Then, Will spoke.
“Mother.” His voice was cold. “How exactly do you know that it was inappropriate for her friend to stay here? I heard his ride had left without him.” My mom had the audacity to roll her eyes. Will was unfazed. “And even if Tara,” and I heard him emphasize my name, “had allowed him to stay, she is only a bit shy of 18 and she has certainly proved that she is responsible enough to act like an adult.” Mom’s face actually dropped.
“You didn’t see her, running around like a tramp.” My mom was pleading, as if my guiltiness would be her reward.
That stung.
Here this was probably one of the first conversations she’d had with two of her three children in half a year, and it wasn’t going so well. I suddenly realized that my mom wasn’t selfish. She wasn’t bitter and negligent. She had literally lost her mind after Dad had left. She no longer had a grasp on reality. I saw something flicker across Will’s face and wondered if he’d come to the same conclusion. I started to say something, but Will cut me off.
“Mom, Tara is the best thing you have ever created. Please do us a favor and stop whatever this crusade is. Let me take you back to your room. You look tired.” She looked at him adoringly. Her little knight. He pulled her from the kitchen, but just before they left the room, she looked over her shoulder and gave me the coldest look I’d ever seen. Then they left.
I thought I might throw up. I couldn’t even begin to rationalize what had just happened. As soon as I was sure that Will had taken her to her room, I snuck up to my own. The idea of seeing my mom again tonight was terrifying.
In my room I silently sobbed. What had I done? Why did my mother hate me so much? All I’d ever done was try my hardest to step in when she’d stepped out. Maybe I wasn’t perfect at the job, but dear god, I’d tried. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. My own mother couldn’t even say my name. I curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. I’d heard my phone buzz, but I couldn’t deal with Calen and his “intuition” right now. I deserved to revel in my own pity party.
There was a knock on my door. I didn’t want to answer. Then the knock rapped again. I hoarsely called out, “Yeah?” Will came into my room. I barely looked up. I just stayed in my little concave ball.
“Tara?” He sounded odd. I wasn’t sure if I had a voice to answer him. “Tar?” He asked again. Finally I forced myself to look at him. He almost seemed to stumble back. What had he seen on my face?
“Tar,” he sounded choked this time, “you can’t listen to her. I hadn’t realized she’d gotten like this.” I still just lay there. “Beth spends all that time with her, why hasn’t she said anything?” I knew he wasn’t expecting an answer. He sounded confused and a little scared. “Of all of us to turn on, though, I would have thought you’d be the last. You’ve done everything to make up for the fact that she’s checked out…” He trailed off as if he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He probably couldn’t wrap his mind around it. I surely couldn’t.
I was fighting to hold myself together and failing miserably. “What else would she have said to me if you hadn’t come in, Will? I couldn’t take much more.” I looked at him with such sorrow on my face, he actually recoiled. Recovering enough to bend down and pull me up so that I was standing, Will led me to the bed. Somehow he got me to at least climb up. I lay down, not even being able to sit.
“I don’t know Tara. I am so glad I got there when I did. Has she done this before?” He looked scared, like he feared I’d been suffering from verbal abuse all along and he hadn’t known.
“Only one other time. I came home late and she was there, as if she’d been waiting up for me. Then she yelled at me. But I totally blew her off, since it was so out of character and unfair.” He looked down. Damn, he was taking responsibility for this, or at least taking on the guilt. “Will, you couldn’t have known. At least this is the worst it’s been.”
“Tara, I can’t live like this. You shouldn’t live like this. What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know Will, I don’t know.” I lay back down on my bed and eventually Will left, presumably to retreat into his room. We’d become prisoners in our own home.
꧁28꧂
After spending another evening at Calen’s, which entailed skirting his grandfather, kissing, talking, and laughing continuously, I eventually had to go home. I hated to leave Calen, but that was life. School was starting again tomorrow, which meant we’d have less time to see each other. We’d gotten so used to spending our time together, I hated to think about the next few months. Sure, we had plenty of time ahead of us. But Calen was a Senior, he’d be graduating in June. What would happen then? I refused to think about it. The idea of losing Will and Calen in less than six months was more than I could stomach.
I realized that we’d never talked about what he’d do after high school, what his plans were. Was I being selfish by never asking? It was just so hard to squander any precious time we had together by asking about something that truthfully scared me. Will knew he’d be relegated to community college, due to his grades. He was not one of those noble students who could go anywhere they wanted but just couldn’t afford it. But Calen, he got good grades, he was the star of the basketball team, and his grandfather could afford to send him anywhere.
I suddenly felt cold. Calen needed to go to college somewhere top tier, and I’d be damned if I would stand in his way.
***
“So, um…what are you planning to do about college?” My voice hitched and I knew that my attempt at nonchalance was a huge Fail. Calen looked at me. His eyes narrowed, then he looked away. Shit.
“Tara, college applications have been long since due.” He seemed to be choosing his words carefully.
“Oh, I wouldn’t know, Will being a loser and all….” I tried to sound light, but the rock in my stomach was making that hard. Also, I knew college apps had already been in, I was just feigning ignorance, hoping he wouldn’t catch on to my sudden desperation. He quirked a brow at me. How could I be so stupid? He was reading me like a book. I cut him a death glare.
Suddenly Calen laughed. This seemed to make me more annoyed, which always only made him laugh harder. I pressed my lips together, struggling between annoyance and amusement. I was in an emotional tug of war. Annoyance won out, as I realized he still hadn’t answered my initial question. I frowned.
Calen sighed. “Tara, I’ve applied to college, several of them. I’ve actually been admitted to a couple, but some haven’t notified us.” Yeah, ‘us’, as in not me. I suddenly felt glaringly young and immature. He pushed on, “I haven’t made any decisions yet. Believe me, you will be the first to know what my plans are. And don’t be so worried, wherever I go won’t be far. Not if it means being far away from you.” Oh.
Then I got ahold of my selfish emotions. “No, Calen. I will not allow for you to be held back or defer your opportunities because of me. You will go to the best place that you are admitted.” It broke my heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
“That’s very noble of you, Tara. But, don’t you think I should have a say in this?” He was using that measured tone, the one that I’d grown to know was the voice he used when he was starting to get upset but didn’t want other people to know. The one he used when he was fighting to get control of his emotions. Uh Oh.
I couldn’t look at him. How can you win a battle between selfishness and selflessness? It was just too hard. I wanted nothing more than to have him with me, have him at my side. The reassuring confidence he lent me was something I’d never experienced and suddenly feared I couldn’t live without. But I loved him too much to stand in his way. He needed to go where he could, do what he could. He’d already been held back enough by his ‘condition’, who was I to stand in his way?
I made a decision.
“Calen, I think you should go home.” He just stared at me. “I’ve thought about this clearly and come to the conclusion that we won’t work out.” I thought I might throw up.
<
br /> “Babe, what are you talking about?” He sounded incredulous.
“I’m not your ‘Babe’. Not anymore. It is time for you to go. Goodbye.” I turned my back to him, forcing down the sob that was rising in my chest as I willed my shoulders not to shake. I prayed he wasn’t hearing my thoughts, reading my emotions. He didn’t say anything.
That’s when I knew I had to pull out the big guns. I hated myself even as I contemplated it, but I knew it was necessary. Calen was not one to back down when he believed in something. And wonderfully, tragically, he believed in Us.
“Besides. I just don’t think I can be with someone who has your…ability.” I heard him inhale sharply, but I couldn’t stop now. “Your ability to read. It’s just too hard for me to deal with. I already have enough on my plate.” I knew I’d really gone low…like crawling on hands and knees on the floor of the men’s restroom in the darkest biker bar, low. And then eating cheetos with said hands. Disgusted with myself, I still refused to look at Calen. I couldn’t bear to see the pain that my words would so obviously be causing him. He’d trusted me, and I’d just crumpled up all of that trust and thrown it into his face. Ugh, this was killing me.
Finally I heard my bedroom door close. He was gone when I turned around. I wondered what hurt more, what I’d had to do, or the fact that he hadn’t even attempted to fight for me. I quickly dismissed the latter, realizing how selfish and petty it made me. Then I curled up on my bed and cried myself to sleep.
***
“But you guys were perfect together! You told me yourself that you were in love!” Sarah was pissed. She couldn’t wrap her brain around what I’d just admitted.
“Yeah. That was then. This is now.” I tried to sound nonchalant, but I feared I was not very successful. “Anyway, what’s new with you?” I knew she wouldn’t fall for it, but I was trying desperately to change the subject.
“Tara. No. We are not moving on. What happened?” Sarah asked, looking crestfallen. Then she suddenly looked indignant and angry. “Did he do something? What did he do to you?” Her voice was rising.
“He didn’t do anything. Do you really think someone as wonderful as Calen would do something to me?” I quickly realized my mistake.
“So what exactly are you trying to prove here, Tara? You deserve wonderful. You deserve love and,” she blushed, “Hotness.”
“It’s not about that. We’re just not going to work out. He and I are not meant to be. I’m fine with it.” She looked at me but didn’t say anything. Finally she just nodded.
“Hey Bitches!” Sam had appeared beside us, all fiery cuteness. Sarah and I just stood there and neither of us said anything. “What?” Sam demanded.
“Nothing.” I took off. I couldn’t deal with this right now. My heart was dying and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.
“What’s her problem?” I heard Sam ask as I walked away. I didn’t wait around to hear Sarah’s response.
***
He ambushed me, right outside of English and by my locker.
“Tara.” It was all he said at first. I was glad, because had he said more, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to stay strong. Instead of answering, I just looked away. Maybe if I didn’t say anything, he’d leave me alone. I knew my throat had closed, so not saying anything was easy. Then he spoke again.
“Tara. Please. Stop this. We’ve been through this. I won’t allow you to end things. I love you too much…I need you.” His voice had a pleading tone to it and it was breaking my heart but I still wouldn’t look at him. I couldn’t. “How can you throw away what we have? I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. Please.”
I just shook my head. Then I turned and walked away. I couldn’t decide what was worse, as I headed down the hall away from Calen, my own heart breaking or my breaking his? I could tell by the desperation in his tone that I wasn’t the only one hurting. But then I realized that I deserved to hurt. I was a horrible person whose own mother didn’t even care for her. I was doing Calen a favor. I was releasing him from whatever obligation he felt for me, I was letting him free. That was the old adage, wasn’t it? If you love something, set it free? Well, I loved him and freedom would be his.
I held my head up as I walked toward my next class. Hopefully, people would just think I was suffering from allergies, based on how my eyes were so watery and it appeared like I was doing my best impression of Rudolph the Reindeer.
***
As much as I hadn’t believed it could be possible, life marched on. Whenever I heard the boys downstairs, I stayed in my room, terrified of the idea of running into Calen. No one could understand what had happened between us. There was a while during which my girlfriends bombarded me with questions and Sarah actually begged me to reconsider; I hadn’t realized she’d been so invested in my relationship. But, I knew I had made the right decision. It was just so hard to convince my heart.
Calen had repeatedly tried to talk to me, to convince me to change my mind. I would not, and I avoided him at all costs. Luckily, since I knew my brother’s routine and schedule, I knew exactly how to always manage to miss Calen around school. It was like I was a ghost, essentially disappearing from his life. Granted, it took a lot of effort on my part. I threw myself back into running and school, praying that absence did not make the heart grow fonder.
Will behaved oddly about the whole thing. It was like he couldn’t decide if he should rally behind Calen, or support me and show his loyalty to his sister. I suspected that he felt sorry for Calen, but I hoped I’d fooled Will into believing that I did not want to be with Calen any longer. A month and a half after breaking things off, Will came to my room.
“Hey Tar.” He just sauntered in, knocking first, but not exactly waiting for an invitation inside when I had opened the door.
“Hey.” I wasn’t exactly a woman of many words these days. I sort of felt a little dead inside.
“Tar. What’s your problem?” Will demanded. Excuse me? Suddenly, I felt a slow burn in my chest.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried to sound aloof, unfeeling.
“Bullshit. What. Is. Your. Problem?” He spoke deliberately.
“I. Don’t. Know. What. You’re. Talking. About.” Hey, we were siblings. We could go toe to toe.
“Tara!” His voice flared. He closed his eyes briefly, as if to get a handle on his emotions. “Stop this nonsense and get back together with Calen. I’m worried about both of you. He isn’t the guy he used to be.”
“Really. I wasn’t exactly convinced that you were behind us being together at all.” I countered.
“Dammit Tara. Why are you always such the contrarian? Is it impossible for you to believe that you deserve to be happy?” This was that Weird Will, the one who surprised me by being caring and intuitive. Damn him.
“I am happy.” It was all I could say.
“Bullshit,” he said again, rushing on with, “What exactly is your problem? Dad left us. Yeah, I remember. Mom left us, or at least her mind has. Dually noted. So what’s your problem? You can be happy. It’s ok. Whose permission do you need to know that it’s ok to be happy?” He was getting exasperated.
“Clearly not yours.” I felt like a bitch but I had to sell the act. If he really knew how much this was all killing me, he might hug me or something, and I’d cave and call Calen.
“TARA!” He bellowed. Shit. He could be pretty scary when he wanted to be. “My best friend is miserable. My sister is miserable. What do you want me to do?” His tone had become soft, almost pleading. I didn’t think I had it in me to hurt so many people. But I knew this was best for Calen, and I would not be convinced otherwise.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you expect from me. Calen and I are through and you have no part in any of it. Please leave.” I looked away. Eventually I heard my door close softly. Will had left.
꧁29꧂
By late April, it had seemed like Calen and I had been a dream. I no longer fell asleep with
his voice in my head, the memory of his lips on mine. I hadn’t allowed myself to dwell on him, I had forced myself to take school seriously, hang out with the girls, and re-invest myself in taking care of my family. I spent much more time with Blake, tried to rejuvenate my relationship with Beth, and all in all force thoughts of Calen out of my head. This was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done.
But, the semester was wrapping up, only a few more weeks of school, and I had managed to avoid him altogether. Occasionally I’d hear his deep voice coming from the living room, but I’d turn around and retreat to my room. It wasn’t fair for him to see me in order to satisfy my need to see him, but it also broke my heart. Every so often I’d catch a glimpse of him, in the halls, in the cafeteria, or pulling into the parking lot in his Audi, and I felt like I was dying anew. I did my best to slip into the girl’s bathroom or empty classrooms when I saw him, but I was certain he saw me as well. I could always tell. He’d search out my eyes and I would force myself to look away.
My memories of our time together were all that kept me alive. Of him pulling me onto his lap in his TV room, of laughing with him while we watched a movie, of dancing with him on New Year’s Eve. Sleeping next to him, the only time I had the privilege to do so. I would cherish those moments until the day I died. I’d had a brief glimpse of fulfillment, but I knew I had to let him go.
Out of the blue, Will told me that Zach was probably going to go to the junior college with him. I wanted to ask about Calen, but couldn’t bring myself to. As if reading me like a book, Will volunteered the information.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 22