“No, I just wanted a glass of wine. Maybe. If that’s okay? Is that okay?” Her brow quirks up while she waits for my response.
The questions hanging in her features slam a reminder of who I was down on the table. This may not be the right place to deal with this issue, but I’ll be damned if she thinks she can’t do something because of the addict living inside me.
“Is that why you never drink in front of me?”
She shrugs, her gaze returning to the menu, but it’s her teeth chewing on her bottom lip that lay the truth out in the open.
“I’ll take a sweet tea, and get her…” I glance over to Naomi and ask, “White or red?”
“White.” Naomi’s voice is so small after mine.
“And her a glass of white wine. I don’t care what kind.”
Without offering an excuse to the waitress, Hadley, or Reed, I grab Naomi’s hand and pull her out of the booth. I drag her through the restaurant until the bell rings out above us as we pass through the exit. The talk about alcohol should have come up before now. I just forget about it since I don’t ever need to talk about it with my friends. They never second-guess whether or not they can have a drink.
If I go to parties, I leave before things get wild. I don’t want anyone, or anything, to test my sobriety. And without sobriety, I don’t have anything. But wine, beer, shots aren’t the test I’m nervous about failing.
“I want to know if this is the reason you’ve never had a drink around me. Is it because of my addiction?”
“No.” Naomi’s eyes look everywhere but mine. It is.
“Yes, it is. I can tell. If you want to get drunk, do it. Don’t hold back on my account. If you were doing drugs, I wouldn’t be saying this, but I can handle being around alcohol. Trust me on that. You having one glass of wine won’t make me turn to cocaine. Hell, I’ve been DD for Callum at least a hundred times since I got sober. I can be that for you.”
Tilting her head to the side, Naomi peers into my eyes. “X, I love you. You know that.”
“Yes.” I do.
“Then you should know that if it’s drinking or you, it will always be you.”
“But you deserve to have fun.”
I don’t want her to think she can’t relax because of what I am. I want her to get that. We can’t move forward if I don’t tell her these things. If I don’t let her be young and have crazy nights out with friends.
“Do you know how many times I’ve gotten drunk?”
“No.” It’s not something we’ve ever talked about, not even before.
“It has happened a total of four times. You want to know why it’s only been those few times?”
“Yes?” If she says she wanted to have raunchy sex, I’ll die. Like remove her from this very spot, pick up a twelve pack at the drive through liquor store, take her home and fuck her like a crazy person on every single surface in my house.
“Because I hate it.”
Not what I was expecting. Not even a little. “That would be a good reason.”
“It’s a great reason not to be a drunk. A fun drink with a cute little umbrella in it, a glass of wine when I’ve had a stressful day, or some beer over dinner I can handle and even want sometimes. A little buzz with friends while out for a night on the town, all right. It’s enjoyable. But the thought of being so drunk you can’t function on your own…no thank you. I’ll pass. Those times I had to be taken care of because I couldn’t walk—or God, the throwing up all night long. Don’t even get me started on being hung over the next day. No, that wasn’t a memorable time in my life. I hated that. So I simply never do it.”
“When you put it that way, that sounds like a smart idea.” Genius idea, in fact.
“It does. I am smart, Xavier. Smarter than most to find out I hated it sooner rather than later. Who wants to wake up and have to figure out clues about what they did the night before? I don’t.”
My brain thinks about all the times I did just that, woke up without a clue how or when I got home, if I made a fool of myself, or got into a fight with one of my bandmates and had no idea how to make it better.
Naomi’s cool hand grazes my face. “I didn’t mean just you. I’m sorry if I brought up thoughts you don’t like being reminded of.”
“I won’t lie to you. What you just said hit a nerve, but I also need that as a reminder of why I quit. I know we don’t talk about this much. I don’t talk about it to anyone unless it’s my group. But during rehab, my head became clearer. It was like a wake-up call. All I had were those nights. I can’t count the number of nights and days that blurred together. And I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am that you figured that shit out before it could become part of who you are. Because once it worms itself in, it’s hard to get it out.”
She lays her palm on my cheek. “I’m glad you are who you are now.”
“Me too.” I cover her hand with my own. “The rest was over a long time ago, but it will always be a voice in my head. That’s why I don’t touch anything that could change my life again. I was lucky enough to get a second chance. I won’t get a third.”
“You amaze me.” Naomi’s eyes shine with pride as she speaks.
“Nah, I’m just living life the best way I can. One day at a time.” Sometimes one hour, sometimes one minute. But those are things only addicts understand.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Absolutely. You can ask me anything.”
“Do you still have that…you know…urge to use?”
“Honestly, yes. Sometimes. I can go months without thinking about it, but then I’ll have a series of days when the bite of using crawls up my neck, and I struggle to shake it. That’s why even after so many years without any drugs but Advil, I’m still active in my meetings and groups. I need that constant. The thought of losing it all again is too great not to have that solid ground.”
“You’re a smart man as well.”
“I am?”
“You are. You know what your strengths are. Know what your weaknesses are. That is better than even me,” she says with a wink. “But what you just said is why I’ve never wanted to order a cocktail around you, not that we really went out before. But I never brought a bottle of wine when I came over. I didn’t want to be the one who brought temptation to you. You don’t drink because you’re nervous it will be the gateway back to addiction, even though you were never an alcoholic. You being the you I’ve grown to love; you staying you is more important than anything a beer could give me.”
In one forward motion, Naomi’s in my arms. There isn’t anything else that needs to be said between us. Naomi understands where I stand and the ghosts I deal with are true life. I have to keep the demons at bay to live the life I’ve worked so hard to obtain—one where I see Charlie—one where I can have it all. Naomi doesn’t want anything more than I can give her, but the beauty is, I want to give her everything.
The years passed, and I waited to have her back. It seems liked a lifetime since then. Now, she’s standing next to me, side by side, and even more perfect than I imagined.
The crowd has grown larger and music rushes through the speakers of the bar over all the conversations as we settle back at the table, the server long gone. Reed and Hadley cuddle in the corner of the booth and whisper to each other.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Sorry about that. Had to clear some stuff up.”
“You guys all right?” Hads asks, her face searching mine. No one understands what addicts go through unless they went through it, and she has.
“Yep, never better. My drink is safe to drink, right? The girl didn’t spit in it after you yelled at her?”
“No, why would I do that?”
“She was looking at your husband like he was a slab of meat.”
Reed’s face pinches, and I know Hads must have smacked him under the table. “I told you.”
He lifts up his hands in surrender. “It’s not my fucking fault you’re a hormonal nutcase if a girl looks at me twice. I me
an I’m that hot, but control yourself, woman.”
Hadley cuts her eyes at Reed, her finger shaking as she points at him. “It’s your fault, you’re the one that wanted another baby.”
Naomi chokes on her wine, and I drop the piece of bread on the table.
“Did you say baby? As in pregnant?” Naomi asks.
Hadley squares her shoulders, only a hint of a smile on her face. Hadley lost one baby years ago. That sent her through a spiral of drug experimentation to numb the pain, and then she had complications with their son, Owen, that brought up some of those old demons she buried. I’m sure she’s careful.
“I am.” She glances over to Reed, who only squeezes her shoulder for support. “We haven’t told my family yet, just want to get through the first trimester, so please don’t say anything to anyone.”
“I wouldn’t. Everything good?” That’s my number one concern when it comes to her being pregnant. A girl can only take so much, even as strong as she is; I know just how easily it could cause a slip.
“So far, so good. We’re eight weeks, but still…” She swallows hard, wanting to say more but seems to be stuck in thought.
I don’t know what to say. I never do during these times. It’s my downfall at groups. But Naomi saves the day.
“I’ll send some prayers and good juju your way. And if you need some help with Owen, or if you get too tired or sick, I’ll gladly take him off your hands for a while.”
“Thank you, Naomi. That’s so sweet. I may have to take you up on that. This time is so much different already. I’m just so tired, and it seems like Owen is sucking up all my leftover energy,” she says with a smile before turning her attention to me. “You better keep this girl, X. I like her. I’m calling her spot in the friendship circle. So don’t fuck up. It will make it awkward at the camp.”
“I’ll try not to fuck it up just for you. But your lack of confidence in me is astonishing. I’m not that bad.” I was, but Naomi is more to me.
“No, but guys fuck up everything. I know Reed did all the damn time. Still does. Don’t you, sweetie?”
“It’s always my fault, babe. Hey, X, if you guys get married, make sure to put that in the vows. I would have if someone had told me what I was walking into.”
“I’ll do that. Put it between death do us part and keep my balls. That work?”
“Totally, man.”
A slow, crimson color spreads over Naomi’s face. I had just gone over the line that had been delicately drawn in our future. We may not have talked about what will be ahead of us, but she knows now. No one will get her again. I’m going to put everything down, and she will wear another ring on another finger sooner rather than later.
I can’t help the smile that forms on my lips. I like her more, I love her, she’s everything. And it only gets stronger.
Mine.
“Want to go play some darts, so these girls can gossip and shit?” Reed asks, grabbing his beer before I can answer.
Turing my attention to Naomi, I whisper in her ear, “Don’t be freaked out. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“You’re freaked out.”
She chuckles. “A little.”
I narrow my eyes at her.
“Okay a lot. Just a big day today.”
“You’ll get there. I’m going to head over with Reed. You good here?”
Hadley pushes my tea toward my hands. “Go, I won’t hurt her, or tell her all your secrets.”
“Whatever, I can tell when I’m not wanted.”
When I stand up, Naomi’s hand grabs mine and offers me a squeeze and a smile. I freaked her out, but still she wants to support me.
Reed straightens his shoulders and throws the dart directly into the middle before talking. “Hadley wasn’t kidding when she said she likes Naomi. We all do. Really, she’s mad cool, and her putting up with your ass is a double bonus.”
“Man, I do, too.”
Reed throws another dart, hitting the red right outside the bullseye. “She’s how much younger than you?”
“Little shy of eighteen years.” Running my fingers through my hair, I acknowledge the difference. “Crazy when I say it out loud.”
“How does it work? I get the whole thing when you first started and it being a summer fling, but how does it work now? That’s a huge fucking age gap. What the fuck do you guys even talk about?”
If it wasn’t Reed, and the fact he’s just nosy about how a relationship like ours works, I would have a problem with these questions. But it is Reed, and he doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s just curious.
“Man, I don’t know. She’s just an old soul, even when this first started I knew that. She took care of Lock for years and it matured her, and hell, I’m still processing like I’m twenty. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t question it. I welcome it.”
Reed takes a sip of his beer and hands me my darts. “Tell me what Lock said when she left you today. I won’t tell anyone.”
“By anyone, you mean anyone but Hadley? Hadley and Naomi are getting close. I’m not falling for that shit. Naomi will find out.”
“Come on. When you tell me something, you tell her something. It’s written somewhere that’s how marriage works. Don’t knock the rules—I didn’t make them up, I just follow them. From the way you didn’t fight about the joke I made over there, seems like you’ll be the next to take the dive into the marriage pool.”
“I think I scared her more than anything. We haven’t talked about that shit.”
“Damn, I’m sorry, man.”
“Don’t be. It’s cool.” I release the dart, not hitting anywhere near Reed’s. “Look at our girls over there. Talking along. Wonder what they’re saying?”
“Probably bitching about us leaving the toilet seat up or some shit. Or Naomi is getting the ins and outs of being pregnant. So when you knock her up she knows what to do.”
The dart falls out of my fingers.
“What? She’s not pregnant now is she?”
Hell no.
“I hope not,” I strangle out.
Hell to the no.
“What?”
“I don’t want any more kids.” At all.
Reed glances over at Naomi staring at something on Hadley’s phone. “Does she know? Heads up, that’s probably the ultrasound picture she’s looking at like it’s the answer to it all.”
“I’ve never brought it up. Didn’t think I would have to, kinda like the marriage thing, figured it would come up on its own.”
“Now’s the time. She’s young, late twenties…she probably wants kids.” He smacks my shoulder as he passes me. “Let’s head over there before Hadley has it in Naomi’s mind to get knocked up tonight.”
My whole body is tense as I follow him over to the booth. I don’t have a clue what I’ll do if she wants children.
I thread my fingers through Naomi’s, the rumble of the truck down the highway is the only sound between us. My chest is heavy as though a brick is lying on it. I know what’s coming. What I have to ask, but it could cause a flood of other questions.
“Hey, what has you looking like you want to solve the world’s hunger problems? You’ve been like that since you came back from the darts.” Naomi’s question breaks the silence.
“Nothing.”
Everything.
“Are you sure? You’ve been acting really strange.”
Freaked out.
“No, I’m sure. I’m just working out a song in my head.”
Naomi pauses for a second, taking in my features. I will ask her. When the time is right. And the truck isn’t the right place. Not tonight. Not after today when I just uttered the first “I love you” to her.
“Is it cool if I drop you off at your dad’s?”
“Sure, I thought I was going to stay over, but if you want to, that’s fine.”
“Zoey is dropping off Charlie early. Don’t want to start a fight with her.”
Or with you if I can’t hold off asking.
The truth of the question I ask may change everything about us. And I’m not sure how I can budge if her answer is not what I want to hear.
You can’t compromise on wanting a child. You either do, or you don’t.
And I don’t.
Chapter 14
Naomi
I stare at the book lying on my lap as the words blur around on the page. I count down the minutes ‘til Xavier gets back from his group session. It was an extra one he just “had to go to” he said, which left Charlie without a ride home from dance. So I decided to wait for him, in hopes his mood had changed drastically from last night when he practically threw me out of the truck.
But my heart thunders when the sound of a car door slams, and I hear heavy footsteps up the porch, and then the door slams shut.
Damn. He’s pissed.
“Charlie, get your ass down here now.”
She looks up from her homework, her eyes growing wider with each second.
I nod toward Xavier. “Go, I’ll stay here.”
“You promise?”
“Just go, Charlie, before he gets worse.”
Charlie’s bare feet pad across the room. “Yeah, Pops?”
“Did you skip class?”
“I think I…”
“Charlie, I don’t care what you say. Give me the phone I pay for and your aaa—butt better be in your room in two seconds. Because nothing you say or do can make what you did remotely right.”
I stand up from the sofa, taken aback by Xavier’s tone with her. He’s stern when the time calls for it, but I’ve never once heard him raise his voice to Charlie.
“Pops, I told you…”
My eyes track every movement X makes, and my nerves are at full stretch. Charlie upset him so much his body is shaking.
“Listen to me right now. What is—was, I guess I should say—our one rule between us? The one I said I never wanted broken.”
“Not to ever lie,” Charlie speaks, her confidence gone.
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