by Shelley Gray
“I was frightened for you. But I also should admit that I wasn’t only thinking about your safety yesterday.”
“Oh?”
“I . . . I was thinking about myself.” Before he could prevaricate again, he plunged ahead. “The thing is, I cannot stop thinking about you, Eloisa.”
“I see.”
But she didn’t. And no small wonder, either. At the moment he couldn’t seem to form a decent sentence. Brutally, he forced himself to continue. “What I’m trying to say is that I have come to care for you.”
“You have?”
She didn’t look as pleased as he’d secretly hoped. Instead, her lips were slightly parted. She seemed at a loss for words and was staring at him in confusion.
And that, of course, made him fumble a bit. “Yes. Um, Miss Carstairs . . . I know who I am. I know what I am. But I haven’t been able to help myself.”
“Why did you want to help yourself?”
“You know why.”
“Sean, the reason I wanted to go to Hope House with you did have a lot to do with my need to see more of the city. To get out of my bubble. I want to do something worthwhile with my time. I want to make a difference.” She paused, then added, “However, I also wanted to spend more time with you. Not for protection, but because I have come to care about you too.”
His heart eased. Actually, everything in his body started to relax, just as his heart began to pound. “I don’t have the words to express how much that means to me.”
“You don’t need to find the words, Sean.” Treating him to a beautiful smile, she added, “I do believe you’ve already found them just fine.”
CHAPTER 19
It had been awhile since he’d spent any time on Haversham Street. Most of the time, when he saw his mother at Maeve’s or at church on Sundays, he would politely push aside her offers of lunch or an early supper at home.
Connor derided Sean for this, saying he’d been putting on airs above himself.
Privately, Sean worried his brother was right. His life on Haversham didn’t bring him any warm memories or feelings of nostalgia. Life had been hard when he’d been growing up there, and now his reluctance to visit there was a constant source of tension between him and their mother.
In part because he wanted to see Katie, he’d given in to his mother’s pleas and relented enough to join her for lunch today. But already he was counting the minutes until he could leave again. Time hadn’t been kind to the old house.
The kitchen looked smaller, the floor more scratched, the walls more pocked with holes and uneven plaster. Even the smells of his old home seemed more pungent, staler. Worse.
As Sean dipped his spoon into the bowl of thin cabbage soup his mother had just served him, he wondered if she would notice if he didn’t eat every last drop.
The idea didn’t make him proud.
The fact was, now that he was living somewhere cleaner, nicer, he never wanted to go back. To his shame he was even starting to realize how much he was becoming comfortable in the Carstairs’ home.
It seemed that Mr. Pullman, the wealthy businessman who’d designed the sleeper train car, had been right. Everyone, no matter what their background or circumstances, liked and hoped to deserve nice things.
“Whatcha doing, Sean?” his mother asked over her shoulder. “Waiting on a fancy footman to put a silver spoon to yer lips?”
“Not at all. I was merely waiting on you before I began.”
“Why on earth would you do that?”
No way would he tell her that he’d adopted company manners now. He’d watched and learned from Owen over the last year, knowing that the man’s good manners and charm were a product of years of training and practice.
He lifted the spoon, sipped the broth, and was immediately scorched by heat and spices. His mother believed in her food creating an impression.
To his bemusement, once he pushed aside the memories attached to the simple fare, he found it tasted good. Like the best of his memories. He took another sip. And another.
Seeing that he was now eating and no longer simply staring at his bowl, his mother relaxed. “Glad you still like it.”
With a start, he realized that he’d embarrassed her. It was as if they both knew he didn’t belong here any longer. He was like a new couch in an old room. He looked out of place and didn’t quite fit in. “Soup’s good, Ma.”
She smiled. “Glad to hear it. It’s bracing on a cold day.” She sniffed the air. “These are the days I always forget about, when winter is just around the corner.”
“Yes.” Knowing it would make her smile, he shuddered like he used to when he was getting ready for school. “One day I’m going to move somewhere warm.”
She chuckled, as he hoped. “You’ve been sayin’ the same thing since you learned about Florida.”
“One day I’m going to get there, at least for a visit.”
“I imagine you will.” Her smile grew soft, almost wistful. “So far, you’ve done pretty well for yourself. I can’t think of too many wishes that haven’t come true for you.”
After he finished his soup, he stood up and carried the bowl to the sink, his mother on his heels. “Thank you again, Ma.”
“Anytime.” After taking the bowl from his hands, she cleared her throat. “Now, what brings you here? We both know you didn’t come for soup.”
“I want to talk to Katie. Will she be here soon?”
“She will. Why have you come looking for her?”
“No real reason. Just thought I’d check on her.”
“Check on her?”
“Well, I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“Is that right? I could have sworn she recently paid you a visit.”
“Ma—”
“Here I am,” Katie announced as she joined them in the kitchen. With a happy smile, she crossed the floor and threw her arms around his neck. “I love it when you stop by, Sean.”
“And I love seeing you.” After giving her a squeeze, he held her off at an arm’s distance. “Look at you! You’re looking as pretty as a picture. New dress?”
“Kind of. It’s one of June’s old ones that Maeve helped me alter.”
“It’s a fetching shade of green.”
“Thank you, Sean. It’s called moss green.”
Their mother looked from one of them to the other, narrowed her eyes, then braced her hands on her hips and glared. “Sean and Katie, it’s been quite awhile since anyone’s tried to pull the wool over my eyes like you two are trying to do.”
“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” Katie retorted.
“Don’t start adding lying to your sins, child.”
“Sean.” Katie gave him a pleading look.
He agreed that their mother was getting a little riled up. “Ma, Katie isn’t lying. There’s no need to get on your high horse, now.”
Katie’s giggle only seemed to solidify their mother’s suspicion.
“I’ll get on my high horse whenever I feel like it, Sean.”
“No reason to glare at me like that.”
“I think different.” Still glaring at him, she pressed her lips together. “Now, you two can stop your protestations because we know that’s a ruse.”
“Oh, brother.”
She wagged a finger. “Don’t try me, Boy-o. We both know you don’t come over here on any old day, and especially not to see Katie on a whim. What do you need to speak to her about?”
This conversation was not only disintegrating by the second, it was actually becoming uncomfortable, and why, he didn’t know. Honestly, he could wring Owen’s neck for placing him in such a position.
“Mother, you are embarrassing me,” Katie murmured.
“Embarrassing you? Since when did you care about that?”
She lifted her chin. “Since I grew up. I’m not a child any longer.”
“Pshaw. You’re barely nineteen.”
“That’s old enough.”
“To do what?”
“Everything. Lots of girls my age are already married and have a babe on the way.”
“At least that isn’t you.” She narrowed her eyes. “Is it?”
“No. Ma, stop.” Katie turned to Sean, all blue eyes and hurt. “Do something.”
“Let’s go for a walk, shall we?” Before their mother could interfere again, he leaned close and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for the soup, Ma. It was as good as I remembered. Now, let’s go, Katie. I have to get back to the station soon.”
As he expected, she grabbed her cloak and followed him out the door. Her eyes full of anticipation and light.
Once they were outside, he pointed toward the end of the street, where there was an alley and the train tracks. All the kids in the area had walked along them for years, some even trying their best to hitch a ride in an empty car.
“Okay if we go down this way?” he asked.
“Sure.”
As they walked along, they talked with all the people out on the stoops and filling the street. Everyone from children to gossiping mothers to tired men to drunk men filled the area. The air smelled of lunches cooking and trash littering the streets. It was everything that was familiar and, in a strange way, comforting. He knew these people. He knew how they behaved and what pleased them, and what set them off.
He also had come to terms with the fact that he really wasn’t a part of their group now. Being on Haversham Street reminded him of everything he’d been so eager to escape. As with his old home, time had done no favors. Buildings that had once seemed ramshackle now appeared to be on the verge of falling down. People who were once down on their luck were now long gone or even looked to be worse off than before.
Underlying it all was the real knowledge that life here was a struggle. It had been when he was little, it had been after the fire in ’71, and it had been when his parents first moved into their home. There was also the knowledge that tomorrow wasn’t likely to be better.
And that was at the heart of why he’d been so eager to escape. It had been hard, living in a place where feeling hope and optimism for the future was as foreign as valets and evening gowns.
And in the midst of it was his sister Katie. Somehow she had remained untouched by the dirt and grime, the despair and the disease. She was everything bright and shiny.
It was no wonder Owen had taken one look at her and decided he wanted to know her better. And after mulling over all Owen had said, though still not completely enthused about the idea of his partner seeing his sister socially, he knew he had indeed recognized the truth. Katie could do far, far worse than have a man like Owen Howard by her side.
If he refused to let Owen call on her, assuming that was what Katie wanted, Sean feared it was only a matter of time before the other men in the area would press their advances. And no matter how good their intentions, if they didn’t leave the area, if they didn’t try to better themselves, they would slowly ruin both Katie’s inner and outer beauty.
“Do you feel safe here, Kate?” he blurted.
She looked around her warily. Her steps faltered. “Out here in the alley?”
“You know what I mean. Here. On the street. At home. In Chicago.”
“I feel as safe as any girl my age.”
That wasn’t an answer, and they both knew it. Or, maybe it was.
“Detective Howard talked to me about you after you left.”
“He . . . he did? What did he say?”
“He asked for my permission to call on you.”
Her expression showed she was aghast. Gripping his arm, she shook her head. “He can’t.”
“Why not?” He was surprised. He could have sworn he’d seen her giving him moony glances.
“I don’t want him to see where I live, Sean.” Right away, heat suffused her cheeks. “I mean, where you used to live too. I mean, it’s fine for me. But I think he would be shocked.”
“Do you truly think so? He is a policeman, dear.”
“I don’t want him thinking of me like this.” Looking down at her feet, she bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry. I know that sounds bad.”
It didn’t sound bad to him. For better or worse, he felt much the same. Not only would it be beyond awkward for Katie to have a wealthy man like Owen come calling in front of the whole of Haversham, Sean also wasn’t in any hurry for his partner to begin assuming things about Katie’s life. Because of that, he had no intention of bringing Owen anywhere near the area.
But he wasn’t ready to share that yet. “I think I know your reasons, but I’d appreciate it if you’d share them with me too.”
“You know why. He’s a gentleman.”
“He’s also a policeman.”
“But—”
“He started at the bottom, just like I did, Katie. He’s tougher than you might think.” The moment he said the words, he realized that toughness was also why he had even considered giving permission. Owen was several steps above anyone the family had hoped for her. But there was also a steel core to him, proving there was more to him than charm and charisma.
“I don’t want him looking at me here. If he sees where we live, he won’t ever forget it.”
“I told him most of the neighborhood only puts up with a copper in their midst because they know my family. He would do you no favors showing up at your doorstep.”
She shuddered dramatically. “Oh, can you see it? I’d be run out of here on a rail.”
He knew she wasn’t exaggerating.
“I told him he may take you to tea, chaperoned by me,” he said at last.
Her eyes turned as big as saucers. “You would do that?”
“Of course I would. You’re my sister. Plus, it’s only proper for you to be chaperoned.”
“I bet he didn’t count on you being there. What did he say?”
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a tiny squeeze. “About what you would expect a prospective suitor to say,” he said softly. “First he said that would be fine with him. Then he asked if I would see if you would consent to such a thing.”
“Really?”
“Really.” He smiled. “His interest in you is why I came over. I wanted to ask you what you think about him. And to reassure you that he is definitely asking you out. I am not telling you that you have to say yes. If you would rather not see him again, you don’t have to.”
“But you are giving your permission?” She stared at him intently. “Is he who you would like me to be with?”
“So far, we’re only talking about tea.”
“I know. But, Sean, if I were to end up liking a man like Detective Howard and he ended up liking me . . . would you support such an alliance?”
“How can I not, Katherine Jean? He’s one of the finest men I know. And though I don’t want to start putting the cart before the horse, I think it goes without saying that a future by his side would set my mind at ease.”
“I don’t know how to be a lady.”
“I think you know enough.”
“But—”
“Katie, it’s just tea. But I’ll tell you what. If you do enjoy tea and do want to see more of him, I’ll ask Miss Carstairs to visit with you and give you some advice.” Thinking of how everything she did was graceful but that she could also see the humor in the myriad of social graces, he said, “I imagine she would be more than happy to give you some tips.”
Katie rolled her eyes. “Tips.”
“Yes. You know, pointers.”
“I know what you meant, Sean. However, a lady like her would never consent to spending any amount of time tutoring a girl like me.”
“I’ve gotten to know her fairly well. I think she would be more than happy to visit with you about anything that might concern you.”
She bit her lip. “What should I tell Ma?” She winced. “Maeve? Or what about Connor?”
It was on the tip of his tongue to suggest she avoid telling Connor about Owen at any cost. But that wouldn’t be fair to any of them. For better or worse, having
everything out in the open was the right decision. “All that matters is if you’re happy, Katie. That’s all any of us care about.”
“Ma won’t care about that.”
“I’ll talk to Ma. And I’ll ask Maeve to step in too.”
“She won’t—”
“She will. Because she, like me, knows what it feels like to move away from here.”
Glancing sideways at him, she blurted, “Connor says you and Maeve try too hard to forget where you came from. That you think others are going to forget who we are, but no one ever will.”
Though he would have thought he’d be used to such sentiments by now, the statement still hurt. It also bit into his insides that Connor would share his opinions so freely with their little sister. He would have thought Connor wanted to protect Katie’s sweet hope and optimism as much as he did.
“I love our brother,” he said slowly, weighing each word carefully. “I respect him because he’s our eldest and he’s always been fair and a hard worker.”
She exhaled, whether it was from relief to hear him speak so carefully about Connor or something else, he didn’t know. But even though he didn’t want to hurt her glowing belief in their brother, he couldn’t withhold his opinion. “Katie, Conner is a good man. But I don’t agree with his views. He never wanted anything different, Katie. I do. I always did.”
“He says being a cop doesn’t make you better.”
“I don’t want to be better than him. However, I did want a life different from the one I had here. God gave me a good mind and the ability to deduce things. He gave me the skills to walk the streets of our city and apprehend criminals. To bring down folks whose only purpose in life is to hurt others. In return, I am compensated for it. And, in some small circles, it’s given me a measure of respect.”
“Respect,” she echoed softly.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Katie. Nothing wrong with believing in yourself, nothing wrong with believing you are as good, as worthy as the richest lady living on Prairie Avenue or shopping at Field & Leiter.” Looking at her, he willed her to believe him, realizing that he believed it too. “There’s not a thing wrong with that. Not a thing.”