will be about you.
I love you. You are my heart.
Bobby I clutch the pages to my chest and wrap the rest of my body around it. I didn’t think I could hurt more than I did, but this pain is bone deep. I gasp for air in between sobs and wails. I don’t think I can live with this. I just want to be with him.
I don’t know how long I lay there before Brad comes in and scoops me into his arms. “I can’t take it anymore, Lisa. You’re killing me, pretty girl. I need you to calm down, please Lisa.” He rocks me back and forth like he’s comforting a child. I just can’t stop.
I let go of the letter with one hand and grab the front of Brad’s shirt now damp with my tears, “It hurts so bad. I didn’t know I could hurt this bad. I don’t think I can get through this.”
I feel him nod his head and then Jodi is kneeling in front of us. She turns my head to her, “Lisa, Bobby wouldn’t want this for you. He loved you and would want you to live. Don’t let him down. You are a strong woman and you will get through this.”
I’m not sure I believe her, but what she said about Bobby is true. He told me to live so I will try.
Bobby’s Memorial
Brad
I woke up with a feeling of dread and it took me a minute to realize I was going to have to watch the woman I love live through the worst day of her life. Her wails from the night before come back to me. Jodi and I tried to comfort her, but we failed. Lisa finally cried herself to sleep with Jodi’s arms wrapped around her. I wanted to be the one to hold her, to try to take away her pain, but she was grieving for him. She asked me to just be her friend again and that’s killing me, but I understand that the guilt is eating away at her. I can only hope that once she comes to terms with Bobby’s death, she will open her heart to me again.
I go into the bathroom to get ready and look at myself in the mirror. I look like shit! The dark circles under my eyes make me look like a raccoon and the days of growth on my face remind me why I’ve never wanted a beard. I don’t get that sexy look that some guys do, my beard grows out unevenly, some hairs longer than the others and the blonde sort of washes out against my face. I run my hand over my jaw then grab for the shaving lotion. I’m halfway through when my phone rings. I run into the bedroom and the caller ID shows Jodi’s number, “Hello,” I say hoping it’s Lisa, but it’s not.
“Hey Brad,” John says, “are you going straight to the service or are you coming here first?” I want to go there, but I don’t want to intrude if Lisa doesn’t want me there.
“What does Lisa want?” I am hoping she asked for me.
“Jodi thinks you should be here,” he tells me, which isn’t the answer I wanted. “She’s helping Lisa get ready, but she came out to ask me to call you. I don’t know if it was Jodi or Lisa’s idea.” Okay, so it could have been Lisa asking for me.
“What time are you leaving?” I will have to rush now to get over there. “Around nine-thirty, I want to get her there before the crowd. She hasn’t decided if she’s going to talk yet.” John thinks she should say something, but I don’t want this day to be harder for her and that would just stress her out more. Ultimately though, it will be her decision.
“I’ll be there by nine-fifteen,” I tell him. Silence on the other end reminds me that John has lost a close friend and he’s gotta be hurting, too. “Are you okay?” I ask.
“I just have to get through it for them. He would have wanted me to do this for her.” I can hear the strain in his voice and I’m sure his eyes won’t be dry today.
“Well, I’m in the middle of shaving, let me get back to it and I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
“Okay, I’ll tell them you’re on your way,” he sighs. “Thanks, Brad.” And he hangs up. John and I have become good friends, but I’ve only known him since high school. He’s known Bobby all his life. John’s planned this whole thing to say goodbye to Bobby and I envy his strength; I’m not sure I could have done it and stayed sane.
I pull into Jodi’s driveway at 9:12 and grab the coffees I stopped for on the way. I know I need the caffeine, I figured they would as well. John opens the door before I even knock. “God, I’m glad you’re here,” he says grabbing the coffees out of my hands, “Lisa is saying she can’t do this. You need to go talk to her.”
Jodi comes out and grabs a coffee from John, her blonde hair is up in some type of knot and she is wearing a simple black dress. Her eyes are red and without makeup you can barely see her eyelashes making her eyes look weird. She turns to me, “She’s dressed except for her shoes, but she won’t come out.” Jodi sags against John and I feel bad for leaving them last night. Jodi is dealing with not only Lisa’s pain but John’s as well.
I take one of the coffees and head towards Lisa’s room. What the hell am I going to say to her? She has to go today, if she doesn’t she’ll regret it for the rest of her life. And not only that, but until she believes that he’s gone she won’t move on with me. She’s sitting on the far side of the bed staring out the window. “I can’t do it, Jodes,” she says sounding so defeated.
“I’m not strong enough to do it, Brad.” She lays her head on my shoulder, “It doesn’t feel right. I thought when your soul mate dies you’re supposed to feel it. My heart is telling me he’s still alive.” The air leaves my lungs, she could be right. He may not be dead, he might be being tortured right at this moment. He might live for weeks yet, but eventually they’ll kill him. Will she feel it when they do? Do I tell her the truth? “I mean we don’t have his body, he could still be alive, right?” She doesn’t want to let him go and if I tell her the truth she never will.
I put my arm around her and press my mouth to her hair, “If there was a chance do you think the guys in his group would have left?” Please don’t look up into my eyes I pray, she can always tell when I’m lying.
Her head drops, thank god. “No, they wouldn’t leave him,” she whispers, “but what if he wasn’t dead?”
“I don’t think he would have been offered medical help. He’s gone Lisa. I’m sorry, pretty girl, I wish I could tell you something different.” Yeah, like the truth. I don’t know if he’s dead any more than you do. She turns her head and I kiss her forehead before she can look up at me. “We’re gonna get you through this, Lisa. Jodi, John and I will be with you every step of the way. You can lean on us; we’ll take care of you.”
She takes a long breath, “Okay, Brad. You’re right, I need to do this. I need to say goodbye,” she stands up and turns to me holding out her hand. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”
John set the service up at The Cameo which is a banquet hall on the bay. There will be a brunch afterward for anyone who wants to stay. The Cameo is usually used for weddings, but I know why John chose it. Rob Alvino’s family runs it and Rob went to school with us. John is expecting a large turnout between all our school friends and Bobby’s business associates plus Jimmy contacted more guys from the Army. When we pull up there is already a line of cars in front of us. The valets are parking the cars in the back lot, but Rob is looking out for us. He motions for us to park in a space by the side of the building reserved for his family. Rob hugs John and whispers something in his ear, then he turns to Lisa. “I’m so sorry, Lisa,” he says as he hugs her. “Bobby was a great guy.” He releases her, shakes my hand and gives Jodi a quick squeeze before ushering us inside.
Lisa’s mom is standing to the right of the doors waiting for us. She hugs us all in turn. “What can I do to help today?” She asks John.
“You’re already doing it,” John answers. I don’t think Lisa realizes that her mom is going to speak during the service. “Well, if you need anything else please let me know. Lisa, we’ll be right behind you so just turn around if you need us.” She hugs Lisa again. “You’ve got some people who want to talk to you,” she nods at someone behind us.
I turn my head and there is a wall of dress uniforms. Lisa gasps and grabs my arm to steady herself. One of them steps forward, the man is big. He’s a few inches taller than me and built like a brick wall. He takes Lisa’s hands, “I’m so sorry, Lisa,” there are tears forming in the eyes of this formidable man. “We didn’t realize he’d been shot until it was too late.” He bows his head unable to keep her gaze.
Lisa steps closer to him and looks up trying to catch his eye. “I don’t blame you, Chris,” she says softly. She steps back looking at them as a group and in a louder voice says, “I don’t blame any of you. I know you would have brought him back if you were able.” She steps around Chris to take another hand and is immediately engulfed by uniformed men.
Chris pulls me into the corner as she is distracted. “How is she, really?” he asks. The question surprises me, but I know that these guys take care of their own and his distress was evident when he was speaking with Lisa.
“She’s having a hard time believing he’s dead. She thinks she would have felt it.” Chris nods his head, “You’re right not to give her false hope. We’re contacting everyone we know in the area to see if we can locate him, but have come up with nothing. We all agreed that she shouldn’t know because at this point we don’t think we’ll find him in time.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Just be there for her. It’s what Bobby wanted, man. He told us.” It makes me realize that Bobby may have no blood relatives, but these men were his family. He confided in them and may have lost his life protecting their backs.
John comes over. “Which one of you will be speaking?” he asks Chris.
Chris stands a little taller while saying, “I’m going to have that honor.” John nods. “You’ll be right after Lisa’s mom and right before me.” I didn’t know that John planned on saying something, but I know that of all people he will say something profound. John is the type of guy that always knows exactly what to say to get you through anything. Chris looks over my shoulder. “We better get back, Lisa’s looking this way.” I know he’s talking to me more than John. He and the other guys are willing to back my lie and let Lisa think Bobby died in front of them.
“Is everything okay?” She asks as we rejoin the group.
“Just going over the details,” John says. Normally, Lisa would have picked up on the tension, but today tension is all around us so we’re safe. I know none of the guys in blue will tell Lisa that Bobby might be alive, but they’re going to keep looking for him, I just wonder how long before they give up.
John herds us to go in. I know he wants to get Lisa seated so she can compose herself before the ceremony starts. I take Lisa’s arm for support, she looks up at me and I can see the anguish in her eyes. I want to take that anguish away, but how can I when I am one of the reasons for it. I want to take her in my arms and shelter her from all that’s to come today, but I know that would be inappropriate right now. She turns back and stops as we enter the room. Hanging above the podium is a giant picture of Bobby. It’s a reproduction of the picture Lisa has on her nightstand. He’s smiling, but it’s his eyes that tell the story of who’s behind the camera. The love shines so brightly, there is no doubt he’s looking at Lisa.
Jodi puts her arm around Lisa. “Come on honey, let’s get you up front.” We start to move again and a few people try to talk to us as we pass, but Lisa is oblivious to everything but that picture. There are other photos scattered along the front and sides and a high-backed chair sits in the middle with a picture of Bobby in his dress blues. He looks so much younger, it must have been taken when he was nineteen or twenty. His stern look seems to give warning about his strength and courage. This was the man most saw, the public persona who was hard as nails and didn’t give a shit about anything except his business. This was Bob Harber, CEO of Harber Security.
Lisa sits in a matching high-backed chair in the front row right in front of the podium. Jodi and I flank her sides. She hasn’t taken her eyes off that photo and her knuckles are turning white from gripping the arms of the chair. I’m about to take her hand when John Lennon’s Imagine starts to play. Lisa whimpers and grabs Jodi’s arm. “Jodes how do I do this?” She cries.
Jodi puts her hand over Lisa’s. “One minute at a time.” All I can do is sit there waiting for her to need me, wishing I could do more.
Lisa
Somewhere between Imagine and Oh My Love I start to find a place in my mind that protects me from feeling. I hear the song but the words won’t register. I look forward and right in front of me is the picture of Bobby and me on the beach when we were in high school. It was in Bobby’s apartment last time I saw it. We look so happy. I want to be those carefree kids again.
I hear someone start speaking, but I don’t pay attention. The voice is not someone familiar to me so I just keep staring straight ahead. I can’t tell you how
long he spoke, but it seemed like at least half an hour. When he finally stops there is just the rustle of people moving around until the sound of an acoustic guitar being strummed and adjusted. The first couple chords lead into Yesterday and I finally look at the player. Kenny is sitting on a stool with his guitar as Joe sings with Greg providing harmony. They don’t look at me, thank god, they look straight ahead and do really well until the last chorus when Joe’s voice begins to crack. Greg puts his hand on Joe’s shoulder and they get through it. They stand up and start walking away but I can’t let them go. I rush up and hug them and say, “Thank you.” Joe walks me back over to my chair and kisses my cheek before going back to his own seat.
Patty is standing at the podium and she talks about growing up a few houses down from Bobby, how they all played together and how he was always the one getting them into trouble. Of course, Bobby would always blame Patty’s voice for never being quiet enough and those of us who know her laugh. She finishes up with how after such a long absence from his friends Bobby had finally started to get back in touch and she had been looking forward to more good times. “I will miss both the boy and the man,” she finishes. As she leaves, REM’s Everyone Hurts starts to play. Patty walks directly to me and hauls me up for a hug. “You stay strong, Lisa. That’s what he would want,” she whispers. Yes, an actual whisper from Patty, who knew?
My mom moves her way up next, oh God, I didn’t know she was speaking. As the song ends she starts. “I met Bobby when he started dating Lisa. He was this eighteen year old man sitting next to my sixteen year old daughter and they couldn’t go a minute without touching each other and it scared the shit out of me. Bobby was always polite and asked if there was anything he could do around the house since I was in the middle of a divorce, but I thought he was way too serious about Lisa.