by Leigh Bale
“Geothermal development could be a good form of green energy as well as an opportunity to help create jobs for the State of Nevada,” he said.
Lily let him talk, letting his deep, calm voice soothe her jangled nerves. She caught the enthusiasm in his tone and realized this man loved and knew his job well. He was so much more than just a horse trainer.
“Your job sounds complicated. How have you learned all of this stuff?” she asked.
He shrugged. “I have a bachelor’s in range management and a dual master’s degree in soil science and hydrology, along with eleven years’ experience. There’s still a lot I need to learn, but I love what I do.”
“You love working with horses, too.”
He inclined his head. “Most people are good at a lot of things.”
She snorted. “Not me. I’m good at working on a ranch and that’s about it.”
“You’re also a great cook. You forget I’ve eaten a few meals at your house. You make the best homemade rolls I’ve ever had. None better.”
His praise touched her deeply. It’d been a long time since she felt good at anything. “Mom taught me.”
“And you’re good with horses, too. I saw how you handled Misty. As soon as you have this little girl, we’ll get you back in the saddle. Then you can show me what else you can do.”
Lily pressed the palms of her hands against her baby bump, longing to raise her child with all the love and gentleness she should have been raised with.
“I used to dream of going to college one day,” she said.
“There’s no reason you can’t still do that.”
“I can’t leave Emerald Ranch as long as Dad needs me.”
He hunched his shoulders. “Online classes work you just as hard as in-class instruction. Why not go to college online?”
She laughed. “I wonder what Dad would say if I asked him to buy a computer and have a line strung to our house so we can have internet connection.”
“He’d do it in a heartbeat.”
Lily had her doubts.
“It’s small, but we have a library in town where you can do research for your studies,” he said. “You can order in a book from numerous universities around the nation if you need it. Even if it’s just one class at a time, you’d be surprised how quickly the classes add up. School is hard, but well worth it. And there’s nothing wrong with being an educated rancher.”
A glow of pleasure filled her chest. His words encouraged and gave her hope. For the first time in a long time, she actually thought about tackling her education again. One class at a time.
When Nate drove the truck into the yard at Emerald Ranch, the colts and fillies raced across the paddock. They waved their heads over the fence, their ears pricked forward.
“Look at those silly kids. You’re spoiling them. They want their molasses treats,” Lily said.
“Yeah, the big babies. They’ll get their treats as long as they perform their training well.”
Lily laughed. In such a short time, the horses had come to love and trust Nate. So why couldn’t she do the same?
He killed the motor and looked at her, a soft smile creasing his mouth. “You should do that more often.”
“What?”
“Laugh out loud.”
Nate got out and opened her door for her. As she stepped down, he backed away. Not too far. Just enough so he didn’t touch her. And she realized he was doing it on purpose. To show her that he meant no harm.
“I’ll tell you what, sunshine. I’ll make you a promise right now.”
She tilted her head, looking at him with curiosity. “And what’s that?”
“I promise to make you laugh every time I see you.”
“That might be kind of nice,” she admitted.
“I’ll see you later this afternoon. I’ll be back to feed and water the horses.”
“You don’t need to come back. I can do it—”
He walked around the truck, cutting her off, his voice insistent. “I’ll be back later. I just made you a promise and I intend to keep it.”
He got in the truck, then waited until she was safely inside the house before pulling away. Lily continued to stare out the window at him, even when all she could see was the dust rising from the dirt road to show his passing.
Thankfully, Dad wasn’t home from church yet. Seeking solace, Lily went into her room and lay across her bed. She searched the worn pages of her mom’s Scriptures and meditated on what had happened today. She couldn’t reconcile why, but Nate made her feel both safe and lonely all at the same time. And yet, when she’d rejected his marriage proposal, she’d gone berserk, thinking he might hurt her.
Even prayer didn’t help and she found herself troubled by his marriage proposal. It’d be so easy to say yes and become his wife and let him help bear her burdens. But she couldn’t do that. She had to resolve her own problems first.
In the fifteenth chapter of Luke, she read about the prodigal son returning to his father after sinning against Heaven. And the father told his other son: Be glad, for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.
Surely Lily was the prodigal daughter returned after almost destroying her life. She didn’t have a jealous sibling to contend with, but she had her own demons to overcome. Her soul had been so very lost. And somehow, out of the muck and mire of transgression, the Lord had found and brought her home.
So if God could forgive her, why couldn’t she forgive herself?
She laid her head against a pillow and pressed her hands against her abdomen. The baby’s strong kicks thumped against her rib cage and she laughed, her eyes filling with tears of joy. How she loved this innocent little child. And for several fleeting seconds, she longed to share these sweet moments with Nate. To let him keep his promise to make her laugh every time she saw him.
To fall in love and marry him.
When he returned to the ranch later that afternoon, she stayed inside the house. Instead, Dad went outside to the barn. She just couldn’t face Nate again so soon. She had a lot to think about and even more to sort out. Because against her better judgment, she was actually entertaining the thought of staying at Emerald Ranch for good.
Chapter Sixteen
The next morning, Lily drove into town to meet with Clara at her house. The white double-wide manufactured home didn’t speak of great wealth, but that had never mattered to Lily. A short, chain-link fence surrounded the yard of green grass with purple-and-pink petunias filling the front flower beds.
Clara greeted her with a warm hug and brought her inside. Sitting at the kitchen table, they drank iced sodas. Clara bounced Sandy, her eight-month-old baby girl, on her knee as they jotted down plans for ushers at the rodeo. The gurgling baby waved her tiny arms and Lily was enthralled, hardly able to believe she would soon be a mother, too.
“You’re getting big.” Clara nodded at Lily’s tummy with a knowing smile.
“Yes, I still have another month to go, but I’m ready for this baby to be born now.” Lily’s throat tightened and she struggled to swallow. How would she ever be able to give up her baby? It’d be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.
“Don’t worry. That’ll change soon enough, and then you’ll have a bawling baby to deal with.”
Not if she gave the baby away.
“Have you spoken with Nate about security?”
“Yes, we’ve talked in the evenings when he comes to the ranch to train the horses.”
“Good. We always have to deal with a few drunk and disorderly people at the rodeo. By the way, what’s the deal with you and Nate?” Clara asked.
Lily tensed. Had Nathan told anyone that he’d proposed? “What do you mean?”
“You two looked awfully chummy at church. You’re a cute couple.”
“We aren’t a couple.” The ice chinked inside Lily’s glass as she took a sip of soda.
“Before he whisked you away in his truck, he looked ready to throttle Louise
Gillum. That woman makes me so mad. She’s such a busybody.”
Knowing how he’d defended her made Lily feel even worse for hurting him yesterday. “He was just being kind.”
Clara snorted. “Honey, believe me, I can recognize the difference between a man being kind and a man in love. Nate has all the symptoms of being completely smitten with you.”
Lily busied herself jotting down notes. “He’ll get over it. They always do.”
“Are you kidding? Not this man. He’s never really dated much since he came to town a few years ago. And he’s got a good reputation for honesty and reliability. He’s not like your other men, Flower.”
Her other men. Womanizers. Out-of-work cowboys. Rodeo bums. Liars and adulterers. But knowing Nate was the complete opposite of such men didn’t make it any easier.
“He’s definitely good with horses and he’s a good forest ranger, too,” Lily conceded.
And kind, handsome, self-assured, a hard worker and generous to a fault.
“So what do you think about him?” Clara persisted.
“I…I like him well enough, but…” After watching Clara put Louise in her place, Lily believed she could confide in her girlhood friend.
“But what?”
“He…he asked me to marry him, Clara. He claims he loves me.”
Lily still couldn’t believe it. How could Nate love her enough to marry her and provide a name for her unborn child when the baby wasn’t even his? She didn’t understand it. It just didn’t make sense.
Clara sat back in her chair with a thump and lifted the baby to her shoulder. Her gaze pinned Lily to the core, her mouth dropping open in surprise. “Well, I’ll be. And what did you say?”
Lily cupped her face in her hands, her words muffled. “I told him no.”
“Why?” The word burst from Clara’s mouth like a nuclear explosion and the baby jerked. And then, more quietly, Clara continued. “Why would you do that?”
Lily rested her hands across her stomach and stared at the table. “Because I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Nate. It’d be a marriage of convenience and nothing more. I can’t saddle him with a child that isn’t even his.”
“Why not? He knows what he’s getting himself into. He’s a big boy. Why can’t you marry him?”
Lily released a pensive sigh. In a soft whisper, she told Clara everything about Tommy and almost losing the baby. “Maybe not now, but years down the road, Nate would remember that he hadn’t fathered my child and he’d come to resent me. Maybe even hate me. And what about my baby? I can’t put this little girl through that. She deserves a mother and father who will love her unconditionally.”
Clara leaned Sandy back and gave her a bottle. “Have you contacted an adoption agency yet?”
“Not yet.” She just hadn’t been able to bring herself to do it, but she would. Soon.
“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” Clara asked.
“What I want is not as important as what’s right for this baby. I have to put my own selfish desires on hold.”
“And you think it’s selfish to keep your baby?”
“It is if I can’t give her a good life and raise her to be a good person.”
“Why do you believe complete strangers can love your child, but Nate can’t? Hundreds of people adopt sweet children they love every bit as much as they would a biological child. I have a cousin who has two adopted children and, believe me, there is absolutely no difference. They even look alike. Love knows no boundaries, Lily. Love makes everything possible. It’s the only thing that really matters in life.”
“Love didn’t work for Tommy and me.”
Clara pursed her lips. “I think that’s because he had a complication called a wife and kids. He had no business lying to you. That’s not love at all. A man like Tommy should never be allowed around women, children or small animals, either.”
Lily agreed and it stung to realize Tommy had never loved her. Not really. “But Nate would always know he married me, saddled with someone else’s child.”
Lily would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so sad. “I just don’t see how Nate could love me and my baby the way you and Michael love each other.”
“And you think giving your baby up for adoption to complete strangers would be better? No matter what, that little girl isn’t going to get her real father, Lily.” Clara pointed at Lily’s large stomach. “Now that I know what was going on, I would never let you go back to that horrible Tommy, even if he got a divorce. He’ll have a lot to explain to the Lord one day.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t go back to him. I can’t subject myself or my child to that horror ever again.” Not now that God had helped her finally break the cycle of abuse.
“Then wouldn’t it be better to marry Nate and keep your baby? You could be genuinely happy for the first time in your life. And he’d get to marry the woman he loves.”
“But I don’t think I love him.”
“You don’t think?”
Lily sighed, feeling confused. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
Clara’s breath left her in a quick whoosh. Here it was. The real crux of the problem. Even eight months ago, Lily might have married a man like Nate without thinking twice about how she felt about him. But now, she wanted to do what was right. Not what was convenient or easy. And marrying Nate without knowing deep in her heart that she loved him unconditionally wasn’t fair to anyone. Especially him.
“Nate deserves a woman who adores him,” Lily said.
“I agree. But he’s a very handsome, good man, with a lot of fine qualities. You don’t think you could ever love him?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I know what real love is.” A harsh laugh slid from Lily’s throat. “He barely knows me, Clara. He can’t love me this soon.”
“Oh, I don’t know. It was love at first sight for Michael and me.”
“Really?”
“Sure. The first moment we laid eyes on each other, we were crazy about one another. Even though I got pregnant, we didn’t have to get married. I could have considered adoption and gone on my merry way. But our feelings for each other haven’t changed in all these years. We love each other through thick and thin. We always have.”
“And you think Nate loved me at first sight?”
Clara nodded. “You can see it in his eyes, Lily. He lights up like a road flare every time you’re around. You’re so suspicious of every man who looks your way that you can’t see what real affection is anymore. And I’ve got news for you, girl. This is not just a simple case of the hots. Nate isn’t a young kid who might be having a crush. He’s a fully grown, mature man who knows how to handle himself and knows what he wants out of life. And right now, he wants you.”
Oh, boy! This was a hard pill for Lily to swallow. If Nate really did love her, then he must be hurting so much after her refusal. How could they continue to work together every day under such conditions? Eating dinner each night in her kitchen. Training, feeding and cleaning up after the horses.
“Maybe Nate’s feelings will soon change and he won’t love me anymore,” Lily said.
Clara laughed. “We’re talking about Nate, not Tommy. Maybe you’re the one who will change. You could realize you’ve been waiting all your life for a man like Nate.”
Not likely.
She needed Nate’s help, now more than ever. They were making great progress with several of the colts and should be able to sell several of them within the next month for a tidy sum. Lily was counting on that money to help get her and Dad caught up on their bills. Nate could recoup his money by selling her mother’s engagement ring. But without Nate, she and Dad would soon fall right back into financial duress.
Besides, the thought of never seeing Nate again filled Lily with utter and deep despair. If she didn’t love him, why would she feel that way? Why did she care about hurting him?
“What are you gonna do?” Clara asked.
Lily shook her head, feeling awful for
hurting Nate. “I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”
* * *
The first day of the town rodeo went well enough. The small motel in town had booked to capacity. Horse trailers pulled by trucks with camper shells filled the mobile home park on the edge of town. Lily sat in the stands with Dad, watching the barrel racing, roping and bronc riding as long as she could stand the heat. Then Nate insisted she go home to rest until later that evening.
“I’ve got this under control,” he said with a smile. “Between your ushers and my security force, we can handle any fights that break out or if we have any drunk and disorderlies.”
“You sure?” she asked, exhausted by the dry, sun-soaked air.
“I’m positive. But be back by seven o’clock. Clara invited me to show Toots in a cutting exhibition. It’s good advertisement for the horses we’re training and I don’t want you to miss the show.”
That sounded nice. Lily couldn’t believe the good work Nate had done with the little mare. Toots had become a highly skilled cutter and Dad had started filling out entrance applications for a number of upcoming competitions.
When Lily arrived back at the rodeo grounds at a quarter to seven, she sat with Dad in a shaded are of the stands and waited. Dust rose into the air as the crews working the corrals released twenty head of cows into the arena. Over the amplifier, the speaker announced Nate’s exhibition. Wearing leather chaps, boots and spurs, Nate rode out on Toots. Gone was the forest ranger she’d come to respect, replaced by a lean cowboy in full regalia.
A buzzer sounded and Lily leaned forward, her gaze pinned on Nate as he casually walked Toots through the herd of cattle. The cows milled about, moving aside to let the horse and rider through. One heifer became isolated and scampered to rejoin the herd. And that’s when Nate tapped the horse with his heels and Toots went into action. Working low, the horse kept her eyes on the cow. Anticipating every move the bovine might make, Toots turned, made quick starts and stops, maneuvering herself so the cow couldn’t get past. Nate simply sat on the horse, as though he were an appendage of the animal rather than a separate entity. Only when Nate gave a subtle signal did Toots allow the cow to return to the herd.