by Lila Veen
Killing Kate
By Lila Veen
Text Copyright © 2013 Lila Veen
COVER ART © 2013 MARIKIT CASTEÑEDA
All Rights Reserved
To Charlie. You know why.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Epilogue
Chapter 1
Cages aren’t for everyone. Some people enjoy their freedom, and my cage is only a 4x4x6 enclosed area. Some people don’t like to be put on display, but the metal bars around me are wide enough to get a glimpse of everything the silver bikini I’m wearing doesn’t cover up, which is almost everything. I wear only that without shoes or jewelry. My hair is long and brown and cascades down my back in a sheer curtain. My makeup is dark so you don’t know it’s me. In my cage I am safe and ironically free. Hands touch the sides and sometimes fingers make their way in, but it’s not intended to be invasive. I am merely a prop off to the side of a concrete dance floor. There are six others like me, two suspended from the ceiling and four of us around the floor. I am close to the DJ booth where I feel the bass vibrating the metal in the cage. At the end of the night, the sound will still vibrate in my ears and pulse through my head even though the music is long over.
I’m actually getting paid while I do this, and while $400 a week isn’t anything that will buy me a race horse or summer home anytime soon, it’s really all I aspire to do for now. I’m not hungry or homeless, so I can’t complain. Obviously this isn’t something I can do when I’m sixty years old, but long term plans really aren’t my way of living. That’s how I feel about things for now, despite people who are more responsible than I am warning me of severe consequences, like my brother Devin. I’m twenty four years old, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, and often a bottle of hard alcohol fits into that equation. Clearly I’m not thinking too deeply into my future.
The Appleseed, the club where I dance, has no clocks anywhere since they don’t want you to realize what time it is or how many drinks you’ve managed to purchase in the span of one hour. Since I have no idea what time it is, it’s always best to just lose myself in the music and dance. I can use my cage to veer my movements, as I hang, suspend, climb, cling and feel the bars around me. A pole in the center of the cage helps me gravitate myself off the floor, around the pole, and slide down. My arm muscles have improved drastically in the four months since I’ve started working here. The floor manager, Alicia, says I’m good at what I do, completely uninhibited. That’s because no one is here in this cage but me, and I let it show. Other girls who do this are conscious of what’s going on around them, from the sleazy guy who’s watching you with his dick bulging in his pants as he verifies that you managed to wax your bikini line to Alicia’s husband, Carlos, who works the bar and tries to fuck anyone except his own wife. It can be intimidating when you pay attention to that stuff, but I don’t think about or notice my surroundings. Then before I know it, its 4:00 am and I can get out and go home.
I change in the back dressing room into worn out skinny grey jeans and a black Saigon top with a loose black summer sweater on top with holes in it. When I found the sweater at Goodwill, it had holes in it as the designer intended, but as I’ve made it mine, the holes have gotten larger and more numerous. I slip black flip flops on my feet since I hate wearing constrictive shoes. It was warm outside when I came in to the club but the temperature drops in May in Chicago when the sun goes down. I want to go to the beach this morning. I head for the red line stop at Clark and Division and light a cigarette on the El platform, even though the signs posted everywhere tell me not to. I cup it in my hand and relax as I inhale it. The first smoke in six hours is always a relief.
On the train I stand, leaning on a vertical bar that is intended to be held onto. There are seats available on the El, of course, at 4:16 am, but standing means I am not sitting in a puddle of urine or semen. The red line is disgusting, and every time I ride it, I vow to move someplace closer to the brown line, but East Riverview is what I can afford on a cage dancer’s salary, and its prime real estate that’s close to the beach. Never mind the countless crack houses and gang activity that encapsulates the area. There are a few other people on the train car. One is a woman wearing about fourteen layers of clothing who looks like she rides back and forth professionally, having no other place to go. She has one of those mini shopping carts people who live in the city use for groceries and it’s full of all sorts of junk, from a Bart Simpson doll to a painted portrait of David Bowie, I think. There are four very loud younger men wearing identical striped collared shirts with jeans and loafers and a sickening wave of bad cologne that get off at Fullerton, likely college kids coming home from a night out. For all I know they could have been at Appleseed, but I am unrecognizable and usually don’t pay attention to the crowd. They talk loudly during their short ride and even make a few rude remarks in my direction, but I have headphones in my ears and ignore them, despite the fact that I’m not listening to any actual music. I can’t deal with music after I dance for so long. The silence and discernible voices are a welcome change.
At Morris I get off the El, walk down the stairs and head east toward Sheridan. The beach is just a block away. May isn’t exactly swimming weather in Lake Michigan since the water is still about thirty degree. I’m not here to swim. The sand is cold and grainy on my bare feet as I kick off my shoes onto the sidewalk and leave them there to run along the shore. I don’t care about shoes or whether anyone takes them - my apartment is three blocks south. I run and run and run until I can’t breathe and collapse on the cold sand. It smells like dead fish and morning. I can smell coffee brewing at some café that’s close. I lie still until my breathing is normal again and get up and trot back as far as I came, taking my time at a slow jog instead of a sprint. After a night in a cage it’s good to be able to move. I let the lake wet the bottom of my jeans, knowing I will just peel them off the minute I walk in the door.
As dawn starts to glow I miraculously find my shoes exactly where I left them and head home to my cheap one bedroom apartment on Sheridan road. As soon as the door is closed behind me I kick off my flip flops and strip out of my jeans and sweater so I’m left wearing the black Saigon top and a pair of black bikini panties. My apartment is bare bones in décor and furnishings but the rent is decent for the space. I have a two person loveseat facing a television that’s never on and I’m actually not sure it’s hooked up or plugged in, but it’s something to look at. I have an end table I occasionally use as a dinner table, and a plate, some cups, three forks, a really good chef’s knife, one large ladle, a spatula and a frying pan. I wrap myself in a fleece blanket and sit on my mattress. No fancy bedframe for me. I have a mirror in every room hanging on the wall because I have a thing for mirrors, but there isn’t a single clock anywhere except the one that’s already on my phone. That’s literally everything I own. I guess you could say I’m a minimalist. Oh, I have one other thing that’s propped up against my bedroom wall, which is an oil painting by my brother Devin of seagulls feeding during a Lake Michigan sunrise. Its seven feet tall and six feet across and it’s the only thing in the entire apartment with any sort of color in it, which makes up for my institution white walls. Devin works for the railroad as a conductor, but paints during what little spare time he has and has always been good at painting and drawing. I’m good at nothing except being crazy.
I
’m not tired yet, even though it’s likely that the rest of the early rising normal world is waking up for church or some other such nonsense at this hour. I contemplate breakfast and decide on a bottle of whiskey and roll a joint with a tiny bit of pot I find at the bottom of my dugout. It’s just enough for eight good puffs, I estimate.
I get a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror. I’m not sure why I need a mirror in every room. Perhaps it makes it easier for me to be alone. I look small and shrunken on my bed. Under my eyes are dark circles, partially from the makeup that’s rubbed off and around my eyes, mostly because the ones under my skin never go away. My hair could use a good brushing, but what’s the point if I’m ready to crash? I’m too skinny, probably because I never eat. I’m too pale because I sleep all day like a vampire. Who knows if I’ll live to see thirty at the rate I’m going? And really, who cares? Besides Devin, I have no family and no real friends to speak of, and with my schedule and anti-social personality, it probably won’t change anytime soon.
I finish my joint and half the bottle and eventually pass out. I have been asleep for an hour and I hear my phone. I’m pretty annoyed, since someone is called during normal waking hours and everyone I know who has my number realizes that I wouldn’t be awake at 7:42 am.
“Jenna,” I hear a husky voice say. It is Devin, my brother. I can hear the loud engine noises in the background. He’s going to be deaf in a year, most likely, with all of the noise he has to put up with at his job on the railroad. Even with earplugs it’s too loud, he tells me.
“Hi,” I reply.
He is silent, but I know we’re still connected from the background. We’re both horrible on the telephone, preferring in person conversations or sometimes text messages. “Jack is dead.”
I press my lips together in a hard line. I’m sure I am as pale as the institution white walls of my apartment. “Okay,” is my reply. The emotion in my voice sums up my feelings for the news. Nothing.
“He drank himself to death, of course. Basically cut off all of the oxygen in his bloodstream.” He is silent, waiting for me to react. I don’t. “The funeral is tomorrow at 2:00. It’s at Darnell Funeral Home in Oakdale. It starts at 2:00 pm.” There is yet more silence. Devin almost sounds out of breath. “Will you go?”
“No,” I say. “I can’t believe you even asked me that. Goodbye Devin.” I hit the End Call button on the screen of my iPhone, the one luxury I allow myself in place of furniture, a nice place to live, a car and human contact. He won’t call back. I stay sitting up in bed. I feel like I’m slowly being strangled, and kick away the blanket.
When was the last time I talked to Jack? I wonder this, trying to think of the moment when I last saw my dad. He was always Jack to Devin and me. I reach for my pack of cigarettes, never very far, and take a long drink of warm whiskey. It’s hot in my apartment. I can’t breathe. Maybe I should trade my iPhone in for an air conditioner, I think, but then I remind myself that summer in Chicago isn’t really very long. I stand up and start to pace slowly, and then my steps become faster and faster. I am smoking furiously, if it can even be done that way. I tug on my hair and my Saigon top which all seems to be sticking to me everywhere as the sweat pours off of my skin.
I hear a knock on my front door and know exactly who it will be. I stop what I’m doing and feel a warm relief shroud me.
It’s a few short steps from my bedroom to the door, and I stare out through the peephole and see her. She is distorted, rounded out by the glass hole between her and me. I open my door and she comes in with a rush of cold, welcome air through the hallway.
Kate is composed with a mischievous grin on her face. She is simply dressed in a short white sundress that flutters as she walks in immediately. I notice her feet are bare, and her skin is already tanned from the short amount of time it’s been warm outside. I wonder if she’s been out of town, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her, but here she is when I need her most. “I hear the bastard died,” she tells me. I don’t say anything. I stand in complete awe of her. She is here, and I needed her. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“You’re here,” I practically whisper.
“Yeah, I’m here. Joy of joys. Give me one of those,” she says, indicating my cigarette. “You have booze?” I nod and walk to my bedroom and present her with the mostly finished bottle and my pack. “We’ll need more booze,” she declares, throwing herself down on my sofa. “I swear you bring out the worst in me.”
“I have more,” I tell her. “How long will you stay this time?”
“As long as I can,” she says. “Maybe this time you won’t kick me out with the help of Dr. Collins and Devin?” I nod. It’s such a relief to see her here that I can’t imagine wanting her to leave or letting anyone make her go.
“I won’t let them chase you away, I need you.” I tell her. “It’s been hell.”
“I know.” I wonder if it’s as hard for her to not be with me as it is for me not to see her. I don’t want to know, in case the answer isn’t what I want to hear. We sit and drink and smoke and I take her in. Kate is beautiful where I am ugly. She is proud where I am ashamed. She speaks for me when I don’t have words. Her hair got long like mine, I think, and she’s got freckles across her nose. I want to reach out and touch her, but I wait and don’t want to seem too eager. “We’re going to Jack’s funeral,” she tells me.
“I don’t want to,” I say, eyes widening and shaking my head. I feel myself shrinking back into the sofa where I am sitting next to her, attempting to be absorbed by sticky pleather. It hits me and I realize how exhausted I am. Yet I stay awake because I can’t believe she is here with me and I am afraid that if I close my eyes, she’ll be gone.
“You have to,” she says. “Closure and shit. Dr. Collins would say something stupid like that. Have you seen her lately?”
“No,” I tell her. “Not for a while.” Not since you left, I think.
Kate nods. “You’re better off. You’re an adult - you get to decide your own fate.” She looks over at me. “Go back to bed. I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.” She knows exactly how I feel, I think. “Then let’s get some food. I’m fucking starving.”
Like a zombie I shuffle off to my bedroom, trusting and praying she will be here when I wake up. I look back at her sitting on my couch, in disbelief that she is actually here. She beams me a smile that is uncharacteristically Kate in every way and I wonder if she’s changed. “Go,” she says. “I promise I’ll be here.”
Chapter 2
It’s my day off, and so I sleep for a long time. When I wake up its dark outside and I don’t know what time it is. I can’t remember where I put my phone after I hung up with Devin. Likely in a pile of clothes that surround me. I get up and see Kate is still here with me, and I feel safe. She is resting on the couch but her eyes are open.
“Do you ever sleep?” I ask. She sits up and rolls her eyes. My phone is sitting next to her on the sofa and I pick it up and see that it’s already 7:09 pm. I contemplate eating but I’m not hungry. Instead, I sit down next to Kate. I look to the wall where the mirror in my front room is and note that I look terrible. I slept in my makeup and it has smeared around my eyes making me appear as though I fought with someone who clearly won. My hair is dirty and uncombed and tousled around my shoulders. Next to me, Kate is perfection, with her auburn hair combed and braided and pulled to one side, which is different from how she showed up at my door. She’s also wearing jeans and a red halter top, and her lips are a dark blood red and look wet. Her large brown eyes are perfectly made up, and she appears to be ready to go someplace.
“Get dressed,” she says, reading my mind. “Tonight we are going to go out and eat and get drunk, and then tomorrow we will go to Jake’s funeral and see Devin.”
“I have to work tomorrow night,” I tell her. She shrugs.
“You can do both.”
“Getting drunk outside of my apartment costs money,” I point out.
She scowls.
“You have no air conditioning.” I doubt that actually bothers her.
“Suffer,” I tell her.
“You need to mentally prepare yourself for Jack’s funeral with alcohol and some potential casual sex,” she says. “Devin needs you there.” I nod. I didn’t feel bad when I hung up the phone but I suddenly feel horrible now. I accept that I am a bad daughter and have no tears for a man who didn’t deserve to be a part of my life but Devin has never hurt me.
Kate found her way into my world when I was a kid living with Devin in Jack’s house. She would hold me at night while I cried myself to sleep. She would continue to come to my rescue all the way up until Jack went to jail for possession of narcotics and I had to go live with my mother and my stepfather, Frank. As far as stepfathers went, Frank was actually okay, despite the shit show he married into. When he met my mom, she was “unattached”, so to speak, which is a nice way of saying that she walked out on her husband and two young kids that she didn’t want in the first place. Kate was gone for a few years while things were good and Frank was alive, but when Frank died from a heart attack and it was just my mom, Kate eventually came back to me. Jack was a shitty dad, but our mom wasn’t much better. She would pretend to care but checked out after Frank died. He really was the love of her life and held her together. Some people can’t survive without another person in this world and Frank was that person to my mom, just as Kate seems to be with me. Like everyone else in our family, my mom took to drinking away her life while collecting her welfare check from the state. Devin checked out at that point too, shooting up heroin and not spending much time helping me get through school. He found a girlfriend and spent most of his time between her, his junkie friends and his artwork. Instead of being alone, I had Kate to keep me company. Devin and I are close now. We weren’t always. As kids we were forced to be close, mostly for survival. Devin hit a point where he couldn’t spend all of his time devoted to taking care of me, and as much as that hurt me, I think it hurt him more. Along came Kate to the rescue. Kate and I shared everything, from a room to our clothes to friends and even a boy or two. She took my tests for me in the subjects I didn’t like and she went on dates for me with boys that I wasn’t interested in. Where I was shy and would rather be someplace else, Kate was in the backseat of a car in the mall parking lot at three am, letting some horny kid put their fingers in her panties. She tended to take the douchebags and assholes and I saved one or two nice boys for myself. Every now and then we’d share, though never at the same time. When I moved out of my mom’s house, she came with for a while, and then after I got my act together and got a job, an apartment, some clothes, some furniture, and started getting groceries somewhat regularly for me, she eventually left. I never ask where she’s been. I don’t want to know.