After I got home, I had to pass the living room to get to my room. I saw Beth and Richard, slumped on the couch, and mom sitting on the floor with Blake. As much as it hurt that she had turned her back on Will and me, I was glad she was there for the baby. At least someone deserved to feel loved. That thought suddenly made me realize how I wasn’t the only one who’d lost their mother. I climbed the stairs and stopped outside of Will’s closed door. Knocking, I wasn’t even sure he was home, but I needed to try. I heard a thump and then he opened his door.
“What?” he asked. I was used to his usual greeting so it didn’t faze me.
“Can I come in?” I rarely entered his man cave, but I guess asking should give me some points. His eyebrows rose, and then he indicated for me to come in with his head. I followed him in and he shut the door behind us. I perched on his bed, which was unmade, per usual.
“So how can I help you?” he asked. Jeez.
“Did you accidentally fall asleep on a fire ant mound?” I asked. He rolled his eyes. “Sorry to bother you,” I continued, “I know you are incredibly busy and can barely spare a moment from your hectic schedule.” He grunted. I swear, he probably grunted the day he was born. “Anywhoozles, seriously, am I really putting you out that much? You’re kind of acting a little douchy.” He grunted and rolled his eyes. This was so not going well.
“Seriously. Will. What’s your deal? I just wanted to talk to you but I guess that was a terrible idea.” I started to get up.
“No. It’s cool.” He finally looked at me. I sat back down.
“I’m sorry Will. You know I don’t want to bug you. God knows I did enough of that growing up. I just thought…well, I don’t know. I came home and saw Beth and Dick, and saw Mom with Blake and it kind of made me feel off. Like, I thought I was used to it by now, but every so often it still gets to me. Then I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t have a mom anymore. It made me realize that this whole time I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, I never once thought about how you were dealing.”
“I’m a man, Tara. I don’t need a mom,” Will muttered.
“But that’s not true. Yeah, you’re 18, but you and I both know, especially now that we don’t have one, you always need a mom. Or at least someone that you know cares about you…” I trailed off. His eyes snapped to me.
“I have you,” he stated. Then he immediately looked embarrassed. I felt a surge of pride and sadness wash over me. My brother shouldn’t have to rely on his kid sister to be the only one he knew that cared about him. Guilt was lapping at my feet, reminding me that I’d been too busy being wrapped up in myself to have checked in on Will. We’d both lost our Dad and our Mom. Just because she was here physically really didn’t mean much.
“Yes, Will,” I said, “You Do have me. I am so sorry if I haven’t been that compassionate about how you’ve been dealing with everything. I have a lot of excuses, but I now realize that I’ve just been self-concerned. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” I looked him in the eye. This was a little weird, we didn’t usually talk about our feelings, but I was beginning to realize that it was really just he and I these days.
“Wow Tara, you’ve suddenly grown a heart.” That cut me more than I would have thought it would. I glanced at him and he must have seen the hurt in my eyes, because he suddenly looked contrite. “No. That was mean. I’m sorry.” My brother never apologized.
“It’s ok. I shouldn’t have come in here. It was stupid.”
“No. It wasn’t stupid. You know I can’t really talk about my feelings. Shit. If I allow myself to tap into that, I’ll break. I’m sorry. I do appreciate your checking in with me. I can’t really talk about this stuff, though. I still can’t believe Dad left us. Just… left. And I keep thinking Mom will snap out of it. But I also remind myself that I don’t have that much time left having to live here. I’m graduating this year, and for once, I regret not working harder at school so I’d have a more viable option for college. Regardless, I’m 18 and the second I’m done with High School, I’m out of here.” I knew this was the case, but I still felt it tug on my heart. Will and I were so close in age, we’d kind of grown up together. He’d always been there, and knowing he wouldn’t be, and soon, hurt. It kind of scared me, truthfully. I didn’t realize I relied on him, but I suddenly understood that even though he didn’t do much, knowing he was around provided me with a comfort I hadn’t identified.
“Yeah.” It was all I could say.
“I’m sorry Tar. You know I love you.” I did? I guess I did. “But I can’t take it. This house is suffocating, and I am counting the days until I escape. My only regret is that you have a whole year left here after I leave. It actually hurts me to think about you here alone with them, but I can’t stay. Please don’t ask me to stay.” I would never. I would always let him have the life he wanted, even if it meant I couldn’t.
He rubbed his hazel eyes with both palms, an act that made him look terribly young and reminded me of when we were growing up. Will and I had the same eyes, except he was blessed with eyelashes for days, something I’d always envied. I looked away and then just sat there. I really didn’t know how to put my feelings into words.
“Tara. Look at me. I need to know that you’re ok, too. I’m your big brother. I’m the one who is supposed to take care of you and I’ve totally failed. I haven’t wanted to talk to you because I feel like a failure. Dad may have abandoned us, but he was a good man, and I feel like he’d be so disappointed in me. I feel so disappointed in myself.” He stared off.
Was this my brother? I felt horrible that I’d always discounted his ability to feel anything at any real level. But I guess I was the one in the wrong, never allowing him to open up to me. All I knew was that this was all too much for anyone to be dealing with, especially alone.
“And thank you. Thank you Tara, for making sure our family hasn’t starved or dissolved. I know Mom has lost it, and Beth apparently doesn’t give two shits, but you’ve kept us ok. And thanks for that night of my birthday. I was a mess, and although I was totally out of it, I was still aware that you were there and taking care of me.” He finally looked at me and I was startled by the honesty and vulnerability in his eyes. “I was kind of scared, I’ve never been that wasted. But at the same time, I felt reassured because I knew that you were there and I knew that no matter what, you would take care of me. That doesn’t reflect all that well on me, but I wanted to say thanks. I just haven’t found the right time.”
I kind of just stared at him. Finally I stuttered, “No prob. You know I love you too, I’d do anything for you and the family.” He sort of shrugged, walking over to his game console and starting a video game. Clearly this conversation was over.
“Um, ok? I’m glad we had this talk. Thank you. Bye Will.” I sort of stumbled after I got off of the bed, but he barely glanced up. I guess he’d used up his emotions. I left his room and went into mine. Wow. That was intense. I had no idea he’d had all of those feelings pent up inside him. I felt like a real jerk that I hadn’t even considered he might be having a hard time with all of this. He was always just so self assured and cocky. But that was Will for you. I figured that I wouldn’t get a flash of emotion from him for another few…ever. That was ok. He’d told me how he felt, and I suddenly felt a little lighter. I wasn’t as alone in this as I’d thought.
꧁8꧂
I finally got around to asking Will about Homecoming. He had a date, a senior girl I was vaguely familiar with, and I told him about Bobby. He didn’t seem too interested which was a relief and also indicated that I hadn’t seemed too interested in Bobby. It was nice to have an excuse to do something social, though. Before Dad left, I was actually kind of cool.
I asked Will if Zach was going, out of curiosity and also for Sarah’s sake, but he cut me look. I was so sick of everyone assuming Zach and I were secretly in love with each other. How many times did I have to say that I loved him in a brotherly way? Unfortunately, it had finally started to ap
proach ‘doth protest too much’ territory so I just zipped it. Zach was going, apparently with a cheerleader, but Will was meeting up with his guy friends before the dance.
I invited Sarah over to get ready with me. I was not so brilliant when it came to hair and Sarah loved doing mine, so it worked out. As she wrapped my hair around the large barrel curling iron, she sighed.
“What’s wrong, Baby Boo?” I asked, looking at her in the mirror. Sarah looked down.
“Nothing. I guess I just wish I had an actual date. No one asked me and no one notices me.” Poor thing.
“That is not true. You are super cute. Just because no one asked you doesn’t mean anything. They probably only wanted an easy lay.” Shit. I had a date. What did that say about me?
“No. Stop trying to comfort me. I’m fine. I guess I just wish that for once, guys saw me as desirable and not just down right adorable,” she smirked. I knew what she meant. It was true, she did have a Fraggle Rock essence to her, but she was also really pretty. With her curly black hair, her dark eyes, and her high cheekbones, she had a real beauty to her. Unfortunately, the fact that she wore pigtails and jumpers all the time didn’t accentuate her draw. I just hugged her. I’d been through this enough times to know that trying to convince her otherwise was pointless.
“Hey. Girly, look at me.” She did. “We’re going to have a blast tonight and that’s the only reason we’re going. We are gonna tear that shit up.” I winked at her and she laughed, resuming her work on my hair. I caught her eyes in the mirror and blew her a kiss. She finally looked like her usual self.
Hair and make-up done, I pulled on my dress and stepped into my heels. That was one thing about me; I was super short, so I insisted on wearing very high heels whenever I bothered to dress up. Before Dad left, my mom and Beth would always mock me, telling me I’d trip and break an ankle in the heels I insisted on wearing, but I always just shined it on.
Sarah had also helped with my makeup; for someone who tended to sneak under the radar, she really knew her stuff. I suddenly pictured her completely coifed and made up, wearing a bathrobe and eating ice cream at her house on a Saturday night. I laughed out loud and she cut me a look. I stifled it, but I couldn’t help being amused by the image. When we were ready, I squirted my perfume all around us and we ran through the mist, giggling. Stumbling out into the hall, I practically ran into Will.
“Well, don’t you look nice,” I said to him, surveying how he’d cleaned himself up. He was dressed in his dress slacks, white dress shirt, and a blazer. Of course, I could see his Social Distortion tee through the dress shirt. He hadn’t completely turned to the dark side. “Social D. Nice.” Then we high fived and the three of us walked down the stairs. Sarah always got really quiet around Will, which used to annoy the crap out of me, but I’d grown used to it. For a long time, he had referred to her as my ‘friend, the mime’. I used to punch him in the arm for that, but since we hadn’t been that close recently, he hadn’t mentioned it for a while. I felt a weird pressure in my chest thinking about that.
“Will, are you driving to the dance?” I asked.
“I told you I was meeting with the guys first. We want to make an epic entrance.” He looked smug.
“You are Not the Rat Pack and you are definitely not as cool as the guys from Entourage. Get over it,” I retorted. Shockingly, he snorted. “Whatevs. Sarah and I will see you at the dance then.” I started walking toward the front door.
“Wait. I thought you had a date. What about that Bob guy?” he surprised me by asking.
“It’s Bobby.” Where was this going?
“He isn’t taking you to the dance?” I could sense the irritation in his voice.
“Well, he offered, but I said I’d just meet him there. This isn’t like a romantic thing, you know…” I sort of trailed off. Will looked annoyed.
“How is it not romantic? He asked you because he obviously likes you. Why else would he ask you?” Why wasn’t Will letting this go?
“Uhhh…” I was so not going to go there. “We’re just going as friends. Get your panties out of a bunch, bro.” With that, I pushed Sarah out of the house and over to her car. She startled a little when I gave her an extra push, since she was just standing by the car staring off.
“I don’t know how you have the moxie to talk to your brother like that,” she said once we were in the car, her voice filled with awe.
“Duh. He’s my brother. That’s what I do.” Also, ‘moxie’? I almost snickered.
“But he’s…Will.” She looked at me with a wide-eyed expression.
“He’s Will. That’s the point.” She still stared at me. “He’s my loser brother and I will talk to him how I damn well please. Seriously Sarah, drive us to school so we can get a little dancing in. We shouldn’t be wasting time sitting here when we could be shaking our booties on the dance floor. And girl, we look good so lets go strut our stuff.” She still stared at me. Then, snapping her mouth shut, she shifted the car into drive and we were off.
Ten minutes later, we’d arrived at school. Sadly, our Homecoming dance was being held in the Multi Purpose Room. Luckily, the MPR also happened to be where the theater stage was, allowing a local band from the town over to provide our musical accompaniment. They were Ska mixed with Reggae mixed with Surf Rock, and personally, I really liked them. I’d been to see them play several times, and I silently thanked whoever had arranged for them to be here.
Grooving to some Dancehall, I suddenly felt a frantic tapping on my bare shoulder. I turned around and it was Bobby. He had this grin on his face, and then he was stuttering and jabbering away. He was so happy to see me, he was so thankful I’d come with him (I’d technically come with Sarah), he couldn’t believe how pretty I looked. That part I actually appreciated. Not that I really cared what he thought, but a girl loves to hear that she looks good. I had to admit, he looked good in his suit, his mop of hair was styled for a change and he really did look cute. I was about to tell him so when there was a commotion at the entrance.
Apparently my brother had shown up. Yay. He came in loudly, with his little posse trailing him, and sized up the room. His eyes slid over Bobby and then me, taking everything in, then returned to Bobby. The look he gave him was downright cruel. Poor Bobby. He hadn’t even done anything. I scowled at Will and he ignored me. Dick.
The rest of the guys were checking things out. Mike and Paul were clearly searching for the girls they had arranged to go to the dance with, while Zach had his cheerleader on his arm and looked like the cat that caught the canary. Gag. Then I noticed Calen. I swear, it was like time stopped when I was near him. I suddenly couldn’t hear the band or the cacophony of everyone’s conversations around me. All I could hear was a rushing in my ears. He looked phenomenal, dressed in a dark suit, a green shirt that brought out his eyes even more, and….a bow tie. It was truly adorable. I think I may have sighed because Bobby looked at me strangely.
While I was trying to get my bearings, Calen glanced at me. Our gaze locked. Then he appraised me appreciatively and winked. Oh. My. God. No way he just winked at me. And no way my legs felt like jelly. I seriously needed to get a grip. I turned away from him and grabbed Bobby’s arm, dragging him towards where Sarah had found Jenny, Sam, and Lisa. I felt relieved to be away from Calen’s gaze. If he looked at me like that for any longer, I’d have gone to him like the walking dead and that would not have been pretty.
“Hi guys!” I said with a false gaiety. The girls squealed, and then we all proceeded to talk over each other as we praised one another and commented loudly about how amazing everyone looked. Eventually, we got bottled water and rocked out to the band. A particular song came on and I grabbed my girls and dragged them to the dance floor. I loved Rocksteady. We’d come with dates (minus Sarah) but we mostly just partied as a group. The band played a few slower sets and Bobby got several opportunities to hold me in his arms. He was pretty cute, but I still felt like part of me, the teenage girl in me, sort of died when Dad left a
nd I’d had to clean up the pieces. To give Bobby his due, he did his best to make our night romantic, constantly telling me how nice I looked and how happy he was that I’d agreed to come with him. Even in my killer heels, I was still a little shorter than him, but that sort of added to the romance.
We were sort of swaying to the music when I felt a caress on my shoulder. I turned and locked eyes with a pair of very green ones, the very same I saw in my dreams. Calen smirked a little, before looking at Bobby.
“Mind if I cut in?” he asked. “Tara?”
Bobby sort of stuttered, looked at me for approval, then back at Calen. I could only nod as Calen unlatched me from Bobby and swept me up.
“Don’t you have a date?” I asked
“Don’t you have any manners?” he asked, but his eyes danced with amusement. I shrugged.
“I just figured your cheerleader wouldn’t be too happy sharing her date.” He smirked again.
“Don’t worry about me. My cheerleader is somewhere barfing her guts out. She did a little pre-partying. I’m actually here to have a good time.” He flashed a grin. God, his teeth were so white and straight. Contrasting with his caramel complexion, they were mesmerizing. But, nothing like his eyes. Good God Girl, compose yourself.
We continued to dance and he looked like he could barely hold back his smile. There was perpetual amusement on his face.
“What are you smiling at?” I asked, my eyes squinting.
“Well I’d say you, but you aren’t exactly being a real sweetheart right now.” He looked pointedly in my eyes.
“Sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. He always seemed to have this effect on me. Why could I be so entertaining and snarky around everyone else, but when Calen came around, I lost my ability to do just about everything? “Did you come with Will?” It was all I could think to ask. I couldn’t concentrate. He held me close to his chest and his arms were warm and comforting around me.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 5