by Lila Veen
“And she’s still in your life?” he asks me.
“Yeah,” I say. “I can’t seem to get rid of her. She comes and goes depending on when I need her and don’t. Sometimes she shows up when I don’t want her to, like after something happens that I don’t like to think about. Hence why you are driving me downtown. She was out last night and I need to find out what she was doing.”
“How do you know she was out last night?” Justin asks me. He stares ahead at the road. His face is smooth and is no indication of what he’s thinking, which I’d really like to know. Does he think I’m crazy? He wouldn’t be wrong if he does, of course, but his opinion matters a little bit. I realize I like him enough to care and wonder if I hadn’t gotten up so quickly where that kiss might have taken us. I’d be home right now, and maybe filled with less dread about what might happen at Drake’s.
Why the sudden turn of events? I was really enjoying myself with Drake the other night, but there’s something about him that makes me know he’s not good for me. He almost felt dangerous. Sex is a problem for me. I enjoy it, a lot, but I can’t just let myself go like I did the other night. I’m like a heroin addict when it comes to sex. If heroin addicts could just do a little bit of heroin and walk away from it for a week, they wouldn’t be heroin addicts. I’m the same way with sex. I need to have it a lot or else I go crazy when I haven’t had it in a while. Drake doing all of the things he did to me was like satisfying a long craving I’d had. What he did to me in the restaurant still makes me flutter below the waist when I think about it.
I look at Justin and think “this guy is good for me”. He’s calm and seems to be understanding of my craziness, so far. He’s trying to help Devin and me and he’s been really good to us. Am I attracted to him? He’s definitely attractive, I think, but can he give me what I need and crave?
“Kate was with someone last night,” I explain. “Someone that I….” I wonder how much he’ll like me if I tell him everything, I think, but I hate lying. I never lie. “I can’t really say I’ve been seeing him, because we were together once.” I don’t have to say what I mean by “together”, Justin clearly gets the idea. He doesn’t say or do anything but I watch his face. His jaw clenches up a couple of times the way Devin’s does when he’s angry and is trying not to say something. I probably just ruined everything. “I’m going there tonight because Kate was there with him last night, and I need to find out what happened.” He is silent for a minute and it’s getting awkward. “I’m not going to fuck him,” I decide to say, and feel myself turn beet red. Shit, I can’t believe I actually said that. But I also think Justin wants to hear it.
“Why do you care?” Justin finally asks. “Why not just stay away?”
I sigh. It’s the fifty thousand dollar question. “Because everything Kate does affects me,” I tell him. “My entire life is lived with her in mind. I’ve woken up to find that I’ve been with guys I’ve never met, in their bed. Do you know how awkward it is to wake up next to someone whose name you don’t know? Wearing clothes you don’t remember you own? I’ve woken up to groceries in my fridge I don’t even eat, like carrots. I hate carrots. Those leftovers your mom sent us home with? She ate everything except one sandwich worth of food. That probably pissed me off more than the wild rampage she was on last night.” Justin doesn’t smile at my attempt at humor. “Okay, maybe not.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” he tells me, sounding angry as he talks with his jaw clenched tight. He sighs and finally glances at me. “In all seriousness, I’m glad you told me all of this, Jenna, I really am.” A huge rush of relief fills me up at those words.
“I understand if it puts you off,” I say. “I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is bat shit insane like I am. There’s too much drama.”
“Jenna,” Justin begins. He pushes a hand through his hair which is falling forward a bit, and I notice how long his fingers are. Artist’s hands. “I will always be your friend.” He reaches over with those long fingers to take my hand and holds it. I can’t resist giving his a squeeze. “I still want to be more.”
My heart is beating hard in my chest and I can’t say anything. I can’t tell if I’m going to cry or burst with joy. Thankfully I stay controlled and intact.
“Go clean up your mess tonight,” he tells me. “You can talk to me when you don’t have any loose ends to tie up about how you feel about me,” he visibly blushes, and it’s cute. “I mean, I’m not assuming you feel anything about me or want to be with me.” He stops talking and shakes his head. “I’ll shut up now.”
I smile slightly and put my hand on the nape of his neck and put my fingers in his hair. Soft, I think. “I’m glad you kissed me and I’m glad you told me that,” I say. “But let me do this tonight.”
“Let me take you to lunch this week,” he says quickly. “Maybe when Devin goes back to work.”
“Oh, so we’re sneaking around?” I ask, smiling.
Justin shrugs. “I’m not the one who drugged my brother to go out on a booty call.”
“I didn’t drug him!” I gasp, pretending to be appalled at his suggestion. I totally drugged him in the nicest way I know how. “And it’s not a booty call.” Well, it was turning out not to be after this strange turn of events with Justin. Before he’d kissed me, it might have been just that. Why do things happen in such a way to change my intentions so quickly? “I just happen to know that a large dinner plus Fiddler on the Roof plus beer equals sleepy Devin.”
“You’re amazing,” Justin says, chortling softly and shaking his head. “Jenna, I want to hear more about Kate when I take you out. I’ll take you to where you need to go tonight, but I hope I’ve made some influence upon what you decide to do with your evening.”
He definitely has.
Chapter 9
“Well I guess you’re not ‘Kate’ tonight,” Drake tells me as I walk through his door. He uses air quotes when he says “Kate” and eyes me from head to toe.
“No, just Jenna,” I tell him. “Is that a disappointment?” I put my purse down on a table by the door that looks like a good place to put it and walk inside to his living room.
Drake follows me in and leans against the wall and I sit down in one of his expensive looking chairs facing the view of Navy Pier. He is dressed in a striped button down collared shirt and jeans, barefoot and disheveled hair. His shirt is untucked. He looks really sexy, and I hope I can hold my ground. “Of course not, I’ll take you as you are. But you have to admit last night was a lot of fun. I’ve never role played before.”
Fun for you, I think. I wasn’t there. “What was your, um, favorite part?”
“My favorite part?” Drake looks amused. “Well I could tell you about it, or I could show you.”
“I’m not sure I’m up for that right now,” I say, shamefully remembering that under my scummy clothes, I’m certainly dressed for it. But the kiss and the ride with Justin that has only happened within the past hour has changed everything. My head is starting to spin.
“Oh, you don’t actually know what I’m specifically proposing,” he says in a playful tone. He walks over to me and takes my hands and pulls me up. “Why don’t you follow me? I have something I’d like to show you.”
“Drake, I’m not going into your bedroom.” Good girl, I think, stand your ground.
“Hush, Jenna, and follow me. We’re not going to the bedroom.” I dumbly follow him down the hall and he is true to his word. Instead of the bedroom, he leads me into what looks like a media room, complete with a control center panel, which he sits down in front of. “Pull up a chair,” he says, indicating a desk chair across the room that is identical to the one he sits on. It’s on rollers and I push it over and sit compliantly. I am curious as to what this is all about.
“Are you a DJ or something?” I ask. He doesn’t answer me. Instead, he pushes a few buttons and the screen in front of him comes to life. Oh dear god, I think. “What the hell is this?”
It’s me on
the screen. Or rather, not me, but Kate. She is on her hands and knees and her hand is between her legs, exploring, and by the look on her face she is enjoying herself. It’s surreal to watch. She has my face, my hair and my body, but on the other hand, everything about her is not me. The expression on her face is confident and aloof. Her back is curved in such a seductive way that makes her look like a professional porn star. She is good at what she does, the ultimate seductress. She is in complete control. I feel myself getting turned on, even though it’s only me. “Come here, Drake,” I hear her say. Her voice is so different from mine, I think. No wonder Drake was so enchanted last night. It’s like I’m the best actress ever.
Drake steps onto the screen. He is completely naked and fully erect, and Kate comes to him and puts him in her mouth and I see her take him all the way in. Drake’s face is a look of ecstasy. His hands move to the back of her head and pull her in. She takes him in her mouth and pulls him out, and then takes him back in again. She doesn’t even gag, that bitch, I think ironically. He comes within a minute and she swallows everything, moves back and smiles. His semen drips down her chin and she wipes it away with the back of her hand, and then licks it off. She looks elated, as though it’s her favorite form of nourishment. I sit forward in my chair and I am strangely aroused and disgusted at the same time. Is this me? “Sit on my lap,” says the real Drake who I remember is sitting next to me. I look down and see my hands are on my thighs, rubbing back and forth subconsciously. I look up again. The on screen Drake is busy now, kneeling behind Kate and…oh my god, I would never do that, I think. But apparently I do, as Kate. I am aware of places on me that are sore that are now explained from watching this. You wanted to know, I think, and now you know.
On the side of the screen I am on, Drake pulls me over to him. I feel how hard he is through his jeans. I am facing him and instinctively push my crotch against his. His lips move against my neck as he uses his hands to push my hair aside. “Drake, stop,” I murmur without any conviction in my voice whatsoever. One of his hands moves to push my shirt up and covers my breast. I’m afraid I’m at the point of no return and won’t be able to stop him…or myself. I think about Justin and feel Drake touching me. It’s making my brain explode.
“Red today,” he says, getting a glimpse of my bra. “I like red.”
“I’m sure you do,” I say. “Drake, I-oh god, Drake, stop, please.” I push him back. “Why did you tape this?”
He sits back, putting his hands behind his head and smiles. He looks proud of himself, and a sick feeling washes over me. “I told you the first night you came home with me. I like to watch.” I turn to the screen and see Drake pumping away slowly behind Kate, who appears to be thoroughly enjoying herself. “Having this,” he indicates the control panel and screens with a sweep of his arm, “allows me to watch as often as I want to.”
“I can see that,” I say. “You shouldn’t have done that.” He pulls my shirt up over my head and tosses it aside and I feel his lips move against my shoulders. His hands push the cups of my bra over my breasts and he moves his mouth to the flesh above my nipples and bites savagely. I cry out and put my hands in his hair and try and pull his head back. “Stop it,” I tell him. “Drake, get off me!”
Instead of listening to me he pushes me back against the control panel and pulls my shorts down roughly until they are past my knees. He is so close to me I can feel his hand fumbling with his belt. He plunges himself into me and I scream. He quickly positions one hand over my mouth and the other is squeezing my ass so tight through those damned red crotchless panties that it brings tears to my eyes. I can feel little switches and knobs digging into my back against the panel. I try and bite his hand but he’s holding it too tightly over my mouth and I feel like I can’t breathe since his hand is covering my nostrils. He comes quickly, to my relief, and his grip on my mouth falls slack. I am able to push him away from me and grab my shorts and pull them up quickly. I am running away from that awful room down the hall and out his front door as I am pushing my top down in place. Luckily, no one sees me, and it’s quiet in the hallway. I don’t even bother to wait for the elevator, I bolt for the stairs. Eighteen flights down, and I’m winded, but the adrenaline rush propels me. But then I see him there, waiting for me.
“Leaving so soon?” Drake says. We are in the lobby, and clearly I can’t run as fast as he can casually slide into an elevator and let it take him downstairs. He is holding my purse and grinning like a sick fuck. I snatch it out of his hand as he holds it out to me and glare at him. I look around the lobby, wishing someone were there. Where the fuck is the doorman? He blocks me from getting anywhere to freedom by putting himself between me and the front door and grabs my wrist.
“Let. Me. Go.”
Drake casts me a beautiful smile which chills me to the bone. “I’ll let you go,” he says. “But now that I have you on camera, you’re mine. I just want to make that clear.” He doesn’t offer anything else but eases his grip on my wrist. “Do you need me to call you a cab?”
“Fuck you,” I say and push him aside and walk quickly out the door. I walk a few blocks as I sob hysterically and try and calm down. Finally I am breathing normally and wander over to the Chicago River and find a bench to sit. I pull my phone out of my purse and see I have multiple text messages from Devin.
“Where R U?” it says. Then another one. “Call me now.” And another. “Not funny Jenna.”
I sigh and dial Justin instead. Devin can be dealt with later. “Hey,” he says when he answers. He sounds wide awake but I realize it’s almost 2:00 am.
“Did I wake you?” I ask him.
“No, you didn’t,” he says. “What’s wrong? Do you need a ride?”
“Yes,” I blurt out and burst into tears. “Come soon.” I tell him where I am and hang up. He doesn’t ask why I need a ride or why I’m crying and I appreciate that. I fumble in my purse for my cigarettes and see I have three left. No stores in Drake’s fancy neighborhood are open. I light one and text Devin back. “I’m fine,” I reply, not offering any additional information.
He immediately texts back. “Get home now.”
“On my way,” I reply back.
It takes Justin less than thirty minutes which indicates that he’s been driving like a bat out of hell to get to me. I get in his car and put my head against the window. “I’m sorry,” I say. “You should be home and sleeping right now.”
Justin shakes his head and is silent for a minute. He always seems to be considering what to say with me. “So can I ask what happened?”
I shake my head. “I can’t.” I look at him but he stares straight ahead at the road. “Are you angry?”
He shrugs. “I want to give you the benefit of the doubt but right now I’m thinking a lot of things that aren’t good.”
“Tell me,” I say, turning in my seat to look at him. He’s doing the jaw clenching thing again.
“You won’t want to hear it,” he replies.
“I do want to hear it.”
“I’m thinking that the reason you can’t tell me anything right now is because you actually slept with this guy and feel guilty about it.” He looks at me. “Am I close?”
“No!”
“So you didn’t sleep with him?”
“Can we please not talk about this right now?” I am yelling. It’s not flattering. I take a deep breath. “Justin, everything we talked about tonight meant a lot to me,” I tell him. “I don’t lie. Ask Devin. It’s not in me to lie, though I’m not ready to tell you. I really do like you, but something just happened to me that I don’t want to relive through a conversation with you just yet. I’d like to forget this whole evening didn’t happen after I left you. But at the same time, I’m glad it did.” At least I know now that Drake is everything I thought he was; dangerous and not good for me. There goes my inner conflict, though what I had to go through to resolve it wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped it would be.
“You’re glad what happened?” Justin dema
nds to know. “Jenna, this isn’t going to sound any better the more you say.”
“I’m going to keep my mouth shut,” I say. “Everything I say isn’t sounding right or even remotely able to convey how I feel.” I start to cry. “Justin, I need to get home to Devin. I need to be with my brother. I can’t make you understand what happened.” I can’t tell you yet, I want to say. I want to talk about it, but Devin needs to hear about it. I can’t understand what’s going through my head right now. Where was Kate, I wonder? I couldn’t feel her anywhere. I just feel numb.
The rest of the ride is silent. Justin pulls up in front of the house, but makes no indication that he is coming inside. “Can I call you tomorrow?” I ask him.
“You can,” he replies. He is cold to me and I feel like bursting into tears all over again. He watches me walk to the door and let myself in and drives away. When I walk inside Devin is waiting for me in his chair. He looks exhausted and mad.
“Jenna, what the hell?” he shouts. He stands up and storms over but stops. “Holy shit, Jenna, what happened? Why were you crying?”
And then I burst into tears all over again.
*
“What I can’t understand is why didn’t Kate come to your rescue?” Devin asks. I have told him everything. Well, everything except for one small detail, which is who I was with. If Devin knew about Drake he would go and kill him. I decide it’s more important to keep Devin out of jail than to take revenge on Drake, although he deserves to die, as far as I’m concerned. The easiest solution is to just avoid him entirely.