by Gray, Kiska
“That’s different.”
“One poke and it’ll all be over, I promise.” When I scowled at her, she added, “You’d be smart to behave yourself, Mr. Grey, seeing as you’ve got company.” She pointed a finger at me, then donned her pair of purple gloves with a snap of latex. “The sooner I get your blood, the sooner you get to see who’s behind door number one…and he’s pretty cute. Just saying.”
My cold heart thumped to life. Mika? I shut that thought down fast. No. Why would Mika be here? I grimaced at the pinch of the rubber tourniquet and quickly turned my face away from my left arm so I wouldn’t see the needle go in. I squeezed my eyes shut till Cherry released the pressure and taped a bit of gauze over the wound.
“See? All done! I’ll send your visitor in.”
I fumbled with the buttons on my bed until I was sitting upright, then tugged the blankets around me so nothing was accidentally exposed. I wasn’t wearing pants, just this stupid blue hospital gown that my ass hung out of whenever I took a piss—and since I was getting fluids straight into the vein, that was every twenty minutes, it seemed.
There was a soft knock on the door before it slowly creaked open. Everything inside of me clenched up when Mika walked into the room. He stopped at the foot of my bed, looking uncertain and out of place. He bit down on his lip and the dam holding back my emotions crumbled to dust as need roared through me.
I reached for him, desperately needing to touch him. “Mika? Why are you here?”
“Laz called me,” he said softly.
“I don’t understand… I hurt you.”
“That doesn’t mean I want you to die, Gideon! God. You’re such an idiot.” His voice cracked on a sad laugh when he reached my bedside. He took the seat beside me and touched my hand, sawing his bottom lip between his teeth. I hadn’t seen this side of Mika before; vulnerable, nervous, alone.
I couldn’t suppress the sob that ripped from my chest. I gripped his hand as tightly as I could. “I—Fuck. I fucked up,” I whispered. “I broke your heart and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, and I know sorry doesn’t make it better, but goddamnit, I’m a bastard. I’m a bastard and you should hate me—I hate me—and yet, here you are and I don’t… I just… I love you.”
“Gideon.” Mika crumpled, his blue eyes bright with tears, but I wasn’t done.
“No. No. I need to say this, even if it’s too late. I love you and I’m an idiot because I should’ve said it sooner. Everyone saw it but me.” My emotions squeaked past the rawness in my throat, everything I’d bottled up frothing up and out like peroxide on an open wound. I felt the burn. “I know I can’t make it right. I can’t take it back, but I want to. I want to go back to New Year’s Eve and I want to kiss you at midnight and ask you to be mine, for real, and I… I’m sorry. God, my head hurts.”
Mika stroked the pad of his thumb over my knuckles. Gentle. Comforting. “Shh. You’re right, we need to talk about what happened, but not when you’re doped up on drugs with a concussion. It can wait. I promise, it can wait.”
He went to stand up, but I clung to his hand. “Please don’t leave,” I whispered hoarsely.
He grazed his fingers down the side of my face, then kissed my forehead with far more tenderness than I deserved. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured, squeezing my fingers. He sat back down and the pressure gripping my heart eased.
I fell asleep clinging to his hand.
34
Mika
I was a man of my word. I promised Gideon I’d stay, and I did. With the heart monitor bleeping softly, I closed my eyes and listened to the patter of my own heartbeat. My emotions were tangled in knots so tight that even a Boy Scout wouldn’t be able to loosen them, but I held Gideon’s hand until his breathing turned heavy and even.
Certain he was down for the count, I carefully untangled our fingers and stood. I needed to pee something awful and my stomach had been growling for the past hour and a half. Surely there was a vending macine around here somewhere. I slipped out of Gideon’s room and went off in search of something to snack on.
It was the first real hunger I’d felt in weeks. I hoped that was a good sign.
As luck would have it, I found a couple of fancy vending machines down one of the corridors. One of them was even selling ramen noodles. My stomach gave a gurgle. I fed a couple bucks into the money slot and pushed the button to choose my flavor. The machine whirred and hummed and a few minutes later, my ramen was done. Big red letters on the Styrofoam cup read: Caution! Hot!
As if I couldn’t have deduced this myself from the steam rising from the vent.
I carried my noodles over to a table, then spent a few more bucks on a can of Mt. Dew and a Snickers bar. Ramen, caffeine and chocolate were the holy trinity of foodstuffs, after all. I plunked down at the table and began to eat, surprised by how hungry I actually was.
I returned to the waiting room to see Bex sitting by himself, fiddling around with his phone. I dropped into the seat beside him. “Where’s Laz?”
Bex frowned. “The doctors called him back.”
“Is that bad?”
“I don’t know. I’m guessing so, though, because they didn’t look happy. I’m worried about Laz. Izzy and Ivy and Gideon, they’re like blood to him. They’re family. I don’t know what will happen if Izzy dies.” He rubbed his palms against his knees in a circular motion.
I nudged mine against his. “It’ll be okay,” I told him, even though we both knew it was probably bullshit. “Stay positive. It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.”
Bex smiled. “I know.”
Except Laz came back looking more morose than I’d ever seen him. His shoulders sagged and his eyes were droopy and red, like he’d been crying. Not good news. Bex jumped up and threw his arms around his waist. Laz hugged him close, then wiped at his nose with a crumpled tissue.
“Is it bad news?”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It’s not good. Izzy has bleeding on the brain. He’s going into surgery to try and relieve some of the pressure. Ivy’s with him right now, but she’s losing her shit. I’ve never heard her cry like that.” His throat worked. Bex took his hand. “All we can do now is pray.”
Damn. “I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, just ask,” I said.
“No, no. It’ll be okay. It’s gotta be. Did you see Gideon?”
“Yeah. Thanks for calling me, Laz. You didn’t have to.”
“I know, but I needed to. Gideon loves you. I know that he does. I know that being with you made him happy, happier than he’s been in a long time. I’ve known Gideon almost my entire life. He’s always been a bit of a black sheep, running wild, but I truly believe that his crappy homelife helped make him that way. Did he ever tell you about his parents?”
“No. He shut down when I brought it up, so I dropped it,” I told him.
“Typical. Don’t feel bad. I’ll give you the gist of it. His parents didn’t love each other. Gideon was an accident, and not a happy one, and the way they treated him was proof of that. Their parents made them get married so the baby wouldn’t be born a bastard and Gideon suffered because of it. His mother was a functioning alcoholic, his dad was just an asshole, and I don’t think they ever once told him they loved him. Honestly, I don’t think they even knew what love was.”
“Gideon started picking fights at school, bullying other kids. Acting out for any scrap of attention he could get, even if it was negative attention. He spent a lot of time at my place when we were in middle school and by highschool, he was committing petty crimes. Shoplifting, you know, stupid shit. If it wasn’t for the band, I’m pretty sure he would’ve ended up in jail. Gravitation was his escape and he never looked back.”
“Damn. I didn’t know.”
“We’re his family now. Me and Ivy and Izzy. He hasn’t seen his parents since high school, as far as I know. Sends them a postcard at Christmastime and that’s it. He gets pretty weird about it and I can’t say that I blame hi
m. He’s always hated Christmas, but this year he seemed happy. He was happy. I know that he hurt you, but he freaked out because he was running scared. He does love you.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to stay, you know,” he told me, but I shook my head.
“I do. I still love him, as stupid as that is, but he’s a mess. He cried, Laz… He kept apologizing and it broke my heart, seeing him so upset. I know he feels something, but I… Am I being an idiot? For considering giving him a second chance? I love him, but I don’t want to get hurt again. These last two weeks have been hell. I don’t think I can do it a second time.”
Laz patted my knee. “You’re brave. I might not’ve spent a lot of time with you, but I know your type. You’re headstrong and stubborn. You set your eyes on the prize and you go for it.”
I grinned. “Busted.”
“It’s your choice. I can’t make that decision for you, but speaking as a friend? I think you should let him try again. He needs you right now, Mika. Especially now. Give him a second chance and if he breaks your heart again, I’ll break his face. How about that.”
“You’re a good friend,” I told him. “But I’m pretty sure his face is broken enough.”
“True. Wouldn’t want to mar his godlike beauty.” Laz winked at me. Bex started giggling and I covered my face with both hands to hide my blush.
Smiling had never felt so free.
35
Gideon
After what seemed like an eternity of restless nights, listening to the machines in my hospital room bleep and blip—and the sounds of someone violently retching a couple doors down the hall, ugh—I was more than ready to get the hell out of this place. There was only so many rounds of Candy Crush you could take before you lost your damn mind, and I was right there.
Dr. Cox popped in for a couple minutes to go over my discharge instructions, then handed me a bright yellow envelope. “No driving for a couple of days. Make sure you keep drinking plenty of fluids,” he said, pushing his wire-framed glasses up a little higher on his pointy nose. “No alcohol.”
The way he looked at me gave me the feeling that he and Laz had had a little talk about my drinking habits. Bah. Fuck it, anything to get out of here. “Sure, yeah. No drinking, no drugs. Lots of water, eat my veggies. Got it. I promise I’ll be a good boy. Can I please go home now?” I rubbed the spot on my inner elbow where the IV tape had been.
He nodded curtly. “Of course. Take care of yourself, Mr. Grey.”
He’d no sooner shuffled out the door when Laz poked his head in. “Knock, knock. All dressed and ready to go?” He shot me a grin, but it was lacking its usual cheerfulness. Probably due to exhaustion. He looked dead on his feet, like he hadn’t seen the cool side of his pillow in weeks. When was the last time he’d had a full night’s sleep? Typical Laz, he was more worried about us than his own needs.
“You have no idea,” I muttered. Right now, all I wanted was a hot shower and a couple of those greasy frozen burritos smothered in melted cheddar and salsa. Mmm. I was so over hospital food. I grabbed my coat off the back of the chair and shrugged into it. “How’s Izzy?”
“Grumpy, but more coherent than yesterday, which is all we can ask for. He’s not out of the woods quite yet, but the doctors think he’ll make a full recovery. I had to practically pry Ivy out of his room last night. She’s a hot mess.”
I raised a brow. “Yeah? And what about you? When are you gonna sleep, Laz? You can’t stay awake forever. Maybe I should have a word with that boyfriend of yours.”
“Oh, screw off. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. Your eyes have bags—hell, their bags have bags. Take your own advice for once, would you?” I implored him. “Izzy’s got guts. He’s strong as hell. He’s not gonna go kicking the bucket anytime soon, so please. Go home, eat something that didn’t come from a vending machine, and sleep. Preferably for eight hours or more. I’m sure Bex will thank me.”
Laz huffed out a laugh, rolling his eyes. “Sure thing, doctor. I think that lump on your thick skull has rattled your brains a bit.”
“Maybe it has,” I agreed. “Or maybe I’m just looking out for you. Sleep is your friend. Sleep keeps you from going cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Get some rest, maybe wake up to a morning BJ and boom—your day is golden.” He smacked me. I laughed. “Just saying.”
“Do I even want to know?” Mika appeared in the doorway wearing that puffy blue coat, his cheeks chapped and red from the cold. His car keys dangled from two fingers. My entire being jolted with electricity as he met my gaze. When his lips curled into a small smile, I felt a prickle of heat creep up my neck. I tugged my coat collar up in an attempt to hide it.
“Nah.” Laz clapped Mika on the back. “Hey, look who’s here. Your knight in shining armor has arrived to cart your happy ass home.”
“Thank you, sweet baby Jesus,” I uttered. “My savior.”
“Who? Me, or baby Jesus?” Mika smirked.
My throat knotted. “You. Always you.”
“Save the sap. You ready?”
“Yeah,” I said softly. “Thanks.” Mika turned and walked out of the room, the heels on his boots clapping over waxed tile. I moved to follow him, then stopped. I lightly punched Laz on the shoulder. “Take care of yourself. I’ll be back, probably sooner than I’d like to be, but hey, what are friends for?”
“If you need a ride somewhere, text me. Doctor’s orders.”
“Yes, Dad.”
I found Mika waiting for me at the end of the corridor, the elevator button lit up. It chimed and he waved his arm in a dramatic fashion for me to hurry up. With a laugh, I jogged down the hall as fast as my throbbing skull would allow. I stepped inside just as the doors began to slide closed.
I tilted my head to look at Mika. “Thanks again.” For taking me home. For staying with me. For being here.
“I don’t mind.” He shrugged.
“Mika…” There was so much I wanted—no, needed—to say, but the words got clogged up somewhere between my heart and my tongue and I couldn’t seem to squeeze them out. I licked my lips and tried again, but he laid his hand on my chest. The look on his face me was soulful and deep, but he shook his head.
“No. Just… Stop. Not here.”
I exhaled. His rejection stung, but I got it. I did. “Okay.”
“We both need some time to think about things, I think,” he said quietly, tucking his hands into the pockets of his coat. He stared at the toes of his winter boots. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.” And I was. I’d fucked up a good thing and we both were well aware of that fact, but I wasn’t giving up on him. I wasn’t giving up on us. When the elevator rolled to a stop at the ground floor, Mika took my arm and guided me across the slippery parking lot.
“Last thing you need’s another concussion,” he said.
“You could say that again. I was going stir-crazy. You never realize just how noisy a hospital is until you’re strapped to an IV pole and forced to listen to all the sickies and their endless whining.” I shuddered.
“Cherry told me you were pretty good at whining yourself,” Mika said with a snort.
“Don’t judge me, Mika.”
He swung the passenger door open. “Oh, wouldn’t dream of it. Hop in. Let’s get you home.” The drive itself was short, sweet and blissfully silent. Neither of us said much of anything, but that was okay with me. My head was still aching something fierce. He pulled into my complex and drove right up to the front doors, letting the car idle. “You need me to walk you up?”
“I got it from here,” I promised him. “But thanks. Uh… Mika?”
“Hmm?”
“What would you say to maybe grabbing a coffee this weekend?”
He chewed on his lip. “Coffee?”
I slowly nodded. If I got a second shot at this, I wanted to do things the right way. Going out for a cup of joe seemed like a step in the right direction. “Coffee. That’s all I ask.”
“Okay. Saturday afternoon, eleven-thirty. Meet me at the Starbucks on Lincoln.”
“Sounds perfect,” I murmured, unclipping my safety belt. “See you then.” Giving a little wave, I stepped out of the car and shut the door behind me. I didn’t look back, even though I wanted to. I slowly climbed the steps up into the main building and slogged my way to the elevator.
I’d never been so happy to come home to my big, old empty apartment. The only way I could’ve been happier was if Mika would’ve been standing beside me. I closed my eyes and sent a little prayer skywards that somehow, I’d be able to win his trust—and his heart—once again.
* * *
Saturday morning dawned bright and sunny, not a snow cloud in sight. I went about my morning routine with nerves churning up waves in my gut, try as I might to ignore them.
It wasn’t the rejection I was afraid of. It was the idea of never seeing Mika again that had my heart in ugly knots. It was the idea of someday passing him in a grocery store aisle without him ever acknowledging me. It was the idea of seeing him happy with somebody else.
I was teetering on the edge of something that both excited and terrified me, but I knew what I felt. I knew what I’d lost, what I’d so stupidly thrown away. What I had to fight to get back. I would fight for us, or I’d go down trying.
I got to the coffee shop ten minutes early, only to find Mika sitting in a corner booth, staring out the frosted glass window. The bells on the door chimed my arrival and when he turned to look at me, time stood still. My lungs forgot to take a breath.
He was dressed down, for him, in a pair of well-loved fitted jeans and one of the Gravitation hoodies I’d gotten him for Christmas. One glance down at his feet told me he was wearing those boots, too, and when I met his gaze, his smile was such a sweet relief.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hey, yourself. You’re here early.”
He bobbed a shoulder, suddenly nonchalant. “I went ahead and ordered. The usual okay?” I nodded. He motioned for me to join him. I took the bench across from him, folding myself into the booth best I could without our knees knocking together. I must’ve kicked him because he let out a little laugh.