How to Steal a Piano and Other Stories

by John Hughes

  No

  Feedback:

  Don’t be cross with me Paula, pleeese! I couldn’t help myself, he was just so fit! 30, Ex-army, muscles everywhere, honest to god, sitting in the pub I must have been drooling and I could tell so were women at other tables. He oozed sex, like at some kind of animal level, bit like Daniel Craig only way sexier, I kid you not. His hand touched my arm when he handed me my drink and it was like an electric shock. Sooo, after a couple of drinks he suggests we take a drive somewhere quiet and I just went along with it, followed him like I’m in a trance, allowing it to happen. We drove out Riseley way and parked down a track somewhere near the country park, he’d obviously been there before, often I reckon. I got in the back of his car with him, and without a word being spoken, we stripped each other naked and… well, we fucked, and we fucked… and we fucked. It was outrageous! He was like a machine. I came four times. I’ve NEVER come four times before in my life, ever! I say naked, I forgot to take my heels off. They dug into the fabric in the roof of his car and ripped it, he didn’t notice so I said nothing. He flipped me about like a ragdoll, we were outside over the bonnet at one stage, then when he’d eventually finished with me (and he took forever!!!) we put our clothes back on, said goodnight and I drove home. Paula, that man sorted my head out more in two hours than therapy has in two years. I feel fantastic.

  Paula read it through several times. She felt shocked and aroused in equal measures, and, it had to be said, plain envious. “I’ve never come four times either,” she said out loud. “Ever.”

  “What was that?” said Duncan who had come upstairs to use the loo.

  “Nothing,” she replied, getting up to close the door. She was sorely tempted to lock herself in and put her pocket rocket to good use. God, reading this was better than watching porn, she thought, which she sometimes did when the urge was strong, and it was a darts night, and Ross had gone to bed. As she sat gazing at the screen, a text pinged in.

  U still want to know me?

  U still breathing?

  LOL yeh but I’ve been walking like John Wayne all day.

  Not surprised! My god woman what r u like?

  It just happened, couldn’t help myself.

  Risky. He obviously does that a lot.

  Yeh I know. Honest to god though, Paula, it was worth it.

  Did u use protection?

  Always, sweetie. Always.

  Phew! 2nd date?

  Never to be repeated. Nothing in common, apart from the obvious.

  So who’s next?

  No idea! Wes scrambled my brains. He’ll be a hard act to follow – hard being the key word LOL.

  Better than therapy u said.

  You bet. I feel so clear headed, like I’ve got something completely out of my system. I thought Hugh was good but this guy fair filleted me.

  ENOUGH! I’m off for a cold shower. Two more dates to go then it’s decision time, Lainey. I’m still betting on Aaron.

  Yep, back in the real world he’s a contender. 3rd date tomorrow night. Hope my fanny’s got some feeling back by then.

  GOOD BYE!!! X

  That evening, Elaine sent Paula a text asking if they could chat. Glad for an excuse to escape the telly, Paula wandered upstairs and lay on the bed with her phone in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. She scrolled down her list of recent calls and touched LaineyLou. Elaine answered immediately.

  “What’s up chicken?”

  “Oh Paula, I’m all mixed up.”

  “Your brains still scrambled?”

  Elaine chuckled. “Sort of.”

  “That Wes sounds quite a guy.”

  “God yeh, I’ve never known anything like it. But that’s not why I’m mixed up… that’s actually cleared things up for me. It was pure lust – you know, rutting sex. No basis for a relationship. I’m getting confused with this whole thirteen thing. I don’t know where it’s all leading. I’ve got two dates left, that’s all… which is nothing. I’m running out of options.”

  “Do you need any more?”

  “Do I? That’s the problem, I don’t know. There’s Hugh and Aaron, I really like them both. I think I’d be happy settling down with either of them.”

  “Well, Lainey, if that’s the case then our objective has been achieved already, wouldn’t you say? Of course Aaron hasn’t passed the nookie test yet. That might whittle it down to just a one-horse race.”

  “True. I’ll find out tomorrow night. Thing is, I really like them both and can see either of them as a long-term partner… but they may not see it the same way. This isn’t about finding a boyfriend, Paula, it’s about marrying someone… that’s the pledge. So if Aaron doesn’t work out, that leaves Hugh. Either way, it’s very early days. I’m not convinced Hugh isn’t a player, we haven’t spent more than a few hours together. I really like him, but a potential husband? I have no idea how he’s feeling about me.”

  “Hmm, you’re right of course. Maybe we’re being a bit prescriptive with the pledge. Last thing I would want to do is push you into something that’s potentially a huge mistake.”

  “I wouldn’t allow you to.”

  “That’s fair enough. Sorry, Lainey… if I’ve put you under pressure doing this. I thought I was helping. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m raising your expectations.”

  “It’s fine. Actually it’s been a good thing. You’ve made me focus more on the men I’m dating. When I look back on the twenty-six dates I had before, I was going through the motions. You were right, I could have met up with Mister Perfect and not even realised. At least this time I’ve been looking beyond the façade and seeing the person behind it. Forget the time wasters like the married one and the groper…”

  “And the one with no brain.”

  “Him too. I’ve learned something from this, and that’s to try and get to know them better. Not to be too superficial.”

  “Like it was with Wes?”

  “Aw come on, Paula, he was an exception. You know what I’m saying. Would you like his number?”

  “Yes please.”

  “You’re kidding me!”

  “I’m kidding you, I think. What shall we do then, forget the whole thing? Call a halt?”

  “I don’t know… I’m confused and feeling all dated out to be honest. I’m not really fussed about meeting anyone else at the moment. I just want to spend time with Hugh, or Aaron, and see how it goes.”

  “Fair enough. Mission accomplished I would say.”

  “Only if wedding bells result, and that’s far from likely.”

  “I suppose the whole idea was a bit ambitious. I’ve enjoyed the journey though, better than a TV soap reading your feedback every week. Especially Wes – I reckon I got as much pleasure out of him as you did, reading what you got up to!”

  “Did you… you know?”

  “I did.”

  “Good for you. So where do we go from here?”

  “You tell me.”

  “I don’t know!”

  “Okay,” said Paula, “here’s a plan. How about, see how it goes with Aaron tomorrow. If he doesn’t match up in the y-front department you know that Hugh is the successful candidate. Have you got another date with him in the diary?”

  “Tuesday.”

  “Great. You could be wrong about him being a player. Let’s face it, he’s doing the running. Meanwhile, for the sake of the pledge, why not go on the last two dates as well? You never know, there might be a late contender. Have you got any lined up?”

  “Thursday, and possibly next Saturday but either will get bumped if Hugh or Aaron want to do something.”

  “Keep me posted as always. How does that sound, you still confused?”

  “Thanks, Paula, I think I’m clearer in the head now. After number thirteen let’s meet up and eat and dri
nk and talk.”

  “You bet – can’t wait. Good luck tomorrow with Aaron.”

  “Thanks. He’s taken his details off Plenty of Fish already. Says he doesn’t want to talk to anyone else now until he sees how it pans out with me.”

  “Aw that’s a good sign, he sounds really sweet. How about Hugh, is he still on there?”

  “Yes,” said Elaine sullenly. “Logged on twenty-four/seven it seems.”

  “Not so good. Like I said before, I reckon Aaron’s the one.”

  “I think you could be right.”

  “Me too.”

  “Night Paula.”

  Apart from a few texts à propos nothing in particular, Paula heard no further news about dating until the following weekend. She made her Sunday afternoon pilgrimage to the spare bedroom in the hope that the final update in the thirteen data saga would be waiting for her. She was not disappointed.

  Name. 12:

  Date of Date:

  Duration:

  Shaggable?

  2nd Date?

  Marriable?

  ROWAN

  Thu 8.6.17

  1 hour

  No

  No

  No

  Feedback:

  A difficult one, my heart wasn’t in it after a romantic evening with Aaron on Tuesday which was lovely. With a name like Rowan I kept thinking of Mr Bean, he was a bit like that, nerdy, works for a software company in Bracknell. A nice guy, polite, charming, smart, I liked him, but the timing was all wrong. When we left the pub I told him I didn’t think we were suited and he looked gutted, said he’d really like to see me again. I felt bad driving home. Bollocks to all this dating. By the way, Aaron passed the test… worth waiting for LOL.

  Almost inevitable, thought Paula. Rowan didn’t stand a chance. Didn’t sound like Lainey’s type anyway. And so to the thirteenth and last. Probably the same again, an also ran, especially after Aaron had succeeded in keeping in the running. My God, that woman was getting so much sex! Paula’s envy was turning into outright jealousy and she felt strongly now that she was missing out. Maybe she should ask for Wes’s number; get something well and truly out of her system too. Duncan need never know. But Wes probably wouldn’t be interested in an overweight older bird like her. From what Elaine said, women were dropping at his feet – he could pick and choose. Perhaps he had an older brother. Paula pulled herself out of a developing daydream and focused on the last entry on the spreadsheet.

  Name, 13:

  Date of Date:

  Duration:

  Shaggable?

  2nd Date?

  Marriable?

  TIM

  Sun 10.6.17

  3 hours

  Maybe

  Maybe

  Maybe

  Feedback:

  A very pleasant surprise. Another nice guy, felt like I’d known him for years, easy to talk to and we talked a lot. Was only meant to be a drink but we ended up having dinner and then walking along the river. We even held hands! Not what I was expecting and a lovely way to end this little pledge idea. Thanks Paula, you’re a top mate. Looking forward to meeting up and tying this all up with you. Xxx

  Paula smiled. Ah that was nice. At least the last one hadn’t been a total waste of time and a chore. It sounded as if Elaine liked him. But the feedback was not all glowing like it had been with Hugh and Aaron, so presumably still a two-man race.

  * * *

  “Come on then,” said Paula eagerly. “I’ve heard all about them, now let’s see what they look like.” Elaine moved her chair closer to her friend and fired up her iPad.

  It was a fortnight later. They were sitting in the same pub near the Oracle where the pledge had been made two months earlier. It was midsummer now and just past the longest day, so even though nine in the evening it was still light. They had talked about the dating over dinner, at length; Paula asking question upon question, Elaine trying her best to answer. Yes, she had seen both Hugh and Aaron; no, she didn’t have a favourite; yes, they both were still keen; yes, she could see what they looked like.

  Elaine opened up a folder on her desktop titled Dates Pledge. Inside, as well as an Excel spreadsheet icon, were two rows of sub-folders, each bearing a man’s name. Paula recognised them all: Hugh, Frank, Dave, Jon, Glynn, Simon, Aaron, Peter, Pete, Reginald, Wes, Rowan, Tim. Inside every folder was a single photo, cut and pasted off Plenty of Fish.

  “Who would you like to see first?” said Elaine.

  The reply was instantaneous. “Wes.”

  Elaine guffawed. “I should have guessed. Okay let’s get it over with.” Elaine clicked on Wes’s folder then the photo file inside it. An image appeared, filling the screen; a man wearing tight jeans and a white t-shirt with biceps bulging beneath the short sleeves, a tanned face, perfect features and light-brown hair cropped short. He had one of those smiles that emanates from eyes as well as mouth.

  Paula gazed at the photo. “Oh my God,” she gasped. “He’s absolutely totally drop dead gorgeous!” She squirmed a little in her seat.

  “Isn’t he?”

  “Now I understand. I think I’d probably have done the same as you.”

  “What, ripped his car roof with your heels?”

  “And the rest! Oh lord, can you email me that photo? I’d like to study it in my own time.”

  “You dirty old bird – alright, if you like.”

  “I like.”

  “Now please concentrate, this is not about you wetting your knickers over Wes. Look, this is Hugh.”

  An image appeared of a well-dressed man leaning against an expensive looking car, smiling warmly towards the camera. He was rather stocky in build and had dark, wavy hair.

  “Hmm,” said Paula. “Looks a bit of a smoothy.”

  “He is. Lovely personality though, and fun to be with.”

  “I think I prefer Wes.”

  “Well start thinking with your brain and not your fanny then!”

  “Sorry.” Paula sipped some wine. “He looks very nice. Now what about Aaron?”

  Elaine clicked some more and soon they were looking at a very different man; older, slimmer, with a receding hairline. He was more casually dressed than Hugh and although not smiling, he had a distinct twinkle in his eye and an expression that suggested he was somehow flirting with the camera.

  “Ooh I like Aaron,’ said Paula. “He looks nice… a bit cheeky, and warmer, more empathic than Hugh.”

  “You could be right. He’s very romantic, says lovely things about me. So what do you think?”

  “I think you know what I think.”

  “Aaron.”

  “He’s the one.”

  Elaine looked across at her friend, gazing into her eyes as if trying to weigh her up in some way… making an assessment. She said nothing. The look went on longer than was comfortable for Paula.

  “What’s up, Lainey? Why are you staring at me like that?” The gaze continued to the point that it became unsettling. “Lainey, you’re spooking me here, what’s going on?”

  Elaine picked her handbag up off the floor. “Will you do me a favour?”

  “Depends what it is.”

  “Will you turn away for a minute?”

  “What for?”

  “Please, will you just do
it… for me?”

  “No, I don’t trust you.”

  “Well shut your eyes then.”

  Paula gave Elaine a deeply suspicious look, picked up her wine glass, turned sideways on her chair and clammed her eyelids together. “Whatever you’re doing, be quick.” She heard some rustling, then the handbag being plonked back onto the floor.

  “Okay you can look now.”

  Paula opened her eyes and turned back round, looking at Elaine sitting opposite her. She appeared exactly the same as she had before, looking elegant as always in a white trouser suit, elbows on the table, hands curled around the stem of her wine glass. “What?”

  Elaine picked up her glass with her left hand and raised it in the air. “A toast,” she announced. “To my fab friend.” Puzzled but happy to oblige, Paula lifted up her glass. “Thank you for being the best mate in the world and for everything you’ve done for me. Paula, I cannot thank you enough.”

  “But I haven’t done anything. What have I done?”

  As the glasses clinked together, Paula’s attention moved from Elaine’s face to the hand around her glass. Something was glistening. On her fourth finger was a ring that had not been there two minutes earlier. It looked like white gold with a single diamond held in place by four claws. A large diamond.

  Paula gasped. “Lainey! What the…!”

  “I’m engaged.”

  In her excitement, Elaine had spoken louder than she intended. The group of women at the next table overheard and started cheering and clapping. They shouted “Congratulations!’ and “Go girl!” A wit amongst them said: “Keep wearing those trousers, darling, you’ll need to.”

  Paula leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek and gave her a huge hug. They both had tears in their eyes. “You old sly boots, I don’t know what to say. I am so happy for you.” She sat down again, pulled a tissue out of her bag and dried her eyes. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks Paula. Seriously, without you and the pledge this wouldn’t have happened.”

  From behind her tissue Paula said: “Actually, I do have something to say – something rather important. Who the bloody hell are you engaged to? No, don’t tell me, let me guess. It’s Aaron isn’t it? You took my advice. It’s Aaron.”