by Sloan Parker
“Gavin?”
Slowly, he looked back at me over his shoulder.
“Are you?” I asked.
His mouth turned up at the corners. “Yeah, I’m gay.”
A wave of relief overcame me. I felt dizzy, like a weight had been torn away from my chest in an instant. I hadn’t even realized I’d been worried about Gavin’s sexual orientation, but maybe I should’ve. There were plenty of guys hustling who’d never touch another man’s dick if they weren’t desperate for their next fix.
“Sean, I…” Gavin paused. “I don’t want you to…” He turned away again, and the silence stretched on.
“What?”
“You’ll get a job soon. Then you can apply for one of those low income apartments that social worker talked about.”
That was the plan.
“You’ll be done with this life.” Gavin had never doubted I’d find a way out of the trap so many of us got stuck in.
“We both will,” I said.
We had been determined to stay off drugs, to find our way to a better life.
Or maybe that last part was just me. I always got the feeling he never expected he’d live past twenty-five.
Gavin shook his head so long I wasn’t sure he’d stop. “I’m not as smart as you.”
“Fuck that. You’re smarter.”
He threw me a grateful look, then asked, “You ever notice how that social worker talks to you and ignores me? She knows you have what it takes. Not me.”
“Who cares what she thinks. You have what it takes too.”
He went back to examining the floor before his feet, his elbows on his knees.
I moved to sit beside him. “Gavin—”
He reached up and patted the top of my head. “Your hair’s sticking up all over.”
“It was wet when I fell asleep.” I really didn’t care. Not with the way he kept on smoothing my hair with his palm. His warm hand settled at the back of my neck, and I closed my eyes. “I can’t wait to cut it.” Although, with the way he’d stroked my hair like he’d never felt something so alluring, maybe cutting it off wasn’t such a good idea anymore.
“Don’t.” He brushed a lock from my forehead with the pad of his thumb. I trembled with that one touch. “I like it like this,” he added.
“I look like a girl.”
“Trust me”—he kept on running his fingers through the hair above my ear—“you don’t look like a girl.”
“But they always—”
“What?”
I squeezed my eyes shut again. Why did I keep talking about it? “They like grabbing on to it when I’m—”
Gavin dropped his hand and shot off the bed. “We got scissors, right?”
“Yeah,” I pointed to the dresser. “They’re in the top drawer.”
He got them and went into the bathroom for a comb, his body moving with the determination I’d found sexy since the first night he’d headed my way in that alley when I’d been about to make the biggest mistake of my life.
Or maybe it was what he was up to now that moved me.
He came back to stand by the bed. “Do you mind if I do it?”
“Not at all. Chop away.” I could barely wait another minute to have the curls gone.
Apparently, he couldn’t either. He laid a towel behind me on the bed and picked up the comb and scissors. “How short?”
“As short as you can but don’t make me look like a freak.”
He laughed. “Not possible.” He combed and snipped away.
I squirmed as loose strands tickled the top of my ears, and he laughed again.
“Sit still.” Then he grew serious as he worked in silence for a while. His next words were whispered more to the falling hair than to me. “I can’t stand that you’ve had to live like this.” He was very still, the comb clenched in one hand, the scissors in the other.
The room fell silent once again. I craned my neck to get a look at his face. I couldn’t read the expression. I reached for the hand with the scissors and held it in mine. “I feel the same about you.”
He gave a nod and went back to the haircut. A few snips later, he paused, a section of my hair between his fingers. “Did you tell your grandparents?”
It took me a second to get the shift in conversation. “That I’m gay?”
“Yeah.” Snip. Snip. He moved around to my other side.
“No. But I’m sure my mom did after I left.” I paused, picked at the bedspread beside me some more. “They were real religious. Like my parents. And they adored my mom. I wasn’t sure what they’d think, so I never said anything. They were quiet people, didn’t talk about much. Just went to church and worked in their garden.”
“And took you to the movies. Maybe they would’ve been okay about it.”
“I just…” I shrugged and shifted on my ass. “I couldn’t stand the thought of finding out they hated me too.”
He nodded. Snip. Snip. A curl fell onto my lap, and I resisted the urge to swipe it away like it had caught fire.
“Did you get along with anyone else?” he asked. “Friends at school?” He never asked so many questions. He never talked this much at all.
“I had a few friends, just not anyone that mattered. But I did have this one teacher I really liked. And her husband was cool. He was my boss at the grocery store.”
Gavin laughed. “You bagged groceries?”
“Yeah. Why’s that funny?”
“Just sounds like something you’d see on TV. Didn’t think people really did shit like that.” He tilted my head forward so he could get to the hair at the base of my neck. “I bet you were a nerd in school too.”
My mouth dropped open. “Was not!”
I was, but for some reason I didn’t want him seeing me that way. He was probably one of those kids who defied labels. Or at least was the kind of guy no one in school wanted to label for fear he’d beat the shit out of them.
He laughed again and stepped back. “All done. It’s kinda spiky, but it’s definitely short.”
I stood and went to the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t hold back the emotion. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the new me. My hair looked darker. And I looked older. A man. I shook my head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“I do.” He came up behind me and stood in the open doorway. “You’re so goddamn close to a normal life.”
I nodded and wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands.
“Sean…”
“Yeah?” I couldn’t stop scrubbing my face, like I could erase what I’d become if I just tried a little harder.
“I don’t want you turning tricks anymore. At all.”
I dropped my hands and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He wouldn’t look at me. “We have to eat.”
Gavin moved to sit on the bed, his back to the mirror. “I can take care of us.”
“What?” I spun around. “Why is that up to you? We said we’d stick together. No matter what. That means we’re in this together.”
Gavin hadn’t moved. The tension was back, his body held still like he was afraid of spooking a wild animal who’d run us both down if given a good enough incentive. Or maybe he was the animal and was afraid he’d scare himself. Or me.
When he spoke again his voice was tight, the words barely making it out past the restrained emotions he couldn’t hide from me. “I can’t stand it anymore. Can’t stand that you’re being used. Can’t stand the thought of someone else touching you, someone else’s cock in your mouth—” He shook his head. “If it was some guy you loved that’d be different, but like that…” He gave another shake.
Maybe the future I wanted with him wasn’t so far out of my reach. Maybe he’d been feeling everything I had since I’d met him.
“And you think I can stand it when it’s you?”
He turned my way, hope in his green eyes like I’d never seen before, and I knew…
He was feeling everything I was.
“Gavin…”
He said nothing, just searched my face like he wanted to find the answer to every fucked-up situation he’d ever been in, and every fear and doubt he’d ever had.
I went to him. I didn’t even think about my actions, just did what I’d always wanted to do, what felt right, like breathing. I straddled his lap, my knees settling on the bed on either side of him.
He looked away as he rested a hand on each of my thighs, the touch gentle and nervous at the same time.
“Gavin.”
When he didn’t move, I glanced in the direction of his gaze and found him watching me in the mirror through the open bathroom door.
I held his face in my hands and turned him to me. “Gavin, talk to me.”
“I…” He slowly ran his palms up my thighs, over my hips to my lower back. The pressure of those hands against my body increased, and he dragged me closer. My legs opened wider and I slid up his lap, our bodies coming together in a way we’d never done before.
I couldn’t stop watching those green eyes that were saying much more than I’d ever imagined I’d see from him. Much more than I’d dreamed, even.
He opened his mouth to speak, hesitated, licked his lips as he kept his focus on mine. Finally, he met my stare. “I love you, Sean.” He held on to me and flipped us around until my back was pressing into the mattress, his body molded to mine. “I fucking love you. Always have.” He ran a palm along my cheek and caressed my lower lip with the pad of his thumb. “Just once I want something real. Something beautiful with you.”
Was I still asleep, dreaming while he showered?
He cupped the back of my head and leaned down, then paused with our mouths an inch apart. “Tell me to stop.”
Right. I’d get right on that.
I wasn’t sure I could breathe much less say something utterly ridiculous like stop. No matter what I’d been picturing for the past year, I hadn’t hoped for anything even close to this moment, to hear those words from him.
He came the rest of the way and brushed his lips against mine. The soft kiss had a tender quality to it I’d never known possible, so different from the intimacy—or lack of—I’d had in my life.
He swept his lips over mine again. Then the kiss—and the moment—was about so much more as he opened his mouth and his tongue came out to caress my bottom lip. Instinctively, I followed suit. Our tongues met and the kiss deepened. We were wrapped up in each other, his scent and touch were all over me, all around me, like the air I breathed.
He rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him as he went. One hand at the back of my head, the other across my lower back, he kept me close as the kiss became more intense, more passionate. His every touch spoke of love and devotion even more than his words had.
Although, hadn’t his actions said those same things for a long time now? I hadn’t wanted to let in the hope that he felt for me the way I did for him, but now I couldn’t deny it any longer.
He kissed me again. And again. Nothing cold or rushed or detached.
Then I was on my back again, Gavin holding himself over me. He slid a hand under the front of my T-shirt, those warm fingers caressing their way up my abs and chest. He dropped his lips to my stomach and kissed along the same path, raising my shirt higher as he went.
“God,” he said. “I’ve waited so long to taste you, to touch you.”
His words and actions were my own thoughts come to life as he continued to explore my body, peeling off my shirt first, then my pants. Lastly, so very slowly, he gripped the top of my underwear. He stilled with the waistband in his hand. “Tell me to stop.”
“You better not.”
He smirked. “You want me?”
“You have no idea.”
“Yeah, I do.” He peeled my underwear over my hips, down my legs, planting kiss after kiss along my skin.
As soon as he had my underwear off, I grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him down to me.
He searched my face. I’d never seen him look so…scared was the only word that came to mind, and it occurred to me that maybe he’d been as unsure about my feelings for him—if they went beyond friendship—as I’d been about him. Maybe he’d been worried he’d read too much into the way I looked at him, as I feared I’d read too much into the way he trusted me and let me into his life like he’d done with no one else.
“Gavin, tell me you know I love you too.”
I caught the smile that hit his lips right before his mouth closed over mine.
The next kiss wasn’t slow or soft. It curled my toes and had my body, my every nerve ending, on fire and alive. Gavin sat up on his knees and pulled his T-shirt off. I followed him up and helped him with his jeans.
The touch of his naked body along mine as we settled on the bed again had me feeling like a virgin—like someone who’d never known such a beautiful, basic connection of two people.
He still smelled of the coconut soap. His warm fingertips caressed my skin everywhere, like he couldn’t get enough of me. I was so much more than a cock or an ass or a mouth to him.
I arched up into the touches. Everything was new and intoxicating, being touched by someone I cared about, someone who cared about me, someone who…loved me.
Gavin loved me.
His mouth found mine again. Our cocks came together, and I’d never been so relieved and excited to feel a man’s erection—to know he really did want me, that we could do this, that we weren’t broken beyond repair, that sex could be about love and desire.
He rocked his body against mine, the kisses as much a part of our connection as any other point along our bodies where we came together.
I didn’t want the moment to end.
Too bad my body was rushing toward release like I hadn’t reveled in this much in a long time. Hell, ever.
I spread my legs and tugged on him. “Gavin…”
He nodded and pulled back. “They in the dresser?”
“Yeah.”
He got off the bed and went for the drawer, advancing with that focused determination I loved, but this time, I got to see him move without any clothes blocking the way, the muscles of his ass and thighs flexing with each step.
I sat up on my elbows. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.”
He came back with lube and a condom. He tossed them on the bed and lowered his body to mine. “Gotta say, kid, you’re the one here who’s beautiful.”
He kissed me, and I opened myself up to him in every way.
It was slow and sweet and over too fast. When he came inside me, he had his hands clasped in mine on the bed, his gaze locked on my eyes, and I knew it was a beginning, not an ending.
* * * *
We made love twice that night. As corny as that sounded, I couldn’t call it anything else. Not even in my head.
It hadn’t been sex. Hadn’t been fucking.
Afterwards, when I had stopped shaking from the enormity of emotions running through me—along with the desire and release—we lay on our sides, his chest to my back, his long body curled protectively, tenderly around mine.
“You okay?” he asked as he leisurely ran his hand over the short hair above my ear.
“Oh God, yeah. Better than okay.” I hesitated before saying more. I never felt this insecure or unsure around him, but this moment could change everything for us.
Who was I kidding? It already had.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He sat up and tugged on me until I was on my back looking up at him. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” He searched my eyes. “Sean, I want to give you everything, and I’ve got nothing to give.”
“You have you. Us, this, what we just did, it’s all I’ve dreamed of this past year.”
He laughed. “You need bigger dreams.”
I reached between us and gripped his cock. “I don’t think so. Feels pretty big to me.”
He laughed with me, rolling us around until we were wrestling and tickling each other. The laughter felt good. Like I was free. Alive.
&n
bsp; He stopped us with me on top of him. “I’m serious, you can’t give up. You gotta do what that social worker says.”
“I will. I am.”
He gave a nod, shifted us around again. He kissed his way down my body, laid one kiss after another to my abs, tongued around my bellybutton, and the tips of his hair brushed my skin as he made his way along my flesh. He wasn’t trying to turn me on again. He was exploring. Loving.
What I’d been feeling for him was about much more than sex, but now that we’d crossed that line, now that we were here alone, just the two of us, I couldn’t deny what I wanted next. Him. Just him for the rest of my life.
No more strangers in public bathrooms or parked cars. No more floating away from myself just so I could live with who I’d become.
Gavin was watching me from where he’d stopped kissing my right hip. “What are you thinking?”
“I don’t want to go back.”
He slid up the bed and kissed me, a soft, slow caress of his lips across mine. “I know.”
I studied his face and the affection in those green eyes. The truth slammed into me. It was written all over him, in every touch between us.
He’d gotten this room so we could be together like this. That’s what he’d meant about wanting a memory that lasts.
He wanted this moment to hold on to when things got tough again, when the money ran out, when he was back to sucking some old guy’s cock. He really believed he was never going to find a real job, never going to get off the streets, never going to have a normal life.
Even if he couldn’t get work, did he think I wouldn’t take him with me?
Was he giving up before we’d even had a chance to get started?
I ran the tips of my fingers along his cheek. “Why don’t you believe in yourself the way you believe in me?”
“I just gotta be realistic about some things.” He let go of me and dropped to the bed. “I’ve tried. No one is giving a guy like me a job. And if they do, they’ll just end up firing my ass eventually. I don’t… I don’t take orders well.”
Which made sense after the foster dad he’d had.
Gavin’s cheek twitched with the clench of his jaw. “I won’t hold you back.”
“You could never do that.”
I sat up and tucked my legs under me, feeling young and inexperienced. I’d never had a boyfriend before, never been in love. I didn’t know what to say to him. Trusting me with how he felt was a huge step for him, and I didn’t want to let him down.