by CJ Morrow
It’s 10am and Leeward is late.
Bastard isn’t coming.
I’ll give him ten minutes then I’ll start bombarding him with messages and calls. He’s not getting away with it.
The longest ten minutes in the history of time pass and I pick up my phone just as there’s a knock on the door.
‘You’re late,’ I say as I open the door.
‘Sorry. Not intentional, it was her. Alfie says she needs the exercise but she doesn’t think so, sits down at every opportunity.’
I look down at their little scrap of dog who sits quivering on the doorstep.
‘You could just have carried her; I think she’s used to that. Pop her in your pocket, or something. Come in.’
Shadow is delighted to have a new playmate and Daenerys is soon lapping up water from Shadow’s bowl. Funny how friendly they are given how recently Shadow and Betty ganged up on Daenerys. Dogs, eh, as fickle as humans.
‘Would you like a drink too?’
‘Only if you’re having one.’
‘Coffee then.’ I pull two mugs from the cupboard.
Once done I take the coffee to the table and pull out a chair, gesturing for Leeward to do the same; he’s been hovering like a dirty smell while I’ve been making our coffee.
He sits down opposite me and waits.
‘Well?’ I say.
‘Well what? You wanted this meeting, not me. I haven’t anything to say.’
‘Really? Nothing? Really?’ I’d forgotten how exasperating he can be.
He looks away.
‘Okay, you can start with an apology, because you’ve never given me one for what you did.’
He harrumphs. ‘Me apologise? You weren’t exactly innocent in all this, were you?’
I’m left speechless, staring at him, my mouth opening and closing like a fish.
‘Me? Me? What did I ever do? Except agree with you and go along with your plans for that grandiose wedding. Oh, and sell my car to pay for it.’ My voice has gone up a notch in pitch and I am barely controlling my anger. I so didn’t want it to descend to this level, and so soon.
‘What about that bloody song and that fucking video posted all over Facebook.’
‘Not by me.’
‘You posted it on my timeline. Don’t even attempt to deny it,’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘I had to close down my account because of that.’
‘Yes, but that was after the event. I had been thoroughly humiliated by then, why should you get off with it?’
He looks away, he hasn’t got an answer for that.
‘Anyway, you’re missing the point, Leeward. That song only happened because of what you had already done, it came after the main event, not before it.’ There, take that. I fold my arms and purse my lips.
He looks at me, looks me up and down but still says nothing.
‘I don’t know why you came if you’ve got nothing to say.’
‘Huh. Really?’
‘Yes. Really.’ I take a sip of my coffee and it tastes bitter, but I think it’s the bile rising into my throat rather than anything wrong with my coffee.
‘Because you will tell Alfie about us otherwise, you made that perfectly clear yesterday in IKEA.’
‘I never said that. Definitely not.’
‘You implied it.’
‘No, I didn’t. I said you should tell him before someone else does.’
‘Exactly.’ Now it’s his turn to fold his arms, and he cocks his head in that slightly smug way he has. I see it now and wonder why I never did before.
‘No, I didn’t mean me. I wouldn’t do that. I told you that yesterday. I said I wouldn’t.’
‘You said it in a way that suggested you would.’ He looks at me with those eyes, those eyes that I used to find so deep and soulful; Cat’s right, they are creepy.
‘No, I didn’t.’
‘You fucking did.’
‘Fucking didn’t.’ This is so pointless. ‘Why don’t you go? If you can’t apologise or at least explain then there’s no point.’ I stand up.
‘Explain?’
‘Yes. Explain.’ Was he always this dense? Perhaps he was and I just never noticed because I was so besotted with him.
‘Explain what?’
‘You’re hard work.’ I flop down into my chair again. ‘Explain why you went off and had an affair in the run up to the wedding you wanted. Why you still wanted to marry me even though you and Alfie were exchanging so many I love you messages, and, while I think of it, when you became gay?’
‘I’m not gay, I’m bi.’
‘That’s all right then.’ I drop my head into my hands. This isn’t going the way I wanted, the way I expected. I thought he’d just say sorry and we could forgive and forget. That’s all I really wanted, or so I thought. ‘Does Alfie know you’re bi? Or are you lying to him too?’
‘He knows.’ His tone is flat.
‘Have you always been bi? All the time you were with me?’
‘Yes, obviously. I don’t think it’s something you develop as time goes on. I just never acted on it before Alfie.’
‘Good for you.’
‘I never went looking for love with a man. It just happened. I met him at the gym, he was my trainer.’
‘But why have an affair with him when we were getting married?’
‘I don’t know. I sort of couldn’t help myself. I just fell in love with him. You’ve seen him, you’ve met him. He’s just the b…’
‘Whoa.’ I hold my hand up. ‘Enough. That still doesn’t explain why you were marrying me.’
He sighs. ‘No. I haven’t really got a proper answer. I have thought about it a lot, I suppose I thought if we got married my affair with Alfie would fizzle out. We’d been together a long time, you and me; we were moving onto the next step in life. I thought we’d be having children next. I didn’t want to hurt you.’
‘That worked out well, didn’t it?’ I shake my head in disbelief. I get up and take my cup to the sink. Leeward hasn’t drunk his. Then I return and take his full cup to the sink too.
‘Oh, but I,’ he starts, then shuts up.
‘And you took him on my honeymoon. New Zealand wasn’t it? What was it like? Did you go to Hobbitland?’
He rolls his eyes when I say Hobbitland, which I knew he would which is why I said it.
‘That was a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t plan it.’
‘Ha, you must have spent all day Sunday rearranging the tickets.’
‘Yeah. I did. I didn’t want to waste the money.’
‘We sold my car for all that.’ I flop back down into my chair. ‘And you bitched about giving me some money.’
‘But it was my house.’
‘Which I helped fund for almost ten years. Then I was homeless. You kicked me out without even telling me to my face. Then you went on my honeymoon with your lover…’ I stop, we’re going around and around in circles, I’ve started repeating myself.
We both sit and stare. The clock in the kitchen ticks away the seconds; I’d never even noticed how loud those ticks are until now. I lean over and look at our dogs, nestled together in Shadow’s basket as friendly as Betty and Shadow are.
‘And you never let me have a dog when we were together. And you wouldn’t let me call you Lee.’
Leeward shakes his head and stands up. He fumbles in his pocket for Daenerys’s lead. Shadow and Daenerys, who have been watching our exchange like spectators at a tennis match, both jump up and trot over to us. Leeward bends down and clips Daenerys’s lead onto her collar.
‘And you stole my wine, didn’t you?’
‘What wine?’
‘The one I had from work, the one they gave me when I went on leave to marry you. Did you and Alfie enjoy it?’
He shakes his head and sighs, but he doesn’t deny it. I know he took it and never let on when I asked if he’d seen it.
He’s silent and so am I as I see him to the door.
‘Nice place. Very you,’ he say
s, with a small smile.
‘I don’t need your stamp of approval,’ I snap back.
‘I know you don’t. I was trying to be nice.’
‘Don’t bother.’ This was so not a good idea. Why did I think it was? Stupid me.
I lean past him to open the door but he stops me, gripping my hand and it sends tingles down my arm. Oh God, it brings back so many memories, so many good memories. Treacherous body.
‘I am sorry,’ he says. ‘Really, I am. I suppose I was so wrapped up in myself I didn’t see how hurt you were. I was angry at the way you trashed our wedding; I was…’
‘You trashed our wedding.’
‘Yeah, well, we both did. Look, I’m trying to apologise. I really am. I’m trying to be honest here. I can see how, and why, it’s all made you so bitter.’
‘I’m not bitter.’ I keep my voice as flat as I can. Am I bitter? Am I?
‘Well, I’m still apologising, profusely. I was a selfish bastard. I’m sorry.’
‘You’re just saying that so I won’t tell Alfie.’
The alarm registers in his eyes.
‘I’m joking. I won’t tell him. But someone will.’ I shrug. ‘Up to you. None of my business.’ I lean over and open the door.
I stand back so that Leeward and Daenerys can shuffle out.
‘Bye then,’ he says.
‘Yeah, bye. Oh, and in the interests of full disclosure, while we’re being honest and all that, Ken came onto me.’
‘What? When? The fucker.’
‘Recently, just before he got back with Suzi. Bye.’
I shut the door and lean against it, my heart beating in my chest.
Eighteen
‘Did you feel better after delivering that?’ Cat asks when I recount the details of the conversation to her on the phone. ‘Especially the Ken exposé?’
‘A bit.’
‘It was spiteful, wasn’t it?’
‘Yep.’
‘And bitchy.’
‘Yep.
‘Well done. They’ll all shits. Even Suzi for making us look like pantomime dames on your wedding day.’
‘Alfie isn’t. I feel sorry for him.’
‘Hey, I didn’t want to say this yesterday but I can see what Leeward sees in him. I mean, my God, he’s a god. Literally.’
‘Don’t.’ I’m halfway between laughing and crying.
‘Well, he is hunky if a bit camp.’
‘Do you think? First time I met him, in the park, I didn’t think he was camp at all.’
‘No, you fancied him.’
‘I, I didn’t.’ Did I?
‘Well I did, yesterday, just for a millisecond.’ Cat laughs. ‘Anyway, did it work? Did you get closure? Is it finished now? Can you put it all behind you and move on? Can you get your priorities right now? Not waste any more time on him? On any of them?’
‘I have moved on.’ How can she not see that? I have my house, my dog, my car, my old job back, I most emphatically have moved on.
‘Good. Got to go, stuff to do.’ She does a little mock sigh which means the stuff isn’t for her.
∞∞∞
I have moved on. I have. Cat’s comment about moving on has irked me. I keep thinking about it, even when I’m taking Shadow for her evening walk and I’m running to keep up with her, I can’t stop thinking about it. Then, when I catch myself scanning the horizon on the lookout for Leeward and Alfie, I check myself, retract Shadow’s lead and head for home.
I toss and turn in bed. I’ve spent the evening inwardly wittering to myself too, even watching reruns of Poldark hasn’t distracted me. At 3am I get out of bed, go down to the kitchen and make myself a hot chocolate, that should help me nod off. Shadow, briefly woken from sleep in her basket, raises a lazy eyebrow at me but doesn’t get up. Typical, even my dog can’t be bothered to give me sympathy.
I take my drink back upstairs, sit up in bed and sip it slowly. Despite all the nasty stuff that’s gone on between me and Leeward, prior to our wedding day I loved him more than I loved myself.
He broke my heart.
Then he ripped it from my chest and stamped all over it. With Thor’s mighty boots and probably his hammer too.
Seeing him today brought back so many feelings, so many emotions. I remember the good times. I remember the fun. I still mourn the life we had together, I loved it.
I don’t love him anymore, I hate him.
And that’s the problem.
I have to get over that hate, I need to feel indifferent, neutral.
I finish my drink, turn off the lamp, lie down and drift into a deep sleep.
∞∞∞
The sound of my phone pinging wakes me up. Did I set the alarm? I didn’t think I had because, despite my lovely new curtains, the light still gets in and does a good job of waking me.
It’s not the alarm. It’s Leeward and Phillip. I read Phillip’s first. There, that’s getting my priorities right.
Wish me luck, first week of going to work every day, even though it’s only mornings.
Bless him. I’m honoured that he’s messaging me and so early too. It’s only 7am.
Knock ‘em dead, I write back and after I’ve pressed send, I wonder if that is the right thing to say. Too late now.
He sends a smiley face back, so maybe it’s okay.
Leeward’s message isn’t so upbeat.
Told Alfie last night. He’s not speaking to me now and has gone to work early and without a word. He’s very upset. Hope you’re satisfied.
I’m not satisfied, though I am sorry for Alfie. Why did I even get myself involved? Who am I to give relationship advice?
I don’t reply because my gut response would be along the lines of not as upset as me on our wedding day. No, I resist the temptation and go and have a shower instead.
∞∞∞
‘Oh, Lauren, Mr Evans wants a word with you,’ a new care assistant says to me as soon as I get to work. She’s loitering in the office and I don’t like being given instructions by anyone, especially when they know my name and I don’t know theirs.
‘Who?’
‘Cruise passenger,’ she says, without looking at me. ‘He’s in the day room.’ She slopes off without another word. Who the hell is she to be giving me orders? And I don’t like the way she’s referring to one of our residents. I’d better go though, in case he’s ill.
I find Mr Evans, as instructed, in the day room on the dementia floor.
‘Ah, there you are. Thank you for seeing me.’
‘My pleasure,’ I say, giving him a quick look over. He looks well, actually better than he did when he first came in here. He’s put on a little bit of weight and it shows in his face, a definite improvement. His clothes are still immaculate so his family must be keeping their word and laundering everything themselves, because one cycle through the laundry here and there would not be so much as a knife edge crease in sight because everything is tumble dried to oblivion. ‘How are you settling in?’
‘That’s why I needed to see you.’ He wipes an imaginary crumb from his shirt sleeve. I notice he’s wearing cufflinks; gold cufflinks. ‘I wonder if I could move deck? Is there another cabin I could have?’
‘Um, I don’t know.’ He’s on the dementia floor because it’s secure, downstairs is not and residents can come and go as they please, although most of them aren’t physically up to it and rely on their families to take them out.
‘I’m sure you’ll be able to sort something out for me, my dear, what with you being the chief steward.’
‘Right.’ He sounds so lucid, if only this were a ship. ‘Why do you want to move? Is everything okay with your room?’ If that’s the problem I’m sure I can get it sorted out.
‘My room is fine, better than fine, and my cabin steward is a darling. No, it’s the other passengers.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yes, they’re somewhat unsavoury.’
‘Oh, really? In what way?’ I’m dreading the answer.
‘Terrib
le manners, especially when eating.’ He glances around the day room, then leans in closer and lowers his voice. ‘Some even wear bibs, like babies.’
‘Ah.’ There’s no denying that, sadly.
‘And some even wear…’ he hesitates, takes another look around then whispers, ‘Nappies. And they need them, believe me.’
‘Right. Um…’ I really don’t know what to do about this. Sadly, some of our residents have dementia that is so far advanced that they have reverted to childhood and that includes incontinence. I hope this isn’t a fate he’s destined for, but think it likely as he’s been diagnosed with dementia.
‘Can I leave that with you?’ He pats my hand and smiles. It’s funny, he seems such a sweet old man, but if that action took place outside in the real world, someone would probably be screaming sexual harassment, even though it’s really not.
‘I’ll see what I can do.’ God knows what I can do. I say goodbye and hot foot it back to the office where I pull his file out.
When I’ve finished reading it, I ring up Clare, the home manager and ask to see her.
A day later and after a lengthy meeting with Clare, and several complex phones calls to each of his three daughters, we move Mr Evans to the floor below. We’ve agreed that he should be happier there for the time being, the front door is secure – though that’s mostly to keep people out rather than in – so he should be safe. We all agree it’s a temporary measure, but who knows how long that might be? And Mr Evans seems delighted with his new cabin on a lower deck. We all, except Mr Evans, know it’s just temporary, but it might be years before he’s so bad he needs to move upstairs. Alternatively, it might be months, it will be my responsibility to monitor him.
Later in the week I receive an email from Clare commending me on finding an excellent solution for Mr Evan’s complaint. She’s also wondering if I’d like to sign up for management training with a view to becoming her deputy and ultimately a nursing home manager myself. I have to admit, I’ve never even considered it before, but now I’m wondering if it’s time to focus on myself, advance my career, look to the future. I might even start by having a discreet word with that rather rude and disrespectful care assistant. I’m feeling rather good about myself.