by Sunniva Dee
“Wait, what did you say about her heart?”
I shut my eyes impatiently for a second.
“Please, Gabriel, tell me you’re aware of the ins and outs of the emotional oblivion you induced? You realize that you also provoked an emotional void, right? Since you broke her heart, a vacuum is festering in it.”
The expression on his face was priceless. He looked deceived, like he’d had no idea of the impact of his actions. Gabriel grabbed my shoulders and shook me.
“Have I erased her ability to love?”
“Oh man! Do you ever think outside your own little box? God, I forgot how annoying you can be. What part of ‘she loves you like crazy’ did you not get?” I slapped his hands off of me.
“Here’s the deal: Her heart broke. You took away her pain but not her love for you. The void won’t be filled until she’s allowed to love you freely or go through the actual heartbreak.”
Of course things couldn’t be simple. We were talking about Gabriel here.
“Those are not options.”
“Eh, guess you’re right. The only real choice we have…”
“We?” he interjected, frowning. “Since when are we together in this, Cassiel?”
“Since you started altering my kickass world on me. You’re tearing it down with your bare hands here, and I’m not snoozing through your demolition to wake up in Hell.”
With eyes suddenly brimming with tears, Gabriel was the perfect image of a beautiful, sad angel. Any earthly female would have killed to console him. A very human nausea rose in me.
To make it stop, I clapped his back in my best rendition of empathy. “There, there, we’ll fix this, little guy. Let’s have her die. She’s overdue by years anyway. The Heavenly balance will be restored, the archangels won’t come, and you’ll be assigned another, less perceptive Earthling.”
My last thought slipped out on its own. “Plus, I get to keep my lifestyle.”
Apparently, the reasoning didn’t cut it for him. Out of the blue, he splayed me out in the dirt for what seemed like the twentieth time, and I coughed. I’d tell him I was over being flung on my back like a chick as soon as I regained the ability to speak.
The skies blazed with electrifying light, while Gabriel hurled needle-sharp ice pellets and fountains of boiling lava my way.
By the time I got to my feet, he’d vanished. I found him at his Earthling’s place, protecting her. She was asleep, and seeing that she was fine, he’d calmed down. I had to laugh at how he placed his body between her and me.
“We need a plan, Gabriel. Seriously, what do you think will happen if we don’t do something? The archangels are not going to let this slide.”
He nodded, tired. “I thought Michael was giving me a second chance. Too good to be true, I guess.”
“Sorry, bro. No way is he giving you twenty-one second chances. You’ve been so lucky it’s not even funny.”
“I need time to think. All I know is that she can’t die. What if we erase the love?”
“Gabriel, you’ve got to be kidding. ‘Erase the love?’ Doesn’t even thinking that hit a surreal cord? It’s like believing that angels can induce hate!”
“Enough, Cassiel, you’re killing me.” His eyes squeezed shut with impatience.
I snickered. Just the reaction I wanted.
“Honestly, Gabriel. The least conspicuous way is to just act on the love. Don’t let your loss swell further. Date her, dude. Kiss her.”
“Gaia wants me to stay invisible. And I can’t see how it would help her if I fell.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s change the subject to me, right? One of the main reasons why Michael threw us out was our flings with mortal chicks, and none of us have been pardoned and asked to return. Big deal.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
God, how cutesy sweet he was. So Celestial.
“Whatever. I’m still kicking, Gabriel, after everything. As long as we stay below the radar, we don’t get imprisoned or banished. The Boss still believes we’re somewhat of a good influence down here. Now we enjoy unlimited, free time since we’re not trusted with human assignments. It’s not too shabby.”
The female sighed, and the sheets slipped off her shoulder, exposing delicate skin. Our gaze snapped to her, and Gabriel’s movements blurred as he covered her up to her neck.
Without thinking, he let a finger slide down her cheek, and we both watched her smile in her sleep. I shook my head at him.
“Un-freaking-believable how you keep breaking rules. You hurt even when you touch her! Rumors from Upstairs say your loss is heading for the gate of the Third Heaven already.” Gabriel pulled his hand back and pressed two fingers around the bridge of his nose.
“If this is true, we’ve got a single gate left to go before it explodes in our faces, Gabriel—you know they’ll resolve this in Michael’s Heaven.”
I appealed to his increasingly human desires. “Gaia will die, and they won’t let you see her anymore.”
His face disappeared into his hands.
“I need some time, Cassiel. Is there nothing I can do to make sure she’s okay?”
“Hey. No time, remember? Third Gate, man, I’m telling you: get her under the radar. Right now, the quick fix is to act on your love so your loss can stop resonating. You both have to be happy. Get it?”
“I can’t. Being with me is not right for her, and I’m going to respect that.”
Oh, the annoyance. Thanks to the disregard for his own angelic wellbeing, I’d have to take care of matters alone. Even from the Creator’s perspective, her expiration date was out, so I had no scruples about making her die.
Nothing wrong with happily ever after. She’d be in Heaven, and playing her cards right, she might even join the ranks of the angels within mere millennia. Never tied down by that pesky, human love deal again, she’d feel no pain, no void.
The only one in limbo would be Gabriel. Who cared, though? With his lack of self-preservation he sure as hellfire wouldn’t. And he’d end up forgiving me. It was, after all, the nature of the Celestials.
Under the window, a sexy brunette traipsed by after a late night out. I flashed to her sorority house. With plans to make, I’d think clearer after a glass of strawberry champagne and a tryst with a warm body. I sat down on the steps of her mansion and stretched out my legs. Soon enough, she fell into my lap with nothing but a submissive sigh.
Chapter 15 — They’ll Forget
Gaia
I slept fitfully, probably because of my dream, in which two angels argued about my fate. Once the morning light leaked in, I couldn’t stay in bed any longer. I wandered down from my dorm and ended up in the cafeteria for a crack-of-dawn breakfast.
Between the dark angel and the earthquake, last night’s events had been intense. Seismologists now scoured for an explanation on all TV channels. I knew they wouldn’t find one. My heart clenched at the thought of Gabriel.
Absorbed in my thoughts, I didn’t notice who came strolling in until gasps from the surrounding tables alerted me. His golden eyes sparkled as he took the seat opposite mine.
“Morning, babe. Did you enjoy the smooch yesterday?”
“I did not!”
A furtive glance around confirmed my suspicion. A dozen gaping mouths showed the ladies not just following our conversation but unabashedly devouring him. I hunched in over my mug. Shouldn’t they all be asleep? It was 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday!
Unaffected by the extreme interest, Cassiel wagged his index finger at me. “Tsk, tsk. Didn’t your mommy tell you it’s wrong to lie?”
“What’s your problem, Cassiel? What do you want?”
Somebody groaned a couple of booths over, and I wished I hadn’t come down to breakfast.
My gut recalled how unpredictable he was. Judging by the air pressing in on us, Gabriel concurred.
Cassiel’s slight smile vanished as he leaned over the table. Cupping my chin, his stare darkened to a smoldering bronze and locked me in.
He was gorgeous. Insanely beautiful. I started to pull away, ignoring the sound of a girl’s body thumping to the floor behind me. Had she looked into his eyes and let herself be hypnotized without even being the target?
“Don’t…dazzle…”
“I’m not dazzling you,” he lied, irises easing into a lighter gold and pupils contracting. “Listen to me.”
My own lack of control exasperated me. “Fine! Just…don’t freaking look at me that way! I can’t think.” I was hissing at him.
“You’re entertaining, you know that?”
Breathy giggles from our rapt audience interrupted my scattered thoughts, but not his.
“Okay, here’s the deal. Ask me anything you want about Gabriel, and I’ll give you the answer. We hang out quite a bit.”
A low, sensual laugh erupted from his throat, maybe at the casual mention of their buddy time. A whispered “Oh, Lord,” escaped from a dark-haired girl in my line of view. I wanted to clamp my hand over his mouth and stop the intimate sound from invading the fantasies of every female in the room.
Cassiel waited as my wheels turned, until I finally grasped his offer. “Hey, why would you do that for me? And how do I know you’ll tell the truth?”
“Oh, blah-blah. Like you have a choice. Who else can tell you about him? I’m just being nice here, babe, but whatever.”
Right. What did he care if I believed him or not? From my standpoint, any information I could scrounge up on Gabriel—truths, half-truths, even lies—would appease this fuzzy need in me. I let my lungs deflate and relaxed.
“Is Gabriel okay?” I sighed.
Cassiel sat with me as the hours stole by. My surroundings disappeared, and the more I learned of Gabriel’s existence, the more my heart stirred in my chest.
What had I unwittingly put him through? Not once had he complained. Not once had he broken his promise of staying hidden as I’d asked. Throughout this whole time, he’d been grieving. Since he wasn’t human, the suffering never diminished. Angels didn’t forget.
Gabriel’s eyes had been lakes of pain when I’d begged him to hide from me in December.
“Yes, that pretty much covers it—him. He’s hurting. And Gaia, he doesn’t shimmer anymore.”
“Because of me? I made him lose his shimmer?”
“Yep. You rock at shattering halos, girl.”
The tears came and spilled down my face.
“Nobody believed in him. I was so confused.” I sniffled.
Cassiel nodded coolly, at ease with weeping girls and an entire cafeteria glued to our every move. He brushed a tear away from my lip with his thumb.
The move prefaced another thud, signaling his second casualty of the morning. The sound of cheeks being slapped followed. A body was stacked onto a couch somewhere behind me.
“Gabriel knows that, but the real problem is on a much bigger scale. The archangels will be on their way soon. This kind of suffering breaks the Rules. Since it resonates through the Heavens, you’re bringing down judgment—”
“The Heavens? How many are there?” I asked, hung up on irrational details.
“Ever heard of the Seventh Heaven, sweetheart?”
“Well, yeah…”
“That’s the last one. Anyways, this isn’t going to be pretty. Did I mention that you should be dead? Dead, dead, dead.” His smirk was delicious, and he suddenly scared the living daylights out of me. I swallowed.
The silence made the surroundings sneak back into my awareness. Too many students were gathered in the dining hall now. All the girls and even some guys were watching the glowing Adonis at my table in complete awe.
“Gabriel’s in serious trouble because I’m still alive…”
Aloof as a cat, he leaned in. He sustained the light grasp he had on my forearms. “Ah, yes. I knew you’d get my drift eventually. Such a clever girl.”
I couldn’t stop crying and needed to get out of here. I got up, and Cassiel placed a luminous hand at the small of my back as he walked with me to the door.
“How can you leave them this way?” I mumbled, glancing back at our audience.
Cassiel shrugged. “They’ll forget. A lot of me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, they won’t remember most of how I look and what happened here.”
For a moment, he turned and roamed the clientele with a swift scan. The entire establishment held its breath for the second his lips shaped into a heart. The soundless kiss evaporated from his features as soon as he faced me again.
“Done deal.”
My heart thrashed in my chest. I hoped he would leave, but Cassiel was impervious to my get-lost vibe and followed me all the way to my Saturday makeup class.
The last truth from his well-shaped lips came on the doorstep. He paid zero attention to the student body frozen in our direction when he purred it into my ear.
“The only way this might work, I mean, since you’re not dying or anything—which would have been the only safe bet for Gabriel—is if you guys cut the bullshit and pick up the love again. Basically, you’d stand a better chance with the positive counterpart of your emotions. Who knows? It might offset future punishment if you’re happily dating.” He shrugged.
“I don’t understand. Whatever happened to sacrifice? Isn’t suffering what it’s all about? Not that I want Gabriel to suffer, but I thought we humans were supposed to?”
“Ha! I can’t believe you mortals bought that crap. I don’t know who came up with it, but it sure as hellfire wasn’t the Boss.”
“No way. What does the…um, Boss want?”
“Well, think about it, babe. When you have kids, do you want them to have a horrible time? Or do you want them to be happy? Would you be able to go about your life, do your job, etcetera, if you knew your kids were suffering?”
“You’re comparing me to the Creator now?”
“Yep, same difference. He made the angels—and you guys—in his image.”
“But if the suffering’s for a good cause?”
“Yeah, yeah, pain is fine and all if it’s for the betterment of a bunch of souls, but this kind of pain is not okay.”
“What’s wrong with this type?” I barely dared to ask now that a low, impatient growl rumbled in his throat.
“Well, damn, Gaia—it’s obvious, isn’t it?” Cassiel stared me down. “Humans and angels? No point of contact. And yet you? You made an angel of God suffer! You don’t even know. A Celestial’s sorrow at the hands of an Earthling and vice versa isn’t just frowned upon, but fucking unacceptable.”
Oh.
Got to give it to him—he had a way with words.
****
The class went by in a slow haze. My poor brain grappled with selfish jubilation over Gabriel caring for me and hysteria over the finality of my decision. If the archangels dove in after I’d made the wrong choice, the ensuing disaster wouldn’t be of the beautiful sort.
I shouldn’t have survived the accident. If I’d died, Gabriel’s existence as a Protector would have been restored. He’d be out there cradling a newborn in his love. Maybe I’d be spying on him from some afterlife now instead of never seeing him. All of this was my fault.
What if my death was the sole thing that could appease the Heavens? Strong and fast, the urge to be near Gabriel pulsated through my veins.
Darkness cloaked the auditorium when I looked up from my sketch. Buried in my musings, I hadn’t noticed as students and teacher filed out. The day had given me time to think, and I needed to talk with him. I called out his name the same way I had ages ago at home.
“Gabriel. Show yourself.”
His sadness brushed by then filled my senses.
“Stop this Gabriel. Please come.”
My gaze flitted over the room. To make a decision should be simple, but I needed to see him—speak with him. If I could only ask…touch…
I remembered suffocating under a duvet in Spring Hills the last time I’d done this, but we’d
been through so much since then. Gabriel wouldn’t do that to me again, would he?
“Please. I love you.”
Those three little words. The stupid, humiliating ones I couldn’t take back if they weren’t reciprocated.
What did I know about angel minds and angel hearts? I might have misunderstood Cassiel. Or maybe he was playing a cruel game with me. I had no reason to trust him!
As a Celestial, Gabriel was made of love. If he’d loved me in that flawed, selfish, human way that I understood, he would have told me.
Gabriel didn’t need me the way that I needed him. He had no urge to appear for me. Of course—I got it now. To him, I was just an appealing assignment. He didn’t need me to keep breathing.
Not a trace of shimmer moved in the room. But hopelessness waited for me on a hook by the door—shiny, impermeable and ready to wear in the downpour.
A marker flew up to the whiteboard. A powerful, harmonious cursive appeared under its touch. It looped across the board, forming letters and words I couldn’t absorb.
I walked up to it. I touched the tip of the “l” and looked at my fingertip. Blue. The ridges of my fingerprint stood out through the ink. I couldn’t be dreaming. Again, I read what he’d written: I love you more.
My laughter sounded too breathless, alien.
“Let me see you, Gabriel.”
The marker danced again. My presence should not influence how you live your life. I won’t be selfish with you anymore.
“No, I was wrong! The options are running out. I’ve got to speak with you.”
Then talk. I’m here, always.
Chapter 16 — Death
Gaia
I hurried up the hill, away from the classrooms. It didn’t matter where I went. My empty stomach churned, but I had no time to waste.
I’d made up my mind. The other angel would help, I was sure of it. I called his name out into the crisp darkness.
“Cassiel. Show yourself.”
It was ironic how quickly he appeared after Gabriel’s reluctance. Lounging against a tree with arms crossed and a foot propped up, his beautiful glare narrowed at me in annoyance.
“Lovely. You summon me like a goddamn genie. And what’s with the associate protector job you’re pinning on me? Nobody needs more than one.”