“Uh. Huh.” Then he turned around and started to leave. Oh no, I don’t think so.
“Wait.” He stopped and slowly turned around. “You came into my room to say ‘Hi’, but now you’re leaving without having cleared anything up? I do not understand you, Calen Havenfield.” I noticed he fought off a smile.
“Well. I guess we’re finally on the same page.” Personally, I wasn’t sure we were in the same chapter, but whatever. “Tara, I told you to call me. You didn’t. I am not going to harass you. Clearly you decided not to pursue whatever this was with me.” Ack. He had told me to call him. “Not to mention, I came over here the next morning and you were cuddled up with another guy. I am having a hard time seeing what I have done wrong in this situation.” Oh. So that’s why he asked about Zach.
Fighting to find my voice, I finally managed an eloquent, “Oh...” I had risen up on my knees on the bed so that I could feel like I was talking to Calen face to face. “Zach is seriously like a brother to me. I’ve known him my whole life. I guess I accidentally fell asleep on him in the living room. He was probably holding me up so I wouldn’t drool on him.” Calen looked skeptical. “And I guess I just assumed you could never actually be interested in someone like me,” I rushed on, “I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable or obligated.” This whole thing had made a lot more sense in my head.
Calen just looked at me.
“I know I have ruined any chance I had with you. So if you don’t mind, can you not bring this up later, and allow me to maintain some semblance of dignity?” I was so pathetic. He still hadn’t said anything.
Suddenly, he was right in front of me. He grabbed me gently by the shoulders and pulled me toward him. Then, all I knew was that his lips were on mine, pressing down, almost tentatively. I reached around him, one of my hands curling in his hair. His lips became more insistent, his arms pulling me tighter against him. His chest was warm and hard. Yes, I told myself, this was happening. His lips felt like silk. They were both yielding and demanding. I felt like anytime I had been kissed before didn’t count. Nothing had been like this.
Suddenly he pulled away. My breath caught.
“I’m sorry, Tara. I shouldn’t have done that. I had hoped our first kiss would be under more romantic circumstances, but I couldn’t hold back.” He stepped backwards, distancing himself from me, almost as if he didn’t trust himself. He was barely a few inches from the door.
I was speechless.
“No.” I said, finally finding my voice.
“No?” He paled.
“No. You don’t just get to come in here, kiss me like that, and then apologize and leave.” I got off the bed and stalked toward him. He took a step back.
The Boss was Back.
I practically jumped on him, slamming him back. He leaned against the door as I crushed my lips to his.
I might need a little work on this whole seduction thing.
Apparently, he didn’t think so. He pulled my against him, the lengths of our bodies pressed up against each other, his muscles taut and hard. Meow. Only kissing, but it meant so much. Finally I pulled away, breathing heavily, and wondering if people had ever passed out from kissing. He seemed to be having the same battle with his own breathing. We just stared at each other. My entire body was buzzing with electricity.
I looked up at him, lifting my hand and lightly caressing his cheek. He leaned down, softly kissing me. I gently bit his bottom lip and a quite growl escaped him. When we pulled apart, I stepped back but held his gaze, standing my ground. “This time, you can call me.”
“Until then, Tara.” With that, he turned around and left.
I closed the door and then slid down. Sitting on the floor, I wondered if I was awake. It was a good thing he’d left. Apparently, self-control and I had had a terrible argument and were now estranged. No way I’d tackled him like that. Thank god I had. If I never had another happy moment in my life, at least I’d had that. Wow.
Sarah would kill me, but I didn’t call her. I felt greedy with my memories, holding them close and replaying the scene on repeat. I started blasting Led Zeppelin and glanced in the mirror. This crazy smile would not leave my face.
I think I was falling for this boy. I prayed he wouldn’t break my heart.
꧁17꧂
It seemed like an unspoken understanding between Calen and me. We just automatically kept everything from Will. He was my brother, but I still did not understand what his deal was. Although, I noticed that Will needed to borrow my car a lot more often and always on Saturday nights. Surprisingly, that didn’t bother me. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that Calen and I were also a little busy on Saturday nights.
Thanksgiving was now around the corner. Calen and I were hidden away in the pantry, where he’d come upon me after telling the guys he was going to the bathroom. At this rate, they probably thought he had a bladder infection. We were still pretty innocent, but a Lot of kissing was going down. I think my tongue was doing an oral cavity search when the door opened on us. I practically screamed as Calen jumped as far away from me as possible, which was probably like a foot. It was just a pantry.
Dick started laughing hysterically, getting an evil look in his eye. “Oh, you two! I have been placing bets with Beth about when Tara would finally start creeping around. Too bad I lost, I assumed she’d be bed hopping a little after her dad left.” He continued laughing. I wanted to punch him. He kept going, “I’ve always wondered how many of Will’s friends she is stringing along.” I glared at him.
Calen stood up straight and suddenly seemed even taller. His hands clenched at his sides, and he looked like he was willing himself to remain calm. He was almost radiating energy. Dick took a step back and his smile started to fade. Calen looked him in the eyes and said, “You never saw this. Leave here.” Dick looked at him a little slack jawed, then swiveled around and left. I guess that was better than Calen punching Dick, but weird, for sure.
“Um, wow.” I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean, I preferred we just go back to making out, but I guessed we had to address what had happened. Calen’s jaw clenched, then he exhaled. He turned to me and he had an almost pleading look in his eyes.
“I’m sorry Tara. I just couldn’t stand him talking about you like that.” I shrugged. I didn’t give a tiny rat’s ass about anything that came out of Dicko’s mouth. He was a moron and he was the one who’d knocked his girlfriend up. I had developed a sort of indifference to him.
“It’s fine. Seriously, he’s an idiot,” I waved my hand in a discounting gesture. “Sometimes when he’s talking, I like to pretend that he is speaking in another language. Then I respond to him with lots of gestures and pantomime. It adds a little amusement to my life. Sadly, he’s never as confused by this as you’d think.” I could only smirk.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. I get kind of protective of you,” Calen met my eyes. I smiled shyly at him. I could get used to this. Standing on my tip toes, I kissed his cheek. He pulled me to him and our lips met. I guess I wasn’t the only one who needed the physical contact.
Finally he pulled back and sighed. Not letting go of me, he stared into my eyes. It looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it. I hoped it was something sexy. He chuckled a little. Dude. Did I say that aloud? He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the pantry. Giving my hand a last squeeze, he left me in the laundry room as he returned to the Dunce Army.
I waited a bit, then exited as well. The guys were really morons, or at least very imperceptive. As I waltzed through the living room, acting every bit as if I was just doing my normal routine, none of them noticed the longing gaze I shot at Calen, or the super sexy smile he shot back at me.
I really needed to stop thinking I was dreaming.
Deciding that I was annoyed by Dick and his constant interruptions, not to mention his blatant disrespect towards me, I went straight to Beth’s room. Pounding on the door, she finally answered in her robe. Did they just ‘do it’ all the
time? Is that why neither of them had jobs? Then I saw Blake and prayed they weren’t doing it with him in the room.
“Yes?” She asked. She didn’t seem as accommodating as last time. I wondered if she feared that my showing up at their door might become a regular thing. Don’t worry, I wanted to say.
“Actually, I wanted to talk to Richard.”
She looked a little surprised and then turned over her shoulder and hollered, “Baby!” Dick came out of the bathroom, thankfully clothed, and looked at me a little confused.
“What’s up Tara?” He asked.
“Um, well I was just wondering if you’d considered what Calen asked you to do.” If he hadn’t told Beth yet, I didn’t want to show all of my cards.
“Who?” He asked. His confusion appeared to be growing.
“Calen. You know….”
“Is he that gorgeous young man who hangs out with Will? He is really dreamy,” Beth interjected. I felt my blood boil a little. Was this what jealousy felt like?
“Well, I don’t think I’ve met him. Tara, I’m pretty exhausted so I think I have to ask you to leave. I’m going to be taking a nap.” Dick really did look beat.
“Um, ok. Sorry to bother you guys.” With that, I left their room and went upstairs.
What was that? Dick was acting like he really didn’t remember what Calen and I were doing in the pantry. The whole thing seemed weird, but I also figured that Beth and Dick had smoked their share of the old wacky tobacky so that was probably the culprit. I shook my head.
Forgetting the issue, I reached for my cell and dialed Sarah. She answered after the first ring and for a second, my heart hurt a little. I had been neglecting her and was suddenly feeling really guilty. “Hey Sar Bear, what’s shakin’ bacon?”
“Hi Tar Bear.” She sounded a little weary. My stomach dropped a little.
“What’s up? Is something wrong?” I asked. She was quiet for a bit.
“No…nothing is wrong. I mean, I miss you, but that’s not really the whole issue.” She sounded pretty down.
“What’s the whole issue? Let Miss Tara tackle your issues and then you can return to being footloose and fancy-free.” She didn’t laugh. “Seriously, Sarah, what’s wrong?”
“It’s just that you have your things going on, and Sam is caught up in some romance that she wont disclose details about, and Jenny and Lisa have always been besties like you and I, and….” She trailed off. Oh.
“Sarah, don’t feel like you’ve been abandoned. I love you. Sam and Jenny and Lisa love you. Sometimes we get wrapped up in stuff, but you just have to call us out. I spend the majority of my time locked in my house doing nothing. I will make more of an effort to call you when I have down time. But you need to call me too. I love you.” I heard her sniffle. Was she crying? Crap.
“Seriously Sarah. You’re my best friend. I mean, you’re the only one who knows about Calen and me. But you’re right. I am sorry if you feel neglected.” I felt a very strong pang of guilt. She had known about Calen, but I hadn’t exactly been forthcoming in regards to the fact that we were still going hot and heavy, with an extra side of hot.
“Ok, Tara. I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself. And I’m a little jealous. I wish a hot guy would look at me.” She sounded wistful and what I didn’t say was that I knew she just wanted Zach to look at her. I knew she understood my relationship with Zach, but I also knew she was a little envious that he and I had such an easy report. I’d often catch her watching us as we did our trademark easy going routine. I was glad I hadn’t told her about waking up with his arm around me.
Finally, after reminding her of multiple instances of when Will totally embarrassed himself by being a doofus growing up and eventually getting her to giggle, we hung up, after I assured her that we’d hang tomorrow.
***
When I wasn’t hanging out with the girls, or creeping around my house trying to figure out if Calen was there, I was running. It really helped focus me. As much as I hated returning home and having the guys see me in all of my sweaty glory, I needed to run free. I also kind of loved the way Calen would check me out whenever he saw me pass by in my workout clothes. I sensed he liked the tight pants.
I had gotten a turkey and all the fixings for Thanksgiving, wondering if my family would even remember the holiday. I wanted to cook dinner, but hated the idea of putting in the work only to discover that no one showed up. I decided that it was worth a try. If no one cared this year, I wouldn’t bother next year.
I finally worked up the nerve to bring it up, when Calen slipped into my room a few days before break. He had been doing this more often, but despite the fact that I just wanted to make out, he insisted we should sometimes actually spend some quality time together. What a prude.
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” We were lying side by side on my bed. I never knew how he managed to spend time with me, with no one in the house catching on. My brother must be Really dense.
He looked at me expectantly, our foreheads practically touching. “What have you been meaning to ask?” His tone was measured. Great. He probably thought I was going to ask him to marry me, or something equally insane.
“Well, I’m making Thanksgiving dinner. If you would like to come, I wanted you to know that you’re more than welcome.” Calen’s face actually lit up. I guess he really had been scared of whatever he assumed I’d been meaning to ask him.
Finally he responded, “Thank you Tara. That is a very sweet invitation. Unfortunately, I always have Thanksgiving dinner with my Grandfather. But maybe I can stop by after for desert…I do love Pumpkin Pie.” I smiled at him. Then I thought, Crap. Better go back to the store since I’d forgotten about desert. He laughed. My expression must have betrayed me.
“It’s like you can read my mind sometimes.” I kept smiling. His grin faded. What had I said? Did I offend him somehow?
Calen shook his head and then pulled me to him, drawing me against his chest. He just held me there and I could feel the thud of his heart through his shirt. I sighed. He kissed my forehead and then rolled off of the bed. He gave me a last searing look, and then left. I just groaned and rolled over. It was always like this, the excitement of our ‘illicitness’ being rewarding, but sometimes I worried about where we stood or how this would end.
***
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I went out with Calen. We had arranged to go to a movie, a comedy we had both agreed on. I still refused to see movies centered around gratuitous violence, less because I had some kind of holier than thou attitude and more because they tended to be snoozefests, and he vaguely hinted that romantic ‘chick-flicks’ would require a new deal between us. I wasn’t quite ready to contemplate what kind of deal he was implying so we settled on comedy. Mostly I just liked to hear him laugh…He claimed the same.
Personally, I had been told by far too many people that my laugh was really loud, so I was slightly self-conscious. I knew I got lost in the moment when something was funny, and I knew I should feel embarrassed, but I usually just felt liberated when I started laughing hysterically. I smiled to myself as I was thinking about this. I realized in that moment that if Calen liked my laugh, so did I. It was like everyone else disappeared when it came to him. How had I struck gold?
On the way to the movies, I got a little anxious because there were only two theaters in our town. What if Will was seeing a movie? Or other people we knew? I was suddenly regretting this decision. Calen reached over and grabbed my hand. “You know I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you, right?” I just stared straight ahead. “We never actually discussed how we wanted to handle our relationship, but I don’t want you to feel like I want it to be a dirty little secret.” He glanced at me, then back at the road. And Yes, he had called what we had a ‘relationship’. Wow. My heart flipped over.
“I have no problem being open with what we’re doing, Tara. But you have always been in the driver’s seat. I follow your lead.” I have?
“Wel
l I’m still surprised that you would even talk to me, Calen, so I’m certainly not the one in the driver’s seat.”
“But Tara, you are. You always have been. You’re the one who chose ‘Date’ over ‘Group’.” He smiled at me, like the memory brought him a little bit of happiness. I swooned.
“Ok. I think this an equal opportunity…relationship…but I’m glad that we don’t need to sneak around. I’m still a little weird about Will, though. It doesn’t feel right yet. Maybe I’m just gun-shy with him, being my big brother and all, but I am just not certain that I want him to know my personal details.” Calen nodded.
“Of course. It is your prerogative.” We were silent for a few minutes. Then he said, “I wake up every morning and want to tell the world that I’m with you.” He did? Why? I was such a loser. “But then sometimes there is something so hot about the clandestine nature of our relationship.” Hot? Something having to do with me was hot?
We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. Walking up to the theater, Calen captured my hand. He pulled me to him and looked into my eyes. “You’re not a loser, Tara.”
What? I almost squeaked like Sarah. My brain was not functioning. There was way too much input going on, so I focused on the fact that it felt so right as we walked hand in hand up to the ticket counter and purchased our tickets. I insisted on paying this time, something he rarely allowed me to do. He just stood back. When I handed him his ticket, all he said was, “You’re the driver. But thanks.”
Why did he keep pretending that I was in charge? He was the hot basketball player who all of the girls wanted. And I knew this to be true. All of the girl gossip trickled down, not to mention the fact that our chemistry teacher had read a note he’d confiscated, aloud to the class. I believe the exact words were, “I would do Calen H. anywhere and anyhow he wanted.” At the time, I’d almost thrown up.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 12