by S. L. Scott
She didn’t betray me by sleeping with him. I should have known better the minute I heard the news. “I should have come back for you. I should have called. I should hav—”
“You wouldn’t be here if you had, so despite all I’ve been through, you’re safe.”
“I could have handled him.”
“He doesn’t play with toy guns, Derrick. He’s shot people. He just hasn’t been caught. Fortunately, they lived, but he’s made everyone well aware that he’s got a bullet with your name on it.” When she continues, she says, “I know you’re blaming yourself, but don’t. We all played a part, made decisions—good or bad—that got us here today.”
Four steps divide us, but not for long. I walk right over and sit next to her, pull her against me, and hold her. “We can change the future, Jaymes. Leave your job. Let me help you.”
“No. You’re not giving me your money or buying me a house. I’m still considering the plane tickets.” She looks up and a small smile is there.
“Get away from this place for just one weekend.”
“What about us?”
“Give me one weekend. That’s all I ask.”
“You make it very tempting.”
“Just say yes. Come away with me. You and Ace.”
Leaning back, she looks tired. Her eyes are on mine but she’s drained emotionally, the weight of this conversation dragging her under. She lifts her legs and sets them across my lap. Gravitating to her, I rub up and down her soft skin a few times before lifting her right up and settling next to her with her back to my chest. Her hands are cold when she covers mine, but her words are warm. “We’ll come see you.”
I kiss the back of her head. “I’m happy about that, but I need you to know that I’m sorry for leaving like I did. I’m more sorry for what happened. If I would have stayed—”
Spinning around in my arms, her finger covers my mouth. “He would have killed you. And how would I have gone on after that?”
She’s letting me off the hook, but I know what I did was wrong, even if what I did to him was right. My eyes home in on hers. “Just like you did. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“Your mother is a strong woman.”
“So is yours, but you, you’re special. Ace is so lucky to have you.”
A gentle smile sweeps across her lips. “I’m lucky to have him. He’s the best result one could ever get from what I went through.” The tips of her fingers run along my jaw. “Promise me you’ll never see him again.”
I don’t have to ask whom. I know who she’s talking about and I can’t make that promise. “It’s not a promise I can keep. Not now.”
Sitting up, she angles toward me. “Derrick, don’t go starting trouble on my behalf. I’ve got enough as it is. Things are mostly peaceful. We rarely see him.”
“Tumultuous. That’s how you described your relationship with him. Has he ever touched you again?” The memories scroll through her thoughts. I see the hesitation in her eyes. “You don’t have to answer. Your silence says enough.”
“I don’t want you involved.”
“Too late.”
“Because I told you?”
“No, because you didn’t. You’ve been fighting that fucker for five years. You don’t have to fight him alone. How does he even have any visitation much less custody rights? He’s a fucking gang leader. A known criminal.”
“I’m tired. I stayed up until three a.m. last night working on a paper due tomorrow. Please. Can we please not do this tonight?”
She’s tough. Damn tougher than I am. I’m all about the physical, but she’s got inner strength. I relent and let it go for tonight. For her. As for Reggie Rogers, he’s about to have his world flipped upside down. Again.
* * *
Leaving Jaymes last night was pure bullshit. I don’t think I slept at all after she sent me home. It’s now catching up with me on the plane. I’m out before we even take off.
I’m awoken by Tommy calling us sorry fucks for partying so hard the night before a tour. Kaz laughs. “I think you might be responsible for that.”
Tommy joins in, laughing. “I can’t help that the girls love me.”
I’ve missed a part of this conversation, but don’t care to catch up. Looking at the time, it’s late enough for me to text Jaymes. Hey, we left, but if you have a chance, maybe you can call me sometime.
Okay, I’m officially a pussy because when she texts me back right away, I’m rereading every word over and over and smiling from ear to ear. I’ll call you on my break.
She’ll call me on her break. Yes!
I fist-pump, but when I look up, Kaz is shaking his head and laughing to himself. “I’m not going to say a word.”
“Good.”
“Except I told you so.”
“Go ahead.”
“I already did. My work here is done.”
Leaning forward, I say, “Hey.”
He looks up from his phone. “What?”
“If I tell you some shit, will you keep it between us?”
Kaz looks half-offended that I even preface my question like that. The other half has to be curious. His hand comes out and we shake. “You know you can tell me anything. We’re friends. You’re my best friend. You’ve always had my back. I’ll always have yours.”
“Thanks.” Scanning the plane, I spot Tommy with his eyes closed and his earbuds in. Dex is asleep on the couch. Johnny is in the bedroom. When I feel it’s sufficiently safe to open up, I say, “I used to be in a gang.”
Staring at me, he asks, “Like a band gang?”
Annoyed, I lean back in my chair. “What the fuck is a band gang?”
He shrugs and chuckles. “I have no idea. What do you mean?”
“Drugs and guns and shit like that.”
“You sold drugs?”
“No, but the others did.” My defenses go up. They shouldn’t, but I feel judged. “Look, we can’t all be fucking princes.”
“Don’t be an asshole. I was trying to understand. You’ve never mentioned this before.” I look out the window. We’re stuck in the clouds, lost in the gray. “Why are you telling me this?” he asks. “And why now?”
“I saw Jaymes last night and found out some stuff that drudged up old feelings.”
“Gang feelings?”
“Fuck you,” I say, laughing. “Yes, my delicate gang feelings.”
He drinks his Gatorade as soon as it’s served. When the flight attendant returns to the front of the plane, he says, “Whatever nest has been disturbed, you better hope the snakes stay put. Don’t get the band mixed up in some old mess.”
“That’s what I’m trying to keep in mind.”
“Don’t keep it in mind, man. Stay focused. The band is all that matters.”
“Bullshit. Lara matters to you. Jaymes matters to me. The band matters.”
He nods, and I continue, “But what would you do if Lara was being threatened?”
“You know what Lara and I have been through, so I’ve been there. How is Jaymes being threatened?”
“I can’t say.”
“What can you say?”
“Not much. I just need to get her out of the situation she’s in.”
“And what does she say?”
“She doesn’t want my charity.”
“One thing I learned with Lara was the more patience I showed, the more she opened up. Trust is huge. You need it or you’re sunk before you even have a chance.” He starts putting his headphones on, but stops and says, “Really, I just fought for her and she was worth it.”
So is Jaymes. I didn’t fight for her before, but now I’ll do whatever I have to do for her and Ace. Despite what happened to her, that kid is like his mother—a fighter, and a hugger. He hugged me twice the first day I met him. We were instant buds. I’m glad they have each other. I still don’t know how she does everything she does with such grace, not asking for a thing. She’s got her life together way more than me. I’ve just been luckier in a few w
ays.
When we’re landing, Kaz looks around like we’re part of some secret agent shit, then says, “So the tattoo . . . Rebel—”
“It was an initiation, hazing kind of thing.”
“And here I thought you were just that badass.”
“It was the tattoo or lose the second finger on my left hand.” I unsnap my seatbelt and stand. “There was no fucking way I was going to lose that finger.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to play guitar.”
“Oh I’d figure out a way to play. It’s my ring finger though. Once I’m married, that shit is getting shown off.”
His eyes go wide. “The burn out is getting to you, man. You realize you’re talking about long-term commitment, right? You definitely need a few days off.”
Laughing, I reply, “Just had the best break of my life. I’m good.” Better than I’ve been in ages. As soon as I’m in the SUV heading to the hotel in Sacramento, I get the text I’ve been waiting for.
I can’t wait to see you again.
If I thought I was lucky before, finding fame and fortune, I know I’m the damn luckiest guy in the world now.
21
Derrick
The lights are out.
Dex is center stage.
His solo starts and the spotlight hits him.
Johnny looks back at Kaz and me while we wait on the stairs that lead to the stage. It feels like we’ve done this a million times, but the excitement and nerves never go away. It always feels like the first time. “Break a leg.”
“Break a leg,” we repeat.
The arena goes dark and we head up, following the small lights hidden behind the equipment that lead to our places. I swing the strap over my head and tap the pedal twice. My fingers find their position on the fretboard of my guitar and we wait again. Live shows are about more than the music. It’s about the performance, the entertainment, the showmanship.
A single spotlight hits Johnny, who is standing at the front of the stage behind his microphone. He sings without music or instruments to back him up. The crowd falls silent, every last fan taking in the song and his haunting voice. Even the band stands there in awe. He pulls emotion from deep within in every note. Watching a legend live is awe-inspiring. Watching him perform at this level of talent night after night is a privilege.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
I kick into the chorus, singing back up as I play my guitar. Glancing over, Kaz is leaning back, his bass guitar settled over his hips as he joins in. The audience goes wild and the show begins.
Three songs in, I’m already starting to sweat. I change guitars and plug in before tapping the pedal. Tommy stands just off stage with his arms crossed, his eyes analyzing each of us. Kaz moves to my side and we kick into the riff Dex has been bitching about, and nail it.
Exhilarating.
The thrill of it hits me and I look out at the audience. It’s dark, but if I squint, I can see fans forever. How is this my life? Kaz and I sing before popping back and challenging each other. It’s a long-standing argument—bass or rhythm guitar. He knows I win when I’m on lead.
Best damn job in the world.
After the twelfth song, Johnny tells the audience we’re having technical difficulty with three speakers down front and we’ll be back for the encore when they’re fixed. We leave the stage and head for the dressing room. Tommy calls out, “Twenty-minutes.”
The guys filter around the large room—Johnny sits on the counter, the Hollywood lights surrounding him as he calls his woman. Dex is smiling as he FaceTimes with Rochelle. Tommy is dragging Kaz to the table full of posters and paraphernalia. Kaz sits with a sharpie in hand and starts autographing everything from hats to posters.
I probably shouldn’t bother her, but I do it anyway. Jaymes answers after one ring, and whispers, “Hey, I’m in class right now. Can I call you later?”
“Yeah, call me when you can.”
I’m about to hang up, but she adds, “How’s the show?”
“Issues with speakers, but we’ll be going back out soon for the encore.”
There’s a pause before she says, “I haven’t expressed this enough, but I want you to know that I’m so proud of you.”
The emotion heard in her words catches me off-guard, the softness of her tone. I think she’s caught a little off-guard too. “Thanks. Hey Jaymes?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you, too.”
“Thanks, Dare. I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you later.”
Smiling from hearing the nickname she used to call me sometimes, I feel like there’s a chance for this to happen—me and her—again. “Bye.”
Last night we broke through some tall-as-the-sky barriers I don’t think she believed we could. With the truth out there, she trusts me. Like Kaz said, that’s the basis. Now we can move forward together. I’m high as that sky now and I haven’t even had a sip of alcohol.
We kill the encore, the energy rising and the crowd whipped into a frenzy. Then the darkness comes. The arena goes black and we run down the stairs. I grab my phone as soon as we enter the dressing room. One missed call.
With the guys hollering about the awesome show, I call Jaymes back and plug one ear. When I can’t even hear the ringing, I walk into the bathroom and lock the door. Sitting on the back of the toilet with my Doc Martens propped on the seat, I smile when she answers, “Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Hi. Is the concert over?”
“No. I just thought I’d call you from stage.”
“No you aren’t,” she replies in a panic.
Laughing, I shake my head. “No, I’m not. We just finished. We’ll be leaving shortly. I need to sign some stuff and then we’ll go back to the hotel.”
“Not out?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think so. We were up late last night. I’m gonna crash.”
“Sorry about everything last night. I know you didn’t need all that dumped on your lap like that.”
“Don’t. Don’t apologize. I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me. You know, I’ve been thinking about it. I know we said we’ll take it slow, but does that feel as wrong to you as it does to me?”
“Last night was a lot.” Her voice lowers. “My mom is the only other one who knows because she’s the one who found me . . . after.” My smile is gone thinking about what happened to her as she takes a moment to gather herself before adding, “I don’t want to talk about this on the phone. I’m sorry. Maybe when we see each other.”
“It’s okay. You set the pace and I’ll follow your lead.”
Happiness bubbles up when she says, “I was looking at your tour dates.”
“Oh yeah?”
Banging on the door makes me jump. Tommy yells, “I need the toilet, Derrick. Get out.”
Jaymes laughs. “You’re talking to me in the bathroom?”
“I’m not using it. I just wanted privacy.”
“Well, I love that, but I think your friend might not appreciate it as much. You can call me later if you want.”
This. This is what I’ve missed. A connection to someone who knows me well enough to not have to worry about small talk. “I do want. I’ll call you from the hotel.”
“I look forward to it. Talk later.”
“Later.”
I push the door open and push Tommy on the chest. “Fuck, there’s got to be another toilet around, dude.”
“Eh, you’re just gabbing like a girl in there anyway.”
Flipping him off, I grab a bottle of soda and a Twix. “Is the car here?”
Kaz says, “Just got here. C’mon."
“Hey, how real are those connections?”
“What connections?”
Being drunk the other night, he probably doesn’t even remember the conversation. I wouldn’t involve him anyway, but it’s good to know it’s an option.
***
I flop on the bed, call Jaymes, and rest my
arm over my eyes. When she answers, she sounds like she was sleeping. “Did I wake you?”
“It’s okay. It’s good to hear your voice.”
“I like this change.”
“What change would that be?”
Rolling over to my stomach, I whisper, “The one where you talk to me like we’re friends, like there’s been no time or distance separating us.”
“I like it too. I know I’ve given you a hard time and been resistant to a lot of your kindness—”
“Don’t apologize again. We could spend years searching for forgiveness for everything that’s happened. Let’s just skip to the present and start fresh.”
“When did you become the reasonable one between us?”
“Ha. Yeah, go figure. Anyway, how was your day?”
Her breathing is deep and relaxed. “Busy. Tomorrow might be worse, so if I don’t answer, you’ll know why.”
“Earlier, you said you were looking at tour dates. Want to elaborate?”
“A girl can dream.”
“It’s a dream we share.”
“I need to be upfront with you on this, Dare. I don’t know that I can make this happen. I have so many balls in the air that I’m afraid I’ll drop them and instead of bouncing, they’ll break.”
I’m close to begging. I need more time with her. Selfishly, I need to explore these feelings between us. Are they lingering from the past or developing in the present? Can it be as easy as seeing her again that has calmed the inner turmoil I’ve had? Is all of this leading to the most obvious conclusion—it’s her I’ve been missing all along? If I were to answer today . . . “Please come.”
“No guarantees. Yet. I thought I would check in with you first and find out what you were thinking. We don’t want to be a burden.”
“You guys could never be.”
She begins to whisper, “This is so fast.”
And yet not fast enough.
“But—”
My breath stops waiting for her to finish this sentence. “But?”
“I want to see you again too.”
Yes!
Score!
Goal!
Touchdown!
This victory feels better than when we won a Grammy.