But he seems rather clean. I could’ve shaken his—
Callie.
An audience is in front of you. NOW.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I place my note cards on the podium as Dr. Lititz exits the stage. As he leaves me alone.
Alone with a bunch of people watching me. Clapping for me before I even start. Because they liked my story? Because I have OCD? Because they want to welcome me? Because they think their applause will make me less nervous about presenting? I don’t know.
My eyes recklessly look up from the podium and out into the audience.
{The Doors slide in with “People Are Strange.” Singing to all of these people. All of these strangers.}
I look around. Lots of people. I don’t know how many. I can’t see them all. Lots of professor-looking people. Lots of student-looking people. Young-looking students. Young faces. Undergraduate young faces. Like the faces I used to see twice a week in the writing center. Like that Brittany girl. I wonder what ever happened to—
My gaze lands on the front left row of the auditorium. Many familiar faces there. Mom and Dad. Mandy and Jacob. Jared and Holly. Melanie and Doug. No Alyssa, of course. She’s with a babysitter. Abby is with the babysitter too, even though she wanted to come. Her psychologist didn’t want her to come. She doesn’t think she’s ready to hear my whole story. She thinks Abby might adopt some of my worries or routines if she hears about them in detail. Pretty smart psychologist, I think.
Speaking of psychologists…
He’s here. Aiden’s here. Sitting beside Doug. In the aisle seat.
Smiling. Nodding. Mouthing, “You can do this.”
I smile back before continuing to scan the audience. Because it wouldn’t look very professional to just be staring at my husband. My husband, who says I can do this.
And I can do this. I can. It can’t be that different from teaching a class, which I’ve been doing here and there for years—which I’ll be doing all of the time starting next year.
But this is different. There are so many people, so many more people out ther—
The clapping stops.
Go, Callie.
Notes out. Smile painted on my face. Looking out into the audience. Trying to look natural.
“Thanks for coming here tonight. And thanks for reading my manuscript.”
My voice sounds surprisingly confident. Must have something to do with the faces in the front row to my left. The smiles. The nods.
I keep going, alternating looking out across the audience and consulting my note cards.
“This manuscript, this account of my experiences, my failures, my successes…my life, might seem like a road to recovery story. But I’m not sure that is the best name for it. Because I’m still on that road to recovery. I’m pretty sure I’ll always be on that road. My therapy and medication didn’t all of a sudden flip a switch, all of a sudden cure me. My obsessive-compulsive symptoms and tendencies are still a big part of my life.
“Even though, yes, my routines are shorter than they used to be, I still do them daily. They changed a little when I moved to my new house to accommodate new sinks, new air vents, etc., but they still happen every day. I’m pretty sure they always will. On top of that, I still count to three, I still have a constant stream of music in my head, and I still despise blood work. I still wash my hands quite a bit, and I’m still very likely to throw out a purse, a pair of shoes, or anything else that has become dirty. I’m also still terrified of catching a disease.
“When it comes to diseases, my OCD is ever-evolving. Every time a new flu or general virus is in the news, I can’t help adding it to my list of diseases to fear. So new fears, extreme fears, keep coming.
“I also have a new routine. Now that I’m a mother, checking on my son has become a routine in itself. Checking his room for fire hazards, checking his closet for murderers, checking to make sure that he is breathing—I do this routine many times every night. Every time I hear a noise, or think I’ve heard a noise over his baby monitor, I get out of bed, go to his room, and do this routine. It’s pretty exhausting.
“Also exhausting? Editing and proofing my dissertation. I can’t even tell you how many times I checked and rechecked that manuscript before submitting it. It was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.”
{Ludacris blasts in with “Act a Fool.”}
“Interestingly enough, the proofing of my dissertation almost drove me over the edge, but the writing of it actually helped me immensely.
“This PhD program in general has helped me with some of my obsessive-compulsive symptoms. I’ve been so busy studying, teaching classes, and writing that some things have had to be adjusted. I’ve had to make some changes to open up more of my time.
“Within the last couple of years, I managed to make a rather significant change to my routines. I’ve moved certain cleaning tasks out of my daily routines and instead into a new, special Saturday routine. Dusting, mopping, and heavy cleaning now take place on Saturdays. Initially, I didn’t move vacuuming to the Saturday routine, but when my son came along, I had to because my early morning vacuuming sessions were waking him up and interrupting my routine altogether.
“Other changes have also been necessary. Because of my son, my busy schedule, and, honestly, because my priest told me that he thought it would be okay, I’ve stopped going to confession every single Saturday. Also, believe it or not, in emergency situations when I’ve been on campus all day, I’ve had to very carefully and extremely selectively use public bathrooms—not without a great deal of cringing and a lot of nail picking, though.”
{Ludacris keeps rapping, driving around now.}
“But enough about my life now. You are here to learn about my life then. Then. Then, when I was at the height of my condition, the lowest point of my obsessive-compulsive disorder.
“I’ll take questions soon, but first I’m going to read a small excerpt from the beginning of my manuscript.”
I pause for a moment and switch my note cards, switch to the next portion of my presentation.
I give a quick look over to the front left row. Smiles and nods and encouraging faces.
His face. Aiden’s face. His eyes. Full of calm. Full of happy.
Full of love.
I blink a smile at him and look back out to the center of the audience.
Here goes.
“My story begins with some key people. A redheaded receptionist. A terribly busy doctor. And a quiet psychologist.”
{And you, Damien. Yes, you too.}
Snippets of Callie’s Head Radio
(only the songs mentioned by Callie)
1.)“It’s Now or Never” by Elvis Presley (Gold, Schroeder, di Capua/1960)
2.)“Take Me to Church” by Hozier (Hozier-Byrne/2013)
3.)“Father Figure” by George Michael (Michael/1988)
4.)“The Blower’s Daughter” by Damien Rice (Rice/2001)
5.)“O Holy Night” (Adam and Cappeau/1847)
6.)“So Emotional” by Whitney Houston (Steinberg and Kelly/1987)
7.)“Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley (Burton, Callaway, Reverberi, and Reverberi/2006)
8.)“Dream On” by Aerosmith (Tyler/1973)
9.)“Again” by Janet Jackson (Jackson, Harris III, and Lewis/1993)
10.)“All of Me” by John Legend (Gad and Stephens/2013)
11.)“One Headlight” by The Wallflowers (Dylan/1997)
12.)“Don’t Speak” by No Doubt (Stefani and Stefani/1996)
13.)“Sherry” by The Four Seasons (Gaudio/1962)
14.)Score of Edward Scissorhands (Elfman/1990)
15.)“Respect” by Aretha Franklin (Redding/1967)
16.)“The Canon and Gigue in D Major” by Johann Pachelbel (Pachelbel/1919)
17.)“The Victors” (Elbel/1898)
18.)“Hero” by Enrique Iglesias (Iglesias, Barry, and Taylor/2001)
19.)“Turn the Beat Around” by Gloria Estefan (Jackson and Jackson/1994)
20.)�
�Feel the Silence” by Goo Goo Dolls (Goo Goo Dolls/2006)
21.)“Here We Go” (Wood/1994)
22.)“The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles (McCartney/1970)
23.)“Spinning Wheel” by Blood, Sweat & Tears (Clayton-Thomas/1969)
24.)“Singles Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” by Beyoncé Knowles (Stewart, Nash, and Knowles/2008)
25.)“Stay with Me” by Sam Smith (Smith, Napier, Phillips, Petty, and Lynne/2014)
26.)“Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol (Lightbody, Connolly, Simpson, Wilson, and Quinn/2006)
27.)“Romeo and Juliet” (Tchaikovsky/1870)
28.)“Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran (Sheeran and Wadge/2014)
29.)“I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family (Romeo/1970)
30.)“I’m Not the Only One” by Sam Smith (Smith and Napier/2014)
31.)“You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban (Graham and Løvland/2004)
32.)“Easy” by Commodores (Richie/1977)
33.)The Jetsons theme song (Curtin/1962)
34.)“Dick in a Box” by The Lonely Island featuring Justin Timberlake (Samberg, Schaffer, Taccone, Taccone, Timberlake, and Barnes/2006)
35.)“Circle of Life” by Elton John (John and Rice/1994)
36.)“Over the Rainbow” by Judy Garland (Arlen and Harburg/1939)
37.)“Wide Awake” by Katy Perry (Perry, Gottwald, Martin, Walter, and McKee/2012)
38.)“Judy” by Elvis Presley (Redell/1961)
39.)“Basket Case” by Green Day (Armstrong and Green Day/1994)
40.)“Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift (Swift, Martin, and Shellback/2014)
41.)“Never Gonna Happen” by Lily Allen (Allen and Kurstin/2009)
42.)“Because I Love You (The Postman Song)” by Stevie B. (Brooks/1990)
43.)“Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus (Gottwald, McDonald, Moccio, Skarbek, and Walter/2013)
44.)“It Must Have Been Love” by Roxette (Gessle/1990)
45.)“Fly Like an Eagle” by Steve Miller Band (Miller/1976)
46.)“Yeah Right” by Dionne Bromfield featuring Diggy Simmons (White/2011)
47.)“How Could I Ever Know” by Rebecca Luker & Mandy Patinkin (Simon and Norman/1991)
48.)“Hey Jude” by The Beatles (Lennon-McCartney/1968)
49.)“Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera (Axel, Vaccarino, and Campbell/2013)
50.)“Prince of Denmark’s March (Trumpet Voluntary)” (Clarke/1700)
51.)“Pomp and Circumstance” March No. 1 (Elgar/1901)
52.)“Could’ve Been” by Tiffany (Blaisch/1988)
53.)“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd (Gilmour and Waters/1980)
54.)“Drift Away” by Uncle Kracker featuring Dobie Gray (Williams/2003)
55.)“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith (Warren/1998)
56.)“Holiday” by Madonna (Hudson and Stevens/1983)
57.)“Every Day Is Exactly the Same” by Nine Inch Nails (Reznor/2005)
58.)“Heartbeat Song” by Kelly Clarkson (Allan, DioGuardi, Evigan, and Mae/2015)
59.)“Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse (Wade/2000)
60.)“Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink featuring Nate Ruess (Pink, Bhasker, and Ruess/2013)
61.)“Alone” by Heart (Steinberg and Kelly/1987)
62.)“Solo (Alone)” by Il Divo (Steinberg and Kelly/2012)
63.)“Talk Dirty” by Jason Derulo featuring 2 Chainz (Derulo, 2 Chainz, Frederic, Evigan, Douglas, Kaplan, Muskat, and Yosef/2013)
64.)“Every Time I Look at You” by Il Divo (Reid and Hill/2004)
65.)“To Make You Feel My Love” by Billy Joel (Dylan/1997)
66.)“Changes” by David Bowie (Bowie/1972)
67.)“Nights in White Satin” by The Moody Blues (Hayward/1967)
68.)“Tears on My Pillow” by Sha Na Na (Bradford and Lewis/1978)
69.)“Let’s Go to Bed” by The Cure (Parry/1982)
70.)“Happy Working Song” by Amy Adams (Menken and Schwartz/2007)
71.)“Piano Man” by Billy Joel (Joel/1973)
72.)”Hurt” by Johnny Cash (Reznor/2002)
73.)“Do You Love Me?” by The Contours (Gordy, Jr./1962)
74.)“November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses (Rose/1992)
75.)“I’ll Be There for You” by The Rembrandts (Crane, Kauffman, Skloff, Willis, Sōlem, and Wilde/1995)
76.)“Wishin’ and Hopin’” by Ani DiFranco (Bacharach and David/1995)
77.)“It’s the Same Old Song” by Four Tops (Holland-Dozier-Holland/1965)
78.)“Bitch” by Meredith Brooks (Brooks and Peiken/1997)
79.)“The Lady in Red” by Chris de Burgh (de Burgh/1986)
80.)“The Monster” by Eminem featuring Rihanna (Mathers, Fryzel, Rexha, Kleinstub, Athanasiou, Fenty, and Bellion/2013)
81.)“Let It Go” by Idina Menzel (Anderson-Lopez and Lopez/2013)
82.)“As Time Goes By” by Dooley Wilson (Hupfeld/1942)
83.)“Somewhere” by Barbra Streisand (Bernstein and Sondheim/1985)
84.)“All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor (Trainor and Kadish/2014)
85.)“Summer Nights” by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John (Jacobs and Casey/1978)
86.)“Trumpets” by Jason Derulo (Desrouleaux and Bellion/2013)
87.)“Pump Up the Jam” by Technotronic (Kamosi and de Quincey/1989)
88.)“Golden Slumbers” by The Beatles (Lennon-McCartney/1969)
89.)“Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band with the Harlem Community Choir (Lennon and Ono/1971)
90.)“Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker, Jr. (Parker, Jr./1984)
91.)“Put It in Your Mouth” by Akinyele (Forte, Cutlass, Enuff, Pos, Butcher, and Elpee/1996)
92.)“You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive (Burns, Coy, Hussey, Lever, and Percy/1984)
93.)“Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake (Coverdale and Marsden/1982)
94.)“Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis (McCartney and Tedder/2007)
95.)“A Moment Like This” by Kelly Clarkson (Elofsson and Reid/2002)
96.)“Feels Like Home” by Chantal Kreviazuk (Newman/1995)
97.)“Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars (Mars, Lawrence, Levine, Walton, and Cain/2010)
98.)“People Are Strange” by The Doors (Morrison and Krieger/1967)
99.)“Act a Fool” by Ludacris (Bridges/2003)
The End.
Turn the page to read the Prologue and Chapter 1 of Drama Unsung (now available at Amazon).
Prologue
“I Dreamed a Dream”
Cosette. I’ve wanted to be her since the very first time I saw Les Misérables on Broadway. After the curtain closed that night, I got to work right away. I started to memorize her lines, sing her songs. I was only eight years old, but I had a plan. A hope. A dream.
Now, at eighteen, I’m in the dressing room getting ready for my opening night performance of Les Mis.
But I’m not Cosette.
And I wish I had known ten years ago—or at least during auditions a couple of months ago—that not getting to be her would lead me to my real dream come true...
Chapter 1
“Do You Hear the People Sing?”
It’s my turn. My callback. My only chance to be Cosette. Well, unless I’m somehow offered the role on Broadway someday...but really, like that will ever happen.
So this is it. And I can’t mess up. I know if I do—
“Alexa. Alexa? Do you want me to play the intro again?”
Great. I messed up.
“Oh...yes, please. I’m so sorry.”
Okay. Concentrate, Lexi.
My intro begins...again, apparently. A girl in the front row—the one with all of the shiny blonde hair—is whispering to the less shiny girl beside her. Her perfectly pink lips form the words “new girl.” The guy on the other side of her, the one who looks more like a football player than a member of Drama Club, whispers back. Then the girl snaps her golden hea
d around with a murderous look, saying—
Wait. My opening note. Gotta sing.
I begin the opening verse of “A Heart Full of Love,” singing words and notes I’ve sung at least a thousand times before. And it’s not bad. My voice is a tiny bit shaky from nerves, maybe, but otherwise, not bad.
Nonetheless, there are no more than a few polite claps of applause (from a guy in a bright purple shirt who is sitting in the second row) as I leave the stage and sit back in the auditorium with the other auditioners. Once I get back to my seat, no one really acknowledges me at all.
A tiny little girl, another blonde, from the second row is up next. Same song. She doesn’t miss her intro, though. And she’s not shaky. She’s really good. I don’t know how the director will even dec—
“Hey. Alexa, right?”
Tight jeans. Bright purple shirt with the word DIVA spelled across the chest. The guy from the second row who clapped for me.
“Um, yeah...uh, Lexi.” I give him a small smile.
“Eric,” he says, holding out his hand.
Even though I am a little surprised by his formality, I give him my hand. I don’t want to be rude. He is, after all, the only person who has thought to talk to me.
He doesn’t shake my hand. He flips it over and smacks a kiss right on top.
“Enchanté, Mademoiselle.” He speaks with an exaggerated, thick accent—much like the one Madame Yeux uses in French class.
I can’t help myself. “Enchanté, Monsieur.”
And we smile. Like we get each other. Like maybe I’ve actually found a friend after a few weeks of walking through the hallways of school by myself.
“Eric, you are up.” Mrs. Leonard calls him to go next, and my one and only prospect for a friend smiles, lets go of my hand, and bounces up to the stage.
The opening bars of “Master of the House” ring throughout the auditorium. He must be called back for Thénardier. Not surprising. He doesn’t exactly fit the mold for the romantic lead.
As the song starts, he looks right at me and winks. Then he pulls the microphone off of its stand and begins moving around as he sings. He saunters around, lost in the character...so lost that he even makes some rather vulgar dance movements.
Forever Checking (Checked Series Book 3) Page 22