by Kyra Lennon
I was the first onto the bus, and I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to my “room”, closing the curtain and flicking on the light.
I let out a sigh as I stretched out my legs then reached up to the shelf above me for my iPad, headphones, journal and a pen. Once I’d found some mellow music to listen to – goodness knows I needed it – I opened my journal.
I don’t even know how to explain what I feel right now. Remember yesterday when I was so excited because Ellie was coming? Because I thought we’d have fun together and enjoy being on a mini holiday? Well, it sort of happened. Some of the day was good. But now it’s tainted.
Here’s the problem. I’m nineteen. Legally an adult. But still a teenager. That puts me in the crappiest place because I’m not a kid, but I’m not exactly a grown-up either. I’m a semi-adult. Almost ready for people to take me seriously, but not quite there.
I think I’ve handled my feelings for Jason better than most girls would. I haven’t giggled or swooned around him. I haven’t stared at him longingly. Okay, that’s a lie, but he’s easy on the eyes, and I’m not blind. My point is, I haven’t followed him around like a puppy dog and sucked up to him just to get his attention. All I’ve done is be myself. And now Ellie thinks he’s into me. I think. Isn’t that what she was saying? Or at least that he doesn’t see me as her annoying little sister now.
I should be dancing at the thought, right? But I can’t. Because I know she’s right. I know the problems associated with being with Jason. That’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset because she made them real. I was perfectly happy in my little fantasy world – and it wasn’t even a fantasy world that revolved around me being with Jason. The fantasy was… I don’t know… the possibility, maybe?
I know I’m not making much sense, but this is my journal, so I will be as ineloquent as I want here. It’s back in the real world where I have to keep my shit together.
And I think that’s about to get a lot more difficult.
I flipped the journal shut and placed it back up on the shelf before laying back, my head thudding against my pillow. My music drowned out the sounds of everyone else on the bus, and I closed my eyes, letting the melodies carry me away.
Chapter 8 – All The Time In The World
In an hour, my anger had dissipated but I was still restless. Too restless to sleep. I turned off my music and listened for sounds of life on the bus. Nothing. Good.
I drew back the curtain surrounding my bunk and hopped out, pausing again to listen. When I was greeted by silence, I slipped my shoes on and headed out of the bus for some fresh air. The club where the band had played a few hours earlier was still alive with music and people, but since the bus was tucked away and everyone was mostly inside, I wasn’t noticed as I leaned back against the bus and sighed.
What. A Day.
Around four hours ago, I was on top of the world. My sister got engaged to the man she loved, and I was about to spend a few days with her before heading to America. America!
Except she’d done the one thing she said she wouldn’t do. She’d gone all “big sister” on me and ruined everything. And for what? For something she hadn’t seen and knew nothing about. Yeah, she knew Jason but she didn’t have any idea of the things that had happened on the tour – not that it amounted to much, but she’d killed my buzz with her concerns. Did she really think I had no worries at all? Did she really think I hadn’t thought constantly about the problems?
I felt Jason’s presence before he spoke. I’d only heard footsteps but I knew it was him. The tiny hairs prickling on my arms from his nearness told me so.
“Hey, Jason.” I didn’t look up.
“You’re good.” He gave a small laugh as he leaned against the bus beside me. “What are you doing out here?”
“Getting some air. Thinking. You?”
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I was still up and I saw you come outside, but I can leave if you want me to.”
“You can stay. If you want to.”
I still hadn’t looked at him and I wasn’t sure why. Was it because I was trying not to feel anything, even though my heart was hammering and my palms had grown slick? That I was scared of what he might say? Or that I was afraid Ellie had had words with him too and he’d gone back to seeing me as a little girl again?
Tears pricked at my eyelids and I quickly blinked them away before Jason could see them. Why did that happen? What was I even crying over?
“What happened tonight, Luce? Why did you stop talking and go straight to your bunk after dinner?”
“You don’t know?”
“I can guess. But I’d like to know for sure before I go and tear off some heads.”
His calm tone didn’t match the aggression of his words, and I laughed softly. “You know Ellie and Drew. Always trying to help. Always worrying.”
“What did they say?”
“They were talking. About you and me. I overheard them. And then I got pissed off because they were talking about me and not to me. I just wanted to get away from everyone.”
“Ah.”
Ah? That was all I was getting? I couldn’t read anything from that.
“Have they really not talked to you about this?”
Jason sighed. “I got ‘the talk’ from Drew before we left, but you know this. I mentioned it in Paris, remember?”
“You said Drew didn’t trust you but I didn’t know there had been an actual conversation.”
Jason straightened and I looked up as he moved to stand in front of me. He rubbed his hand across his forehead, as if he didn’t want to say whatever it was he was about to say, and I slipped out of the small gap between us and turned my back on him because I wanted to hear it even less than he wanted to say it. Not that it mattered. The regret heavy in his eyes had scorched itself into my mind, and there was no escaping the tension in the air around us.
“Luce, will you please turn around?”
While my head screamed, “No!” I knew I had to. I had to face this. Had to face him. I slowly turned towards him and swallowed hard, preparing myself. God dammit, he was so bloody… perfect. The chiselled jaw, the jet black hair, the thin, almost mean-looking lips, and those green eyes.
“Before we left home, Drew told me something. He-”
“Don’t,” I interrupted, dropping my eyes from his. “I can figure out what he said. You probably already knew anyway.”
“I didn’t. And I was surprised. Drew told me to stay away from you, which at the time, I thought was fucking stupid. You’re Lucy. The girl who happened to grow up in the house beside mine. Someone I always have fun with, but not someone I would make a move on.”
Why the hell did he think this conversation was necessary? I knew this. I reminded myself every damn day where I fit into his life, so if he knew how I felt, why would he bring it up when he knew it would be painful? So much more so now because I’d started to let my guard slip instead of keeping myself protected.
“When Drew warned me off you, I thought it was pretty funny. But right now, after this week, and especially after last night… it’s not so funny anymore.” I risked glancing up at him. His eyes were on me, a little darker than usual, and his jaw clenched. “I didn’t expect this, Lucy. You’ve always meant a lot to me, but now I see you. The you you are now. This beautiful, sweet, fun woman. And I’m finding it really hard to keep my promise to Drew.”
Hope sprang up inside me at his words. He saw me. Me. Little Lucy was gone, and now I was someone else. Someone he wanted to… be with?
Swallowing hard again to moisten my dry throat, I said, “Do you have to keep the promise?”
He laughed softly. “You know how I feel about people telling me what I can and can’t do. But it’s not that simple. Not with you.”
The little ray of hope flickered inside me, and I clung onto it, hoping he wouldn’t snuff it out. Not without giving it a chance.
“Why not?” I whispered.
“Because…” He took a c
ouple of steps towards me. “You’re not just some girl I’ve met. I know you. I’ve known you your whole life, Lucy. And Drew and Ellie are right. I can’t have feelings for you. We can’t have feelings for each other because I will end up hurting you. Even if I try my hardest not to, it’s what I do. I hurt everyone and I’m trying so hard to be better. To not act on every single instinct I have because that is what gets me into trouble. You deserve better than that.”
He did it. He snuffed it out, and my heart began the slow descent to my stomach.
“That’s an incredible cop out, Jason. I deserve better than that bullshit explanation. People who tell someone that they deserve better are just politely saying they’re not interested. I prefer honesty.”
I started to walk past him, but he caught my arm. “Did you even listen to what I said? This isn’t about me not wanting you, Lucy. It’s about me doing what’s right. And trying to make something happen with you is not right.”
“Why? Who says?”
“Everyone. And they’re right. I’m ten years older than you, and I’m a cocaine addict. You’re nineteen years old, and you don’t need that kind of shit.”
I shook my head, my eyes prickling with tears again. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you see you’re pulling the same crap on me that Drew and Ellie pulled on you? Telling me what I can and can’t do, or what I do or don’t need?”
“I’m just trying to make you understand. The age gap-”
“An age gap makes no difference to you when other nineteen-year-olds throw themselves at you!” I snapped. “I see them with you, and I’ve seen you taking advantage of your rock star status to kiss them, and probably more! Why is it so different with me?”
“You know why. We’ve talked about this. It’s because you’re not like them. You’re not a girl in a club trying to hook up with me. You mean more than that.”
“That’s fucked up. That you’d rather have a meaningless hook up.”
“I’m fucked up, Lucy! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! That’s why I have to stay away from you.”
“And the fact that I don’t care about that? I meant what I said last night, Jason. I care about you and nothing is going to change that.”
We stared at each other for a moment longer, but when his eyes dimmed, I knew the conversation was over. I couldn’t persuade him to consider me and him, and I couldn’t even enjoy him telling me I meant something to him because he wasn’t prepared to try. I pulled away from his grip and started towards the steps to the bus, my heart cracking inside my chest.
“Lucy.”
My brain told me to keep moving but my feet stopped. I didn’t turn though. I waited. Listened as his footsteps came closer. Stiffened as his arms slid around me from behind and pulled me close to him, his chin resting on the top of my head. I felt his indecision so much I could almost touch it, and I hated how I couldn’t make life easier for him by just walking away. I couldn’t walk away from something I wanted so much.
“I promised them, Lucy.”
“Me too, Jase. I promised them I wouldn’t let myself get too attached to you, but here we are.”
God, being in his arms felt good. In a this-is-totally-messed-up kind of way. In spite of my protests, I understood what he was saying. I even understood why it was easier for him to do random one-nighters than get involved with someone he actually cared for. He’d been told he was a screw up for a lot of his life – why risk adding one more person to the mix who might one day end up doing the same? Even I knew I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t be that person. The only thing I could offer him was someone who wanted to fall in love with him. Real love. Not the “he’s really hot and I’d like to jump his bones” kind. I wanted to know everything about him and experience it with him, the way we’d experienced the Eiffel Tower together.
“What are we going to do?” he asked.
“You’re giving me a choice?”
“Yes. Tell me what you think we should do.”
As he said those words, I turned around in his arms, knowing he trusted me to make the right decision. That if I said we should try, then it was because I truly thought we could make it, and if I said we should stop whatever this thing was, it was because I knew he was right, that the obstacles were too big to overcome.
I shouldn’t have turned around. Because how could there be any other option when I looked at the man I’d wanted in ways I’d never wanted anyone before?
“This isn’t just my decision. What do you want, Jase?”
“Right now?” He closed his eyes for a second and blew out a breath. “Right now I want to kiss the woman in my arms because I think she is just about the most amazing, fearless woman in the world.”
I laughed gently. “I’m not fearless. I’m surprised you can’t feel me shaking.”
My hands, hell, my whole body trembled because I was so close. So close.
“I feel it. But you’re not shaking because you’re scared of me. You’re shaking because you want this. And that blows my mind.”
“Why?”
“Because you get me, and you know what you’re getting into, and you’re not running away screaming.”
It was then I noticed he was shaking too, and I’d never seen that before. Not in this context. I’d seen him with women before, but not this way. Not laying himself open for them, and holding them like they were so precious he couldn’t let them go.
The way I’d wanted him to look at me.
“Jase,” I whispered. “I’m not asking you for forever. I’m not asking you to make a lifelong commitment. I’m just asking you to give this a try if it’s what you want.”
In response, Jason placed a hand on the back of my neck and slowly pressed his lips to mine.
Magic. Actual magic happened the moment his mouth touched mine. It tingled through my skin and into my bloodstream, pumping joy around my body and filling my heart with the kind of happiness I couldn’t have even imagined. The stubble on his chin rubbed against my skin and the stirring sensation in my stomach moved lower, startling me.
How could one kiss do that to me? It made me want to make sounds I’d only ever heard in movies and I, embarrassingly, pressed my hips into his. Except I wasn’t entirely embarrassed – more surprised at how fast those feelings had erupted inside me.
When our lips parted, Jason rested his forehead against mine. “Let’s just take this slowly, okay?”
I nodded. “I think slow is all I can handle.” My breath sounded funny, and I let out an awkward and uncharacteristic girly giggle that made Jason laugh.
“There’s no rush, Luce. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
Chapter 9 - Lockdown
“What in the actual fuck?” Ellie shrieked, shoving her iPad in my face as my eyelids fluttered open.
“What?” I mumbled. “Go away.”
I tried to pull my duvet over my head but she tugged it away from me and thrust her iPad towards me again. I blinked a few times, trying to work out where I was, what time it was, and why my sister was flipping out.
Prague. We had to be in Prague by now. There was daylight outside, so it was maybe… Hell, I had no idea.
I turned onto my side and as my eyes focused on her iPad screen, I let out a shriek of my own.
This cannot be happening again.
But it was. Just like the year before when the papers had gone batshit over Drew and Jason’s feud, and Ellie had gotten dragged in the middle of it, this time it was my turn to make the news.
Jason and I hadn’t been as alone as I’d thought the night before, and our kiss was now a headline story on one of the leading entertainment websites.
Oh, wow. I’d been so rudely awoken I hadn’t had time to revel in the fact that Jason and I were officially… something. An item. Albeit a very new and slightly tentative one. That fluttery sensation I’d felt when he kissed me returned at the memory and I had to fight a smile, because although there was plenty to smile about, having it appear in the news was not goo
d at all.
“Yeah,” I began. “Ellie, I have something to tell you.”
Her eyebrows shot upwards. “Lucy, this isn’t funny!”
“Do I look like I’m laughing?” I shoved the duvet away from me, and hopped out of my bunk.
“What the hell did you do?”
I pointed at the screen; did I really need to say it out loud?
Ellie blew out a breath. “Okay, we need to fix this immediately because as soon as Mum and Dad see this, they’re going to call and you need something to tell them. In fact, the faster we sort this, the faster you can call them before they read it in the paper.”
She looked frantic, her hair in disarray. I saw it was only nine am, which meant it was only eight in the UK. Hopefully my parents hadn’t checked the news just yet.
“Wait,” I said. “What do you mean ‘fix this’?”
“Damage control. We need to call Derek and get this crap resolved before it gets out of hand.”
Crap? Me kissing Jason was crap?
“Ellie, stop talking. I need to think, okay? And I need to talk to Jason.”
“You need to stay away from Jason or Mum and Dad will have your ass flown home!”
“I’m not a child! I can make decisions for myself, and right now, I need five minutes to myself.”
I pushed past her to the communal area which was, thankfully, empty. I was surprised Ellie’s yelps hadn’t dragged everyone from their bunks, though if they knew what was smart, they’d stay where they were and listen from a distance. This was about to get messy.
I didn’t need to read the news story Ellie had tried to show me. I knew what it said because I knew how tabloids worked. Two people kissing. A rock star, and his brother’s girlfriend’s baby sister. Brother’s fiancee. Shit. Me kissing Jason had made higher ranking news than Drew’s proposal, which was pretty messed up. This wasn’t just a story about a stranger. I was known to the Razes Hell world because of photos on social media. They knew who I was. How old I was. How I was a family friend of the Brooks’. This was a shit storm we didn’t need, and we should have known so much better than to figure out our personal lives in the open air, but as far as we knew, we were alone. More alone than we’d have been with prying eyes and ears inside the bus – or so we’d thought.