He knows what I am, and I’m sure he will do whatever it takes to keep her from me. I don’t blame him. How can I? I’m wrong for her in so many ways. This is the first time ever though that my intentions are not to hurt her but to show her my love. Then I see them and I want to look away, but I don’t. He kisses her, and I can feel the lust she has for him. The pleasure he gives her with a simple kiss. I wish I could stop it and tell her it isn’t real but I don’t. Oh, how I wish I could tear him to pieces right now. Then I would have her to myself. I never could though.
It is out of my control. I can’t attack him without consequences from the Council of the Fallen – and they are not ones that I want to face. I’ll be setting myself up for eternal torture. I have to see her. I have to express myself to her and reveal who I truly am, but I’m afraid that if I get too close I will want more than just love from her. I’ll want part of her soul. It is a part of me to feed off of other’s souls, and it is a need so deep that I can’t deny it. It has controlled me for centuries, and even though I feel different when I’m near her the hunger still thrives inside of me wanting and needing to come out. It isn’t something that I like doing but my body depends on it. I have to feed the demon to stay strong. “I don’t want to feed anymore! I’m tired of relying on that for survival, for strength!” I whisper to myself. It hurts to see her with him.
Her feelings for Derrick will be a problem. He seems to have some kind of protective feelings for her otherwise he wouldn’t be wasting his time following her around. However I know what he is and the last thing I want to do is start another war between our kinds. I have to see her and find out if she feels the same for me. There’s something special about her and there must be a reason why I’m drawn to her in this way. I’ve done nothing but take life from humans over the centuries and now all I want to do is be with her and give her everything she wants.
In all my human encounters I’ve never had any emotional response to any of them. If she doesn’t feel the same, then I’ll leave and never ask anything of her – but I can’t go on without at least trying. “That’s it, I’m going to talk to her,” I say aloud. But not yet, I have to see her first and make sure she trusts me before I reveal to her what I am. I don’t want her to turn away or be afraid of me. I need to show her that I can be kind and that I would never harm her. Something about her makes me want to be good. I want to overpower this demon that’s controlled me for so long.
I chose this life not knowing that my survival would depend on evil but my soul is tainted now. I never want her to see the side of me that, when it’s released, I have little control over. I need her understanding; just being in Lindsay’s dreams has not been enough. I need to touch her again, to hold her. Never has my kind fallen in love with a human. Her soul has a purpose on this earth and I know it has something to do with me. There is a destiny that is lined up for us, and it’s up to me to figure out what it is. If I can just get closer to her, I may be able to read her more and find out what she’s destined for and why I’m so drawn to her. I can feel the purity within her, maybe she sees the good in me and doesn’t sense the evil. There cannot be good without bad, and I know that I can live with that as long as I can be with her.
The only problem is that I’m meant for evil and my very existence depends on it. I may not die without feeding on souls but it feels just the same. Those that chose the other path don’t have to suffer like I do to be strong. Their choices kept them from evil and therefore even though we all went against our God the others do not live with evil like me. Their strength doesn’t have to be taken from the souls of humans. I need to be patient when it comes to revealing my true identity to Lindsay. It could put not only me but her in danger as well. If the Council were to find out that I told a human what I was, they would lock me up to suffer eternally. Even though they are aware of what I do to keep my strength, they don’t want us revealing ourselves to humans. They believe it would cause a huge disruption in the balance of nature.
She has to trust me before I reveal myself to her. Derrick couldn’t find out that I told her. He would definitely tell the Council and then he would probably have to beg them to spare Lindsay. He would assume that I was trying to harm her, it’s all he knows. I will have to wait to see her again until she’s alone.
Lindsay
I know Ethan was out there, out there in the woods watching Derrick and I. I don’t know why; I can just feel it inside, the same way I could feel his presence. When I saw his face, he was so sad and confused, as if it hurt him that I was kissing Derrick. It was like I could almost feel what he was feeling in that moment. Even though I was consumed with Derrick, the moment I sensed Ethan my perceptions changed. Everything I sensed and felt was Ethan. He took over my every thought and at that moment Derrick didn’t matter. What mattered was getting close to Ethan. The attraction I have towards Derrick is very strong – when he kissed me I was floating, my whole body got light and my head started spinning as my temperature soared. Even with all those feelings moving through me, I caught a glimpse of Ethan and was irrepressibly drawn to him. Derrick doesn’t have that kind of power over me. Desire and lust flow through my veins with Ethan near. When I look into his eyes, I feel like he can see into me, into my soul.
I can sense that he grieves, and my instinct is to help him feel better and make whatever is hurting him go away. His luminous appearance and dark mysterious eyes are filled with regret and sorrow, but when he touches me I can see how much love he’s filled with and the passion radiating from him when he’s kissing me makes it unimaginable for me to be anywhere else but in his arms. He left me standing at that party alone without any justification and all I want is to see him again.
He never has to explain as long as I can hear him and see those beautiful eyes that draw me in. I can’t stop thinking about him when he isn’t near. If I have to, I will find him even if it’s just to find out that he doesn’t want me. I have to know. But for now, I have to get some rest. It was a long day and I really do need to sleep. Maybe Ethan will come to me in my dreams again. If that’s the only way that I can satisfy my need for him, then so be it.
I crave those dreamy black eyes – oh how I’ve missed them – and it’s only been a day. His eyes are black as the void but his face is so soft and caring. As if without thought, I move my hand up to his face and cup his jaw caressing his cheek with my thumb. His presence is gratifying; it feels right to have him here with me. It’s almost pitch black outside only the light of the full moon shining through the trees gives me enough light to see him. The clouds are thick around the moon but it isn’t raining. There’s a cold breeze and my body begins to shiver. I’m not sure if it is due to the cold air or just nerves. Ethan takes my hand from his face and pulls it around his neck, then wrapping his arms around my waist he pulls me into his body.
“I don’t even care why you left me that night at the party, all I ask now is that you never leave me again,” I say. “It might seem strange to you, Ethan, but when you aren’t with me all I can think about is you and all I want is you. I don’t know what this is, but I’m certain that we are meant to be in each other’s lives. It’s like something’s pulling us together, bonding us and I can’t resist it.” His hands tighten around my waist as he looks into me with that glorious gaze and bends down to softly kiss me on the lips.
“I completely understand, Lindsay. This might sound crazy and its way too soon to say, but I have to get it out because I’m afraid if I don’t say it now, I may not get another chance. I love you.” He loves me! Did he really just say that? I can’t believe it, but I think I feel the same way for him.
I think that’s why I can’t stop thinking about him and why I feel so passionate. “I love you too, Ethan.” We stand here wrapped in each other’s arms for several minutes enjoying the comfort of each other’s bodies. I close my eyes and take in the moment, hoping it never ends.
I open my eyes and am looking at the ceiling of my bedroom. I turn to my side and see that it’
s 3:00 in the morning. Though disappointed that it was only a dream, my heart is warm from the moment. A dream as intense as that has got to mean something. Do I really feel that way about him? Could it be love that’s drawing me towards him? I never believed in love at first sight but I might have to change my opinion. I don’t know that anyone could have feelings this strong for another person and not love them. It’s just hard to believe that I could actually be in love with a person I don’t know anything about.
Then there’s Derrick, I’m not sure where I stand with him. I know that when I’m with him he makes me feel good, but mostly it feels like lust not love. He is definitely genuine and I’m sure that he cares about me. He makes me feel unique especially with the way he talks to me. I can’t deny how beautiful he is and how when I look into those brilliant sky blue eyes of his I feel like I can see a person so pure and true that it’s impossible for him to exist. I can’t deny my feelings. His touch runs through my body and fills it with happiness. Being around him is as easy as breathing, but it isn’t what I long for. I long to be with Ethan, I want to look into those black mysterious eyes and feel that nothing else matters in the world except the two of us.
Its Ethan I want and who I cannot be without; this I’m certain of. I hope so much that he will come to see me today. I have nothing to do. My parents are taking today to shop and catch up, so they’ll probably be out of the house most of the day. I would call Derrick, but I don’t want to ruin the chance of being able to see Ethan. I hate that I have to wait for him. I hate that he’s doing this to me. I feel like it’s been an eternity.
The dream wasn’t enough. It makes me want to see him that much more. I should just get ready and set myself up with a good book for the day. I have a stack of novels that my cousin Emily gave me back home before I moved. She told me they would help me get past the difficult times of not knowing anyone, and so far I’ve fallen in love with several of them. I’m always collecting new books and setting them aside until I get the free time to read one. I guess today is as good as any. It will probably make the day go by faster and that way I’m not pouting over Ethan the whole time. I would call up Kim but being by myself feels good right now. After all that has been going on I need some quiet time to myself. Maybe after a day alone I’ll realize just how ridiculous this all is.
Five
Who the heck could be at my house right now? The ringing of the doorbell pulls me out of the most romantic part of my novel. The characters were just going in for their first intense kiss, and the story was getting good. I quickly get up in hopes that it may be Ethan. When I open the front door, I’m surprised to see Kim standing here with her perfect blonde bouncy curly hair and a smile spread across her face. She looks gorgeous and flawless as usual. I sigh at her flawlessness as I’m standing here in my grey sweats and an old blue T-shirt.
“Lindsay! Why haven’t you returned my phone calls?” She steps through the door pushing me aside as she enters, examining the room as if looking for someone. “I’ve been ringing your phone all morning, and now its 3 o’clock and you still haven’t called me back. So what’s up?”
Well it looks like I couldn’t avoid Kim for too long. It’s typical of her to take charge and just show up all because I haven’t called her back. I can’t believe I’ve been sitting and reading for so long though. I didn’t realize it was already 3 o’clock. “Um, I’ve just been reading and my phone was on silent, I didn’t realize you were trying to call me,” I said. “Nothings up, I’ve just been taking it easy today. What’s going on?” I was trying to avoid her because I know that once I see her I’m going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about what’s happened and I hate to make a big deal out of it when I don’t even know what it all means yet.
“I haven’t gotten a chance to get in any girl talk with you at all since the party about that guy, Ethan. I need some details and why did Derrick have to take you home early? We’re friends; you’ve got to keep me updated. I don’t like being left out. I also heard that you and Derrick were together yesterday. You guys went hiking? How come I wasn’t invited?”
With all her questions, I just sigh and give a half-hearted smile showing I don’t have the strength to keep anything from her and realize I might as well give in now. She won’t stop the battering until she knows all. “I didn’t think to call you, Kim. It was sort of a last minute thing, and Derrick was available to go. I just wanted a day out. Do you want some tea or something? I was just going to get myself some.” I don’t really want to have to explain my feelings for Ethan or Derrick. I’m still confused about what’s going on and I would probably just confuse Kim as well. She’ll probably think I’m crazy for being infatuated with either one of them, and I really don’t want to hear it right now. I can’t help my feelings and if I feel the way I do then it must be right or at least mean something.
“Sure, I’ll take some tea, but don’t try to avoid my questions. I know we haven’t been friends long, but I know when something’s going on with you. You tend to avoid people, which probably explains why you’re sitting here in this empty house just reading a book on such a beautiful day. So go ahead and make some tea, but then you have got to start talking girl!”
Kim is always so persistent when it comes to gossip. She always wants to know what’s going on. I’ve never really experienced her tendencies first hand, but I always watch her get people to spill their guts to her about their problems or relationship troubles and then she always endeavors to make them feel better. I don’t know what it is that always makes her so interested in other people’s problems, but it’s like she always has to be the one to fix them. I know she has good intentions. I’m just not in the mood right now to open up to her about everything. I don’t even have a clue about what’s going on. I want to figure things out for myself without having the opinion of someone else clouding my thoughts. I just have to be vague with what I tell her but I know she isn’t going to let me off without giving her something juicy. Once the water’s almost at a boil, I drop the tea bags into two cups and then pour the water in. After the tea sits for three minutes, I add some honey. We don’t say a word.
All I can think about is what I’m going to tell her. I don’t know what to say. That I love some stranger and that I desire Derrick at the same time. That I have no clue where all these intense emotions are coming from? That I’m insane and have no control over my sex drive when I’m around either one of them? There’s no way I can say that to her. She would think I was crazy. I do hate keeping this all to myself though. If I did share it with her, maybe she could help me understand my feelings and maybe even reassure me that everything will be fine and I’m not crazy. She does want to help. While sipping our tea I try to gather my thoughts but I’m having a hard time with what I should say and where I should start.
“So Lindsay, go ahead and start giving me the details. I need to know what’s going on with Ethan and you and what happened yesterday.”
I look over at her and I see that she’s waiting patiently. “Well, I’m not sure what’s going on with Ethan. This might sound crazy, but when I’m around him, Kim, I feel like everything else disappears. He’s all I can see, feel and smell. I know it’s insane, but I can’t help it. I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know where he comes from or who his family is and most importantly I don’t know who he is. Even though I don’t know him well enough, I still can’t help but want him every time I’m near him. Please don’t say anything to anyone, but I almost feel like our souls belong together. I ache for him when he’s not around, and when he is around I don’t want to let him go. I dream about him and the dreams are so vivid that once I wake up I can still feel his presence. I just feel so lost because I don’t understand any of it.” Please don’t have her tell me I’m crazy and that I have completely lost my mind. Her expression is somewhat reassuring; at least she isn’t busting up laughing at me.
“Wow, those are some intense feelings,” she says. “In all honesty, Lindsay, I don’t think
that you’re crazy for feeling that way towards a guy. I truly believe in love at first sight, but I have to ask why did he leave you and why did you go out with Derrick yesterday if your feelings for Ethan are so strong? Most importantly, you have to ask yourself if it’s love or just infatuation. I mean, I saw him at the party, he’s undeniably gorgeous.”
“That’s the thing, Kim. I’m not sure anymore. He left me that night and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. He disappeared in the middle of some heavy making out; I have no idea what I did wrong. I was so hurt and lost, I couldn’t stay. I had Derrick bring me home. I was hoping to hear from Ethan and get some kind of explanation as to why he left me there alone but he never called. Yesterday I had to get out of the house, he’s just who I called. The strange thing, is that even though it hurt me when he took off with no explanation, I don’t even care if he ever tells me why, all I care about is seeing him again.” I look at her hoping she doesn’t question me further, because I don’t fully understand why I’m feeling this way.
“Why Derrick, though? I mean, I know that almost all the girls think he’s hot, but you always seemed to give him the cold shoulder no matter how much he flirted with you. He showed interest in you the first day you came to our school.” I was really hoping I didn’t have to explain Derrick to Kim as well but it looks like it’s too late. Nothing gets by her.
“I’m not sure why I chose Derrick to call, but spending the day with him hiking was an experience I won’t forget and can’t avoid. He’s amazing, Kim. Being with him is so easy, and his presence just lights up a room, as you know. It is true that I never felt this way about him before but for some reason I do now and I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s changed. It’s different than what I feel for Ethan, though. With Ethan I can’t stand to be apart from him. My heart desires him, and my body craves him. Derrick, on the other hand, has this pull over me but only when he’s around me. When he touches me, I don’t want him to let go and all I can feel is him. It’s like he has this quality about him that’s pure and loving and just draws you in.” I struggle to explain myself, “But when Derrick isn’t around, I don’t really think about him or at least the idea of Ethan overshadows him. It’s Ethan that I can’t stand to be without. I feel like I’m going crazy, Kim. Here I am, seventeen years old and falling in love with two people, I don’t know why this is happening so fast. I mean aren’t you suppose to get to know the person really well, date for a little while and then have hot steamy make out sessions and fall in love?”
Fallen Desire Page 5