Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  My stomach rumbles so I grab a quick sandwich and feed Shadow who’s circling my legs. I think she wants that walk I promised her and, by the look of how grey it is outside now, it had better be soon. The sky has changed from bright blue and clear to solid grey and murky.

  I run upstairs to grab my boots, forcing them on over Leeward’s old, thick socks. In the hall I pull on my coat over the dungarees, yank off the headscarf and fluff up my hair a bit. I attach Shadow’s tartan lead to her collar. She looks adorable even if I don’t, but I’m only going to be half an hour at most and it’s so dingy outside that no one will see me.

  Once in the park Shadow’s excitement is evident, her tail is wagging and her ears are up. She starts to run and that’s when I realise that I’ll have to run with her as I’m too scared to let her off her lead in case she runs off and doesn’t come back. Yesterday’s walk had been a very sedate affair, but she’d probably already had a big walk by the time I picked her up from Dogs Are Home.

  After just a few minutes I’m sweating and puffing and panting. As we pass another dog walker, he winks at me. I look away and decide I won’t be making eye contact with anyone else. There are far more people in here than I ever expected. Dare I chance letting Shadow off her lead? Happily, and suddenly, she spots a tree that takes her interest and spends a few minutes sniffing it, which gives me some time to recover. I’m so hot I want to take my coat off but then my paint-splattered dungarees will be on full display and I’ll have to carry my coat as well as cling onto Shadow’s lead. Maybe I’ll just unbutton it to let some air in.

  Shadow is off again and I’m struggling to keep up, my coat flapping around me. I hadn’t realised I was quite so unfit and the effort of keeping my head down isn’t helping either.

  Mercifully she stops again for another sniff. But this time it’s not a tree, it’s another dog. A tiny little thing that holds its head up, refusing to be cowed by a bigger dog.

  ‘What’s your name?’ A male voice, deep and seductive, asks, while a large hand pats Shadow’s head.

  ‘She’s Shadow,’ I answer, trying to control my puffing and panting and pulling on Shadow’s lead to encourage her to walk away while forcing myself not to look at the man.

  ‘She’s got some energy. I saw you racing with her when you were right over the other side of the park. Can’t she be trusted not to run away?’

  ‘No,’ I say, gulping air. ‘I’ve only just got her.’

  ‘You need to get one of these.’ He thrusts his hand under my nose and shows me his lead. ‘It’s retractable, saves you having to run a marathon.’ I glance at the tiny dog and wonder if it really needs a retractable lead, it looks as though it couldn’t run anywhere fast.

  Mentally, I add another item to my ever-growing shopping list.

  ‘This little one is new too, we only got her recently,’ the man continues. ‘This is only her second walk. Her name is Daenerys.’ He rubs his dog’s ears.

  ‘Daenerys? From Game of Thrones?’ I don’t succeed in keeping the note of derision from my voice.

  ‘Yes. I know, but what can I say? My partner chose it.’ He laughs and his laugh is so infectious I can’t help but smile along with him and finally, I look into his face. This conversation has gone on too long for me not to.

  He’s very attractive and a pair of piercing, smiling blue eyes meet mine. My stomach does a little flip. He reminds me of Thor as played by Chris Hemsworth; I don’t know how many Thor films there are but I know Leeward has made me sit through them all several times each. This guy even has Thor’s sexy beard and shoulder length hair. And he’s wearing brown leather, even that reminds me of Thor’s breastplate.

  I wish I wasn’t wearing the painting dungarees.

  ‘Our dogs seem to be getting along well,’ he says, his voice a sexy growl.

  ‘Yeah.’ I can’t look at the dogs because I can’t take my eyes off him. I’m letting myself slyly appraise him and hoping that he isn’t doing the same to me. He’s big; tall, with big shoulders and dirty-blonde hair. My stomach does another little flip. Shame he’s got a partner. Who knew dog walkers were so attractive? Except me, I’m definitely not at my most attractive today.

  ‘No doubt we’ll meet again if you live locally?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I manage again, smiling and pulling my coat across me and holding it closed. ‘Better get on. Come on, Shadow.’ Shadow takes no notice, so I yank on her lead. ‘Bye, Daenerys.’

  ‘Bye to the both of you,’ Thor says, laughing and pulling his little dog along beside him.

  After I’ve walked away, under the pretext of checking on Shadow who is very reluctant to leave her new friend, I allow myself a quick glance in Thor’s direction. Wow, what a man. What a shame I look such a mess. In future I must always make an effort with my appearance when walking my dog.

  No, I won’t. I am NOT looking for a man.

  Shadow finally comes to heel and after her encounter with Daenerys doesn’t seem quite so energetic. We carry on walking, albeit briskly, around the park. I’m taking in the greenery, which looks almost olive coloured under the dark grey sky. It is definitely going to rain. Right on cue a heavy raindrop lands on my nose. I pull my hood up and put my head down, urging Shadow on.

  Bang.

  I’ve walked into someone.

  How stupid am I?

  I see the phone in his hand. So, he obviously wasn’t looking where he was going either.

  ‘Sorry,’ I mumble at the same time as he does.

  Hang on, I recognise that voice.

  ‘Lauren?’ he says.

  ‘Leeward,’ I squeak. ‘What are you doing here?’ In my head I’m imagining that he has found out about my new house and is now stalking me.

  ‘Taking a walk,’ he says. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Walking my dog. This is my local park.’ So take that, Leeward Quinn. I have a dog because I can do whatever I like now.

  ‘Oh yeah, cute.’ He glances down at Shadow who is now sitting at my feet. ‘What is it?’

  ‘It’s a Heinz,’ I spit, sounding just like Grimmy.

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Oh never mind.’

  We then stand for a few seconds. The silence is awkward. I feel angry and sad at the same time. I almost forget what he did to me, his betrayal with her; I remember the good times, the fun we used to have. And looking at him now it’s easy to remember why I fell in love with him, he looks amazing, obviously still going to the gym. I hear a long sigh come from Leeward.

  ‘So why are you here? In this park, I mean.’

  ‘Look,’ he starts. ‘I’ve moved.’

  I don’t reply. I don’t admit I already know or that Kenton tells me everything.

  ‘Anyway, this is my local park too,’ he adds.

  I feel sick to the core. I don’t even know what he’s doing in the park, he would never go out for a walk with me. Please don’t let us be neighbours, please don’t.

  ‘Where have you moved to?’ I ask, despite not wanting to know even though I need to know.

  He points to the opposite side of the park and names the road, the relief washes over me and blots out most of what he is saying, all I catch is new build.

  ‘What about you?’

  ‘Other side,’ I say, vaguely pointing in the general direction of my new home. I don’t name the street or give him any more information.

  ‘I hope you’re okay, now.’

  ‘You what?’ I can’t believe what he’s just said. Why do I get the impression he thinks I’ve been ill, a madness even, and that’s what caused our break up? Stop it, Lauren, you’re being neurotic.

  ‘Your wrist…’

  ‘Oh that, yeah it’s fine.’

  ‘How’s work?’

  ‘Fine. How’s your work?’

  ‘Same old, same old.’ He smiles and it incenses me.

  ‘What, still working late and staying away overnight at every opportunity?’

  ‘Oh, L-a-u-r-e-n,’ he says, followed by anothe
r sigh.

  Over his shoulder I can see Thor striding towards us, his little dog tucked under his arm. He’s going at quite a pace. Perhaps he can see the antipathy between me and Leeward, sense the animosity and he’s coming to rescue me. Just throw the hammer, I think, throw the hammer and take Leeward out.

  ‘Hey again,’ Thor says as he reaches us.

  ‘Hi,’ I simper.

  Leeward turns around and smiles at Thor.

  ‘Finished your calls?’ Thor asks Leeward. ‘Only it’s going to lash it down in a minute.’ These two know each other? Ah, is this another lodger to help pay the bills in the new house.

  ‘Um, yeah.’

  ‘Supposed to be a day off and he has to take work calls. What are you like, Lee?’ Thor rolls his eyes at me in a jokey way. Lee, Thor just called him Lee; I was never allowed to call him Lee. Maybe he just does it and Leeward can’t stop him. ‘Hey, you two know each other. What a small world. Do introduce us.’ Thor turns a megawatt smile on us both.

  ‘Yeah, this is Lauren,’ Leeward’s voice isn’t much more than a mumble.

  Thor holds his hand out to shake mine and as I offer my own clammy little mitt, it’s enveloped in a big, warm, bear paw. Such big, strong hands.

  ‘I’m Alfie,’ Thor says in his deep, rich voice.

  ‘Alfie?’ My voice is a squeaky mumble. ‘Alfie?’ I turn to Leeward. ‘The Alfie?’

  ‘We’d better go now, rain’s starting,’ Leeward says, dodging past me and urging Alfie away.

  He’s right too, the drops start to fall thick and heavy now. I don’t move. I just stand there watching the two of them marching away. Alfie so big and Thor-like and Leeward scampering along to keep up with Thor’s giant strides and so, well, Gollum-like. Back to their lovely, new-build on the other side of the park. Their own little, or probably big, love nest.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket.

  Ten

  I’m on the phone to Cat before I’ve even got out of the park. Once I’d pulled myself together, closed my mouth which was hanging open in shock, I couldn’t march home fast enough, even Shadow knew better than to mess with me.

  ‘And, and,’ I’m ranting, ‘He, Alfie, the Thor god, didn’t even know who I was. When Leeward, who Alfie is allowed to call Lee, by the way, introduced us, he didn’t even flinch, not a flicker of recognition. Nothing. He’s never heard of me. Leeward, no, Lee, was cringing, but Alfie, no, he was just fine. I don’t think he even suspects who I am. I don’t think he even knows Leeward had a fiancée. What do you think, Cat? What’s your take on it all?’ I’ve reached my front door and now I’m fumbling with my key while trying to keep my phone to my ear and not let go of Shadow’s lead.

  ‘Are you sure that’s Alfie? I mean…’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, bursting through the door and letting go of Shadow who bolts for the kitchen and her water bowl before I can even remove her lead. ‘I asked him, I said, “Is this the Alfie?” and he said “yes.”’

  ‘Oh. My. God.’

  ‘Yeah. Quite.’

  ‘What’s he like?’

  ‘I’ve told you, he looks like Thor, you know, as played by Chris Hemsworth. You do know what he looks like?’

  ‘Hot. Very hot.’

  ‘Yes, exactly. And Leeward looks the hottest I’ve ever seen him, really buffed up and gym fit.’

  ‘I bet that’s where they met.’ As Cat drops this bombshell, I just know she’s right. The timing fits perfectly. ‘I wonder if they met at the gym,’ Cat muses. ‘Or if Leeward started with the gym because they’d already met?’

  ‘I feel sick. Don’t say any more.’ It had been Leeward’s idea to improve ourselves for our wedding, he at the gym, me on a perpetual starvation diet.

  ‘Okay.’

  I take a few deep breaths and shrug myself out of my wet coat.

  ‘You still there,’ Cat asks, gently.

  ‘Yes. Yes. Just, you know…’

  ‘Did he look…gay?’ Cat’s voice is tentative.

  ‘No. He looked hot; I’ve just told you. They both did. And I look like crapola in my painty clothes.’ I bend over to take my ankle boots off. ‘Oh SHIT, oh SHIT,’ I shout.

  ‘What? What’s wrong?’

  ‘I’m wearing odd boots. For fuck’s sake, how did that happen?’

  There’s a silence on the other end of the phone. It goes on too long. Far too long, the silence so solid that Cat must have her phone on mute.

  ‘You’re bloody laughing, aren’t you?’

  A snort comes out of the phone followed by a ‘Sorry.’

  ‘It’s not funny.’

  ‘No, of course it’s not.’

  ‘It bloody isn’t.’ But even I can see how it might seem to someone else.

  ‘Perhaps they didn’t notice.’

  ‘I bet they bloody did. Lee,’ I say his name in a whiny, silly voice, ‘Never misses a thing and Alfie was bent over by my feet for ages talking to Shadow and stroking her. He definitely saw.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I took a photo,’ I say, ‘Of them walking away. I don’t even feel guilty or creepy now because they’re probably having a good snigger about my boots.’

  ‘Send it, send it to me.’

  I think for a moment. ‘No. I’ll show you when I see you.’

  ‘Send it. What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘I don’t want it getting out there.’

  ‘And you think I’d do that?’ Cat sounds cross.

  ‘No. Not you. No, of course not. But, you know, once it’s out there in the ether, who knows where it might end up.’ I’ll never get over the video of me screeching that awful song, I’ll never forget that and I will never let something like that happen again. I’ve never found out who posted it, even though the poster’s name was all over it, he/she didn’t seem to exist. Cat had said they’d obviously closed their account; I think they probably only created it to post that video. I will never get caught like that again.

  ‘It’ll only be on my phone.’

  ‘No. Come here. You haven’t seen my house yet anyway.’

  ‘I know and we’re due to come at the weekend, I can’t wait that long. I’ll come tonight between dropping Natalia off and picking up the boys from football practice. I have a spare fifty minutes. Seven okay?’

  ‘Yes. Sounds good. I even have wine.’ Just the one bottle I treated myself to at the supermarket before I realised I’d have to spend so much money on everything else.

  ‘A whole bottle just for you?’ Her voice is censorious.

  ‘Oh yeah. Maybe not.’ I’ll save it for another day. Sometimes I completely forget that Cat doesn’t drink, sometimes I wish she would, if only to keep me company.

  ‘Um, Cat,’ I say, remembering what Grimmy had said about Natalia. ‘Did you know that Natalia’s been on Tinder?’ I hold the phone away waiting for her to screech.

  ‘Oh, yes. Well, no she’s not. She was just showing it to Grimmy.’

  ‘When? Why?’

  ‘Oh, I forget.’

  ‘No you don’t.’ I already don’t like the sound of this. I wish I’d kept my big mouth shut.

  ‘Christmas, I think. I’ll see you later.’

  ‘No, wait. Why was Natalia showing Grimmy Tinder?’

  ‘Grimmy just wants you to be happy, that’s all.’

  ‘I am happy,’ I snap.

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I told her. See you later.’

  So Grimmy has everyone involved in finding me a man even though I’ve told her I don’t bloody want one. Not everyone needs three husbands!

  Cat has my phone in her hands and is scrutinising the photo carefully and has enlarged it to get a better view.

  ‘I wish you’d send this to me. I could put it on the computer and get a better look.’

  ‘No. And that’s exactly what I mean. Put it on the computer, make another copy. Then what?’

  ‘Nothing. I wouldn’t do anything.’

  ‘Yes, but supposing one of the kids innocently uploaded it to F
acebook or Instagram.’

  ‘They wouldn’t,’ Cat says, shaking her head and frowning. ‘But I get your point. Can’t you put it on your laptop so we could see it better?’

  ‘No, because that’s another copy, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, but yours. Do you think you’re being a bit paranoid?’

  ‘Probably. But if it ever got out, they’d know where it came from.’

  ‘He is hot, though. What I can see of him, that is. And tall.’

  ‘Yeah, like Thor.’

  ‘Not,’ Cat says, ‘That that excuses your ex-fiancé’s behaviour.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t.

  ‘They do look quite comical. Giant Thor,’ she affects a very deep voice quickly followed a high-pitched one. ‘And tiny Gollum.’

  ‘Don’t call him that and he doesn’t have a squeaky voice.’

  ‘Did he have to run to keep up with Thor?’

  I snigger. ‘Yes, a bit.’

  Cat laughs too much for my liking. ‘I wish I’d seen it. You should have videoed it.’

  ‘Enough. Stop it. Imagine how I feel?’

  ‘Mmm. Better or worse?’

  ‘Confused. And upset. I did everything he ever wanted me to do, I changed my bloody appearance for him, had blonde hair and dieted myself away, even Grimmy commented on how thin I was, but what he really wanted was a great big man.’

  ‘Well, you couldn’t change into that, not without surgery.’ She snorts again.

  ‘It’s not funny.’

  ‘You’d laugh if it wasn’t you.’

  ‘Would I laugh if it was you?’

  Cat shrugs.

  ‘And they’ve got a dog, I was never allowed a dog.’

  ‘No. I’m surprised Ken hasn’t said anything to you about Alfie and Lee, especially with them living so close to you.’ Cat grins.

  ‘Sparing my feelings, I think.’ Ken has been very forthcoming with details of house moves and holidays but has never discussed Alfie, even when I’ve pressed him.

  ‘Is Leeward gay?’ Cat asks.

  ‘Duh, what do you think?’

  ‘Well, he was with you for a l-o-n-g time. Did you notice anything?’

  ‘Maybe I turned him gay.’ This conversation is not good for me, not good at all.

  ‘He’s probably bi,’ Cat says, with confidence. ‘That’s it. He’s probably fought his feelings for years. Been mixed up and confused. That’s why he always had that scowl on his face.’