by Gray, Kiska
“I’ll try,” I murmured, all the while wishing for exactly that.
22
Gideon
The week flew by in a blur of colorful wrapping paper and spiced rum fruitcake, and now I was staring Christmas right in the face. With each day crossed off the calendar in bold red Sharpie, my anxiety only skyrocketed, but Mika seemed to know exactly what to say. I was so thankful for him, for his sweet kisses and the distraction from my least favorite time of year. He seemed so happy, enveloped by Christmastime. I couldn’t be a Grinch when I was around him. It just wasn’t possible.
“What’s wrong, babe?” Mika asked when I picked at my dinner, the night before Christmas Eve.
“Nothing,” I murmured. We both knew it was a big fat lie. I stabbed a piece of chicken with my fork and stuffed it into my mouth so I wouldn’t have to answer his game of twenty questions.
Instead, his expression turned soft as velvet. He reached across the table and laid his hand atop mine. “Are you nervous? About meeting my crazy family tomorrow afternoon? I mean, I don’t blame you if you are.” His smile was sheepish. “My fam is pretty cray-cray.”
“Kind of,” I admitted.
“Do you need me to distract you?” There was a twinkle in his eye.
I lofted a brow. “Oh? Do tell.”
His smirk was all I needed to see. “You and me in that big old hot tub of yours. Two glasses of your best red wine. Both of us naked and preferably fornicating. I’d like to have my wicked little way with you, before…” He pulled up short and shook it off, but I knew what he was about to say.
Before we said goodbye.
“That sounds like an amazing evening, Mika,” I said. “And it will one-hundred percent get my mind off of whatever I’m walking into tomorrow, for sure.”
And it did. Tipsy off the wine, we baked two dozen sugar cookies from scratch and had a messy make-out session while waiting for the oven to beep. Each kiss, each touch, they made my head buzz and my skin tingle, and my heart leapt into my throat every time he smiled at me.
After Mika set the cookies on a cooling rack, we poured ourselves more wine and made a beeline for the hot tub. I couldn’t get out of my clothes fast enough, groaning low when my skin hit the bubbling hot water. Mika stripped and slid into the tub after me and there in the water, I took my damn sweet time exploring his body.
His hands clung to my shoulders, his head thrown back and his cheeks flushed with pleasure as our bodies intertwined. I buried myself inside of him, loving the way he fit me. His moans were music to my ears and they set my heart afire. “Oh, Mika… Mika, shit.”
This wasn’t just sex. This wasn’t the wild, raw fucking we usually did. No. This was something different, something deeper. Skin to skin and heart to heart, we made love and when I laid down to sleep with him in my arms, I knew.
I was so utterly boned.
* * *
“Want some eggs?” Mika held up the frying pan, which sizzled when it came up off the burner.
The idea of food made me feel nauseous, so I quickly shook my head. “Too nervous.”
“Still? Haven’t I worn you out yet?”
“Hn. Need coffee.” I grunted and swung the cabinet doors open in search of a mug.
“It’s in the pot, waiting for you,” Mika chirped back.
“My savior.”
The sugar cookies sat on parchment paper, iced with thick green and red frosting with a couple shakes of silvery sprinkles on top. They smelled like heaven, but Mika’s baking typically did. I picked out a small one and broke off the tiniest piece, then popped it in my mouth. Sweetness danced across my tastebuds and I exhaled a sigh. So good.
“Thought you were nervous,” he teased when he saw me with the rest of the cookie in my hand.
“Thought maybe a cookie would help.”
“Did it?”
“Getting there.” I offered a quick smile. “Did you grab the bag of gifts?”
“Already in the car, waiting on us. Stop bouncing your leg, you’re making the whole table shake and now I’m getting nervous.” My knee immediately stilled and I put my boots flat on the floor. We’d gotten a buttload of snow last night. Mika followed my gaze out the window and added, “Hopefully they’ve already started salting the roads.”
Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to blow the whole thing off, to say a big “fuck you” to Christmas and drag Mika back to bed and make passionate love with him all fucking day. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bobbed my head. “It’ll be fine, baby. Trust me.”
Mika chattered the entire drive, telling me off-the-wall stories about his crazy Aunt Wanda and how the neighbor kids used to think she was practicing witchcraft.
“Watch out for her, though,” he warned. “She’s a notorious man-eater. It won’t matter to her that you’re half her age.”
“Don’t worry.” I smirked. “I like ‘em young. Not that anyone could compete with you.”
Blotchy redness crept up his neck, but his grin was as radiant as the sunlight glittering off the virgin snow. My chest clenched and my breath hitched for a moment, but I powered through it—at least until I saw the amount of cars parked in the drive. Shit. Mika seemed to realize it, too, because he squeezed my arm.
“It’ll be fine, baby,” he murmured, throwing my earlier words back at me. “Trust me.”
Together, we walked through the front door and were immediately enveloped into the fray of a great big happy family. Boisterous kids ran through the living room, laughing and shouting at each other while their parents barked warnings for them to behave. All around me, people were smiling and chatting with one another as if they hadn’t seen each other in months. They probably hadn’t.
“Mika, darling!” Mika’s mother greeted us in the kitchen. She threw her arms around her youngest son and kissed him on the cheek while Mika grumbled and groaned. She turned to me and her eyes lit up. “Gideon! Welcome back, it’s so good to see you again. Been taking care of my little boy?”
“Yes, ma’am.” What else was there to say?
“Good, good. Mika, why don’t you go around and introduce Gideon to everyone? I’m sure Aunt Wanda and Aunt Millie would love to finally meet him. I’ve been singing his praises all month.” She winked at me before shooing us off. Great. Mika grabbed my hand and dragged me down the hall to the living room, where most of his family was milling about.
“Mikey!” I heard his brother call over the din of voices. “Over here. Come sit with us.”
Everything from that point on was a blur of unfamiliar faces and a swelling anxiety that lodged itself in the middle of my chest, just beneath my ribcage. It was like a gas pain, bubbling up to suffocate me. I put on a smile and played the part of a doting boyfriend when in reality, I was utterly overwhelmed.
I didn’t belong here. I didn’t fit in with Mika’s family, didn’t deserve to be surrounded by laughter and smiles while his aunts and uncles introduced themselves and carried on small-talk. Being the center of attention had never bothered me before, not on stage and not in my day to day life, but here, with all these expectant eyes on me, all I could think about was making my escape.
“Yo, Mike!” A heavy-set man in his thirties, who I could only guess was one of his cousins, came shuffling over. Mika jumped up to give him a quick hug, but the expression he wore was pinched. “Hey, why don’t you come outside and help me with the wood. Your Ma wants me to get the fireplace going and I could use an extra set of hands.”
Mika glanced my way. I half-expected him to introduce us, but he only nodded. “Sure, no prob. Be right back,” he promised me before following the man out of the room. I sighed and raked both hands through my hair, then dropped my head back against the couch cushions to stare up at the Tiffany glass chandelier hanging from the vaulted ceiling.
“You must be Mika’s new beau,” came a voice from my left, soft and sandpaper-y, and a wispy-looking woman settled into the spot beside me. I knew, immediately, that this had to be Aunt Wanda. Dresse
d head to toe in black, I could almost believe the witchcraft allegations.
“You must be something special. Our Mika never brings anyone to our family gatherings, but my gosh…” Her pink-painted lips curved into an appraising smile. “If I were but twenty years younger, I might’ve had to steal you off his arm. I can see what he sees in you. You’re absolutely dashing.”
“Thanks.” I didn’t want to be rude, but… Where was Mika when I needed him? “I’m sorry, I don’t think we were introduced. I’m Gideon.” I stuck out my hand, but she didn’t move to shake it. After a couple of awkward seconds, I dropped it back to my lap. Jesus.
“Of course not, honey, I’ve only just arrived. I’m Mika’s Auntie Wanda and believe me, it is a pleasure to meet you. My little sister has nothing but good things to say about you. I do hope you stick around.” She pursed her lips. “But I do have to ask. How do you deal with Mika’s…quirks?”
“What?”
“You know, the flamboyant clothes, the make-up. The skirts.” Wanda made a face. “He’s always been so queer and between you and me, I love him dearly, but if he was my son, oh, I don’t think I’d have the patience for it. He’s a man. He should act like one.”
What the hell? All I could do was stare at her. “Excuse me? He is a man—he’s his own man. It’s twenty-eighteen. Men are allowed to be feminine, and just to set the record straight? I love Mika’s quirks. It makes him who he is.”
“Don’t listen to Wanda. She’s an old stick in the mud,” crowed a silver-haired woman in a Christmas sweater. She waved a hand in the air, gesturing to the woman, who scowled at her. “I, for one, am delighted that Mika has finally found himself. He’s happier than he’s ever been. He’s smiling, Wanda, isn’t that enough? Would you rather him go back to being moody and withdrawn? Let the boy wear a skirt.” She winked at me. “You’re a lucky man.”
I smiled, but it felt out of place somehow. “I know.”
After dinner, I watched Mika play with the kids. A bright-eyed girl with messy brown pigtails hung on Mika’s hand while he used the other to dab gaudy purple eyeshadow on her older sister’s eyelids. It was obvious she adored him; they all adored him. God, there was so much love here. What Mika had, it was everything I’d always wanted but never got growing up, and it hurt.
“You okay?” Mika asked when we finally got home. I killed the engine, but didn’t make a move to get out of the car. Outside, snow fluttered down in big flakes to land on the windshield, but it only made my heart ache. “You’ve been really quiet.”
I blinked back the tears burning my eyes. “I wish…” I breathed in sharply. “I wish that things would’ve been different. Maybe I would’ve turned out to be a better person if my family had had even half as much love as yours does.” Try as I might to overcome it, the sorrow gripping my heart in a vice tightened its grasp. A tear slid down my cheek, followed by another.
“You didn’t turn out bad, Gideon,” Mika whispered, pulling my hand into his lap. His fingers played over my knuckles, but when I looked up, his smile echoed my sadness. He tugged on my arm. “Come on, baby. Let’s go to bed.”
I wished he was right.
23
Mika
“Wake up! It’s Christmas. Time to get out of bed and see what Santa Claus brought you!” Channeling seven-year-old me, I woke Gideon up the way I always woke my parents early Christmas morning. With a laugh, I clambered onto the bed and shook Gideon’s arm. He grumbled and tried to turn over, so I swung my leg over his and sat on his hip.
“Santa Claus doesn’t exist.” He peeled one eye open to peer at me, then grumbled, “It’s like, five in the morning…”
“It’s actually six twenty-two, which is twenty-two minutes later than I’d originally planned to wake you up.” I poked him in the ribs. “I’ve already started our Christmas feast. The house is gonna smell yummy here in an hour or so, so you’d better get up, Mr. Grinch.”
I’d woken with a jolt a little after four in the morning, but laying awake while Gideon slumbered gave me too much time to think about what happened after. After all the leftovers were put away. After we took the decorations down. After we hauled the tree out to the street. Goodbye came after and god, I wasn’t ready. I might never be ready.
Unable to compete with the demons in my head, I’d gotten up and showered, then got busy in the kitchen.
“Mika.” He threw an arm over his face, as if that might somehow force me to stop harassing him. No such luck. I sprawled across the firm length of his body and started kissing his neck, nibbling my way to his earlobe.
With a breathy laugh, I whispered, “C’mon, baby, I even made you coffee.”
“Mmm.” Moving his arm, he tilted his face towards me just enough so I could kiss him, and kiss him I did. I cupped his stubbly cheeks in both hands and pressed my lips to his with a lazy sweep of my tongue. He made a sound low in his throat and reached for me. My heart sped in my chest. “Do I get Christmas sex?”
“Mmm, I dunno. We haven’t opened gifts yet and I saw a couple of packages with my name on it. Curiosity killed the cat, you know.” I giggled and shoved at his arm again, then swiftly vaulted off the bed. “Coffee’s getting cold. The sooner we open gifts, the sooner you get to tap this ass.” I patted my butt with both hands and took off down the hall. “Time’s a wasting!”
Half an hour later, Gideon was vertical and caffeinated, on his second cup of coffee with an ample splash of Bailey’s. He lounged on the couch and I settled in between his legs on the floor, using him as a back rest. Grabbing the remote, I keyed up the fireplace DVD I’d gotten half-price last Black Friday. Christmas music played softly to set the mood.
He stared at the screen for a moment, confused, so I said, “Since you don’t have a fireplace, we’re gonna have to make do. Now comes the real question: Which one do I get to open first? The red one? The blue one? Jesus, Gid, how many gifts did you buy me?”
“Just enough,” he murmured, threading his fingers through my hair. “The red one. Not that big one, the smaller one. The big one I’m saving for last.”
“Ooh.” I grabbed the thin, square package wrapped in shiny red paper and tore at the corner. I felt Gideon’s eyes on me and when I saw what he’d gotten me, I giggled. “However did you know?” I teased, holding up the most recent Gravitation album with his signature scrawled across the front in loopy silver marker.
“Just a hunch.” He winked.
“Your turn.” I leaned forwards to grab one of his gifts, then thrust it into his hands. I turned around so that I was facing him and scooted a little closer. “Go ahead. Rip and tear, as my dear old Daddy used to say.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he murmured while turning the box over in his hands.
“I wanted to, so shut the fuck up and open it already. Geez.”
To my surprise, he laughed and warmth tingled through me. His fingers worked at the paper—so maybe I’d used a little too much tape, sue me—and when he finally tore it open, his jaw went slack. He tugged open the box to draw out a fitted brown leather jacket lined in a soft blue flannel. “Mika…”
“I was gonna get you a winter coat so you’d stop bitching, but you’d already bought one by the time we went to the mall, so.” I shrugged. “I figured you wouldn’t mind a new jacket. Yours is looking like it’s seen better days.”
“It’s well-loved, but wow. Thank you.”
The other gifts I’d gotten him were small and insignificant, but Gideon seemed truly happy to receive them. With each present he opened, his smile grew wider and I was suddenly sad for that little boy who never got to experience Christmas magic growing up. I wanted to give that to him, even if what we had was only for a little while.
“One more,” I said.
Inside the long, rectangular box was a very expensive pair of drumsticks. Not just any drumsticks, either. These were signed by his idol. He slid the top off the box, then swore under his breath. “Jesus, Mika. You went overboard. Holy shit.” He
fiddled with the packaging and, the box forgotten, he drummed out a beat on his knee. “But how did you know?”
I smiled. “A little birdie told me.”
“A little birdie named Lazarus Knight?”
“Maybe. I’m no snitch.”
“Christ. Come here, you brat.” He set the drumsticks aside with a click of wood. I knee-walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and he squeezed me in the tightest, warmest hug I’d ever felt in my life. He dropped his nose to nuzzle my hair and his breath puffed warm into my ear. “Thank you. You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I try. Do I get to open my big present now?” I wiggled out of his grasp and he laughed.
“Go ahead.”
I tore the wrapping paper off to reveal a very expensive coffee maker, one of those types that took the equally expensive pods and made only one cup at a time. It was kind of a weird gift choice, but before I could thank him, he gestured to the box. “Open it up. I just needed a box. I promise, I didn’t get you an appliance for Christmas. I’m not that guy.”
I fiddled with the tape holding the top of the box down. “I was a little...” It fell open and so did my jaw. “Confused. Gideon. Gideon, how? How did you know?” I had to swallow a couple of times to dislodge the emotion growing in my throat as I drew my boots—my beautiful boots—out from the colorful gift paper. God, they were so expensive, too…
Gideon brushed it off like it was no big deal, but his lips curved into a satisfied smile. “I saw you eyeing them all dreamy-like when we went to the mall. I took one look at them and knew they were made just for you.”
I squeezed the soft leather to my chest, blood rushing loudly between my ears. The corners of my eyes began to burn. “They’re perfect. They’re so… They’re amazing, Gideon, thank you. Thank you so much.” I choked on the words. Gideon dropped to his knees on the floor and drew me to his chest. I buried my face in his shoulder, sniffling.