Perfectly Messy

by Lizzy Charles

  “Got it,” Alex says. “How’s the photo thing?”

  “Still happening. I’m getting over it though.” I force out a grin. “Actually, there are some benefits to it.”

  “How so?”

  “Girls at the U recognize me. Prospects are everywhere.” There’s that nag to click my brain out of douchebag mode and remember the feeling of Lucy in my arms. I can’t give into that though. It’s not an option. I’m moving on. The world is at my fingertips… all that and more.

  Alex laughs. “I don’t think you’ve ever had the problem of prospects, dude, and you probably never will. You’re freakin’ Justin Marshall.”

  Yeah, I’m freakin’ Justin Marshall!

  “But,” Alex says as he sits on the court to take off his Retro Air Jordan XIII’s, switching to street shoes, “that’s the thing. Are you?”

  “Uh…” That slimy feeling returns to my gut. Like I haven’t showered since I saw Lucy standing over me in the snow.

  “Remember last week at dinner? When I went to the bathroom at our big family meal? Okay, so don’t hate me. But I kind of looked through your phone.”

  “What?”

  “Sorry! I needed to know what was going on. You broke up with the love of your life and now you’re awol. I was worried.”

  “Don’t ever look at my phone again.”

  He holds up his hands as he stands up. “Dude. Calm down. I won’t.” He pulls on a pair of sweats over his shorts. “Justin, I’ve just got to know… why didn’t you reply to all of Lucy’s texts and calls? It’s not like you.” His words are venom to my soul.

  “It was necessary,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “Whatever you say, man, but that’s not the Justin I know.”

  I take the ball from him as we cross the parking lot. “People grow and change. It’s okay.”

  He doesn’t answer this time, instead biting his lip as we walk home. “No,” he says finally. “I’m sorry, it’s not okay. It’s not okay at all. I saw that other pic on your phone too.”

  My gut crashes through to the pavement. Crap. The one of the blond in the blue bra? I thought I deleted that.

  “Why is that there?”

  “Girls send them to me now. Like they are auditioning for a cameo in these stupid photos. They have no idea they’re fake.”

  “Your number is unlisted.”

  Okay, so maybe I’ve started handing out my number to girls after class, but I had no idea they’d be sending me selfies with puckered lips and way too much cleavage. Not that they’re not attractive, it’s just… so different. “They just find it.”

  “Right… So, are you dating again?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “No one interesting enough, I guess?”

  “Sure it’s because they aren’t Lucy?”

  “Lucy’s moved on, Alex.”

  He rolls his eyes. “You don’t see her at school anymore. She walks through the motions but the life and spark in her step are gone. She’s broken again, and it sucks.”

  Broken again?

  “You’re wrong. She’s stronger than that.”

  “I don’t know. Pretty sure she’s just excellent at putting on a good show.”

  I kick the last of a mound of brown snow in the air as my heart breaks through the douchebag wall I’ve built. I’m total scum.

  “You’re not lying, Alex, are you? There’s no way she can still like me after what I said to her.”

  “What did you say?”

  I cringe.

  “Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

  “I told her that we could still have benefits…”

  “What?” He punches me on the shoulder; the pain burrows deep. Frick. He’s gotten strong. “For, Lucy,” he says under his breath. He glares at me, the look of disappointment so thick in his eyes.

  “Alex, it was the only way to make a clean break. I knew the benefits thing would be so insulting that she’d step away.”

  “But why were you trying to get her to leave? I thought you loved her.”

  “I do!”

  “Then why the hell did you break up with her?”

  “It’s really hard to explain. The photos, they just took over everything. It was making her miserable. She deserved better than that.”

  “Honestly, the way she moves so lifelessly now, she had it better before.” The truth of his words twist the knife that I shoved into my gut the moment I told Lucy I wanted to break up.

  “Do you think she’d ever forgive me?”

  “Justin, come on. Believe a little. You know love is stronger than that.” He kicks snow at me, finally smiling again. “So are you done being a total fart now? The whole frat attitude is really getting old. Even Luke is getting sick of you. And the whole photo thing? Why isn’t that over yet? Uncle Jeff is the frickin’ governor. Just hire some photographer to follow you around when you’re alone with a girl. The moment a scandalous photo surfaces, show the proof that you and the chick were dressed and eating ice cream.”

  His words hit me like a two-by-four. “Alex…holy crap! You’re right!” We’re wasting time investigating this reality show guy, when we could put a stop to the photos right away. When we stop the photos, we can continue with the investigation. Hell, I don’t even care if we ever found out who did it. As long as the photos stopped, I’m thrilled.

  “Really?”

  “Yes!” I grab him by the back of the shirt and toss him in the car. “We’re going to go tell my dad right now.”

  “Can you drop me at home? Uncle Jeff’s not exactly a fan of me anymore.”

  “Alex, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have sat you down on New Year’s Day and lectured you like that.”

  “It sucked.”

  “Well, you deserved it. Plus, it’s way better than your dad doing it, right?”

  “For sure. Dad’s pissed about my grades right now.”

  “Why? You showed them to me. You’ve done so much better so far. A couple A’s and a few B’s for midterm. Not bad at all.”

  Alex taps the back of his head against the seat. “You don’t understand.”

  “Listen, I’m sick of you saying I don’t understand what’s happening in your life. I want to know what’s going on with you. You’re like my brother. Help me understand.”

  “Dad’s pissed because I’m not…”

  “Good at showering?”

  He doesn’t laugh, instead looking at the floor mat with the most solemn expression I’ve ever seen on him before. “Because I’m not you, Justin. He thinks I’m a fool.”

  Not me? Why the heck is Uncle Alex comparing Alex to me? I lost the James J. Hill House. I lost Lucy. I lost my frickin’ sanity. But it’s not like Uncle Alex knows any of this about me. Since the moment Jackson passed away, I’ve kept up with my act. My confidence, politeness, and brains all block everyone from seeing the truth: that I’m just as messed up as they are. In truth, trying to hide that fact may be the most messed up thing of all.

  “Justin,” Alex says, interrupting my self-loathing. “You’ve got to go get Lucy, man. I’ve heard of this thing called forgiveness. Pretty sure Lucy can do that.”

  “You think so?” The weight of one brick lifts from my chest and a want surfaces. No, a need. I need Lucy.

  “She’s back to being friends with Marissa now who, turns out, is actually pretty cool.”

  “Yeah, I noticed she’s changing. Good for her.”

  “Yeah. So…? Are you going to get her?”

  His question pours energy into my soul, giving it enough strength to throw off all the bricks I’ve used to burry my love for her. Suddenly, I’m needing and craving Lucy with more intensity than I’ve ever felt before.

  “Dude. Are you going?”

  “Am I? Yes. Should I? No. But I’m selfish, I need her back.”

  “Good for you, man!” That familiar bounce is back in his tone. It seems when I’m myself he’s more himself too.

  “Now
I just need to figure out a plan. No, not a plan. An epic plan. A way to sweep her off her feet. She’ll never see it coming. I bet I could get some of Dad’s contacts to help me get an in at—”

  “Don’t plan it, idiot,” Alex interrupts. “You don’t have any time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Lucy’s bringing Ian—as a date—to Watson’s party tonight.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Lucy

  There’s something magical about disappearing into a crowd. Ian looks back over his shoulder at me, eyes wide, as I leave for the bathroom. The moment I step away from his side, other girls pounce. He’s cute as he smiles back at me, rolling his eyes. He’s so not used to being the hot new guy. He’ll be okay though, he’s with Marissa. She’ll fend the girls off for me.

  It’s crazy how confident I am in that. I shouldn’t be with our history, but I trust her now. She hit rock bottom and has rebuilt in a way I have to respect, like the way she’s held her head high through school with those New Year’s Eve photos still floating around. I can’t do that at all.

  Who knew that Marissa could be so strong? In a non-witchy way?

  I run downstairs to the bathrooms outside of Watson’s home theatre. The line usually isn’t that long down there. I only have to wait for three people before I get my chance at total escape.

  I close the door, welcomed with the scent of vanilla bean. I sit on the floor, with my back against the door. No use looking in the mirror. There’s no way my makeup is smudged after all the primer I put on. Thanks to Laura’s hands and her super hairspray, my hair is Pinterest perfect tonight. It’s actually a really cool bun wrap thing with a side braid, but I don’t feel at all like myself. Maybe it’s because every cell in my body is fully aware that any moment Justin may walk through Watson’s front door. What if he brings a date? One of those girls from the photos? Laura said Luke saw him with a new brunette downtown. Seeing a girl on his arm would be almost as painful as the daily realization that I’ll never feel his embrace again. Thankfully, he hasn’t shown up and we’ve been here a while. Maybe he’s given this territory over to me too?

  Justin’s rarely in school now, except for his elective art and cooking courses, which keeps him grounded in high school, allowing him to take a near full course load through post-secondary. He probably could have started college a year early, but this way he could still be captain of the basketball team and get free college courses.

  It’s good he’s not there. If I had to see him every day, I’m pretty sure I’d just end up a puddle on the floor. Or suspended for yelling at him. Or expelled for punching him, if he seriously ever tried to take me up on benefits. What an ass.

  God, there’s so much I want to say to him. How could he yank the rug from underneath me like that? It’s not like he gave me any hints it was coming… except for how stressed and sad he had become, but I did everything I could to protect him from my own added stress. Other than that one time, I never let him see me cry about the photos. I always held it together for him.

  I worked so hard to keep things between us stable while he dealt with all the crap with his dad. It’s not fair that he couldn’t see that. That all he saw was a problem and he ran. There wasn’t a problem. I made sure of it. It’s almost like he snapped and became someone else.

  Love. It was so solid, then fleeting. I know it was there, we had it. I know it. Nothing has ever felt so real to me. But then love shouldn’t end so quickly. Love doesn’t work like that. Right?

  My heart jumps the moment my mind drifts to love. No, stupid soul. Don’t you dare start loving him again. You deserve someone who will actually love you back.

  I quickly pee, seizing the chance while the line isn’t ridiculously long. Okay, it’s time to go back out there. I blink a few times in the mirror, trying to brighten the blue of my eyes or something like that. I don’t know? Look alive? What if Ian makes a move and I’m dead-faced. Or, worse, what if I kiss like a corpse?

  Can heartbreak kill an ability to kiss?

  My stomach twists. I really don’t want to find out. Why am I doing this to myself? I’m not ready.

  Someone knocks on the door. Right, time to face the night.

  I step out to a large line. “Sorry,” I say. “Had no idea people were waiting out here.” My face flushes as I step away, thankful I didn’t actually spend that time pooping. The vanilla bean smell should clue them in that I was just fixing my hair or something.

  I dive back into the crowd, stopping briefly to chat with Jaclyn about the awesome prospect of a new coach. Anyone is better than Coach T. I excuse myself eventually to get back to Ian, not wanting to be rude. I duck under some idiot who’s playing invisible table tennis.

  Suddenly, there’s a light palm on my hip that sends sparks up my spin. Another hand rests on the small of my back, its heat radiating in a way that makes me want to melt to the floor.

  I freeze. Only one person on earth makes me feel this way. Justin.

  He leans in, warm breath on my ear. “You shouldn’t be here with him,” he whispers.

  “Oh?” I say after a few deep breaths.

  “You belong with me.”

  His hand finds mine and he lightly tugs. My heart thrashes wildly inside my chest, it’s taken over and soon I’m following him out the back door and out onto the abandoned back patio, out of the light, our breath visible in the air. Those strong, warm arms wrap around me, settling into their old place around my hips. “I’ve missed you, Lady,” he whispers in my ear.

  Lady? Warmth floods my chest. No, I’m stumbling into what he wants. This isn’t how it works anymore. Lady? No, I’m sorry, his Lady is supposed to be the one he loves. What he did to me? That’s not love.

  I step quickly out of his embrace. “Excuse me? I’m not your lady anymore.”

  Justin reaches out. “Lucy, I’m sorry. God,” he yanks his hands through his hair. “I miss you so much. I’m sorry. I was stupid.”

  “You call what you did stupid?” Laughter flies from my chest. I’ve shifted into total maniac mode. “No, Justin. You showed your true colors. I’m not playing your game.”

  “This isn’t a game, Luce.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Yes. Please.” That look in his eyes hurts but I’m not an idiot. I know what he wants.

  “I refuse to be a benefit when you feel like it. That’s not how love works.”

  Justin groans. “Lucy, you don’t honestly believe I meant that?”

  Believe him?

  “About the benefits?” He swears. “I said that to get you to hate me.”

  “Get me to hate you?” Why would he do that? I glare at him, adrenaline turning my blood sour. “Congratulations. It worked.”

  “Lucy, I love—”

  “Don’t say it.” My chest burns with hope. The pain is too much. No. I refuse to go through this again. “I’ve moved on.”

  “Hear me out. I broke up with you to protect you, Lucy, from the photos. That’s over now. News will break tomorrow, exposing all of the photos as false. My name will be cleared. It’ll be easier now.”

  “Easier? Easier? Don’t lecture me about easy, Justin. Breaking my heart was the right thing to do? I’m sorry. I don’t call that easy at all.”

  “You must have known though, Lucy. I still love you. Haven’t stopped.”

  I rub my temple. “Let me get this straight. You loved me, so you dumped me to protect me from the drama?”

  “Exactly.” He holds out his hands for me to come to him. Uh, no.

  “Justin, I didn’t even let you see the drama. I held it together for you.”

  “Right, and that was wrong too. I knew the photos were killing you, but you wouldn’t share that with me at all. I heard you on the phone when I called you that afternoon. You were bawling your eyes out.”

  He heard me? Then why didn’t he respond? He’s demented. Instead of feeling loved, he’s stirred an angry fire in my soul.

  “So, you heard me cry? T
hen you pretended you didn’t have service, texted, and came over to end everything.”

  He doesn’t answer. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  “Oh my God. Do you realize what a jerk you are? You can’t honestly believe you broke up with me to protect me still, do you?”

  “I did it because I love you.”

  I take a step closer to him now. “No,” I whisper. “You broke up with me because you couldn’t handle the situation. It wasn’t perfect anymore.”

  “I was handling it fine.”

  “Were you? Instead of reaching out and welcoming my emotions, you broke up with me. I was too much for you. The photos made everything fall apart. The moment life didn’t feel perfect anymore, you bolted.” I step past him, ready to say goodbye forever. No, he doesn’t even deserve a goodbye now, but I can’t help but look back one last time.

  “Your conceit and pride in perfection ruined us. Not those photos. Those photos were fake, what you did was real.”

  I slide open the back door, stepping back into the crowd. My face feels wild but I don’t care. I stomp up the stairs and find Ian in the corner. He’s hanging out with Luke and Laura. Marissa’s sitting a few feet away, swinging her legs on a bar stool.

  “Long line?” she says.

  “Something like that.” I slide past her with a fake smile and take Ian’s hand. He wraps his other hand around mine as he continues to talk to Luke about the logistics behind the latest Zombie film. Ian’s hand is warm, the calluses from playing his guitar are thick on his fingertips.

  Marissa’s eyes smile at me as she climbs back on her stool. The last time I was here, she was dancing on tables. Now, she’s the calm, relaxed girl. It’s still odd to see her without a swarm of icky guys following her. I don’t think they even recognize her anymore.

  I study her as I try to push my confrontation with Justin from my mind. How come she isn’t always so pissed at her life? Her mom’s a drunk. Her dad’s always absent, even when they’re in the same room. She brings her camera to her face and snaps a few photos of the crowd. No wonder she’s always loved photography. It’s her only escape.

  Occasionally, her eyes flicker my direction but they don’t land on me. They land on Ian.