Naomi
Twelve weeks into the journey that will start motherhood. I have moments, loads of them, when it becomes surreal that I have not one, but two children growing inside me. Now, sitting in the doctor’s waiting area with at least four more pregnant women, is when one of those times smacks me dead in the face. As I flip through the pages of the Pregnancy Now magazine, my anxiety skyrockets. These girls all look like they have their shit together, healthy, with a man by their sides.
Hell, this morning when I looked in the mirror, it was unforgettable. I stared at the reflection that mimicked every movement back at me. Only the person had a bump forming and couldn’t button the jeans she had on. That wasn’t supposed to happen this early. Everything I eat, I end up throwing up.
“What are you reading?”
I glance up, the drop of my stomach hitting my toes as I stare at the man in front of me.
Xavier.
“What in the world…?” I meant to ask that to myself, only the slow, steady smile forming on his lips told me I just put it out there for him to hear.
“I told you I wanted to be here for all of them.” The words hang in the heat between us. Everyone around us is forgotten as he sits down next to me.
“But…” I can’t get the words out. My mind is racing a million miles a minute trying to process him here with me.
“I’ll save you the trouble of wondering. I asked Hadley.” Xavier’s lips form a cocky smile.
“She gave you my appointment schedule?”
Traitor.
“Reluctantly, but yes. She seems to have this idea in her head about our children growing up together.”
I huff, dropping the magazine onto the table. “Of course she does.”
She has been on this kick of giving him another chance. Something happened between them, and Hadley has changed her tune, forgiving how X acted. But it wasn’t okay. I can’t be this flame he can put out when he feels like it’s too much heat.
Xavier’s taking some kind of sick joy in making me uncomfortable with his presence.
“Don’t get so butt-hurt.” He knocks into my shoulder as he winks. “Just to let you know, this is me proving it.”
Rolling my eyes, I mutter, “Shut up.”
“Just thought I should tell you since you seem not to like me very much.”
“It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s that I can’t like you, like you. Anymore.”
Glancing around, I notice the women staring at him, even with their husbands next to them, and I’m jealous of them. They get to see him for what he is on the outside. Appreciate him for his looks. Instead, I see him inside. His dismissal of me being the first thing burned into my brain, and I can’t erase it.
It’s ugly.
Not handsome in the least.
And who he is.
“I’m good with just being here right now.” All of that said using his sexy voice.
Whatever.
Right now.
He is going to drive himself crazy if he thinks the “right now” part will ever change.
“Those dreams in your head will stay right there.”
“You just wait and see.” Xavier squares his shoulders, oozing confidence.
I won’t budge on him.
I won’t abandon my stance.
I don’t care how much, how hard, or how long he tries.
Twenty weeks.
Pink and blue threw up…everywhere. Balloons, streamers, food dye. People wearing it. It’s madness.
I wanted to find out the gender of the children in the privacy of a doctor’s office. But Charlie apparently wanted it this way, and I can’t seem to say no to her when it comes to her love for her siblings. Since the minute Xavier told her I was pregnant, she has been the best big sister anyone could ask for. And when she called and asked if we could just please have this party for them, I couldn’t say no.
So here I am, at Hadley and Reed’s house, in a half blue and half pink shirt because I think it’s one of each—or more like I would like the best of both worlds when raising them. Some lace and some baseball. I could live with that. The thought of two boys and the Nerf gun wars, or two girls fighting over the same clothes is almost enough to make me get a fork out and stab myself.
Charlie wears only pink proudly, and Xavier’s sporting a blue shirt. Part of me thinks he only did blue because he wouldn’t be caught dead in pink. Much like Reed or Lock. Charlie made a joke that we are a family divided as soon as we stepped through the door. God how I wish it were only on the gender of the babies.
Charlie has been glued to my side, counting down the seconds ‘til everyone got here. When she found out about the babies, she vowed to be the best sister she could be. It’s one of the many reasons I’m glad Xavier decided to tell her about me being pregnant. I think her excitement overshadowed her disappointment in herself for us not being together anymore.
“Can we do it soon, Omi? Please? I’m dying to know.”
I glance at my watch; whoever wanted to show up should have done it by now.
“If you want to. I’ll go get Hadley.”
“No, you get Pops. I’ll get her.”
Charlie and her twelve-year-old mind thinks everything will work out if she forces us together.
Internally, I twitch, but place a smile on the outside. Charlie wants it back to what it was before the blowup. “I can do that.”
The sea of blues and pinks split as I walk through the cloud of people, the fake smile still in place as I spot Xavier talking with Callum.
Deep breath in, I clear my throat. “Hi, Callum. Sorry to interrupt, but I need you, Xavier.”
“Told ya you would need me again,” X says with a smirk on his lips.
His words leave an angry bite to my own. “Yep. That’s totally it, or it could be that Charlie wants to find out now, and you being like this doesn’t make things easier.” A hazy warning lingers over us as we stare at each other.
“Oh, it’s that time already,” Xavier finally says.
“Guess so.”
My anger does nothing to stop him from wanting to be around me. If anything, it’s making him want to be closer, which only pisses me off more.
His eyes shoot up, the excitement showing around him. From the moment he showed up at the doctor’s office, X has been there every step of the way. He calls three times a day, texts between them, and has even shown up at my house with boxes of diapers and more wipes than I have space for. I’m letting him into that part of my life, but that’s it.
I tell myself that every time he is near, acting like the person I first fell in love with.
Callum forgotten, my legs shake and my pulse quickens as X places a hand on the center of my back. “Let’s do this.”
I nod as he leads me outside—that’s all I can do. One stupid lone touch from him makes me mush. The last few weeks I’ve found my only cure from it is space, lots and lots of it. Space I won’t get tonight ‘til it could be too late.
Each step closer to where Hadley and Charlie are makes my body vibrate with anxious joy. Today, I will have the moment I’ve waited twenty long weeks for. Boys or Girls. Either way, my life is about to take another turn.
Xavier turns his head my way, offering a small smile and never dropping his touch on me.
Hadley claps her hands together. “When Charlie came to me about having this, I knew we could do something completely different with the unveiling. But after what felt like months instead of a week, Xavier had this idea, and it was perfect for these two music-loving parents. And it will be the best surprise for Naomi that we knew she would just love.” She throws a grin my way. “Xavier recorded two…I guess I would go with known songs. One for a boy, one for a girl.” I can feel the heat, the burning in the corners of my eyes. For someone who didn’t want any more, he is doing a really good job at showing how much he wants these. “I have two different speakers connected to two different iPods. You can tell by the pretty signs that the big sister, Charlie, mad
e. Baby A is the one to the right, and baby B is to the left. Naomi and Xavier, why don’t you come up here and see what you will be having.”
I don’t move. Instead, I take Charlie by the hand to go with us. She wants this just the same as us. “You want to do this with us? Together?” I ask.
“Omi! Yes.”
Xavier mouths “thank you,” and all three of our fingers shake as we press the button to iPod one.
A hush gathers around the crowd as Xavier’s voice floats around.
The second the melody starts, I’m startled as I glare at him. He went there.
Pulled the big guns out for this.
“You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead
From your nice warm bed.
You just remember what your old pal said.
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me.”
“It’s a boy,” I barely say, a rush of tears forming in my eyes. He took my favorite Disney movie he learned from that stupid game we used to play and put his voice to it.
Best present he could have ever given me.
Xavier’s thumb wipes a tear before it has a chance to fall.
This memory I don’t ever want to lose. No matter what happened. He stepped up for this.
“We have one more,” he says.
Like it’s only us in this moment. Us. Our family.
My nerves return as another hush settles and we press the button to baby B. My mouth drops. I can’t think as Xavier lets out a song. When I was only nineteen and playing on the trampoline like I had nothing left to lose, I told him I related to this song most. He let out a laugh, gathered me in his arms, and simply said, “of course you did.”
“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl.
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove, treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin’ around here you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything.”
“It’s a girl.”
The tears now flow like a river. This is too much. The songs, Xavier going above what I could think, a boy and a girl. Gratification ripples through me. Xavier. He gave me the best present he could ever think of.
And so much more. He knew just what I needed.
Charlie shrieks, sending me back to the here and now before circling us both. “I can’t wait to meet you two. Can we name them now?”
I wipe my eyes and swallow hard to regain my composure. “We can. Why don’t you guys come over next week and help me go through some of the baby books?”
“Can we, Pops? Please, please? I can’t wait to send a snap about this.” She is already pulling her phone out.
Xavier never stops looking at me, an unspeakable joy shining through his eyes. “We can do that.”
“Yes!” Her smile never loses its intensity as she takes to her phone before running off to talk to Hadley.
Xavier shuffles his feet, smoothing out his hair with his hand. “One of both. You excited?”
It’s too easy to get lost in the way he’s looking at me. Like I’m his song.
“X, you…that… I am at a loss.” I’m choking from the emotion.
“I didn’t want to make you cry.”
“For the first time in a really really long time, they are good tears. Thank you. So much.”
His hands tremble as he takes my cheeks in his palms. “This is what you and our children will always get from me. Since I’m not going to be there at night, I figured they would fall asleep with my voice. Something is better than nothing.”
“You know, I won’t stop you from putting them to bed. Ever. If you are in this—I mean, all in for them—then I won’t leave. It won’t be good for them to keep you away if that’s what you want.”
He drops his fingers from my face. “I’m going to hold you to that.” The chill from the emptiness of his touch hits me.
“I wouldn’t put anything past you. Hey, it’s a good thing you know how to shoot.”
Xavier lowers his eyes to my stomach. “I can’t believe your belly.”
A slight giggle erupts. This thing is huge. “I know, I told Lock today that if I’m this big now, not sure I can stretch for another four months. I’ve been feeling some little movements. Kinda feels like butterflies dancing in my stomach. It’s really neat.”
“Can I feel?”
“I haven’t felt any on the outside.”
“No, I mean can I feel the…our babies? Would you mind?”
I can do this. This is normal for a dad to want to feel. I can do it. This is our new normal. Co-parenting will be our thing.
“Oh, that. I guess.”
“Where do I do it?”
A spark of electricity hits me as I take his hand and softly place it on my stomach.
His eyes widen in surprise as he rubs his hands over the bump. “Wow,” he softly says.
“I know.”
Xavier dips his head down, whispers something I can’t hear, then lays his forehead on my stomach.
He comes up, licking his lips before he speaks. “I didn’t think…I mean… You. Me. Babies.”
“That we are.”
“No, I mean. I thought I comprehended it, after the doctor’s visits and hearing the heartbeats. But this…here…and them being there. It’s…fuck.” His Adam’s apple bounces as he swallows. “It’s real.”
I hide a thick swallow. “Please don’t check out on us now. Not after tonight. Please. It’s hard doing it by myself. It’s been really hard. A lot more than what I thought it would be. And today was the first time I can imagine raising them with you.”
“Never, Omi. Never. I told you I’m in. And I won’t let you walk alone, cry alone, be alone, raise them alone. You can count on me.”
It dawns on me with him this close, such a true intimate moment, that the hate I had bottled up is no longer there. I now have hope for our future.
“X, I want you to know I forgive you.”
“I’m glad. One step at a time.”
“Slow down. I forgive you, doesn’t mean I’m forgetting.”
“I know. But one day you will let me love you. The right—correct—way.”
“That one day isn’t today.”
“But it could be tomorrow.”
“Always tomorrow, Xavier.”
Always.
Twenty-four weeks
Some ladies love being pregnant—they find it the best part of their lives. I, Naomi Minter, am not one of those people. In fact, I hate it. And I’ve already decided I’m never getting knocked up again. That’s if I can find someone who will sleep with me, because this body will never go back to the burlesque dancer it used to be. What I thought about my stomach stretching has been wrong. Oh, it’s growing and leaving ugly marks in its wake. The hormones. I cry all the time. And it’s happy tears now—or sad tears. But tears nonetheless. And I still can’t go a day without puking. Add having to pee all the time, and it’s all a recipe for disaster. If someone else tells me to embrace it, I may punch them, and then claim mental defect.
“Hey, will you hand me the Phillips head?” Xavier asks, getting me out of my daze.
“Can I just kick it over to you? This chair is very comfy.” So comfy, and it forms to my whole body. I can’t wait to rock the babies in it.
Xavier chuckles before he decides to get up and get the screwdriver himself.
“Are you really good with the names? I know you were kinda silent about the whole thing.”
“Nah, you and Charlie did good. I spoke up when you guys were picking names that my son would get his ass kicked for.”
I relax even further into the chair. Xavier showed up with a glider last week, and I fell in love with it from the moment I sat in it. It’s heaven, and I’m thinking I may hold onto it even after the twins are old enough not
to need it.
“We were not picking names that would do that.”
Xavier raises his brow. “Bryon Alexander. That seems like a politician’s son, not ours.”
I shrug. I liked it when I suggested it, but now it doesn’t seem like one for us. “I guess it does.”
“What is that?” Xavier’s brow pinches.
“Fine, you were right. I think what we picked is perfect.”
“Me too. Hollis Locklan is a badass son’s name. Your Pops is going to freak. And Caitlan Alexis is awesome, too. I like how it’s a C. So both my girls have it.”
“Good.” I flinch when I feel it. Then it happens again. Hit. And another time. “X, one of them just kicked.”
He drops everything in his hands and turns wide eyes my way. “You’re shitting me?”
I was worried the last time I went to the doctor, but he assured me with twins you feel less movement because they are both squashed in there.
Now, I’m not sure I’ll ever forget this time.
“Nope, not at all. Hurry, someone is really excited about their names.”
The crib forgotten, he scurries across the floor on his knees. “Where?”
“Give me your hand.”
I place it right in the spot. A tap. Tap. Tap again.
“Holy fuck balls.”
“I know, right?”
“You be nice to your mommy in there, and be nice to each other. I don’t want black eyes coming out of there.” My breath hitches as he places two kisses on my stomach.
It’s these times I want to forget the last few months we had and be a family.
“You look beautiful, Omi. Really.” Xavier swipes a strand out of my face.
“No, I’m fat.”
“No, this sight, you carrying my babies, brings me to my knees.”
“Too bad you’re already on your knees.”
He moves slowly, and I know what he’s doing. Something I don’t have the power to stop. My heart pounds and my pulse quickens. I am about to kiss him.
His gaze travels over my face, and his lips brush against mine as he speaks scarcely enough for my ears to hear. “I love you.” His mouth covers mine, and we devour each other. His hands slip through my arms, bringing me closer. And closer. I have zero desire to back out. Every place he touches leaves me trembling.
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