by carl ashmore
Becky gave a half smile and raised her eyebrows in a look that said ‘typical’. She was about to say something when she heard a booming voice.
‘HELLO-HO-HO.’
With a creak, a side gate opened and a tall man in a red and white outfit, silken black leather boots and a tousled snow-white beard and hair walked on to the platform; shoulders arched backwards, his hands cupped a giant belly that stuck out before him like a sack of carrots. ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL…’
Becky couldn’t deny Uncle Percy made an excellent Father Christmas.
*
Joe doubled over with laughter. ‘You look ace.’
Uncle Percy bowed. ‘I thank ye, young man.’ He pulled down his beard to reveal a wide, infectious smile.
‘You look like a wally,’ Becky said jokily.
Uncle Percy bowed again. ‘I thank ye, young lady.’
Becky walked over and gave him a hug. ‘So why are you dressed like that?’
‘Unless I’m mistaken,’ Uncle Percy replied, ‘it is Christmas.’
Becky nodded. ‘Yeah, but there’s a time and a place, or do you wear it all December, in which case I’m getting back on this train and going back to Manchester!’
Uncle Percy twiddled the tip of his beard. ‘Ahh, then I shall spare you the trouble of a journey. This, I’m sad to say, is a once a year occasion. The Addlebury Children’s Christmas Party was lacking a Father Christmas - Mr Potsworth, the regular Santa, has developed a rather severe case of gout, and I was invited to step in. Anyway, as you can see, I did, had a thoroughly smashing time and the children seemed to appreciate it. I do hope they invite me back next year.’
Becky smiled. ‘I’m sure they will.’
‘Shall we make tracks?’ Uncle Percy suggested. ‘Maria has baked some rather delicious Christstollen, which I’m certain she’ll force feed you until your stomachs are as big as my current one.’
At that moment, a strange groan sounded from behind the station house.
‘What’s that?’ Becky asked, eyes narrowing with suspicion.
‘That’s a little festive surprise I’ve got for you,’ Uncle Percy replied, his warm, hazel eyes glinting roguishly.
The groaning sound echoed again, louder this time.
Becky’s gaze flicked suspiciously between the station house and Uncle Percy. ‘That’s coming from the car park, isn’t it?’
‘It might be.’
‘You’ve been breaking travelling rules again, haven’t you?’
‘I may have bent some of them a tad,’ Uncle Percy said without a hint of remorse. ‘Let me take your bag.’ He seized her suitcase, before turning sharply and marching off.
Becky had to break into a jog to keep up with him, Joe trailing close behind. ‘So what’ve you done?’ she asked.
But she didn’t need him to reply. Passing through the side gate, she came to a crushing halt as if walking headlong into an invisible wall. Parked to the rear of the station was the biggest sleigh she had ever seen. Painted in red and gold, every inch was shrouded in gleaming silver baubles and multi-coloured ribbon. But it was when she saw the source of the noise that she nearly fainted.
An enormous reindeer, about twice the size of any normal reindeer, was standing there, nodding happily, its golden harness gleaming in the hazy sunlight. It had gigantic branch-like antlers, the length of a family car, fastened to which were streams of Christmas lights that flashed green and blue. A football, painted cherry-red, had been crudely attached to its nose.
Uncle Percy extended his arms proudly. ‘Meet Roger the Red-nosed Reindeer.’
‘What-have-you-done?’ Becky gulped.
‘It’s not every year you’re invited to be Santa Claus,’ Uncle Percy replied, walking over to Roger and patting him. ‘I wanted to make an impression.’
‘I think you’ve done that,’ Becky replied.
‘How old is that reindeer?’ Joe asked, dumbstruck.
‘About ten, I think.’
‘You know what he means,’ Becky pressed. ‘When is that reindeer from?’
‘To be frank, Roger isn’t actually a reindeer,’ Uncle Percy replied. ‘He’s an Irish elk or a Megaloceros Giganteus. Do you want to feed him, Joe? He seems to have developed a real fondness for mince pies.’
Uncle Percy approached a sack on the front seat and extracted a mince pie the size of a sponge cake. He passed it to a dazed Joe, who stepped hesitantly toward Roger’s mouth, which had opened wide in eager anticipation.
Joe threw it in.
With a glazed look in his eyes, Roger swallowed it whole.
‘Excellent,’ Joe said, laughing.
‘So are you going to tell us or what?’ Becky asked firmly. ‘When is Roger from?’
Uncle Percy looked sheepish. ‘He’s from the Miocene Epoch,’ he muttered, eyes fixed on the ground. ‘It’s a very interesting period in world history and –’
Becky didn’t care. ‘And how long ago is that?’
“Five million years, give or take.’
‘You took a five million year old reindeer to a children’s party?’ Becky spluttered. ‘Are you mental?’
Uncle Percy shrugged indifferently. ‘I doubt anyone would know Roger was any different from a normal reindeer.’
‘He’s the size of a chip shop,’ Becky fired back. ‘They’ll notice.’
‘Oh, don’t exaggerate,’ Uncle Percy replied.
‘And what happens when he’s uploaded onto YouTube, and gets a billion hits on Christmas Day?’
‘I made sure he wasn’t filmed,’ Uncle Percy said with a dismissive flick of his hand. ‘Really, Becky, I don’t know why you’re getting so riled up. If you can’t spread a little magic at Christmas, when can you? And besides … I was doing it for the kids…’
Chapter 3
Peas in a Pod
Within seconds of boarding the sleigh, Becky found her concerns replaced by dizzying excitement. Sitting comfortably on plump silk cushions, she and Joe nestled beneath a tartan blanket as Uncle Percy took hold of the reins.
‘Are we ready?’ he asked Becky and Joe. Upon their eager nods, he bellowed, ‘Hi Ho, Roger. Away!’ Slowly, the sleigh trundled out of the car park, onto the open road.
Within minutes, they were moving at a pace. Skimming along like a boat on water, Becky watched the landscape glide by in a shimmering blur, Joe’s whoops of approval ringing in her ears. Roger seemed to be enjoying himself too, bellowing out moans of pleasure and carrying his head self-importantly. Before too long, they were rolling up the tree-lined path that led to Bowen Hall. As they followed the path’s curve, the Hall swelled before them in all its snow-capped glory like a gigantic wedding cake.
Uncle Percy pulled up at the Hall’s steps, when the front door banged open and a short, plump elderly lady with an unruly mop of black, curly hair rushed out, whimpering with uncontained excitement. She was followed closely by a slim, kindly faced older man, his movements impaired by a slight limp.
‘Fröliche Weinachten, my angels,’ Maria shrieked wildly. ‘Fröliche Weinachten … Merry Christmas.’
Becky climbed down from the sleigh, straight into Maria’s open arms. ‘Merry Christmas, Maria. How are you?’
‘I am well.’ Maria planted a wet kiss on Becky’s cheek. ‘My angels are here. How could I not be well?’ She hurled herself on Joe like a grizzly bear, smothering his face with kisses.
Jacob hobbled over to Becky, smiling warmly. ‘Hello, Miss Becky. I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Fröliche Weinachten.’
Becky beamed back at him. ‘Merry Christmas, Jacob.’
Then Becky heard another voice, one she would never have expected to hear.
‘Welcome, Miss Rebecca, Master Joseph.’
Becky’s gaze flicked over to the doorway to find a small, silvery figure with a round metal face and a pink bow attached to the side of her head.
Barbie gave a low bow. ‘A Merry Christmas to you both.’
Watching Barbie descend the steps, Becky
froze with shock. The last time she had seen the little robot, Uncle Percy had been at pains to keep her hidden from Maria for fear he would be boiled in a stew. Instead, Barbie was moving about in plain sight, acting as though she was as much a part of Bowen Hall as everyone else.
Stuck for words, Becky looked to Uncle Percy for an explanation but he appeared too busy shedding his costume to notice. ‘Err, hello, Barbie,’ she said, glancing nervously at Maria. To her surprise, Maria didn’t look angry at all. In fact, she looked quite the opposite.
‘Here she is,’ Maria chortled. ‘My little Fraulein Barbie.’
‘Good afternoon, Madame Maria.’ Barbie bowed again.
‘Where have you been all morning, my tiny friend? I was hoping we may be continuing our game of backgammon.’
‘I am very sorry, Madame Maria. Barbie would have enjoyed that. Unfortunately, I have been in the Time Room, installing machine –’
For a split second, Uncle Percy’s face flushed with panic. ‘Now, Barbie,’ he interjected. ‘I don’t think we need bore everyone with the details of our work, do we?’
‘If you say so, sir.’
‘I certainly do.’ Uncle Percy turned to Becky and Joe. ‘Anyway, shall we get you settled into your rooms and –’
Maria had noticed the alarm in his voice. Her eyes tightened to slits. ‘What have you had her install?’
‘What do you mean?’
Maria made a little growl. ‘You don’t want Fraulein Barbie to tell us what she has been doing. You are hiding something from Maria. And Maria doesn’t like it.’ Her eyes locked darkly on Uncle Percy. ‘So, Maria will ask again, what have you had my little friend installing?’
‘Just machine … parts,’ Uncle Percy replied weakly.
Maria inhaled a very long, very drawn-out breath. When she spoke it was in a slow, icy manner, each word tinted with menace. ‘If Maria discovers you lie to her, you know what will happen, do you not? You are knowing of the rusty mangle in the wine cellar …’
Uncle Percy’s voice wavered. ‘Yes.’
‘Good,’ Maria replied. ‘Then as you are the master, I shall believe what you are telling me. But let this be a warning. This is what happens when I find someone is false with me…’ She moved her hand as though turning an invisible handle and made a high-pitched screeching sound.
Instinctively, Uncle Percy clamped his knees together.
Becky struggled to hold back a giggle.
Satisfied she had made her point, Maria turned to Jacob. ‘Is there a reason you are still here, husband? Take the children’s bags to their rooms at once. It is cold and if they suffer so much as a sniffle you shall sleep in the stables.’
Jacob nodded and hurried over to the sleigh.
Becky blocked his path. ‘No, Jacob, let me and Joe carry our own bags -’
Maria’s hand shot up. ‘Please, my angel. It is his work that keeps the air in his lungs. Without it, he would be under the ground with the worms. You would not want that for him, would you?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Then you must let him work.’
Reluctantly, Becky stepped aside and watched as Jacob removed their cases.
Maria turned to Becky and Joe. ‘Now we shall get you cozy in your rooms and then you join me in the parlour for a goblet of Kinderpunsch…’ She grabbed Joe’s hand with a vice-like grip and dragged him up the steps.
Becky watched them leave. A smile formed on her face. ‘Maria’s not changed then?’
‘There’s more chance of Will wearing a dress than her ever doing that,’ Uncle Percy replied with a grin.
Becky was about to follow Joe into the Hall when she realised Barbie was still standing there. The little robot’s arms were planted firmly on her hips in a way Becky found familiar.
‘And, sir,’ Barbie said sharply, pointing at Roger. ‘If I may be so bold, can you tell me what this creature is doing here?’
‘It’s an Irish Elk, Barbie,’ Uncle Percy replied.
Roger gave a thunderous snort as if he knew he was the subject under discussion.
‘Barbie has checked her Cervidae database, sir, and is aware of that. However, that does not answer my question.’
‘It’s Christmas. I thought it would be a festive treat for the children in the village. I mean - he’s got a red nose and everything … like Rudolph. I did upload the story of Rudolph into your - ’
‘I am aware of the Rudolph narrative, sir,’ Barbie replied with an unmistakable edge to her voice. ‘And although I am an electroic cognivated gynoid, I can still concede the gesture for the children, but it still doesn’t negate the fact you have broken section three, paragraph two of the GITT regulatory code… again!’
Becky couldn’t believe her ears. Barbie was scolding Uncle Percy.
‘Barbie, I really wouldn’t worry.’
‘Ah, but I am beginning to worry, sir!’ Barbie replied coolly. ‘That is part of the emotional development encoded within my circuitry. I also know your actions could result in your travelling licence being revoked at what is a very dark time for humankind. Surely, therefore, your procurement of a five million year old Cervid and its transportation to the twenty first century constitutes an act of gross recklessness.’
‘Well, aren’t you the party pooper!’
‘I’m not aware that it’s possible for me to poop on a party, sir, whatever that may mean, but …’
‘We’re not keeping him,’ Uncle Percy replied, ‘so as my friend, Bruce Westbrook, would say, “Don’t get your panties in a wad.”’ He detached the football from Roger’s nose and patted his snout. ‘As a matter of fact, I was hoping you might return him for me. You can take Bertha, if you wish. The coordinates are already keyed into her time-pad.’
The little robot nodded. ‘I will certainly do that, sir. However, I would like it noted I do not approve of you bringing such creatures into this timeline and do hope you don’t make a habit of it.’
‘Your point is certainly noted, Barbie,’ Uncle Percy said solemnly. ‘As I hope mine is.’ He stuck out his tongue and blew a loud raspberry.
Barbie shot Uncle Percy what was clearly a disapproving look, before seizing Roger’s reins. Then she pulled the sleigh in the direction of the Time Room, shaking her head and muttering, ‘Pah! And that’s my architect …’
Becky was speechless. ‘I … err … what’s going on?’
Uncle Percy chuckled. ‘I think Barbie’s developed something of an attitude, don’t you?’
‘She’s become Maria.’
‘Ah, you’ve noticed that as well. I’m glad it’s not just me. Yes, it certainly seems that our little robot has adopted certain traits similar to those of our beloved housekeeper.’
‘But I don’t get it,’ Becky replied, confused. ‘I thought Maria would melt her down for scrap if she ever found her, and then do the same to you?’
‘And that’s what I thought,’ Uncle Percy replied honestly. ‘It didn’t exactly work out like that. About a fortnight ago, Maria was vacuuming the upstairs landing when Barbie materialised in the library. Unusually for me, I’d left the library door open and Maria saw everything. Unsurprisingly, Maria fainted on the spot. Anyway, I was travelling at the time, so Barbie aided her recovery. By the time I returned something strange had happened.’
‘They’d become BFFs…’ Becky beamed.
‘BFFs?’ Uncle Percy asked, puzzled.
‘Best friends forever.’
‘Something like that,’ Uncle Percy smiled back. ‘Actually, I think Barbie’s relationship with Maria has resulted in the most unprecedented advances in strong artificial intelligence. Much more than I could have ever predicted.’
‘But doesn’t it mean you’re getting nagged on all sides now?’
‘Such is the price of scientific progress,’ Uncle Percy sighed.
He linked arms with Becky and together they entered the Hall.
Once inside, Becky had the loveliest surprise. Set between the two curved flights of stairs,
so tall it scraped the high ceiling, was a Christmas tree, decorated from top to bottom in golden baubles and silk garlands of crimson and emerald-green.
‘Wow,’ Becky gasped.
‘We’ve made something of an effort this year,’ Uncle Percy said proudly, noting the astonished look on Becky’s face. ‘It’s a Norwegian Spruce, the same as the one erected each year in Trafalgar Square. By the way, did you know the Norwegian people donate the Trafalgar tree to Britain each year in recognition of our involvement in the Second World War? Isn’t that a lovely gesture?’
‘Yes,’ Becky replied quietly.
Uncle Percy allowed Becky a few seconds to appreciate the tree before saying, ‘Now, you haven’t forgotten about tonight’s ‘Enchantment beneath the sea dance’?’
‘No,’ Becky replied.
‘And you still want to come?’
‘Deffo,’ Becky replied. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
‘Excellent,’ Uncle Percy replied. ‘I do hope you enjoy it.’
Becky nodded eagerly. In truth, ‘looking forward to it’ was something of an understatement. Ever since Uncle Percy had mentioned the GITT (Global Institute for Time Travel) Christmas Party – an annual fancy dress party attended by the entire time travelling community – she had been desperate to go. In fact, it was all she had thought about for weeks.
‘I don’t have to wear a daft costume though, do I?’ Becky asked, suddenly feeling hesitant.
Uncle Percy shook his head. ‘Oh, no. Most travellers do go in fancy dress, but it’s not mandatory and especially not for spouses and guests. This year should be a particular hoot. Obviously, there’s a maritime theme, so I’m expecting plenty of imaginative outfits. I hear Archie Poppleton’s coming as a Hagfish.’ He grinned. ‘Trust me, time travellers can be a pretty wild bunch when they let their hair down.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ Becky quipped. ‘I bet you guys really rock.’
Uncle Percy didn’t detect the sarcasm in her voice. ‘Yes, we certainly do. Anyway, I’ve taken the liberty of choosing a few outfits for both you and Joe, but you can wear whatever you want. Last year, Dilbert Wong turned up in a pink nightdress and flippers, even though the theme was ‘The Wild West.’