“God, that look on your face is priceless,” Sam said as we were collecting our trash.
“What look?”
“Um, that look that says you have puppies and unicorns floating on clouds under rainbows in your head?” I quickly wiped my expression blank and then gave her a death glare. “Whatever,” she said, “I’m just saying.” I mentally pictured her slipping on a banana peel in front of the whole cafeteria.
***
Not long after, it was Friday night and I was sprawled out on my bed. Calen and I hadn’t had much opportunity to talk in the last few days, so we had no real plans for the weekend. I still got a little uncertain about where we stood, especially at times like this, so my heart leapt when I got a text from him.
Come over?
I quickly wrote back, saying that I’d be there in a bit. That’s right! I had a super hot guy asking me to come over. I did a little dance.
Changing into a slightly cuter top, I brushed out my hair. Then I scowled at my reflection and twisted my hair into a bun. I thundered down the stairs, praying that Will wasn’t listening, and hopped into my car. Despite how close we had gotten, my heart still pounded around Calen, and the anticipation and excitement of his inviting me over was still slightly overwhelming. Attempting to calm myself, I pulled up to his house. I texted him that I was here; I was a little hesitant to just walk right up and ring the bell.
His front door opened as I walked up. Assuming it was Calen, I hurried my pace. As I approached, I realized that the tall man with the broad shoulders was not Calen. I suddenly felt awkward. This must be his grandfather. I pulled up short, directly in front of him. The man was quite handsome, for an older gentleman, with salt and pepper hair. His face had a slightly worn quality to it, but he was not at all what I imagined grandfathers looked like. This was no Santa Claus. He seemed to radiate strength, his shoulders high and straight. He was probably in his mid sixties, but it was clear that Calen came by his good looks honestly. After what felt like an eternity, he spoke to me.
“And what do we have here?” He asked, a twinkle in his eye. Maybe I was wrong to be intimidated.
“Hello sir, I’m Tara. I’m here to see Calen.” A coolness swept over his face, forcing me to work at not taking a step back. Before he could answer, I heard Calen.
“Grandfather, you could ask her in. It’s cold outside.” There was a hint of annoyance in his voice. I wasn’t used to hearing his tone like that, since he was always so warm with me. His grandfather seemed slightly taken aback, but quickly stepped away from the doorway.
“Of course. Excuse my manners. I just hadn’t been expecting any visitors so I was slightly surprised. Please come in, Tara.” I suddenly didn’t want to. But then I caught Calen’s eye, and the comfort he always brought washed over me. I stepped inside.
Grabbing my hand, Calen turned to his grandfather. “We are going to be watching a movie upstairs. I will see you later.” The older man didn’t answer as Calen pulled me towards the stairs. It could have been my imagination, but as we climbed the stairs, I felt his grandfather’s stare boring into me. Hmm. That didn’t seem to go well.
Calen pulled me into the den, closing the door softly behind us. I felt oddly tense. I guess I just hadn’t been expecting to meet Calen’s grandfather for the first time, or maybe our meet and greet just felt off. I mean, I knew he was here in the abstract, but in all of the times I’d been here, we’d never crossed paths. I wondered if that was intentional on Calen’s part. The fleeting thought was quickly replaced by curiosity about whether or not Calen had been properly introduced to my mom. She seemed to know who he was, but I’d never actually seen them together in the same room. I guess things were complicated because he was Will’s friend.
I shook my head. I had been way too caught up in my own thoughts recently. I looked at Calen and he was regarding me warily. I wondered what facial expressions had been playing across my face. I forced my mind to become blank, then smiled at him because what mattered was that I was here with him and happy to be so. He instantly smiled back, looking a little relieved.
“Thanks for inviting me over,” I said. I wanted to forget everything but Calen and me.
“Thanks for coming. I know it was a little rude not to come pick you up.”
“That’s silly. I have a car, and why would you need to pick me up to come to your house. You’d eventually have to take me back home,” I replied.
“Eventually,” he said, his eyes flashing, “Maybe I should have picked you up.” Oh. Oh. I liked where this was heading. He reached toward me and I went to him. Before I knew what was happening, he was holding me in his arms. Being with Calen, the world stood still. It was like he was a balm to my emotional wounds. I suddenly wondered if being with Calen was turning me into a sap. I glanced at him and he had that amused smirk on his face.
Sitting down on the couch, Calen pulled me onto his lap. Add another experience to my growing list of Amazing Things with Calen. I gazed into his eyes and I wondered how I’d lived without him in my life. I sighed as I leaned into his chest and he pressed his lips to my forehead.
Finally, I slipped off and settled in beside him. He put on the TV, settling on an old movie from the fifties. I really didn’t care what we watched, as long as I was pressed up against him and breathing in his scent, but I actually did like this movie. Perhaps the slow rise and fall of his chest and the soft rhythm of his breathing was soothing, because I soon drifted off to sleep.
I awoke to him caressing my cheek and softly calling my name. My eyes opened and he was leaning over me, gently trying to rouse me. I smiled sleepily at him and was rewarded with his dazzling smile.
“It’s time to get up. Tara, your mom will be worried.” Doubtful. I almost rolled my eyes. Instead I burrowed in deeper against him and felt the rumble of his laugh. “Tar, please. Don’t make this harder for me. It’s like ripping off a band-aid extra slowly, having to tell you to go home.” I made a kind of mewing sound.
His voice was hoarse when he next spoke. “Oh Tara. What you do to me…I think you hardly have any idea.” I finally forced myself to sit up and look at him. The way he was gazing at me, the longing and hunger in his eyes, almost made me come undone. He looked like I was torturing him. Maybe I was. I felt a flare of pride. But the reality was that I never wanted to see him in any pain. Lifting up, I kissed him lightly, knowing he was right and I probably should go home. I was mentally kicking myself that I’d wasted all of this time with him, sleeping.
“I’m sorry,” I said. He looked like there were so many things he wanted to say, but couldn’t decide on a single one. “Really,” I continued. “I ruined our night by falling asleep the minute I got here. I sometimes wonder if I have narcolepsy or something…” I trailed off.
“Don’t say you’re sorry. I can’t have that. I’m glad that you got some rest- you obviously need it. And believe me, spending my night with you cuddled up against me is more than I could hope for. Not to mention how peaceful you look in your sleep. Its like all of the hardship you endure just melts away.” He closed his eyes. When they reopened, he seemed to have regained control of his emotions.
He stood, offering me his hands and pulling me up. It was sure a good thing that he was in this relationship too, because if we were both like me, caution would have been thrown to the wind a long time ago. He winked at me. I just shook my head as I tried to get my brain to start working again.
Leaning in, his lips brushed my ear as he asked, “Are you ok to drive?” I knew I was. I also knew I didn’t want to. Oh well.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little groggy. Maybe I could have a glass of water?” That would help wake me up.
“For you? The world.” I must still be asleep.
We headed downstairs, where it was mostly dark and seemingly deserted. I guess his grandfather had retired. Maybe it was later than I’d realized. After getting me the water, which I greedily gulped down, Calen walked me to the door. He leaned down and gave me a sweet kiss. W
hen we broke apart, I just looked into his eyes. His pupils had dilated in the dimness and his green eyes looked almost black.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“Don’t worry, I don’t mind driving over here. It’s not far.” He shook his head. I didn’t understand, but that was par for the course. He pulled me against him one last time, then walked me to my car. As I drove away, I could still see him in the rearview mirror, just standing on his lawn. I thought to myself, I could be with Calen forever and still feel like the luckiest girl alive.
꧁20꧂
As if a dark cloud had settled over my life, Calen called me and told me that we needed to talk. My stomach dropped, and I felt a little sick. What did he want to talk about? Had I done something? Was he mad at me? Was he breaking up with me? His serious tone had already told me that this wasn’t a good talk. Like as in, he wasn’t going to tell me he’d bought me a puppy, or that they’d come out with a new flavor of ice cream. I agreed to meet him at his house, although I sort of felt like if he was the one who wanted to “talk”, he should come to me. But, I didn’t want to push the issue and at least this way, I could leave when I wanted to.
I got there and his grandfather let me in. He was cordial but his smile seemed forced. Very. Calen came down just in time, before I had to start discussing the weather or some other inane topic. He led me to his room. I told myself that this was good, because who dumped someone in their own room? Surely he’d do something like that in his TV den or somewhere that I could be easily kicked out of.
“Tara. I know I don’t need to remind you of how important you are to me…” Oh no. “You are my better half, I wake up in the morning thinking about you, and you are the last thought I have before I fall asleep.” That didn’t sound so bad. “But I need to talk to you about something.” The pendulum was swinging back. I wasn’t sure my heart could withstand this.
“What?” My voice was a little thick.
“Tara, before I moved here, something happened.” I was silent. “About a year and a half ago, something happened that changed my life. I had a car accident and it wasn’t good. Two people died. I barely made it.”
“You almost died!” I blurted out. Calen stilled.
“Tara, I did die.” I must have misheard him. I just sat there.
“Wait, what?” I kept thinking I’d misheard him. Did he mean to say that he thought he was going die?
“Tara. I hoped that I would never have to tell you this. Ever since moving here, I was relieved that no one knew my story. I figured I’d keep this to myself for my whole life and that would be that. I had no idea that I would fall in love. How can I continue to keep something like this from you? Everyday without telling you, I felt like I was lying. How can we have a trustful relationship when I am holding back a glaring secret from you?” His eyes pleaded with me.
Calen was right. We couldn’t have the relationship that we deserved if we were holding back secrets. I suddenly felt a wave of hot guilt. “I found out about the accident. I knew.” I’d never confessed to Calen that I’d stumbled upon the newspaper articles. I had planned to, but something always seemed to get in the way. It was sort of an awkward subject to broach. Especially since two of the three in the car hadn’t lived. I worried about how that must weigh on Calen.
“I figured you had.” He had? But he’d never brought it up. “It’s something I try not to think about, but yet never leaves me. I live with it every day.” He suddenly looked so young. I had an urge to pull him to me and comfort him. “I was terrified of what you thought.”
“Calen, I am not really sure I know what to say. It was tragic, and I know you must blame yourself, but the articles all said it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t speeding and you hadn’t been drinking. I guess the weather just wasn’t on your side that night…” I trailed off. How could I ever think I could find the right words? There were no right words. He put his face in his hands. When he looked up, his eyes were shining. It broke my heart. Gathering him to me, I just held him.
Eventually, he seemed to have gotten ahold of his emotions. He began to speak, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just stared off, as if lost to the memory.
“I’d lost control of the car. We skidded across the road, it was just a two lane highway through the mountain pass. It wound through the mountain, but I’d driven it hundreds of times. It had been raining, so I was actually driving pretty cautiously. We hit a puddle, I now realize, but it was dark enough out and the water on the road was essentially invisible. My tires just couldn’t find traction. I had a split second realization that I was no longer in control of the car before we were sliding across the oncoming lane of traffic. I remember being thankful that we were the only car on the road. We had slipped off the edge of the earth…at least that’s what it felt like. The car careened down the tree-covered drop and I heard a scream of terror from the backseat. I didn’t make a sound. And then the car became one with an ancient redwood.” He gazed off. I held my breath.
“Then, Blackness.” He said the last two words in such a painfully hushed tone that I forced down a sob. We sat in silence. I felt like I needed to say something. I just hadn’t figured out what.
***
I never came up with what to say. Instead I just reached for his hand and he returned my grasp as if clinging to a life preserver. We sat there in silence, just the two of us, holding hands. Calen seemed to be simply trying to breathe.
Finally, he spoke.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s a hard thing, talking about your guilt.” My heart broke. Even worse, I knew what he meant. I’d spent a long time wondering if I’d done anything that had contributed to my dad leaving. We were obviously something he needed to run from, and I always feared I had contributed to that. My rational self told me I was wrong, my emotional self feared the worst.
“Don’t apologize. When could it have ever been the ‘right’ time to explain something like this? I’m the one who should apologize. I never told you that I knew. I guess I was too much of a coward to bring it up. It makes me feel horrible.” He just shook his head. I think Calen felt he had a monopoly on feeling horrible.
“And I can’t believe you came out of it practically unscathed.” I felt stupid the second that it left my mouth, but I couldn’t shove the words back in. He shook his head again, looking down.
“That’s the thing, Tara. I didn’t come out unscathed.” He’d gotten that serious tone again. Actually, he was kind of scaring me a little.
“Calen?” He ran his hands through his hair.
“When I regained consciousness, I felt different. I had no idea what had happened to me, but I did remember the accident. I figured I’d lost consciousness after we’d hit the tree.” I didn’t even want to breathe too loud in case it made him stop telling me this story. “But weird things started happening. I somehow knew about all of my injuries and the doctors’ opinions of the outcomes of them…How some thought I was lucky to be alive, while others resented how young bodies healed so well. Or, how when a couple friends came to visit me in the hospital, I knew that they were a little scared and very thankful I hadn’t been driving with them in the car.
“What do you mean?” I couldn’t help myself.
He kept talking.
“My old girlfriend came by and I realized that she’d considered hooking up with my friend, since she thought she was suddenly in a relationship with an invalid. She wondered if it was wrong to break up with me…I couldn’t keep them out. The Janitor who wondered why he’d bothered to go to community college. The young nurse who feared she’d gotten pregnant when she’d only slept with that intern once. And on and on…” He was starting to look stressed.
And I still wasn’t getting it.
“Tara, are you listening to me?”
“Of course.” I just wasn’t understanding him. He was getting a little worked up, too.
“I thought I was losing my mind. Every time I closed my eyes, my thoughts weren’t mine. I decide
d that I’d had some neurological damage. I began demanding that Grandfather get me checked, that he’d make them check my brain. Something was terribly wrong.” Not knowing what else to do, I reached out and grabbed his hand again.
“Finally, I suspect out of the fear of me being so verbal about my concerns, worrying that the doctors might decide I was psychologically damaged, my Grandfather snapped into action. He demanded every neurological test they could do, and they were done. I had CT scans and MRI’s to check for clots, I had my skull re-x-rayed to double check that it wasn’t fractured, and on and on. Nothing. I was miraculously intact. My Grandfather spared no expense. Finally he came to me and forced me to listen to him. He told me that I had proof that nothing was wrong. I needed to stop assuming that there was, and that my brain had not been damaged.
“I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I broke down and told him everything, how I was hearing everyone. Amazingly, I could never hear my Grandfather, his thoughts were veiled. When I was done, he just looked at me. He seemed slightly taken aback, but he didn’t seem surprised. He looked at me like I hadn’t been spouting crazy talk. He looked thoughtful and almost pleased. How could he be pleased when I was clearly out of my mind?
“Finally he said to me, ‘I think it’s best that we keep this between you and me.’ I must not have been able to hide my shock because he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘You’ll be fine, boy.’ Then he left.
“I kept going over and over what was happening. It seemed impossible, but it was happening. I finally had my proof when a nurse came in. She thought I was sleeping and wondered how such a good looking boy could have found himself in such a situation. What a shame. She wondered what kind of drugs I’d been doing to have caused the accident. I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked her in the eye and said, ‘I have never done any drugs in my life.’ She paled, recoiled, and fled the room.”
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 15