by Siera Maley
“Oh? Where?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “San Andreas or something?”
“I, uh… I’m not from California, so maybe you know better, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t actually a place people go. Like, it might even actually just be fictional. From Grand Theft Auto.” She looked like she was trying not to laugh.
“Well, whatever. San something. I think. It started with an ‘S’. San Diego? Maybe Sacramento? I wasn’t paying attention when he mentioned it. It was while we were texting yesterday morning about your shopping trip with your mom.”
“Ha! That’s awkward. He didn’t see the bikini pics I sent, did he?”
“If he had, you would not be in here right now.”
“Maybe. He’s been letting you off the leash lately. I think my parents have been a good influence on him,” she joked. “He doesn’t look horrified when he sees us heading upstairs together anymore, at least.” She finished up with the last of my toenails and put the nail polish away. I wiggled my toes and made a move to stand, but she made a noise of displeasure and pressed a hand to my chest to keep me on the bed.
“They’re not dry enough.” She moved to sit next to me and carefully took my hand into hers, admiring my nails as she intertwined our fingers. Before she’d done my nails, she’d painted her own a deep purple color. “You have stubby thumbs,” she remarked. “They’re cute.”
“Your pinkies are crooked,” I said. She waited for me to say more, and when I didn’t, she laughed and bumped my shoulder with her own.
“Bitch! At least I was nice!”
“Well, they are.”
* * *
Chloe went into the smoky maze before I did, laser gun in her hand and lights flashing from her vest.
“You have twenty minutes, beginning now,” said the young, pimply teenager working the laser tag shift today, and I accepted a gun from him and ducked into the maze, my own vest flashing for a moment before it went dark.
I crouched as I made my way through the maze, squinting through the fog all the while for signs of movement. I could remember my first time in the maze with Chloe like it was yesterday, and stifled a laugh at the mental image of her running wildly through the fog, lights on her vest flashing. I’d thought she was adorable, then, even though I hadn’t wanted to.
She was playing differently this time.
I ducked around a corner and was met with the sounds of laser-fire. Chloe had been waiting for me at the other end of the hallway. My vest lit up and I folded my arms across my chest as she pointed and laughed at me.
“Chloe one, Harper nothing!”
“You know, us hardcore gamers have a word for what you just did, and it isn’t a complimentary term,” I informed her. She just laughed at me again and ran off.
A few seconds later, my lights stopped flashing and I took off after her, winding through the hallways without regard for how much noise I was making.
I found Chloe hiding behind a smaller wall before she could make sense of where I was, and mashed my gun right into her vest as I pulled the trigger over and over again. “Die, cretin!”
“That’s not very nice,” was all she said, but she was grinning at me as she stood. “You’re so cute when you get into this nerdy stuff, though.” She leaned in and kissed me for a moment as the lights on her vest flashed, her gun momentarily disabled. Then the lights stopped and I beat her to firing. She groaned as her vest started flashing all over again.
“Nice try,” I told her, pecking her on the lips once more, and then ran off before she could use her gun again.
“It almost worked!” she called after me.
We spent the next ten minutes running around through the fog, shooting at and teasing each other when we’d find ourselves in the same area. I was sweating by the time we were nearly done, and I was also, frankly, destroying Chloe. She’d only managed to hit me twice more since shooting me that first time after I’d just entered the maze.
I found myself hiding back in one of the corner bases for the last couple of minutes, using the elevation to search for Chloe, who was nowhere to be found. For a moment, standing there in the total silence, I began to get worried. Would something happen to her in the maze? It was unlikely, but with three weeks until her birthday, I was paranoid.
But before that paranoia could manifest itself into outright panic, I felt a gun press into the back of my vest. I let out a laugh, mostly relieved. “I can’t believe you snuck in here without me noticing.”
“Drop the gun and put your hands where I can see them,” she joked. I tried to spin around and she immediately shot me, then grinned at me when we were face to face.
“Okay, so you got, like, four points. I still kicked your ass.”
“I improved. I said I’d get better, remember?”
“I actually only remember you telling me to ‘lose the boy’,” I admitted.
“Well, that too. It was fun without him.”
“I like Robbie.”
“Yeah, but you like me better.” Grinning, she leaned in to kiss me. I pressed my gun to her vest and pulled the trigger again just as the voice over the intercom told us our game was over. Chloe let her gun fall from her hands and laughed into my mouth even as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer. “Overly competitive nerd.”
* * *
I drove us home after we stopped nearby for some fast food, and Chloe stared out of her window for the better part of the trip. We’d had a fun day, but a part of me felt a little uneasy. I knew why.
Finally she asked, “Do you think every teenager in a relationship daydreams about getting married, and buying a house, and having pets or kids or both, and makes up names for them and all that dumb stuff, or am I just lame?”
“I don’t think about it,” I admitted, and then added when she turned and stared at me, “I mean, I’d like all of that, but nothing’s a guarantee in life and I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“I just wonder if those ninety-eight percent of teenage couples who’ll break up at some point know that they’re part of the ninety-eight percent. Like, do they sit around and go ‘eh, this is nice for now’, or do they actually have these embarrassing images of their future only to have it all destroyed in the end?”
I shot her a strange look. “That’s… Why on earth would you think about that?”
“Well, it’d be nice to know that the fact that I think about our future is some sort of indication that it might all come true. Like maybe it’s some sort of sign that we’re gonna be a thing for a long time.”
“I don’t think most people assume a relationship is doomed. Especially not teenagers. Most of us naively think we’ll never break up and that everything will go perfectly fine and we’ll get married and live happily ever after.”
“‘Naively?’ Harsh.” She turned away, and I could tell I’d hurt her feelings.
“I don’t mean it like that, Chloe. It’s just… it’s like you said. Ninety-eight percent of the time that’s not how it happens. Doesn’t that make it naïve to think you’re part of the two percent?”
“Well, if I’m the only one who bothers acting like we could be, I guess it does,” she said, her tone clipped.
I sighed quietly, forcing myself to keep my eyes on the road. “I’d marry you, Chloe. I’ve told you that. I meant it.”
“Then how do you not think about it?”
“Because I don’t want to think about something I might not ever have,” I shot back, with more force than I’d intended. The tension was palpable after I’d fallen silent.
“I was just trying to find a way to let you know that I think about having a life with you, is all,” Chloe mumbled at last. “Even if it seems naïve and stupid and even though we’re just teenagers and it’s only been a few weeks and we don’t know for sure how long this will last. I thought if you knew I thought about the future maybe you’d let yourself do the same. I thought maybe I could change the way you think about life.”
“
You have,” I insisted. “Since we’ve met, you’ve changed a lot of things about me. But you can’t make everything better just by existing. Especially given that we can’t even control how long we’re around.”
“I don’t believe that. We all have a choice. I can’t believe everything’s pointless like you seem to sometimes.”
“Okay. You win. You’ve changed my mind.”
There was a long silence, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chloe fold her arms across her chest. “Don’t be petulant,” she mumbled. “It’s just exhausting to be around all the time, you know? You smile a lot around me but sometimes I get the feeling you’re holding back. Like if you enjoy life too much you might forget to hate it.” She sighed and shook her head. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“What do you want? For me to say that I think about what kind of house we’d live in or what we’d name a dog? I don’t. I’m busy trying to get through every day.”
“Why does every day have to be some massive struggle? Why can’t you just enjoy it for what it is?”
“If you’re just with me because you want to fix me, you’re wasting your time. You have to accept that this isn’t going to change.”
“You think I’m that kind of person. Good to know.”
We pulled into my driveway and I sighed as I shut my car off. My phone buzzed as Chloe moved to get out of the car. “Wait,” I told her even as I looked at the message from my dad: Got a suitcase packed for this weekend?
I paused, confused. I was going with my dad and Deborah? I’d thought it was just meant to be the two of them.
“Look, I’ll be home if you wanna hang out tomorrow,” Chloe mumbled, already backing away me. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “Let me know if you’re not too busy sadly pondering the futility of human existence or whatever. Sorry I dared to think of being happy one day.”
“Wait,” I sighed out again, and walked to her when she grudgingly paused. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, then let out a sharp breath and tried to relax. “I’m just scared to lose you, is all. I don’t want to think about the future because I can’t think about how perfect it could be without thinking about how it’d feel to lose it all.” I lowered my eyes, unable to look into hers as I lied, “Maybe that’ll change, but if it doesn’t, you have to be okay with it.”
“When does it end? When do you accept that you could be happy? When you’re married? When you have three dogs and financial stability and a job you enjoy and everything else people are meant to want out of life?”
“I don’t know.” I still didn’t look at her. “Maybe… ask me again in a month. Okay?”
“Okay, then. I will.” She said it like she was accepting a challenge. “Thirty days from today.”
“Okay.” I felt lower than dirt for even suggesting it in the first place, and for a moment, I was sure I was going to start crying.
The front door opened behind me and my dad popped his head out. “Hey, Harper, I checked your room; you forgot to pack?”
I turned around and sighed, “I didn’t know I was going, Dad. I’m really not in the mood.”
“Deborah’s got a business conference at a resort in Sacramento and she’s been gracious enough to make sure we got a room all three of us can stay in. There’s a pool there and a restaurant she’s been dying to show the both of us. She grew up there. I told you all of this. She’s going to be here soon and I won’t let you back out; it’s extremely rude.”
“I don’t want to go,” I repeated. “I’ll stay at Chloe’s.”
“I don’t think so,” Dad insisted.
Behind me, Chloe nudged me and added, “Go, Harper. Maybe we need a break. We can talk on Monday.”
“I don’t want a break. I-” I trailed off, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes again. I felt so hopeless. Chloe was upset and I couldn’t tell her why I felt the way I did, and my dad was going to make me leave her while she was upset and with three weeks to go until her birthday, and I didn’t know what to say to either of them to make things better. “I just want everything to be okay with us. I don’t want you to be mad at me; I just always say the wrong thing and I know I’m hard to be around sometimes. Please don’t be mad.”
I said this all to Chloe, visibly near tears, and she softened a little and reached out to wipe at my eyes. “I’ll text you,” she relented. “Okay? All weekend. I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Even as she said it, the uneasy feeling I’d had all day began to intensify. A heavy knot formed in my stomach. I worried it was same feeling I’d gotten the night my mom had died, and then hated myself for not being able to remember.
I swallowed hard and turned back to my dad. “I’m staying here.”
Dad reached up to rub at his temples, and his jaw clenched with anger. “Harper. I have given you all the freedom in the world this summer. I’m asking you to please take two days to go on a free trip and stay in a free hotel with a free pool and room service. This isn’t exactly a chore.”
“Just let Chloe come too, then, I can-”
“Harper, go with your dad,” Chloe cut in. She stepped around to my front and took my hand in hers. “It sounds like fun. You guys should spend some time together. I hog you enough as it is.”
“You don’t understand; I can’t leave you. If I leave you…” I trailed off and closed my eyes, realizing how crazy I must’ve sounded. But I knew – I knew – that this ache I felt wasn’t there for no reason.
There were a lot of things I’d come to know that summer. That fate was unchangeable. That Chloe’s death was coming no matter what I did. That I had to accept those things because I’d drive myself crazy if I didn’t.
But that didn’t make it any less impossible to just let go. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ever going to be ready.
“Can you just-” I choked out, and saw Chloe’s alarmed reaction to the tears that came rolling down my cheeks without warning. “Can you be safe?”
“It’s just a weekend,” she repeated. “I don’t understand.” But she reached out to wipe at my eyes again.
“Harper, this is a little ridiculous,” said my dad, who’d slipped out of the front door to join us now. “If leaving for two days is this upsetting, you two definitely need some time apart.”
“It’s just been a rough d-” Chloe started to say, and then seemed to change her mind when she realized that we’d actually had a perfectly fine day together. “We argued in the car, is all,” she said instead.
“I’m sorry to hear that, but you’ll have plenty of time to patch things up later. Right now Harper needs to come pack her bag; Deborah’s going to be here any minute now and I’d rather she not find out Harper didn’t want to go. It’d really hurt her feelings. Harper can call you later, Chloe.”
“Okay. I can go.” Chloe stepped away from me and I shook my head, my vision blurry.
“Wait. I’ll go in, Dad, just let me say goodbye.”
Dad sighed as I wiped at my eyes again, but I saw him soften. He reached out to pat me on the shoulder. “Alright, but please hurry.”
“I will.”
He left to head back inside, and Chloe, shooting me a sympathetic look, leaned in to give me a hug. I knew the second Dad was gone that I was going to lose it. I was trembling and as Chloe squeezed me tight, I cried into her shoulder. I knew I had to look absolutely insane to her then; she had no way of understanding why I was so upset.
“I don’t know what I said, but I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t get mad at you for being a little pessimistic. I can’t blame you after what you’ve been through.”
“It’s not your fault,” I sobbed out. “I’m sorry I’ve been awful. I’m sorry I didn’t smile enough and that I wouldn’t ride roller coasters with you and that I didn’t let you kiss me that first weekend when I knew I liked you too. I was just scared.”
“I get it. I know.” She squeezed me tighter. “It’s okay. It’s okay that we’re different. Maybe that’s what makes this whole
thing work. You’d be boring if you were just like me.”
I pulled away from her and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “You are not boring.”
“I know. Neither are you. How many people out there have chocolate allergies? That’s totally weird and interesting.” I forced a small laugh and she smiled at me. “I’m gonna text you nonstop, okay? Because as much as I support you bonding with your dad and his girlfriend, that trip honestly sounds boring as hell. And my weekend will be boring without you. So I’ll also be texting you for selfish reasons. I kind of have no other friends.”
“I hogged your summer,” I said, sniffing.
“Trust me, that was not against my will.” She pulled me in for another tight hug. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again, and struggled to fight them off. She pulled away from me just enough to kiss me.
It was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life to pull away from her and walk away, but I did it. I walked backwards for the first few steps, eyes on her as she smiled at me and gave me a small wave goodbye. I glanced up at her forehead, felt myself fall apart all over again at the sight of the sixteen that still rested there, and then looked back down into her eyes. It was the first part of her I’d ever seen, and I wanted it to be the last, too, if this was the end for us.
Then I turned around and went inside, climbed up the stairs to my room, and broke down as I began to pack my bag, muffling my sobs with my arm as my vision began to blur all over again.
Chapter Twelve
I texted Robbie in the car as Deborah drove, feeling numb all over as I forced my thumbs to spell out my message. “I think it’s this weekend. Dad made me go to Sacramento with him. I feel so helpless.”
I leaned my head against the window and stared at the back of the seat in front of me. We were in Deborah’s car. There was a fitness magazine that rested in the pocket on the back of the seat. My phone buzzed as I stared blankly at the cover. I looked down at Robbie’s message.