“So Stop this right now. I am in charge here. You will both apologize. You,” I turned to Will, “for trying to punch Calen, and you,” I turned back to Calen, “for not telling Will about us. I apologize for being the driving force behind the fact that we never told Will about us. I am terribly sorry, Will. I never should have kept this from you or asked Calen to do the same. It was unfair and disrespectful. Now, I am leaving and I certainly hope that considering you are both Men, you will be able to get this sorted out without me to referee. Goodnight boys.” With that, I turned to leave the room, not even planning on looking back. Just before I left, I heard Will’s voice.
“Tara, since what you and Calen have is so special,” his words dripping with sarcasm, “then I assume he’s told you about his girlfriend?” I almost stopped midstride. For one idiotic second, I thought Will was referring to me. Then I looked at Calen and he’d paled. No. No. No. No. No.
I dug deep and found a tiny ounce of pride. I lifted my chin and walked out of the room.
꧁22꧂
Throwing myself on my bed, I started to sob. This could not be happening to me. Calen had been the only person who had actually gotten me to believe that I could be happy again, that I could feel again. He had always been so sincere. How could he have a girlfriend? Was Will just saying that to mess with my head and drive a wedge between Calen and me? But he’d said it with such confidence. And Calen’s face had pretty much confirmed it! Nor had he tried to stop me from leaving.
But if he did have a girlfriend, how could the universe be so cruel? Why was I always being kicked when I was down? I couldn’t breathe. I honestly thought I was going to suffocate, drowning in my own tears. Calen betraying me? Of all people…that thought just hurt the worst.
No wonder Will warned you, an ugly little voice in my head whispered. That insidious voice was worming its way into my brain, making me consider how easy it would be to keep me in the dark…if Calen was always one step ahead. If you knew what people were thinking, you’d always be able to head off disaster. Or in this case, prevent me from discovering the truth about another girl. How had I been so stupid? Why had I allowed myself to be vulnerable? Hadn’t I learned when Dad had broken my heart, then Mom broke it all over again? If you never gave your heart away, it stayed intact with you. Instead, mine had been slammed down on the highway and run over by a Mack truck. And ouch. It hurt.
When I didn’t think I could cry anymore, I made it off my bed and went into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and my heart shredded even more. Then I just glared at myself. Stupid. How could I have been so stupid? I knew from the beginning that it was too good to be true. Shit, Will even told me that Calen was out of my league. How had I let him sweet talk me into trusting him? I was the only one at fault.
Sadly, that didn’t make it hurt any less.
I finally crawled back into bed. Curling up, I wanted to sleep until it would no longer hurt. I briefly wondered how Will had figured out about Calen and me, since his response seemed to be emotional and immediate. Funnily enough, I just didn’t care. As I was drifting off, I heard a light knock on my door and I simply ignored it. At this moment, I was the only one who I could be around. And that was hard enough as it was.
***
Sunday morning arrived and when I opened my eyes, reality came crashing back. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming. The emotions hadn’t changed, but I had more energy, which I think made it worse. I just lay there, hating everything and everyone in the world.
Suddenly, without warning, Will charged into my room. Seriously, had he heard of privacy? What if I’d been changing?! Unfortunately, I didn’t care as much as I should. Instead, I shrank away, burying myself deeper in my bedding. He just stood there, arms crossed, looking at me expectantly. I closed my eyes.
“Well?” He asked. I had no idea what he was getting at. “Tara, what the Hell?” I still didn’t respond. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I kind of didn’t care. He was silent for a while and I hoped he’d left. Finally I opened my eyes again. Damn. He was still standing there. Only now his expression was different, sort of incredulous.
“What?” I finally forced out.
“I just busted into your room.” He eyed me expectantly. Apparently whatever he had planned had not come to fruition. “I didn’t even knock.”
“Yeah. I saw.” Even to me, my tone was defeated. It was all I could muster. My heart was broken and I sort of wondered if my spirit was too. Will looked at me like I was the alien baby of one of the characters in his video games. I suddenly got worried that I’d shaved my head in my sleep or something. “Will, please leave.” It was as forceful as I could get.
Will came up to my bed, moving faster than usual. He stared at me, so I closed my eyes. I felt the bed shift as he sat down. Now that was weird. Will never actually came into my room and had certainly never sat down.
“I’m sorry Will, but the slumber party was last week. The girls would be thrilled that you invited yourself but you’re a little late.” Even as I said it, I realized that my voice was dead and there was no real zing to it.
“Tara?” His voice sounded slightly panicked. “Tara!”
“Will, I’m sleeping.” He must not have gotten the right response because suddenly he was pulling me up into a sitting position. I vaguely thought that this was strange, since he was usually so disgusted by me and we were probably 8 or 9 when we’d last hugged. Will wasn’t exactly into physical contact.
“Tara,” he said again.
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” I heard the same flat tone that I figured was now my voice.
“Yell at me. Tell me I’m an asshat or something!” He practically yelled in my face. Asshat. Good one. I just stared at him. He slumped back down on the bed. I didn’t know what his deal was, but more than that, I didn’t care. Apparently all caring went down the crapper after last night.
“Me? Calen? Me yelling at you about Calen?” He looked at me expectantly again. I just slowly shook my head.
“Will. Leave. Please?” Something in my face must have struck a nerve because he got up and walked to the door. He looked back at me and I could have sworn I saw worry etched on his face, but since I was now numb to all emotion, it was hard to say. He opened the door to leave and I weakly called, “Thank you.” He froze. Then he left.
Now alone, I wondered how I’d be able to do anything again. Could I eat? Could I go to school? I no longer felt obligated to be there for my family. They could shop for groceries themselves; they were lazy, not incapable. How long could I not leave my room before the authorities showed up?
My phone buzzed. I ignored it. About 20 minutes later, it buzzed again. An hour later it buzzed again. Not surprisingly, I ignored it. I dragged myself out of bed and put on an old but beloved movie, falling asleep watching it. I was vaguely aware as I was drifting off that my phone was ringing. I ignored it.
I finally woke up and it was dark. I’d slept through the whole day. I started to sit up and a hand brushed the hair off of my face. I knew I should be startled, but I could smell Calen. He was lying next to me. As I came to my senses, I rolled away from him. I wanted to be so angry with him, but I still couldn’t feel anything. I wondered if I was broken. That didn’t seem so bad.
“Tara,” he said. I may be broken, but a girl can get tired of the only thing being said to her, even if it’s her name. And right now, I was sort of pretending I was someone else. Not Tara. Not a girl who’d been abandoned by her father and her mother, whose brother had seemed to enjoy breaking her heart, whose boyfriend had been the true heartbreaker. Boyfriend. I laughed. It was not nice sounding.
Calen was silent for a while. I hoped that he’d get bored and leave. In fact, I prayed he would. And I wasn’t religious.
Finally I found my voice.
“Goodbye.” It was all I could muster. A slight ache had returned to my chest when I’d said it, and I was disappointed. I didn’t want to regain my feelings. I wondere
d if this was how my mom did it. Suddenly, I didn’t hate her quite so much.
“No.”
“No?” I was having Déjà vu. Except not, because this exchange had actually already happened once before.
“No.” Calen was apparently not going to take no for an answer, unless it was his own answer. I didn’t care. Care and I had long since parted company.
“Tara!” That was getting on my nerves, dammit. Could people just leave a poor grieving girl alone? “Look at me.” He sounded like his nerves were on edge, but I couldn’t really find any sympathy for him. Sympathy and I had also had a quarrel. He reached toward me but stopped right before he touched me. Good. I was no longer his to touch.
“I’m no longer yours to touch,” I repeated aloud in my dead girl voice. Man, I should be hired for one of those movies where the dead stand over people’s beds while they’re sleeping. I’d get a freaking Academy Award.
He recoiled from me. I hoped I’d gotten my point across. Then I closed my eyes again. I didn’t have the strength to explain how much I wanted him to leave...needed him to leave. Maybe if I lived passed this, the universe would owe me.
“I’m not leaving. Sorry.” He hadn’t budged. Apparently he wasn’t leaving. Fine. Whatever. He could also discover how long he could go without food. This could make a great research project. I tried to smile, but my mouth seemed to be broken too. Since it appeared that neither of us would be accommodating the other, I just forced myself to try to sleep. It seemed like the least difficult approach.
I awoke with a start. I was having a horrible nightmare of skidding across a road in my car and slipping right off the edge, down the mountainside. I shot straight up, my heart racing. That was awful, and I was shaking with residual terror. I tried to pull the blanket around me, but it didn’t budge. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I realized that the lump beside me was actually a person. And that person was Calen. Oh shit.
Why was he here? I had told him to leave. I assumed that by sleeping, he’d get the message and leave. You know, like a normal person. Something bitter rose up my throat. His girlfriend might be wondering where he was.
I think I was getting unbroken.
I kicked him.
Calen shot up gasping. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. Then he saw me looking at him.
“Tara!” I swear to god, I was changing my name come tomorrow. “Thank you for waking me up. It was happening again.” What? I had no clue what he was talking about and my patience, which was slowly weaving itself back together, hadn’t made it very far. The threads were still very thin.
“Why are you here?” I reached across him and turned on the light. I was about to break again and I have to admit, it didn’t sound so bad. This feeling thing was beyond overrated. I stared at him expectantly.
“Well, which answer would you like?” He had apparently recovered from whatever had been going on when I woke him. “Would you like to hear how your brother called me, practically begging me to come over and “fix you”? He was freaking out.” I was not impressed. “Or would you like to hear about how I wanted to beat the crap out of Will since he took it upon himself to break some horrible news to you, and I saw what it did to you?” I felt a little happy at the thought of Will getting his ass kicked. He’d been awful. Simultaneously, I hoped Calen hadn’t actually done it. I mean, Will was my brother. “Or would you like to hear how I had a girlfriend when I moved here, but I broke up with her a little after I met you?” I felt the ice around my heart melting but I willed it to become an iceberg again. “Or, how about the fact that I’m madly in love with you Tara Ashton, and your pain is my pain? I’m not exactly sure what else you want me to say.” He was standing now, clearly agitated.
Apparently I wasn’t broken. Or, at least not any more so than I had already been. Everything hit me at once. Suddenly, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I had a flash of embarrassment but it did not linger. I was crying my heart out and Calen rushed forward and grabbed me, pulling me into his arms.
He just held me, cradled me really, as I let everything out. I mean everything. The loss of my dad, followed by the loss of my mom, the anguish I felt trying to keep my family together, the heartbreak of Will’s explosive statement, the fact that Calen was still here, holding me.
I whimpered. He pulled me even closer. Calen just kept me cocooned against him until my tears began to slow. As his large hand gently wiped away a lingering tear on my cheek, I wondered if I was ready for this life where I could feel again. Everything felt too strong. I hated myself because I wanted him. Could I trust him? Could I trust myself in thinking that it might be ok to become so vulnerable?
“So do you, or do you not have a girlfriend?” I asked. Apparently, I was a little bit back from the dead. As he looked down at me, I was suddenly scared of his answer. I tried to pull myself away but he wouldn’t let me. Stupid strong guy.
“Yes, I do have a girlfriend.” He forced me to make eye contact with him. I sensed that he’d caught on to my new tactic for dealing with painful things: Hiding.
“Well. I guess it’s good that we have cleared the air,” I said, trying to keep the pain out of my voice. Dammit, I might actually be breaking all over again. Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid heart. I lifted my chin and tried to make my face blank.
“Yes. I have a girlfriend! She is wonderful and beautiful and I’m not sure what I would do without her.” Jeez. Enough. “She has gorgeous blonde hair and sparkling golden eyes and an ass people would launch wars over…” I might actually murder him. Where were some weapons?? “And her name is Tara Ashton.”
Wait. What?
He looked at me longingly but I just shook my head. I could not go from zero to one hundred so quickly. I had been Broken! I’d never known such pain. But Calen was telling me I was his girlfriend. And that he didn’t know what he’d do without me.
Apparently I had amazing healing abilities.
I launched myself at him, and he grabbed me and held me. Then he slowly lowered me to the bed. I was suddenly shy all over again. I kept telling myself that this was Calen, but I was still a bit reserved. How many times can a girl have her heart served up on a platter?
I allowed myself to hug him tightly. Then I looked up at him and asked him to leave.
꧁23꧂
If I had to wake up to Will’s face ever again, I might kill someone.
“What are you doing in here?” It was the nicest way of telling him to get the fuck out of my room.
“I’m checking on you. You’re my sister.” He looked at me like Duh. Since when did he care? Just because he was responsible for this whole catastrophe…well that had never affected him before.
“Why are you checking on me? Get out.” He grabbed his heart.
“I’m wounded,” he said, providing puppy dog eyes. What a loser.
“Get. Out.” Maybe he’d gone deaf overnight.
“Tara.” Oh for Christ’s sake. “Tara, seriously.” Yeah, I got it. People were entering a spelling bee and apparently someone had let the cat out of the bag that the winning question was to say and spell TARA.
“I’ve actually been really worried about you.” Oh, have you now. “I never meant to hurt you, I just assumed Calen was screwing with you and would break your heart.”
“Well, thanks.” I wasn’t really sure about how to deal with this. Will had taken it upon himself to break Calen and me up, and he certainly hadn’t done it in a pain free way. I was still harboring a bit of resentment toward him.
“Really. I heard how you guys were together, apparently ‘hot and heavy’,” he pretended to gag, “and I kind of exploded. The last time I’d talked to Calen about chicks, he’d admitted that he had a girl back home.” I bristled a little. “I didn’t know they’d broken up. I thought he was messing with you. I had tried to warn you not to get involved with him because of how the girls were always swamping him, but mostly because I knew about his girlfriend. I didn’t want you to get hurt.” Will didn’t talk this m
uch. I guess he might actually feel guilty. Too bad, I’d actually gotten hurt because of him.
“And then there’s Zach…” Will looked away from me. What on earth did this have anything to do with Zach?
“What about Zach?” I asked.
“Nothing. Just know I’m sorry about the Calen thing. I guess, be happy.” With that, he left.
What the…maybe life was better before everyone went all agro on me. I’d been doing just fine. Depressed perhaps, but not dragging anyone else down with me. I went to school, I ran, I grocery shopped, and I took care of the house. It had seemed so terrible, but now I was drowning. I could barely handle my own emotions, let alone several others’.
I just sat there and stared off into space, trying to figure out the next step. This wasn’t exactly how I planned to spend my first day of Winter Break.
***
Calen called me later the next day, but I let it go to voicemail. I was still a little shaken and I needed some time to think. My reaction to what I’d perceived as Calen’s betrayal frightened me. I had somehow allowed myself to get too deeply involved with him. I had only known him for a few months, although I had to admit that it seemed much longer. But, I still wasn’t sure about whether a relationship as intense as ours was a good idea for me. I had set myself up for heartbreak and I was horrified by how bad it had been.
Could I risk having to go through that again? Was it easier to just let him go in order to protect myself? I felt physically ill at the thought of him moving on and being with someone else, but I also cared enough about him that I knew he deserved to be happy. I couldn’t believe I was contemplating ending what we had together, but it seemed like the better option when compared with feeling how I’d felt after what had happened with Will.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 17