by Cody Wagner
My parents must have noticed the mood swing; the change in my voice reeked of sadness. With Jimmy’s death, my moodiness was way more pronounced. In that regard, I wasn’t the old Blaize. But it had nothing to do with being gay. And I think my parents knew that, because it was the one thing they were sensitive to. While they didn’t know how Jimmy had died, they knew I’d lost a friend.
Dad let out a long sigh.
“We just want you to get better,” he said.
My entire body stiffened. He could have said anything, and I might have turned around and offered some appreciation for their respect toward Jimmy. Anything but that. We just want you to get better. He used that damn sentence last year to get out of every difficult conversation. I’d heard it about a million times.
Hanging my head, I gave up talking to them and moped to my room. There, I collapsed on my bed and stared at the picture of Jimmy until finally nodding off around midnight.
Three
Paradise
Going into summer break, I had this amazing daydream. In it, my parents got the reports from Sanctuary showing how awesome I was. At first, Mom and Dad were skeptical. But by the time summer ended, they circled me in a group hug, promising me a new Corvette and talking (awkwardly) with me about boyfriends.
In reality, I spent the last days of summer hiding in my room pretending to pack. Talk about weird. The few times I saw Mom, she said, “What were you up to today?” Each time, I shrugged and replied, “Oh, just trying to get packed up.” Acting as if it really took days to pack, she said, “Good. You don’t want to wait until the last minute.”
Lying on my bed the night before we left for school, I did another imaginary tour of the Sanctuary campus. This time, my thoughts led me to the Pumpkin Bash. What was better than groups of teenagers fighting over a giant pumpkin filled with garbage? Nothing.
No, that wasn’t true. Jimmy being around to fight over it would have been better.
I rolled onto my side, away from his portrait. When I was alone, Jimmy invaded my thoughts constantly. I desperately needed an escape, but it wouldn’t come until I arrived at Sanctuary’s wrought-iron gates.
Maybe.
That’s something that had been bugging me for weeks. What if I got there and memories of Jimmy were so strong, I became more miserable at Sanctuary than Pamata? Would every building or teacher or plate of Mending Mashed Potatoes remind me of him? That would be the worst thing ever.
Groaning really loudly, I jumped up. The solitude in my room and being trapped in my head were killing me. Normally, I’d have escaped using Molly. Her bedroom was right next to mine and we passed hours talking into the heater vents connecting our rooms. Sound traveled between them and our parents never knew. It was pretty cool. We told jokes and tried to burp the loudest. Once, I farted into my vent as she was talking. She coughed as if it had actually traveled the twenty feet to her.
Sadly, Molly was at a friend’s house. Being seven, my parents deemed her “old enough to spend the night” and I hadn’t seen her in a couple days. It was definitely some type of punishment for me. My parents weren’t dumb and knew Molly and I were close. Then the thought, They don’t want you to turn her gay, flew through my head and it was too much.
Flopping to the floor, I began cranking out push-ups. After twenty or so, I flipped over and did sit ups. Then I started leaping back and forth across my bed. Exercise always helped clear my head. Not that I was a jock or anything. I just carried around tons of nervous energy and this was my way of letting it out.
After twenty minutes of random room exercises, sweat poured down my face. The adrenaline or whatever pumping through my system made me feel better. Collapsing on the bed, I wiped my head across the pillow. The resulting giant sweat stain was gross, but it was my way of saying, Suck on that, Mom and Dad!
* * * * *
The next morning, Mom made a huge breakfast of Purifying Pancakes and Evil-Be-Gone Bacon. I didn’t know if she was giving me an I’m gonna miss you send-off or celebrating my departure. Either way, I barely ate anything. Sanctuary was calling to me and I wanted to get there. I nibbled at a few things—saying how good it was to appease Mom—then practically threw my plate in the sink.
“Such muscles!” Mom said, taking the dish and loading it into the dishwasher.
I rolled my eyes and went to my room to get my bag. Looking around for the last time, I thought of Molly. Last year, she’d crawled up onto my lap before I left for Sanctuary. She was there for me during one of the worst moments of my life. This time, she was still at her stupid friend’s house. My last freaking night at home and Molly wasn’t even around to send me off. Cussing to myself, I grabbed my bag and hauled it outside.
Dad loaded up our white Toyota Camry as I dropped my million-pound luggage onto the driveway with a grunt.
“Just about ready for you.” Dad said, shuffling things around the trunk.
I nodded and pulled the suitcase over to him. Without a word, he hefted it up and set it next to boxes marked “Clothes” and “Dishes.”
“Are we making a pit stop?” I asked.
He gestured at the boxes. “Just want to drop this stuff off at Goodwill.”
I groaned out loud; any detour meant getting to Sanctuary later.
Dad crossed his arms and gave me a disappointed glare.
I immediately realized how selfish I was being. “Um…Did you remember to add my old ski pants?”
His posture relaxed, and he nodded.
“Cool. You ready?”
Mom must have sensed our pending departure because she emerged from the house. A gigantic sweatshirt hung off her frame. I shook my head. Always modest mom. She kept in shape but never showed too much skin.
“May your journey be impervious to harm.”
Despite the tension, I laughed. Mom’s vocabulary jumped out at the weirdest times.
Seeing me smiling, Mom’s face softened. I could practically hear her thinking, There’s my Blaize.
Of course, I wanted to say, “I never left.” Instead, I replied, “I’m sure the trip will be impregnable.”
Mom squinted at me. I had no idea if I’d used the right word. Then she reached out and hugged me. I was swallowed up by her sweater and, after a second, hugged her back. When we separated, her eyes were wet.
That was the frustrating part. Despite all the weirdness, these genuine family moments popped out at the most random times.
I knew it wouldn’t last and, before she could throw out a weird statistic or healing fact, I turned and went to the Toyota’s back door. It was locked.
“Here,” said Dad, pressing a button on his key chain. He didn’t give a second glance to the fact I wasn’t sitting up front with him. He must have seen it coming—last year, I refused to sit next to him—and that was fine with me. The car clicked, and I pulled open the door then yelled in surprise.
Molly lay in the back seat, her head resting on her arms.
The shock of seeing a human sent me sprawling backward. It’s like Freddy Krueger was sleeping in the back seat. Dad went into protective mode and leapt in front of me. “Blaize!?” He stuck his arms out to shield me from the car intruder. Then he looked inside and gasped, “Molly?”
Molly jerked awake and rubbed her eyes.
Mom flew to the car. “What are you doing, young lady?”
“Going with you,” she said. She spoke as if it were the most casual statement in the world. Then she sat up, grabbed a Barbie, and began fixing its hair.
I covered my mouth.
Dad crossed his arms. “You’re supposed to be at Jennifer’s.”
She turned the Barbie upside down and pretended to examine its feet. “Didn’t go.”
“Have you been here all night?!” Mom’s voice was frantic.
Molly shrugged.
At that, they proceeded to mega lecture her. I was so incredibly touched I couldn’t even listen. Molly had slept in the car all night so she could go with me to Sanctuary. I had no idea how she�
�d unlocked the car—she was too smart for her own good. More importantly, no matter how hard my parents tried to separate us, Molly fought harder to keep us close.
I barged between my parents—who were ordering her out “this instant”—then climbed into the car and hugged her.
Mom and Dad stopped. I’m sure they weren’t expecting that. This was the happy family they wanted back, and they looked at each other for a good minute.
Finally, Mom dropped her arms. “Well, I guess if it means that much, you can go.”
Molly shrugged again as if saying, Duh.
I laughed, grabbed the head of her Barbie and spun it in a circle. “Possessed Barbie. Coming to stores near you.”
Molly giggled. Dad actually smiled and, after kissing Mom, rounded the car and got in.
Mom came up and said, “Love you.”
I didn’t know who she was talking to, but Molly and I both said, “Love you, too.”
At that, Mom shut the car door, stood on the porch, and watched us drive away.
* * * * *
The trek to Sanctuary was infinitely better with Molly around. If Dad and I were alone, it would have been full of awkward silences and failed attempts at conversation. He was desperate to set me up with Roze, so that would have resulted in a barrage of uncomfortable questions. (DAD: “So…Is Roze a looker.” ME: “She definitely has eyes and can look. So yes, she is a looker.” DAD: “But is she hot?” ME: “Yeah, Atlanta is warm in the summer from what I hear.”)
With Molly bringing her kiddie charm, the tension faded. She and I played cheesy car games and made up words to songs on the radio. Dad, looking wistful, even joined in at one point, saying “I came in like a terabyte hard drive,” to that dumb Miley Cyrus song. Molly and I stared at each other and busted out laughing. Man, it felt good to smile again, and Molly and I touched shoulders the entire time. It’s like we were Siamese twins that, if separated, would somehow make the car implode.
It was late afternoon when pine trees began popping up everywhere, and I knew we were getting close to Forreston, Arkansas. Sanctuary was situated nearby, which made my heart race and I started zoning out of our games. Freedom from my parent’s constant focus on GAY! GAY! GAY! beckoned me. I was also nervous that Jimmy’s death would infect everything on campus.
On top of that, Molly got sadder and sadder. She stopped making eye contact with me, although her shoulder remained against mine. As much as she tried to smile, I knew she was going to miss me. It made me feel guilty about being excited to leave the family.
All that turmoil caused my breath to catch in my throat as the giant rectangle of trees separating the school from the world appeared off in the distance. I began wiggling my toes in my sneakers, feeling like I might need a paper bag to breath in.
The entire car went silent as Dad turned into the campus grounds. The road made a big lasso around the library, the giant Classroom Center, and the outdoor amphitheater. As we started around it, I stared at the stage. Even from a distance, I could see, in my mind’s eye, Jimmy performing a monologue he once delivered for a play.
Oddly enough, I smiled.
Then I turned and looked east, across the road lasso to my right. The plain white gymnasium and exercise field looked just as I’d left them. Images of myself, Jimmy, Roze, and Cassie popped into my head. Last year, we’d worked out for weeks to get Jimmy into shape. I’d also attempted pull-ups for hours when the popular—but horrible—jocks asked me to join them.
The smile on my face grew. I looked at the Admissions Building—at the top of the lasso—and more memories warmed me. Memories of visiting Jimmy in the fancy room—given to him after a failed Siren attack—flooded into me. Tears sprouted in my eyes but there was joy behind them.
Finally, we approached the dorms and cafeteria located across the west side of the road lasso. They seemed to welcome me with their plain but clean walls. I remembered Roze and I holding weird eating competitions, and Roze and Cassie conducting weird debates, and Cassie and I starting weird conversations, and Jimmy and I…well…just about everything he did was weird.
I started laughing.
“Everything OK back there?”
I glanced up to see Dad staring at me in the rear-view mirror as he pulled into the parking lot next to the twelve-to-fifteen-year-old dormitory.
“Yes,” I said. And I meant it. Before the car even stopped, I opened the door and hopped out. Like a scene from those old cheesy movies, I wanted to stick out my arms and spin around in circles.
But I didn’t. While being one of the jerk jocks didn’t interest me anymore, I didn’t want to be labeled as the weird spinny guy. Instead, I looked up at the clear blue sky and took deep breaths. Jimmy was here, but not in the depressing way I’d expected. Instead, it was like his spirit—warm and goofy and welcoming—permeated the school. It was his home, after all. And mine.
“Hey loser.”
I flew back and shrieked. So much for not being the weird guy.
“Smooth.”
I looked up to see Roze Merrill standing there, arms crossed, but smiling at me.
I grinned back despite myself. Damn, it felt good to see her again. Of course, I couldn’t say that to her. Cassie maybe, but definitely not Roze. We weren’t the touchy-feely type to each other. And I loved that about our friendship; we could be snarky and fun and competitive.
I stared her up and down. Her dark skin glowed from being out in the heat. She wore massive earrings that had probably been forced on her by her parents to make her more “lady-like.”
“Nice hula hoops,” I said, reaching up to touch her ears.
She pushed my hand away but immediately pulled the earrings out, stashing them in her pocket. Then we proceeded to push each other a bit. We were seriously like kids on the playground.
“Roze!” Molly flew against Roze’s legs and squeezed them.
I looked at Roze and shrugged. Although I’d mentioned her to Molly while we talked through the heater vent in Pamata, they’d never met. So I had no idea how Molly knew it was Roze. That was the sort of intuitive crap Molly did.
Roze reached down and patted her back. “Hi, Molly.” She then mouthed, I love her, to me.
Then the three of us just stood there, awkwardly smiling at each other. That’s when I noticed Dad behind Roze, grinning right along with us. Only his expression was different. I’m sure he could practically hear wedding bells. I grimaced; talk about a mood killer.
“So, you’re Roze?” Dad stuck out his hand. “I’ve heard so much about you.” He then turned to me and whispered, “She’s cute.” I was mortified, but shouldn’t have been surprised: Roze was super-athletic and kept in good shape.
Rose smiled back. “Nice to meet you. It’s nice to see the parent of a friend.”
I winced. She’d purposely stressed friend. Leave it to Roze to cut right to the chase.
Dad’s excitement dropped. “Oh. Friends.” He stared at us, as if mentally forcing feelings on us.
“Yeah, this isn’t weird.” I finally said.
Dad’s head jerked from whatever daydream he was having. “Let me grab your suitcase.”
He shook Roze’s hand again then went to the car. As he hauled my bag from the trunk, Molly grabbed my leg and began rambling to Roze about our trip. Dad came back just as she was saying, “And I know you could totally beat Blaize at the license plate game.”
“Smart kid,” Roze said.
“More like a traitor,” I retorted.
Molly laughed.
“Want us to take you to your room?” Dad asked.
I hesitated. Sure, I should have been polite and invited them in. After all, they’d just driven several hours. But I couldn’t let go of what happened last summer when Dad had walked me around campus. Insane homophobic propaganda lined the walls of our dorm. The video games in the lobby had even been changed from Mortal Kombat to Kombat the Gay. It was all an act to fool our parents, but Dad didn’t know, and he kept talking about how great it was. H
earing him tell me to “Eat more Healing Hamburgers, in case they work!” would destroy the nice trip we’d just had.
Shoving my hands into my shorts pockets, I murmured, “Um…no thanks. I think I’ve got it from here.”
At that, I felt Molly’s grip tighten around my leg. I glanced down to see her bite her lip. A pang of guilt ran through my chest. She’d come all this way, and I was about to abandon her.
However, before I crumbled and gave in for her, Molly kissed my leg and tore off for the car. “Come on, Dad. Let’s play!” Her voice was way too enthusiastic—she was doing this for me—but Dad smiled. Part of me thinks he was relieved at having an excuse to go. That was alright because most of me was OK with him leaving. I was not OK with Molly taking off without a gesture from me, so I formed my hands into a heart. When she saw it, a real smile appeared, and I felt better.
“Well, I guess we’d better hit the road.” Dad brushed at his pants leg then, without warning, pulled me into a hug. It was the first time he’d hugged me all summer. I froze, unsure of what to do. And I had no idea what had brought this on. Maybe he felt safer touching me at what he thought was an anti-gay school. Or maybe it was actually for a nice reason. Either way, I didn’t move until he let go.
“Nice to meet you, Roze.” He shook her hand again.
“Ditto.”
“Be good to Blaize.”
I cringed at his lovey-dovey tone.
Roze simply shrugged. “If he deserves it.”
At that, Dad forced his own laugh, walked to the car, and climbed in. Before he took off, I sprinted to the back door and tore it open. Leaning in, I hugged Molly. She immediately hugged me back and I whispered, “Thanks. I owe you. A lot.”
As I pulled back, she said, “Duh.”
I laughed and shut the door. As the car made its way down the road lasso, I saw Molly’s face appear in the back windshield. She sat there, waving at us, until the car exited the campus and turned onto the road leading back to Texas.