His lips move away from my mouth, wandering over my cheeks, my bare neck. His hands slide to my shoulders, pushing the top of my dress down so his mouth is free to move over my exposed shoulders, the top of my chest.
{Il Divo. Whole group. All four men singing at once.}
Body trembling under his lips.
My hands move up to the buttons on his shirt. Two buttons just beneath his collar. Undone.
His fingers find the back of my dress. The zipper.
Two more buttons. At his chest. Opened.
My zipper. Moving down.
My dress. Falling off. Completely off of my shoulders, to my waist.
His mouth, moving down. {Il Divo. Stronger. Determined.}
My hands make their way past his shirt. Onto his chest. Onto his skin.
Scorching skin.
My dress falls the rest of the way down, the fabric skimming over my waist, my hips, my legs. His hands move to my back, finding the hooks on my—
My hands keep going, undoing one button after the next until I push his shirt off of his shoulders, off of his—
Unhook. Unhook. Unhook.
My chest becomes lose. The top half of me, completely un—
He pulls me against him. Bare skin against bare skin.
{Il Divo. Voices swelli—}
My hands move down to his belt. Pulling and tugging and fumbling.
And…undone.
Button of his jeans. Undone.
Zipper.
He breathes in, chest moving against mine. Heart beating errati—
Zipper. Undone.
Jeans moving down. Down. Down.
He kicks his shoes off to the side and steps out of his jeans in one swift movement. His hands push down on my shoulders. Push me back and down so I am sitting. Sitting on a bed. His bed.
Soft comforter. Cool under my bare legs.
The sound of a drawer opening and closing. The tearing open of a—
I slip my feet out of my heels. Leaving my shoes and dress behind. I move myself back onto the bed, pulling back the comforter and sliding between the—
The at least three million count sheets and—
And he is slipping in beside me. Right beside me.
Pulling me closer to him. So close. Bare legs wrapped around bare legs. Bare chest to bare chest. Bare—
He is completely undressed now. Ready.
Ready. Ready. Ready.
My body clings to his, only the thin material of my—
His hands slide down me. Down my chest, my stomach. Down. Down. Down. Fingers moving over my pair of black—
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Fingers moving and moving and moving. {Singing and singing and singing.}
Moving and moving and {Voices swelling and swelling and swelling.}
{Building and building and—} Building and building and—
{All voices bursting and—} Tightening and tightening and moving and moving and—
Oh my God. Oh my God. OHMYGOD. OHMYGOD. OHMYGOD. OHMYGOD.
{Il Divo. Finishing their song.} Releasing and releasing and releasing.
Body needing to be closer to him. Needing to be even clo—
His fingers work to remove my black pair of—
{Four voices. Starting their song all over again. They—}
Nothing covering me anymore.
His hands all over the place.
My hands...everywhere too.
Mouths spreading kisses. Covering bare skin.
Hot skin. Skin on—
He pulls back a little, looking right at me now.
“Are you sure?”
{“Every Time I Look at You.” Building back up.}
“Yes.” Beyond sure.
He rolls himself up. Over me. On top of me. His legs between mine.
Hovering over me. His arms out, pressed down on both sides of my head. Holding himself up. Holding himself inches away from—
He looks at me.
Bodies paused. Aching to come to—
{Il Divo. Longing. Needing.}
His lips move down to meet mine. His body moves down to meet—
Bare body against bare body.
Him against me. Him against me. Him aga—
Him. In. Me.
OhmyGodohmyGodohmy—
My body lifts to meet his. Over and over and over and over and over and over and—
He moves faster. Closer. Harder.
Kissing my face, my neck, frantic—
{Il Divo swelling again. Harder. Faster.}
Faster. Closer. Harder. Faster. Closer. Harder. Fast—
Tightening and building and tightening and—
{And building and swelling and—}
And releasing. More releasing. And releasing.
Him still moving.
Pressing.
Harder and harder and faster and faster and—
Pressing down. Down. Down. DOWN. DOWN. DOWN.
He collapses on top of me. He buries his head in my hair. Breathing heavily. His body shaking.
We stay like that, together.
Catching our breath together.
Slowing out heartbeats together.
Being. Together.
{Then Billy Joel takes over, fades in with “To Make You Feel My Love.” Husky voice. Impassioned words.}
And we start all over again.
Chapter 20
antidepressant diaries
IT’S TIME TO START MY antidepressant diaries (which are kind of like The Princess Diaries, but without ball gowns, etiquette lessons, and high school drama).
Ugh. More homework. This diary. Just more homework. He is making me email him a journal entry every night before bed. He called these diary entries “reflections.” Ugh. Just another stupid way of saying that I’m “sharing my experiences.” DUMB WORDS. DUMB. DUMB. DUMB.
But...he’s forgiven me for the music secret thing. And he’s trying to accept this medicine thing. AND this journal thing is somehow helping him to feel like he is being more careful about the medication thing with me than he was with his mother.
SO…so I’ll do it. I’m doing it.
Here we go. Starting with Day Two…because he watched me, stayed with me during a lot of the day yesterday, only leaving me alone during routine times (at my emphatic insistence). He stayed with me. He made sure that I didn’t have any reactions to the medication. He went to church with me and came back to my house to watch television while I worked on homework. Then he spent the night with me.
So I’m starting with Day Two because he was with me for most of Day One.
He was with me. He was with me. He was with me.
CALLIE! Get to work!
And…writing.
DAY 2 (MONDAY)
Time medicine taken: 7:15 a.m. (with crackers).
Fifty calories of crackers. Fifty extra calories again today.
He says that I have to eat crackers with the medicine. But I can’t do this every day. I can’t be gaining all kinds of cracker weight.
Today the calories are probably okay since I’m trying to gain back the pounds I lost last week. But after I’m back to normal, these crackers aren’t going to work. Not going to fit into my diet.
Physical differences noticed today: None.
Um…except for the obvious physical difference that came about yesterday in the early morning hours. Not medication-related, though. Broken hymen.
Haha. I don’t think I’ll put that on my form. I’d love to see him read it if I did, though.
Mental differences noticed today: None.
Except I’ve been thinking about my hymen much more than usual. Thinking of the breaking thereof. AND thinking about process that caused said broken hymen—thinking about it constantly.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
This second? No. But in general, yes.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400 normal calories plus 50 cr
acker calories.
Plus I also secretly had dessert today (and yesterday during my night routine and on Halloween during Girls’ Night). I’ve almost gained back last week’s pounds. I’m almost there. I might be normal in the morning.
I’m not explaining this to him. He’ll think I’m crazy. No…crazier.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Stuffed Peppers.
I don’t know why he needs to know this. Maybe he thinks I’ll eventually write that I’ve stopped falling asleep to the cooking channel, thinks that I’ll eventually fall asleep to silence.
This question is especially stupid today. Because he was with me last night. He even commented on the stuffed peppers, saying that they sounded good, before we went to sleep. Well, before he went to sleep. I was up most of the night just resting in his arms. Thinking. Smiling.
What song is in your head right now? “Changes.” David Bowie.
Hmm…maybe this is just like the last question. Maybe he’s hoping that one day I’ll respond “N/A” to this question, that I’ll write that the music is all of a sudden gone. Or perhaps he wants me to answer this daily to make sure that the same song isn’t constantly in my head for days and days and days. I don’t know.
Okay.
One. Two. Three.
Send.
DAY 3 (TUESDAY)
Time medicine taken: 7:15 a.m. (with crackers).
Freaking crackers.
Physical differences noticed today: I didn’t sleep much at all last night.
For the second night in a row. But I’m not mentioning that first night, because, well, we were both not sleeping, otherwise engaged, for part of the night. And then I had a lot to think about after that. A lot of good things to think about. Not worrying things.
I really wasn’t up because of worrying last night, though, either. Just up.
Mental differences noticed today: Well, I had a bunch of extra thinking time due to being awake for most of the night and early morning. I ended up doing my night routine two extra times to keep busy.
Did you do your routines today? Yes. Plus, I did two extra night routines in the early hours of this morning (as I mentioned in my previous response).
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400 plus 50 calories.
Which blows. Especially since I was back to my normal weight again this morning. Now I’m going to mess it all up again.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? The first time I got into bed, beef stroganoff. The second time (after doing my night routine the second time), shrimp scampi. The third time (after doing my night routine the third time), pork chops.
What song is in your head right now? “Nights in White Satin.” The Moody Blues.
One. Two. Three. Send.
DAY 4 (WEDNESDAY)
Time medicine taken: 7:15 a.m. (crackers too).
Physical differences noticed today: Almost NO sleeping last night. Maybe two or three hours.
Mental differences noticed today: I spent a lot of extra time thinking about my bed today, wanting to be back in it and sleeping. But I’m not overly tired. Just really spaced-out.
Did you do your routines today? Yes. I also did two extra night (early morning) routines again.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400 and 50 calories.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? First time, different kinds of enchiladas. Second time, burritos. Third time, fajitas.
What song is in your head right now? “Tears on My Pillow.” Sha Na Na (it’s on the Grease soundtrack if you want to hear it).
{This song is somehow being played by a Mariachi band. But he doesn’t need to know that.}
One. Two. Three. Send.
DAY 5 (THURSDAY)
Time medicine taken: 7:15 a.m. With crackers.
Physical differences noticed today: SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
Mental differences noticed today: Incessant thinking about sleep.
I actually found myself daydreaming about sleep during class tonight.
Did you do your routines today? Yes. Plus two extra night routines again.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yep.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400 and 50 freaking calories.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400 and 50 calories.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? First time, chicken cacciatore. Second time, manicotti. Third time, barbeque ribs.
This is a lot to have to remember, Dr. Blake. Just saying. But not actually saying. Just thinking.
What song is in your head right now? “Let’s Go to Bed.” The Cure.
Haha. That song has been in my head on and off all day. For all of the wrong reasons. But if he takes it another way…as an invitation, well, that wouldn’t be so bad…
One. Two. Three. Send.
Really, I’ve seen him a few times over the last few days, but not overnight. Isn’t it—
A new email just appeared in my inbox.
DA Blake.
One. Two. Three. Open.
I’m coming over.
Perfect.
DAY 6 (FRIDAY)
Time medicine taken: 4:00 p.m. (with crackers) (Just so you know, I followed your instructions and didn’t have a margarita tonight. I’m not really sure where this goes on the form. Since I didn’t drink because of the medication, I’m putting it here. Seems to fit).
4:00 medicine time. Good idea, Dr. Spencer. This HAS to fix the sleeping thing. It HAS to.
Physical differences noticed today: Nothing yet. Crossing my fingers for tonight.
Mental differences noticed today: No real differences. Still thinking about sleep. Oh, after you called Dr. Spencer this morning, I became anxious about going in for my appointment with him today. But it wasn’t horrible, I guess. And maybe his timing idea will help me with the whole sleeping thing.
Thanks for going with me.
Pretty happy today. That might have something to do with my overnight guest. And overnight activities. I wasn’t really upset about not sleeping last night.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
No extra routines in middle of the night. Stayed in bed. In his arms.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? I am.
How many calories did you consume today? 1450 calories.
Which has to stop. HAS to stop.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Chicken parmesan.
But you were there—you already know that.
What song is in your head right now? “Happy Working Song.” Amy Adams. From the Enchanted soundtrack.
One. Two. Three. Send.
DAY 7 (SATURDAY)
Time medicine taken: 4:00 p.m. (from now on). Crackers too.
It worked. It worked. It worked!! Brilliant time change, Dr. Spencer. Just brilliant.
Physical differences noticed today: I SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!
Mental differences noticed today: I feel rested. I’ve not been solely focusing on sleep during every waking second today. Oh, I also feel forgiven…forgiven for a week’s worth of sins (I went to confession today).
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
I just finished my night routine, and it’s only 9:00 p.m.—had to do it early since I’m having an overnight guest…
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
Just put on a new coat of it.
How many calories did you consume today? 1450 calories.
Ugh. Now I am eating the extra cracker calories in the evenings. Giving my metabolism one more thing to deal with at night. Not smart.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Shepherd’s Pie.
What song is in your head right now? “Piano Man.” Billy Joel.
Wait. He’ll be here in a few minutes. I’ll just show this to him then.
DAY 8 (SUNDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m.
Physical differences noticed today: I’m more tired than usual, even though I slept all night. I had to take a nap before leaving for my family dinner.
Mental differences noticed today: I’m back to thinking about sleep.
I’m also worrying a little about Mandy. Josh wasn’t at dinner tonight. And Mandy says that this is what she wants. That it is time to move on. I just hope she means that and isn’t secretly heartbroken.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
How many calories did you consume today? 1450 calories.
This is a lie. I only had one thousand calories. I’m trying to make up for eight days of cracker eating. I’m not telling him, though. I doubt that he’d be pleased.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? I had a special repeat meal last night. Baked macaroni and cheese. Cooked out loud right beside me in bed.
What song is in your head right now? “The Blower’s Daughter.” Damien Rice.
One. Two. Three. Send.
DAY 9 (MONDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m.
Physical differences noticed today: I slept all night AND took a nap again, but I’m still very tired.
Mental differences noticed today: I’m still thinking a lot about sleep…but maybe this isn’t a difference? Maybe this is my new normal?
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
How many calories did you consume today? 1450 calories.
For real this time.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Some sort of fancy meatloaf.
Make it as fancy as you want—it’s still meatloaf. Still a loaf of meat. Still gross. And probably fattening.
What song is in your head right now? “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
Seriously, Damien is in my head again. But I’m not sending him that information. Two nights in a row? He’ll have me committed!
Forever Checking (Checked Series Book 3) Page 16