His gaze traveled to her throat, and she realized she had a death grip on her necklace.
“You always wear that.” It was a statement, but his eyes held the unspoken question.
She nodded, then laughed as she realized the irony. “Clarissa gave it to me—the first Christmas Zach and I were married.”
“It’s a fish. Is that supposed to be like an ichthys?”
“Ick-what?”
He laughed. “The Christian fish symbol—” He drew a fish shape in the air. “You know? It was like a secret code so the persecuted Christians would recognize each other?”
She shook her head. She’d never heard such a thing. She held her fish out and examined it, wondering if she’d been wearing a Christian symbol all these years without knowing it.
Lucas looked closer. “Oh … yours is more like a goldfish.”
She nodded. “That’s what it is. It’s a Chinese symbol for prosper—” She stopped short. More irony. “It symbolizes prosperity and wealth.” She laughed. “I wouldn’t run out and buy one if I were you. I don’t think it works.”
He gave a wry grin. “I’ll make a note. And hey, just to set the record straight, the ichthys isn’t a charm. It’s just a symbol.”
“I wish I could believe like you do.”
“What do you believe?”
She shrugged. “I used to think I believed in God. Now”—she shrugged—“I don’t know.”
“Because of Zach?”
She shook her head. “No. Zach … he was a good man. Our problems were mostly my fault.” Or Clarissa’s.
“Then why?”
“I didn’t grow up like you did, Luc.” She panned the cozy scene in front of her, and a wave of longing roiled inside her. “I didn’t have a loving dad to teach me about those things. I didn’t have a dad, period. And my mom—I don’t think she believed in anything. She was trying too hard just to survive.”
“I bet that was tough. For you, I mean.”
She shrugged. “I didn’t know there was anything else—” She caught herself and put her head down. “No—you’re right. It was very hard. When Zach asked me out on our first date, and I saw how the rest of the world lived—or at least it seemed that way—it did something to me. I would have done anything to hang on to him at that point.” She bowed her head, feeling the shame all over again. “Actually, I did do ‘anything’ … and I ended up pregnant.”
His eyes went wide. “You—had a baby?”
She shook her head. As long as she was being real … “I miscarried a few weeks after our wedding. It took Clarissa years to forgive me.”
“Forgive you? For what?”
“If you know Clarissa, then you know I wasn’t exactly her first choice for her darling son. I think she thought I trapped him into marrying me. And … maybe I did.” Her own words shocked her—because she recognized them as truth.
“Well, you were Zach’s first choice. I know that for a fact. But he never said anything about you having to get married.”
She nailed him with a look. “I really hate that expression, you know? We didn’t have to get married.”
He held up a palm. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” He repositioned himself on the sofa, stuffing one of the cushions under his leg and scooting closer to her in the process.
“I know. I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to snap at you.” She wished she could take back the whole conversation. Seeking to lighten the moment, she affected an exaggerated cringe. “Actually, remembering how Clarissa reacted back then, we probably did have to get married. She would have killed us if we’d disgraced her.”
He winced. “That bad, huh?”
He leaned closer. Close enough she could smell the citrus tang of his aftershave.
“It was not a pretty scene.”
“I’m sorry. But to hear Zach tell it, you hung the sun and the moon and most of the Milky Way, for that matter.”
Why did he have to bring Zach up again? And the baby. Babies … But that wasn’t a place she was willing to go. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
Some secrets were meant to stay locked up. But a niggling fear wouldn’t let her forget. Lucas would make a great husband … a great father. She could see that just watching him with his family tonight.
What if …? She stared at the lights twinkling on the Christmas tree and let herself inhale its piney scent. She pushed away the thoughts. She didn’t want to ruin what was turning into the kind of Christmas Eve she’d always dreamed about.
He’d been that close to doing something he would have regretted.
27
Lucas heard Ma’s footsteps on the stairway and sent up a quiet prayer of thanks. He took his arm off the back of the sofa and leaned away from Jenna.
He’d been that close to doing something he would have regretted. But oh, those pouty lips of hers begged to be kissed. He ran a hand over his face, trying to wipe the idea out of his mind. But how could he when she was sitting right here beside him looking like an angel in the soft light from the Christmas tree and Ma’s candles?
If he hadn’t had this bulky cast to deal with, he would have removed himself from the sofa—or maybe the room—by now. She was too close.
Geoff and Ma appeared at the top of the stairs. “We’re making some hot cocoa,” she said. “You guys want some?”
“Sounds good. How about you?” He looked at Jenna and thought her expression said she wanted an excuse to stay, but he didn’t want to take that for granted.
She smiled. “That would be nice. Thank you.” After the couple disappeared into the kitchen, she repositioned herself on the sofa.
He didn’t think it was his imagination that she’d done it purposely, to move closer to him. Lay off, Vermontez. You’re asking for trouble.
He lifted his casted leg off the coffee table and hollered into the kitchen. “You need help, Ma?”
“We got it,” Geoff called back. “You two stay put.” Great. They were no help at all.
“Geoff seems really nice,” Jenna whispered.
He nodded. “He’s a good guy.”
“He’s a good guy, but …?”
“What?”
“You said that with a shrug … like maybe you had some reservations.”
“I didn’t realize I shrugged. I thought I nodded.”
“You nodded”—she narrowed her eyes—“but you also shrugged.”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize—”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did have reservations. But it’s obvious your mom is really happy. And he does seem like a really nice man.”
“Point taken.”
“Not that it’s any of my business. I just thought in case you hadn’t noticed, I’d point out that he’s really nice.”
“Right.” He raised his voice pointedly as Geoff appeared behind Jenna with a tray in hand. “And speaking of hot chocolate … Thanks, Geoff.”
Lucas curbed a grin as Jenna’s cheeks flushed three shades of pink.
Geoff helped her clear a space on the coffee table in front of them. “You guys want whipped cream?”
“No, thanks,” Jenna said, finally risking a glance at Geoff. “This looks great. Thank you.”
“Yeah, thanks, Geoff. That was really nice of you.”
Geoff gave him a look that said he knew something was up, but then Ma appeared with a can of Reddi-wip. “Anybody want whipped cream?”
“Geoff already asked,” Lucas said. “But thanks, we’re good.”
“Okay. You two enjoy.” Ma beamed.
When she and Geoff disappeared back down the stairs with their own tray of hot chocolates, Jenna turned to him, cringing. “Did he hear me?”
Lucas burst out laughing. “No, but I wish you could have seen your face.”
She hid her face in her hands, then looked up, feigning anger. “Thanks for the warning … and thanks a lot for your ‘nice’ comment.”
“Sorry. Couldn’t resist. He was just being so nice.”
“Haha.
Very funny. Well, he is nice. That’s all I’m saying.”
He laughed harder and she joined in.
They sipped hot cocoa in comfortable silence, letting the Christmas lights mesmerize them.
Lucas drained his mug and set it on the coffee table. “So, are you going home for Christmas tomorrow?”
“Home? No. There’s … not exactly a home to go to.”
“Your family’s not in St. Louis anymore?”
“My mom died last March.”
He tried to hide his surprise. “I’m sorry, Jen. I didn’t know.”
“How could you? I know I probably seem calloused about it, but we were never close. And where I grew up wasn’t exactly … the kind of place you go home to for Christmas.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, still stunned at her matter-of-fact revelation.
She squirmed a little and set her empty mug beside his. “I didn’t grow up the way you did, Luc,” she said again. “What you have is special.”
She looked so wounded behind those soft hazel eyes. He remembered their earlier conversation and felt bad that they kept coming around to this. It was Christmas Eve after all. “We do have something special,” he acknowledged. “I’m glad you could be here tonight. To share it with us.”
“Me too.” She looked as if she might cry.
“And just for the record …” He swallowed hard, praying for words that would heal and soothe—and feeling wholly inadequate to find them. “What Christmas is all about—it’s … God making things right between us and Him.” It felt odd, sharing his faith this way when he’d had so many doubts this past year … times when he wondered if he could keep on believing. But saying the words to Jenna now, he was convinced all over again.
She put her head down as if his words made her uncomfortable, but when she looked up again, there was a faraway glimmer in her eyes. “I remember going to this church one summer.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “It was a Vacation Bible School or something—and they invited all the kids in the neighborhood. Mom made Becky and me go, and they talked about that—about Christmas. I thought it was so weird … talking about Christmas in July. But there was something I always liked about that.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb,” he risked, “and say maybe God planted a seed in your heart way back then.”
She looked skeptical. “A seed that’s supposed to grow into what?”
He grasped for an answer that wouldn’t scare her off. “Into knowing Him. I think God knew we’d have this conversation one day. And I think He wanted you to know that you can know Him … just like you know me.”
She gave a humorless laugh. “Wow. You and God are pretty tight, huh?”
“Oh, yeah”—he held up a hand and crossed his fingers—“we’re like this.” He wiped the smile from his face. “I’m only partly kidding, Jenna. I do feel that close to God. I’m dead serious about that part.”
She nodded, leaning forward, so much hope in her eyes. “But how do you know, Luc?”
“You just know”—he placed a hand over his heart—“in here.” Oh, God, give me the words. I want her to know You. A few minutes ago his reasons might have been less than altruistic. But now—even if nothing else ever came of their friendship—he only wanted for Jenna to know the love of a heavenly Father.
For the next hour he tried to make a case for the God who’d carried him through the past year. She asked earnest questions that made him examine the evolution of his own faith.
A few minutes after the schoolhouse clock in the kitchen struck midnight, Jenna yawned and rubbed her temples. “My brain is on overload.”
He laughed. “Mine too.”
She unfolded herself from the sofa. “It’s late. I should go. I’ve got a lot to think about.”
He reached for his crutches and struggled to his feet. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
“You don’t need to, Luc. I’m fine.”
“No, I want to.” Leading the way with long strides of his crutches, he stood in the entryway in front of the door. He leaned one crutch against the door and put a hand on her arm. “Would you come for dinner tomorrow? Lunch, I mean. We’ll probably eat around one. My grandparents will be here. I’d love for you to meet them.”
“It’s Christmas Day.”
“Um … that’s sort of the point.”
“Lucas, it’s your family’s—”
“Jenna, in case you didn’t notice, my family adores you. They’ll love having you. I’d love for you to come.”
She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. “You just want a re-match on that Finger and Toe game.”
“Hand and Foot,” he said, cracking up, thoroughly charmed.
She grinned. “Whatever. And you’re sure?”
In reply he leaned in and brushed a strand of hair from her cheek. Before he could think about what he was doing, he kissed her forehead. Overcome with emotions he couldn’t quite identify, he threaded his fingers through her pale, thick curls and cradled her head in the palm of his hand. He had never wanted to kiss a woman so much in his life. And by the way she leaned into his caress, he thought she was feeling the same.
“Are you convinced yet?” he whispered.
“Lucas …” Her eyes held a look of desperation that only made him want her more. “I don’t—”
“Shhh.” He put a finger to her lips. They were like velvet beneath his touch and he traced their lines. Something snapped inside him and he drew her close, kissing her full on the lips.
She made a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a sigh. “I have to go,” she said, eyes wild.
He hadn’t intended to do that, but he couldn’t apologize because he wasn’t sorry. “Jenna, wait. I—”
“No. I … I asked for it.”
“You did? Well, in that case—” He kissed her again, a teasing peck on the cheek this time, but it was only his dependence on the crutch that kept him from taking her into his arms and giving her what she claimed to be asking for. He intended to quiz her on that further, but right now if he didn’t walk her out that door, he would regret it.
He opened the door and put a hand lightly at the small of her back. “Come back tomorrow. We’ll both sleep on … what just happened. We’ll talk about it then.”
She nodded, looking dazed.
“Merry Christmas,” he said.
“Merry Christmas, Luc.”
He stood in the doorway watching her pick her way down the sidewalk and get into her car. After she drove away, he went back inside, praying his sisters had already gone to bed. Because he couldn’t seem to wipe the silly grin off his face.
From the look in his eyes, he was not happy with the interruption.
28
Thursday, December 25
Juggling a fruit basket under one arm, Jenna wiped damp palms on the back of her pants before ringing the doorbell. Hearing footsteps inside, she stole a quick look at her reflection in the side panel window, hoping she didn’t look as nervous as she felt.
“Jenna! Come in. Merry Christmas!” Emily Vermontez flung the door wide.
“Here … I brought this for you.” She thrust her offering into Emily’s arms, feeling a prick of guilt since this was actually the gift basket she’d intended for Bryn. But she thought her friend would understand.
“Oh! How nice. You didn’t have to do that.” She turned and called down the stairwell. “Lucas? Jenna’s here.”
Feeling a little more confident at the warm greeting she’d received—and the reassurance that Lucas was expecting her—she took a deep breath and stepped inside. The savory aromas of turkey and gravy and something cinnamony filled her nostrils and made her remember her manners. “Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for inviting me.”
“We’re delighted you could come.”
Jenna took in the house in the daylight, warmed again by memories of last night.
“You look lovely,” Emily said.
“Oh … thank you. I love your sweater,” she sa
id, pointing at the soft lavender cardigan Emily wore over black dress pants. She’d worried about what to wear today, but her crisp white cotton shirt and casual black pants felt just right.
“Thank you,” Emily said, fingering one of the rhinestone buttons and looking pleased at the compliment. “I’ve had this for years … a Walmart special. I think I paid eight dollars for it. I wish I’d gotten one in every color.”
Jenna was a little shocked—both at Emily’s admission and by the fact that such a pretty sweater had come from a discount store. Clarissa would have died before she’d shop for clothing at Walmart. When she bragged on a bargain, it was a designer name she’d picked up for under a hundred dollars in St. Louis. Jenna was embarrassed to realize that she’d been guilty of the same thing under the guise of impressing her friends with her thriftiness, but in truth, designed to reveal how much she usually spent on her clothes.
Jenna had always thought Lucas’s mother was a beautiful woman, but for the first time she became aware that Emily’s beauty didn’t come from designer clothes or expensive cosmetics—or even a great haircut. Her beauty was natural and understated, and due in large part to her warm, friendly manner. Luc had inherited that from her—along with his dark good looks.
Luc. She’d started to think of him by that nickname. Maybe it was from being around his family, who all called him Luc—unless they were lecturing him, and then he became “Lucas Alexander.” Jenna had noticed that during the card game last night.
She’d awakened in Bryn’s apartment this morning not sure if she had the courage to come back and face Lucas after their stolen kisses last night. But she’d loved being part of this happy, generous family too much to stay away.
Lucas’s voice floated up from the bottom of the basement stairway. “Hey, you came! Merry Christmas.”
She peered over the railing at him.
“Come on down … we’re watching the game.” He leaned on his crutches, seeming as unsure as she felt. Or maybe he was just uncomfortable with his mom watching them.
She turned to Emily. “Do you need help in the kitchen?”
“No, no … you go on down.” She glanced at the clock. “We’re still waiting on Luc’s grandparents. I may enlist you and the girls when it’s time to dish things up, but dinner won’t be ready for a few minutes yet.”
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