“I am happy.” He smiled. “I just want you to know that this is why I never had sex with you. I knew it wouldn’t be right. There was a time I thought it might make all the difference, but I probably couldn’t have gotten it up anyway.”
“But you had, many times…uh, gotten it up, I mean.”
“G, I think you’re beautiful, but I’m not gonna lie, I had to think about Alan to even kiss you lately.”
She looked over at Alan and his expression was tight. The thought of Brady kissing her probably didn’t sit well. Guess what, Alan, it didn’t sit well with her now, either.
“And in high school? Plenty of up-page in the back of your truck.”
“Back then I was confused about who I was, so it was a little easier. But sometimes I had to think of someone else then, too.” If she had the right equipment, this might have all been insulting, but she could’t compete with a penis.
“Like a secret crush?”
He nodded.
“From our town?”
He nodded again.
She couldn’t help herself, she had to know. “Who?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. It was no one.”
“Please, indulge me.”
“It was just this guy I had an art class with junior year. I don’t want to say his name, it’s embarrassing.”
“More embarrassing than me finding an extra set of cock and balls under your covers less than an hour ago?…I didn’t think so.”
“I’m sure you know him, Nate Bristol.”
Could someone choke on irony?
“Oh, for the ever lovin’ fuck,” she muttered under her breath. Brady gave her a look. “Sorry, I’ve been embracing my inner F word lately.” She shrugged. “ So, what are you gonna do, Brady? I mean, you have to tell your parents. You’re gonna come out now, right?” It wouldn’t go over well with his parents, the town, anyone. But at least he wouldn’t be living a lie.
“Thank you, Georgia!” Alan yelled. “That’s our biggest fight.”
“That, and the fact he has a girlfriend.” Georgia said, cocking her head.
“Well, that too. But it was all part of the same problem. He feels he can’t come out and achieve what he wants to achieve.”
“That’s just sad,” Georgia said, but she couldn’t help but see where Brady was coming from. Then a thought occurred to her. Was he gay in real life? Who knew. It didn’t really make a difference. And nothing says ‘let him go’ like finding another man in your boyfriend’s bed.
Message received, loud and clear.
She put a hand on his knee. “Brady, I hope we can still be friends, now that I know you’re not a giant prick.”
Alan looked like he was going to say something and Georgia raised her hand. “Not ready for dick references yet, okay?”
“Okay,” Alan said with a slight grin.
He was very good looking. Tall, built, with coal black hair and tan skin. Brady had good taste— she wasn’t excluding herself in that statement.
She stood up. “Well, I guess I should be going so I can go process all of this.”
They walked her to the door. She kissed Brady on the cheek, and squeezed Alan’s arm, then waved goodbye to them as she walked down the stone steps outside.
If she wasn’t in love with her husband, who was about to have a baby with his new wife, this whole scene would have crushed her. Nope, she hadn’t been in love with Brady in a long time, and breaking her heart all of those years ago was the best gift he could have ever given her. She could now admit that with infinite certainty.
The real question was, what now?
No Nate. No Brady. Not that she had to have a man, but hell, it would’ve been nice if one of the two guys she’d ever loved was available. Maybe she had to let both of them go in order to get out of here. Her steps picked up with that thought, renewing her notion that this would soon be over. She was here for a reason, lessons to be learned, blah blah blah. She felt like she’d learned enough.
She looked up and yelled, “Got it, universe—be thankful for what you have. Done and done.” Georgia continued her fast pace back to her dorm, ignoring the curious onlookers. They could stare, she was beyond caring.
Three weeks stuck here was long enough.
~Chapter Eighteen~
Month seven had just past. And for the first time since this whole thing started, she didn’t have a plan of action. She was out of ideas and devoid of hope. Even her special spot, this spot, couldn’t offer her solace.
The fading sunlight streaked across the horizon like a splash of paint. She closed her eyes to the beauty and went inside herself.
“Stand still.”
“I’m trying.” Georgia laughed.
“Well, you’re doin’ a shit job of it,” he teased.
“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one standing here in their birthday suit in front of God and everybody.”
“There’s no one here but you and me, baby. Relax.” Nate dipped his brush into the paint and pressed it against the large stand in front of him. The moist bristles made a soft scratching noise against the canvas. Georgia did her best not to squirm, but it was hard not to be self conscious, even with Nate’s proclamations of perfection.
The barn was cold despite the mild temperatures of the autumn night outside. The thin white sheet draped around her left hip did little to warm her chilled skin. Nate was all concentration, with his furrowed brow and unruly curls concealed beneath a backwards cap. His chest was bare and streaked with various shades of color. He almost looked like a native American warrior painted for battle, were it not for the blond hair and blue eyes.
Georgia lifted the edge of the sheet a few inches only to get a snort in rebuttal. She sighed and let the fabric fall below her hip bone once more and decided to just let it be. They’d been married for two months, her tummy, now rounded with a slight bulge just below her belly button. Why she agreed to let Nate do a portrait was beyond her. He swore it would be tasteful and “nipple free.”
So, that’s how she found herself standing before her new husband, staving off shivers and embarrassment. He must have noticed her discomfort, because he moved his arm in several vertical strokes, rough and determined, then he set the brush on the corner of the wooden table beside him. He walked towards her with a strange look in his eye. It wasn’t an ogle, but a discerning look of an artist taking in his subject.
“Baby, if you could only see yourself like I see you.” He came to stand right in front of her. The lone spotlight from above illuminated them both. “Relax.” He put his hands on her shoulders for a brief moment, then slid down her arms. The caress languid. Her skin prickled, now from his touch rather than the cool air of the barn. There was a sweet distant scent of hay. Then she picked up the smell of soap with just a twinge of sweat. Nate. It made her want to drop the sheet altogether.
He brushed a hand across her chest, leaving a streak of white paint in its wake. Her nipples pebbled and her bottom lip got caught in her teeth. Her hands trembled, then she let the sheet cascade to the floor. The way he was looking at her gave her confidence.
“They say an artist is just as good as their muse…I can be good.” She cocked her head.
Nate inhaled sharply, then put both hands on her. She arched into his touch, wrapping one leg around his hip. Nate then reached behind him. Georgia wasn’t sure what he had in his hand until she felt the soft bristles of a paintbrush on her inner thigh. The brush was dry, at first, as he created a masterpiece not with paint, but with the warm soft parts of her that now belonged to him. Georgia gasped as he stoked her sensitive skin, her mouth found his in an urgent, desperate way.
She went to a place she’d never expected. Erotic, but without guilt. This was her husband and she felt free to do what her body willed, and her body willed her to ride his hand and then unbutton his jeans, to take him with all that she had. Paint and sweat. She gave herself over with her head thrown back and thighs clenching his waist. Her whimpers bounced off the t
in ceiling above them.
“I’m so glad you’re mine,” Nate whispered against her cheek.
And she was his. Her heart since warmed to the idea of belonging to this passionate young man, who was just as comfortable taking apart an engine as he was creating works of art. He liked to work with his hands. He had really, really good hands.
“I am yours, Nate. And soon we’ll be a family. I know I may not be the one you would have chosen, but I hope you’re happy.” Georgia lowered her head, embarrassed at the vulnerable tone of her voice.
“Hey, look at me.” He lifted her chin with his finger. “I wouldn’t have seduced you that night if I wasn’t interested in you.”
“Seduced, huh? I think the four shots had something to do with it.”
“Please, that just loosened the stick up your ass…You were powerless against my charm, darlin’…Our hands may have been forced a bit, but I think we might have been destined.”
Georgia had been drunk that night, but not enough to not know what she was doing. It was just enough to erase her inhibitions. She wanted to forget about Brady and college for a few moments. Nate made her laugh, made her feel special. And when his hand slid beneath her underwear, she remembered thinking nothing had ever felt that good.
She shivered from the chill in the air and the memory. He lifted the sheet to cover her shoulders before pulling up his jeans.
“Destined…knocked up. Whatever you want to call it.” She smiled and winked. “You finished? I could cut glass over here.”
Nate looked down at her chest and grinned. “Why don’t we head home? You can cut me all you want.”
Georgia wiped a lone tear from her cheek. The ache was nothing new. Sorrow, her constant companion. She functioned—went to class, worked, hung out with her roommate and classmates on occasion. She thought what had been missing were the choices she thought were taken away, but now she had college, and medical school in her future, yet she felt more hollow than ever.
She lifted herself off the grass and took one more look at the lake. The setting sun made the water glitter, but the view did little to comfort her today. She brushed the dirt off the seat of her jeans and walked up the path towards the parking lot. Today, she didn’t stop at the line of cars. Today, she kept going. Up and up and up, until she was at the grassy peak that jutted out over the water below.
Maybe she would stay up here for a bit longer, because when it came down to it, she didn’t want to go back to her dorm and sleep… If she fell asleep then she would wake up here, of that she was now certain. And she just didn’t want to wake up anymore.
The white chalky rocks were jagged all the way down to the rock covered shore of the lake. She watched the water lap and recede, over and over. A cool breeze whipped her hair, making her shiver. Closer and closer she got to the edge, so close, dirt and loose rock crumbled and fell from beneath her shoes.
~Chapter Nineteen~
Georgia stirred. Groaning she turned over onto her side, not ready to wake. In fact, she was hoping she wasn’t going to wake up, that was the last thought that had gone through her head the day before. She couldn’t think about it, or she’d go crazy, her need to make sense of things long abandoned. She clenched her eyes closed, willing herself back to sleep. Where she didn’t hurt. Where she found some shred of peace, if there was any to be found.
She felt groggy today, her limbs heavy. She wasn’t sure where she was. Maybe she was dead. No, if she were dead she wouldn’t feel like she’d been hit my a truck. She didn’t remember drinking the night before, but this felt like one of the worst hangovers of all time.
She turned over and something soft brushed across her nose. Her eyes fluttered open, slowly adjusting to the dark, to find a mass of sweaty curls. She’d know that smell anywhere…lavender. Georgia gasped and shut her eyes once more, begging and praying that this was really happening. She would give anything, do anything, be anything, just please, please let this be real.
Georgia reached out her hand and felt soft fabric, then skin, a tiny elbow bone. She got the nerve to open her eyes once more and was met with a set of baby blues filled with tears. She gripped her little girl under the arms, pulling her onto her stomach.
“Momma, I had a bad dweam.”
The sound that left Georgia filled the room. It was the sound of exaltation, of pure joy. Her body shook with relief, and her relief became whole when she gripped a rough hand on the other side of the bed, warm and beloved.
“Me, too, baby…Me too.”
~Chapter Twenty~
She flipped the old man off as she drove by, her finger below the dashboard. Seeing him had stirred up bad memories, a nightmare, really. She was back in Clive and her only thought was that the bookstore had better be there, or she was going to lose her mind.
She needed answers, closure, a lobotomy, something.
She pulled beside the curb and parked. Her eyes were closed, too nervous to look.
“Okay, on the count of three…One, two, three.”
The red awning was there. She cried out in relief and crept out of the car. Once again she inched down the dusty alley, Georgia grabbed the handle and prayed it was unlocked.
“Please, please, please, open.” She hadn’t realized she pulled until she heard the chime. The girl was there behind the counter, smiling. Sitar music was softly playing in the background.
“Glad to see you again…Follow me. Gwen’s been expecting you.”
What was she going to say to this woman? It had only been a day in real time, but her experience lasted much, much longer. All the pain, all the tears. The hollow pit that was her life for what seemed months. It was all her fault—Gwen’s. But even as she planned her revenge, she wondered if she’d do it all over again.
The girl pulled back the curtain and held it aside for her. At first she couldn’t move, but then she forced her feet into timid motion. Then as she crossed into the back room, she froze once again—emotions slammed and twirled inside her chest.
Gwen chuckled. It was a rich, hearty sound, like honey dripping from its comb.
“You don’t know whether to hug me or kill me…That’s all right, dear, I get that a lot.” Gwen smiled and held out her hand. Georgia collapsed into her arms with a sob. Gwen knew the gravity of what she’d experienced. She needed someone to know, to really believe.
“Was it real?…or a dream… a psychotic break? Please explain it to me,” she begged, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Did it feel real?”
Georgia nodded with a sniffle.
“Well then, it was real.”
Gwen walked Georgia over to a sofa covered in golden velvet, an arm wrapped around her shoulders. It was a motherly gesture, and at that moment, it was what Georgia needed more than anything.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Gwen asked, as she rubbed her back in small rhythmic circles
“Yes. Yes, I think I did.”
Georgia tilted her head, letting a hollow laugh fall from her lips. “It turns out that what I was looking for was right in front of my face. Right in my grasp.” She squeezed her hands into a tight fist. “I already had it! Damn it, I already had it…I feel like such an idiot.”
“No, dear, no. It’s human nature to glance over the fence and wonder what if…Some people go through life without ever finding what they’re looking for, without ever knowing how lucky they are.” Gwen pulled Georgia’s fingers, still tucked into her palms, and placed her hands on top. They were soft and cold. “The fact that you’ve realized that at such a young age, it’s a blessing.
“So, was it a dream, or some kind of coma?”
“Neither…both. Maybe somewhere in between. The veil between dream walking and consciousness is gossamer thin, if you know how to tap into it.”
“The tea?”
Gwen nodded.
“I knew it had to be that damn tea,” Georgia said with a laugh. It was lighter. She felt lighter. “What the hell was in that tea bag?”
> “Oh, a little of this and a little of that.” She smiled coyly. Georgia realized she would never know.
“Was it God…or magic? I don’t believe in magic, well at least, not before.” Georgia whispered, looking off into the corner of the room.
“Divinity, magic, those are just words to define that which we do not understand. That which is beyond comprehension. We as humans need to define, put things in a nice digestible package. It makes us feel safe. But whatever you call it, it’s real.”
“Why me?”
“That is not for me to say. Those who need it, and have asked for it, those who truly seek answers…those are the ones who find their way to my door.”
“How did I finally wake up? I was petrified I was going to be stuck forever.”
“Not sure, dear. Everyone is different. What were you doing right before you finally awoke?”
Georgia thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. I can’t remember. I…Oh god…”
“What is it?”
Georgia’s eyes filled and her hands began to shake. “I went for a hike around the lake. I ended up on some cliffs that jutted out over the water. I…I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand one more minute without my babies. I thought I was stuck. I’d decided. God forgive me, I was thinking of jumping. I was so close to the edge that the rocks beneath my feet fell off the cliff. And then…” She cried into her hands, ashamed.
“Shhhh, shhhh. It’s all right. It’s all right. That was your catalyst. That was the moment you decided.”
Georgia wiped her eyes roughly and sniffed. “Yes. I remember thinking nothing mattered, medical school, career, nothing…without them. I wanted the life I had. I didn’t care about any of it.”
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