All these memories were making my chest hurt. I closed my eyes tight, hoping to fall back asleep so I could dream of Tristan. Seeing him in my dreams was better than nothing at all. It helped the days go by a little easier knowing that when I closed my eyes I might see him. Unfortunately, right when I was about to fall back asleep there was a knock on my door.
“Ella?” It was Jasa.
I sat up, cursing to myself. “Come in,” I said, trying to be polite.
Jasa was my brother, Xander's, girlfriend. We met briefly before I left for school. After everything that had happened, my dad asked Xander to move back in temporarily. He said having him nearby would be easier for the business, but a part of me knew it was because of me. The doctors told them having family around would be the best thing for me, but clearly they didn't know my family very well. It wasn't long after Xander moved back that Jasa started hanging around more. More than I cared for, but Xander seemed to really like her so I thought I'd be nice.
“I'm not disturbing you am I?” she asked, popping her head in the door.
Yes.
“No, what's up?”
“Well, as you know, Christmas is only about two weeks away.”
“Really, I hadn't noticed,” I admitted. Lately all the days just seemed to blend together.
Jasa sat down on the bed next to me. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail. She had on dark blue jeans and a light colored sweater that complemented her pale complexion. “I was wondering if you would like to go shopping with me?” she asked.
“Sorry, I’m not in the mood.”
“I understand,” she said, fidgeting with her sweater. I knew there was more. So I sat patiently and waited. “It's just I'm having a hard time finding a present for Xander and I thought maybe you could help me.” The last thing I wanted to do was go shopping, but she had a way of making me feel bad for saying no. She was nothing but nice to me since I returned. “I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to.” She stood up thinking my silence meant no. “I'll just leave you alone then,” she said, walking away.
“No...wait,” I sighed, giving in. “I'll go.”
“You sure? You don't have to if you don't want to.”
“No, it's fine. I should probably get my shopping done. Just give me a few minutes to get ready.”
“Take all the time you need. I'll be downstairs when you're ready,” she said smiling at me and closing the door behind her.
I originally planned on having Danni do my shopping for me so I wouldn't have to, but it was probably better that I did it myself. I forced myself out of bed and into the shower.
*
Jamila
Downstairs in the kitchen, Jasa informed Jamila that Ella had agreed to go shopping with her. “Oh Jasa, thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate you getting her out of the house,” Jamila said.
“It's no problem. I've been meaning to find an excuse to spend more time with her. I think this could be the perfect opportunity to get to know her better.”
“I should probably warn you, I don't think she'll be in the mood to talk much,” Danni chimed in.
“Give her some time. She'll open up,” Jamila hoped. “She has been through a lot. I just don't know what to do to help her.” She shook her head, worried for her daughter.
“Jamila, Ella's a strong girl. You know she'll get through this. She just needs time to heal,” Danni said, placing a kind hand on Jamila’s shoulder.
“Thank you Danni. I'm so glad you're here. Ella really responds to you best. I don't know what I'd do without you,” she said, hugging Danni tightly.
“I'll always be here,” Danni told her as she shot a look to Jasa. Jamila knew there was tension between the two girls, but right now wasn't the time to deal with that issue. Not when her daughter was in so much pain. Ella was her first priority.
“You're more than welcome to join us,” Jasa said, inviting Danni along.
“Thank you, but I have too much work to do,” Danni politely declined, getting back to work.
*
Ella
I stepped out of the shower, wiping the fog from the mirror. I stared at my reflection. After receiving my powers my appearance has altered slightly. My skin was clearer than it has ever been and looked as smooth as silk. My teeth were whiter and my hair was silky, shiny, and a little longer, almost half way down my back. Even my eyes deepened in color. While I always categorized my eyes as green, they had a habit of changing. One day they looked green, some days yellow, and others a mixture of both, making them look hazel. If you looked close enough you could even see a few brown dots around the irises. My mom used to tell me my eyes reminded her of a child with a playful nature because they were always changing – whatever that meant.
Another startling new feature was the electric blue streak that showed up in my hair after I had received my powers. It was about two inches wide and sat on the right side just behind my ear. It flowed from the roots all the way down to the ends. I tried everything I could to get rid of it, aside from cutting it. I dyed it, bleached it, but nothing worked. I was stuck with it. And now from all the dye my hair was black like a raven. I didn't mind the black hair, but it did cause the blue streak to stand out more. I got used to the blue after a while. For the most part I could hide it if I wanted to, but I never went anywhere so it didn't matter.
I quickly dried my hair and pulled it into a low ponytail on the side. I slipped into a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I threw on a hat, zipped up my boots, and grabbed my purse on my way downstairs to meet Jasa.
I found her in the kitchen talking to my mom. “I'm ready,” I told her.
“You girls have fun,” my mom said. She gave me a hug and a kiss before we left – one of many since I've been home.
“You need us to pick up anything while we're out?” Jasa asked.
“No thank you,” she said, smiling sweetly. We made our way outside to the car where there were guardians waiting for us, making me regret going.
When we reached the mall, I was overwhelmed with the all the people out shopping. I should have expected this. It was two weeks before Christmas as Jasa had pointed out. I felt uncomfortable with the way people stared at us as we walked through the stores. No doubt from being flanked by guardians. I overheard a few people whispering, wondering if we were celebrities, or someone important enough to be so heavily guarded. I tried my best to ignore them all.
I was not in the mood to shop and I was having a hard time acting like it. Jasa didn't push me to talk and I appreciated her for that. She would ask my opinion every now and then, but all I gave her was a nod or a one word response. After a while she stopped asking. About an hour into our shopping, Jasa asked if I wanted to grab something to eat. I agreed and followed her to the food court. I ordered a fruit salad not feeling very hungry. I barely ate much lately so I just more or less picked at my food.
“I'm sorry about your friend Josie,” Jasa said after a few minutes of silence. Of all the topics she could have picked, she chose this one. Honestly, anything would have been better, even talking about something as lame as the weather. “I can't imagine what you're going through.”
“No, you can't,” I said curtly, annoyed that she would bring it up.
“I didn't mean...I just I…” she said, stumbling over her words.
“Look, I know you're just trying to help, but I'd rather not talk about it.” Jasa nodded and went back to eating her salad. The awkward silence that followed made me feel guilty for snapping. I knew she was just trying to be polite. I had no doubt she was nervous just being around me without the added drama, but this was not something I wanted to talk about, especially not with a stranger. Regardless of my feelings I still felt inclined to apologize. “I'm sorry,” I said. Jasa peered up from her salad. “Everyone tries to get me to talk about it. They think that if I discuss what happened I'm going to magically be okay. But it won't change the fact that my friends are dead because of me.�
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“You think it's your fault?” she asked, slightly surprised.
“Of course it is. Jack killed them to get to me,” I said before I mentally slapped myself in the head. No wonder Jasa looked so confused. She didn't know the real reason Jack was after me. Like everyone else she believed Jack was just some jealous kid who snapped and went on a killing spree taking out anyone who hurt him mentally or physically. Well that was the story my dad and his people spun to keep our existence a secret. I needed to be more careful when I spoke around humans. Another thing I would have to learn to get used to.
Before I could correct myself Jasa spoke up. “I don't think your friends would want you to believe that. I think they'd want you to know that they loved you and wouldn't want you to blame yourself for something you couldn't control. Most people would want you to celebrate their lives instead of mourning their deaths.”
She had a point. I could just hear Josie now. “Seriously Ella, get a grip. This boo-hoo look is not attractive and frowning that much is going to give you wrinkles.” I smiled slightly at the thought of Josie lecturing me. “Maybe you should start a journal?” Jasa suggested, distracting me from my thoughts. “Since you don't want to talk to anyone, maybe writing your feelings down will help clear your head.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
We finished our lunch and then continued shopping. I told Jasa to get Xander anything from the Apple store and she would be good. She got him the latest IPad and I let her know it was a good choice. I even managed to get all my Christmas presents checked off my list including a few items for myself. One of those items was a journal. I took Jasa's suggestion and thought it might help me if I wrote down my feelings. As lame as I thought it was, I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. What did I have to lose?
When we got home, I carried all my stuff upstairs to my room where I found my mom, snooping. “Mom, what are you doing?” I asked suspiciously.
She turned around, startled. “Oh, honey, I didn't hear you come in. I was just putting away your laundry,” she said, closing the top drawer of my dresser.
“Where's Danni?” She was the one who usually dropped off my laundry. I preferred that because I knew she wouldn't snoop, unlike my mom. I didn't keep clothes in the top drawer of my dresser and I’m pretty sure my mom knew that.
“I sent her on some errands,” she replied, avoiding the fact that I just busted her.
Since I had nothing to hide, I ignored her, and sat on my bed. I learned it was my parents who hid things, not me. I unsnapped my watch and placed it on the nightstand noticing my pictures were back. I sighed and lay back on the bed knowing that was my mom's doing. After placing my sweaters in the wrong draw, she came over, and sat next to me on the bed. “How was shopping?” she asked.
“It was fine.”
“Wanna show me what you got?” She leaned back on her elbow while I sat up and grabbed my bags, dumping the stuff on my bed. Most of my bags consisted of hooded sweatshirts, jeans, and plain tops. My mom sifted through my purchases. She tried to hide her disappointment when she saw all the plain, basic items I bought, but I knew there was worry behind her smile. She was used to me wearing bright, sparkly tops, but lately I wasn't into anything bright and sparkly. “What else did you buy?” she asked, reaching for the other bags.
I quickly pulled them away from her. “That, you can't see,” I said, tucking the bags under the bed that contained her presents. She smiled and leaned back on the bed. “I got some make-up, perfume, and lotions too.” I dumped out the cosmetics and spread everything out.
“Anything I'll like?” she asked, searching through the pile.
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
She frowned at all the dark and neutral colored shadows I bought. She was used to seeing me in pinks and purples. Again something I was not in the mood for. “Danni's going to bring Hadley over later and we're going to bake some cookies. You wanna help us?” she asked, changing the subject.
“Maybe,” I said, lying back on the bed.
“You know, helping me bake cookies for Christmas used to be your favorite thing.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“Ella honey?” she said warily. “I know this year has been rough for you.”
“That's an understatement.”
“I just want you to know we're here for you. Whatever you need.”
“I know mom.”
“I wish I could tell you things will get better over time, but that's up to you. The only person who's going to help you heal is yourself. I will be here for you every step of the way, but you have to find it within yourself.”
I stared at the ceiling fighting back the tears. My mom pulled me to her and hugged me tightly. I laid my head on her shoulder and let the tears fall. She just squeezed me tighter. “Oh mom, I miss them so much,” I wept.
“I know you do,” she said, gently stroking my hair.
“Will it ever stop hurting?”
I felt an intake of breath on her chest. “Eventually,” she exhaled. “It's okay to miss them and its okay to cry, but I don't think they would want you to be sad. They'd want you to cherish the time you've spent together and move on, because Ella, you have to remember you're still here. Even though they're gone, you have to try to go on living.”
“But I can't live without them.”
“Maybe it feels that way now, but soon you’ll see that you can.” I wiped the tears from my face and sat up. “Will you do me a favor?” I nodded and she stood up from the bed, hand held out for me. “Come take a little trip with me.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Just trust your mother,” she smiled.
I took her hand, allowing her to pull me off the bed and out of the room. When we got downstairs she paused. “Wait here a minute.” She walked out to the kitchen, spoke a few words to the guardians, then grabbed her purse and keys, heading for the door. She spoke a few more words to the guardians outside and they stepped aside letting us pass.
“No guardians?” I asked her as we hopped in the car.
“Not today,” she said, squeezing my hand before putting the car in drive. Once we got off the main road it didn't take me long to figure out where we were going. My mom pulled into the gates of the cemetery and drove up the hill. She put the car in park and turned to face me. “Want me to go with you?” she asked.
“No,” I said, letting out a breath. I placed my hand on the handle of the door, pausing to take another breath. I lifted the lever, stepped out of the car, and walked over to Josie's grave. I knelt down and sat Indian style in front of her tombstone. At first I just stared at the giant, granite rock that represented what was left of my friend. I picked at the blades of grass, wondering what I should say. I wanted to tell her I missed her, I'm sorry this happened to her, and if I could I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. I wanted to tell her no one will ever replace her and I'll never find a friend as great as her.
I placed my hand on the ground and spread my fingers wide. I closed my eyes and cleared my head so I could say goodbye to my friend. As I sat there, I started to feel a warm tingling in my hand. The warmth made its way up my arm and through my whole body, spreading like wildfire. It was like the sun was warming me from the inside out. It was soothing, like a gentle caress of a summer breeze. The heat tickled my skin and made me smile. It was like Josie was here with me, wrapping her arms around me in a comforting hug. A tear escaped my eye and slid down my cheek, splashing on my hand. I looked down at the tear and watched it shimmer in the light like a sparkly diamond. It dissolved making my lips twitch into a slight smile.
“I love you too Josie,” I whispered. I closed my eyes, releasing some of my pain and anger. Coming here today and having to face this, accept the truth. It helped give me what I needed to move on. I'm not saying I'm miraculously healed, but part of me is getting there. When I was ready, I stood up, and walked back to the car. Once inside, my mom turned to me with a questioning look. “Thank you,” I said, giving her
a kiss on the cheek. Before I could pull away she hugged me, placing a hand ever so lightly on my cheek. She smiled, a smile so sweet and loving it could brighten anyone's day.
Once we got back my dad instantly castigated my mom for leaving the house without any guardians. I was going to step in and say something, but I knew my mom could handle herself. Instead I went up to my room and fell down on my bed. I spotted the pictures on my nightstand and instantly started to feel that warming sensation again. The one I felt not so long ago at Josie's grave. I sat up and decided it was time I got outside. It wasn’t the most glamorous outing, but anything was better than lying around and sulking, staring at the same plain, white ceiling for the next who knows how many hours.
It had gotten considerably warmer since this morning and I thought I’d take advantage while I could. I got up and grabbed my bathing suit out of my dresser and got changed. I grabbed my new journal on the way out, only to stop when I passed my mirror. I decided to throw on a pair of shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit. I knew eventually they'd find out what I did, but not sure I was quite ready to bare it all, just yet.
*
Liam
Liam paced back and forth in his home office. His face was red and stressed and his eyes were filled with anger. “Jamila, honestly, do you not care about this family's safety?”
“How could you ask me that? Of course I do,” she replied, aggravated that he would even ask that.
“Then why did you and Ella leave the house without any guardians?” he spat back.
“Because I care more about our daughter's sanity. She needs to be able to breathe and that's hard to do surrounded by guardians twenty-four seven.”
The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven Page 42