by LUCY LAING
‘I imagine she will just be glad that she’s alive,’ said Nick, dryly. ‘It could have been so much worse.’
‘Do you want me to come back with you in the morning?’ he asked me, opening the driver’s door for me and helping me in.
‘It’s okay, I’ll be all right,’ I said. ‘If you could tell Maria that I’ll be late in. I probably won’t be allowed to see her for long.’
I rang the others when I got back in, and told them what had happened.
‘I always had a bad feeling about Hazel,’ said Rach. ‘She seemed like a loose cannon to me. Tash has had a lucky escape.’
I ran a hot bath and sank gratefully into it. The last few hours seemed such a blur. I hoped Tash was going to be all right. Nick had been amazing too. Whoever would have thought that he had such a soft side to him? I had been so glad he’d been there. I’d have gone to pieces without him.
Perhaps I’ll start speaking to him properly again now, I thought switching on the hot tap again and filling the bath even fuller. After all, I’d spent half the evening with my face buried in his jumper.
The next morning, I drove back to the hospital to see Tash. Rach had come with me, leaving baby Max with her mum.
It was the second time in only a few weeks that we had been through these hospital doors – first, with Rach and now Tash. My friends were dropping like flies. I hated hospitals – the thought of having any sort of operation terrified me. Going to the doctor for a check-up, was enough to send me into orbit.
‘Bee, are you okay? asked Rach. ‘You look a bit pale.’
‘I’m just hot,’ I said, fanning myself with my purse. That was another thing I hated about hospitals. They all were like tropical jungles – but without any trees – a claustrophobic, airless heat that almost left you gasping for breath.
‘Here we are,’ I said, swallowing down the anxious feeling that was beginning to stir in my stomach. I pushed open the door. Tash was sitting up in bed now, and she did look a bit better. Her face wasn’t the ghostly, white colour that it had been last night. She still had the huge bandage wrapped around her head, which had a rather gruesome-looking, blood stain on the front.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked her, pulling up two plastic chairs for me and Rach to sit on.
‘Like crap,’ said Tash, giving us a small smile. ‘I’ve got a banging headache.’
‘I told you that woman was bad news, and I’ve been proved right,’ fretted Rach. ‘Thank God it was only a pitchfork that she bashed you with. You could have been stabbed, if she’d had a knife.’
‘It doesn’t feel like just a pitchfork,’ said Tash, wincing as she touched her bandage gingerly. ‘More like I’ve been hit over the head with a sledge hammer. She took me completely by surprise.’
‘You did go down like a bunch of skittles,’ I agreed. ‘Are you going to press charges against her?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Tash. ‘I want to get better and get out of here before I think about anything like that.’
‘Have you heard anything from Rob?’ I asked.
‘I texted him this morning, but I haven’t heard anything back from him,’ said Tash. ‘I think it will have ended up serving her purpose. If he sees how desperate she is to get back with him and be a family again, that's probably what he’s doing right now.’
‘Surely he couldn’t do that?’ said Rach, shocked.
‘That’s what I’m expecting to happen,’ said Tash, reaching up and taking a sip of water from the glass by her bed. ‘If he knows what lengths she will go to get him back, I think that...’
The door opened and Tash was stopped in her tracks. Rob stood in the doorway. His face was anguished.
‘My poor Tash,’ he said, coming straight over to the bed. ‘I can’t believe that she did this to you.’
He sat on the edge of the bed and took Tash in his arms, cradling her bandaged head against his chest. She winced, and he let go.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said. ‘Did I hurt you?’
‘Well, I have had a pitchfork slammed against my head, ‘said Tash, ruefully. ‘So it’s probably best left well alone.’
‘I’ve rung Hazel and demanded to know what happened,’ said Rob. ‘She is sorry for what she did. She said that she saw red and couldn’t control herself – but that doesn’t excuse her terrible behaviour.’
‘I’m not going to press charges – I don’t want your daughters to be without their mum,’ said Tash, making a sudden decision, ‘and if you want to go back to her, then you must. I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a family.’
‘Tash, there is no way I’m going back with her,’ he said, quietly. ‘I let you go once and I’m never going to let you go again. My life is with you now, and Hazel has got to accept that.’
He took hold of her hands. She was smiling at him now. I was beginning to feel like a gooseberry, but there was no way I was moving now and missing any of this. It was like watching the end of a really good film.
‘In fact,’ Rob was saying. ‘I want to ask you something very important.’ I nearly stopped breathing at this point. ‘Will you marry me?’
Tash stared at him for a few seconds – then she laughed. ‘You’ll have to get divorced first, or else we will be committing bigamy – and I’ll have to get an injunction taken out on Hazel to stop her coming anywhere near me – I don’t want to end up in the morgue next time – but yes, yes, I will marry you.’
It was one of the most romantic things I’d ever seen – and it was the closest I’d ever been to a real live proposal. I jumped up and hugged Tash.
‘Congratulations,’ I said, and I could feel the tears starting to well up. Rach was already dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, and Rob and Tash were grinning at each other like a pair of Cheshire cats.
‘Do you think we’d better go now?’ Rach whispered, digging me in the ribs. ‘They might want to be left alone, now he’s just asked her to marry him.’
‘Okay,’ I reluctantly agreed. I wanted to stay and watch more as it was so exciting, but I had to agree with Rach. It was time for us to make an exit. We hugged Tash, and said we’d see her tomorrow. The hospital was going to let her out that night, but Rob was going to pick her up and drive her home from the hospital.
‘I feel all emotional,’ I admitted to Rach as we walked across the hospital car park. ‘We’ve got Soph getting married, and now Tash is engaged too. The club is starting to come good.’
When I got back into work, Nick was anxiously waiting for me.
‘How is she?’ he asked, as I walked through the door.
‘She’s a lot better and thankfully the doctor doesn’t think there will be any lasting damage,’ I said. ‘She’s got a massive bandage around her head and she looks like she’s done ten rounds with Frank Bruno – but the most exciting thing is that Rob has asked her to marry him and she’s said yes.’
‘That's great news, but isn’t he still married to his wife?’ asked Nick.
‘Yes, but they are going to get divorced, and when that comes through, he’s going to marry Tash,’ I said triumphantly. ‘I always knew this club could pull it off.’
‘Well, it’s certainly getting there,’ said Nick. ‘Two ‘Has-beens, Hags and Crones’ gone – just three left.’
I felt a pang. I had been so happy about Tash that I hadn’t stopped to think about the club. What if Tash and Soph didn’t want to be in the club anymore, once they were both happily married? If there was only me left, it would be like steering a lonely ship.
‘Of course, we will still be in the club,’ scoffed Tash, when I phoned her later. ‘Even though Soph and I have almost got our lives sorted out, we’re not going to dump the rest of you and leave you in the lurch. We won’t rest until we have got you three down the aisle as well –don’t you worry about that.’
I instantly felt better. ‘Have you heard anything about Hazel?’ I asked her.
‘She wrote me a letter,’ said Tash. ‘She said she is terribly sorry, and
that nothing like that would ever happen again and she even wished me and Rob the best. I think she’s worried that I’m going to press charges. I’m not going to, but I’m definitely going to get the injunction. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I’m not risking my life again.’
***
Kaz gasped out loud when we all arrived at the restaurant for the meeting, two days later. She hadn’t seen Tash, because she’d had to take 30 kids on a hellish school trip for a week.
The bandage was now gone, but Tash’s head was partly shaved with a dozen black stitches. It was still swollen. Tash was wearing her favourite black beanie hat as she didn’t want people staring at her, but she took it off to show us. I had to admit, it looked horrific.
‘How long have you got to have the stitches in for?’ asked Soph.
‘Another week at least,’ said Tash, cheerfully. ‘They don’t want to risk it opening up and my brain exploding everywhere.’ Soph turned a bit green.
‘Her brain won’t explode,’ I reassured Soph, ‘but it may open and start bleeding. Tash, put your hat back on,’ I instructed her.
‘I feel like my head is about to explode too,’ groaned Kaz, massaging her temples. ‘Remind me never to go on a school trip ever again.’
‘Was it horrendous?’ I asked, sympathetically. Kaz nodded, still massaging her temples.
‘We went to some activity centre in the middle of Wales and I had to spent the entire week making sure the kids didn’t drown in the lake, fall on their heads rock climbing, or tumble down any crevice, whilst we were orienteering. Mind you, towards the end of the week, I was actually looking for big holes to push them into. It would have been worth getting the sack for. I had to have eyes in the back, side and top of my head 24/7. It was pretty stressful.’
‘Oh, good – at least I know who to call on for future babysitting duties, then,’ said Rach, with a smile. ‘You’re the only one who will have had plenty of practice.’ Kaz shot her an icy look.
‘Anyway,’ interrupted Tash, looking at me. ‘How's the plan coming on to wreak revenge on Nick?’
I grinned. It was coming on nicely. I fished in my bag and pulled out the official-looking letter that I’d made on the computer, inviting Nick down, as one of the finalists, to the photography competition.
‘Don’t you feel a bit guilty about it, now?’ asked Rach.
‘No way,’ I said, firmly. ‘We might be back on speaking terms now, and he was great that night at the hospital, but all’s fair in love and war after all. He played a trick on me, and now I’m playing one back. What could be fairer than that?’
‘Are you going to send the invitation in the post?’ asked Soph, grinning. ‘Otherwise, he won’t believe it.’
‘Don’t worry – I’ve got it planned to perfection,’ I told her. ‘My mum is going to London to see a friend tomorrow, so she’s going to post it from there, so it has a genuine postmark.’
’Let’s have a look,’ said Tash, grabbing the invitation from me. ‘It says here that the award ceremony is going to be held in London Zoo. How are you going to wangle that one?’
‘Easy,’ I said. ‘It would be the perfect setting for the wildlife award. I’ve already sent for some entrance tickets, so I’ll put one in the envelope, so Nick won’t even have to ask on the door about the competition. He will walk straight in and go to the front of the ape house, where the winner is going to be announced.’
‘I hope he doesn’t ring up the competition organizers for any reason before the event, or else this could all be blown out of the water,’ said Soph.
‘Oh, he won’t do that,’ I said, confidently. ‘He will swagger into the zoo, and there won’t be any such photography competition – and we will be there to meet him outside the ape house – instead of David Attenborough.’
‘It is a great idea,’ said Tash, enviously, ‘better than any idea that I’ve cooked up in the past.’
‘It just takes a bit of careful thought,’ I said, tapping the side of my head with a pencil, ‘and a few brains. Owww!’ I shouted, as Tash lobbed a bread roll at me across the table.
I was still congratulating myself on the sheer genius of my plan the next morning, when I was reading through the minutes.
PROGRESS REPORTS.
* Soph’s hen night. There was much deliberation about this, but it has now been decided that we will go to Blackpool. Soph had agreed with Rach that Blackpool sounded like a fun night – although thankfully she did draw the line at the nipple tassels. We had all gaped at her. Soph, whom we’d never imagined setting foot outside Cheshire, wanted to go and sample the tacky sights of Blackpool. ‘I want to do something different and wild,’ she had said. ‘I’ve never been to Blackpool and I think it’ll be a fun night.’ (I’d said dryly that they sold things like hats with huge penises on the top in Blackpool, and if Soph wanted to spend her hen night wearing a blow-up penis on her head in some tacky club, then to go ahead. I secretly quite fancied Blackpool. Not for the huge penis hats, but for the seaside fortune-tellers that I’d always wanted to visit. I’m sure a Madame Zelda on Blackpool pier might see something a bit more exciting in my future than being maimed by a swarm of bees, or swinging from the trees with my family of chimps.)
* Kaz reported that her hairdresser’s daughter was definitely up for coming on the hen night with us. Soph asked if the hairdresser’s daughter knew about the ‘Unattractive Friend’ theory, as she might be suspicious about suddenly being invited on a night out with us all, when she didn’t even know our names. Kaz said she hadn’t told her, as she didn’t want her to back out.
* Tash reported that she had applied to the courts for an injunction against Mrs Beale. ‘I saw someone that looked like her in the coffee shop, when I was about to go in and pick up a cappuccino yesterday, and I nearly ran a mile,’ she said. Rach suggested that Tash wear her latex mask whenever she went out, then Mrs Beale wouldn’t be able to recognize her. Tash replied that she didn’t want to spend her life hiding behind latex. ‘My face is too good to be covered up,’ she had said snootily.
* Soph showed us a picture of her wedding dress on her mobile phone. We all gasped when we saw it, it was beautiful. I hoped this wedding would go ahead – I didn’t want my poor mum to have to buy yet another of Soph’s unused wedding dresses from the charity shop.
* Rach announced that she is setting up a website to work from home during her maternity leave, called www.voodoo-doll.org.uk. She was so pleased with her handiwork, making the voodoo doll of poor, wonky-eyed Caroline that she was sure she could sell them to other women who were desperate to get rid of their female rivals. (I had my doubts about that, and asked Rach if she could be done as an accessory to murder, if one actually worked. Pregnancy and sleep deprivation has definitely left Rach a little strange in the head.)
**************************************
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Kaz looked glum, when I met her for a coffee after work. It was a miserable, rainy evening, and her long face did nothing to cheer me up.
‘What’s up with you?’ I asked, as I sipped gratefully at my scalding coffee. ‘You look like a wet weekend.’
‘I’ve decided that I’ve got to end it with Adam tonight. I’ve known from the beginning that it isn’t going to work. Yet I keep hanging on, hoping that he’s going to win the lottery,’ said Kaz, miserably.
‘But money isn’t everything,’ I told her. ‘You and Adam are perfect for each other. You make a great couple.’
‘He ticks all the right boxes – all except one,’ said Kaz gloomily. ‘Unfortunately, it’s the biggest one. I’ve kept putting it off, because I don’t want to hurt him. We get on like a house on fire, and yes, we have great sex – but he drove me past his mum’s house yesterday, and I couldn’t live like that again.
‘But Kaz, think about it, please,’ I begged. I didn’t want her to throw away a perfectly good relationship because she had the most massive hang-up in the entire world when it came to money. The rest of us
could see that Adam was perfect for her, why couldn’t she?
‘I’ve made up my mind,’ she said firmly. ‘He is picking me up to go to the cinema tonight and I’ll tell him it’s over after that. It’s final, Bee, don’t look at me like that.’
I didn’t know what else to say. Kaz was as stubborn as a mule when she wanted to be.
The next morning, I was so wrapped up in Kaz’s predicament that I had completely forgotten about the trick I’d played on Nick. Each morning, I’d waited anxiously for the post to arrive at work to see if the competition invitation was there.
Two days ago he’d been opening a cream-coloured envelope, like the one I’d sent him. He caught me staring, so I had to pretend that I’d seen a fly on his collar and leapt up to swat it. Now I was gazing at my blank phone screen, willing it to ring. Kaz had said she would let me know how it had gone with Adam, but the phone was staying stubbornly silent. I wondered whether she had gone through with it. What had she said to him? Surely she couldn’t have told him her real reason, that he didn’t have enough money.
I jumped out of my skin, as a whoop came from behind me.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Nick was waving a piece of paper in my face.
‘What?’ I said. I couldn’t have acted it better if I’d tried.
‘I’ve been short-listed for the Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition,’ said Nick, shaking his head in wonder.
It dawned on me. My invitation had finally arrived. Nick was looking at the letter as though he had been handed the Crown Jewels. I felt a tiny pang of guilt, but I quickly squashed it. Nick hadn’t felt guilty when he was typing all those emails to me, pretending to be Jen.