by J. D. Rivera
“Not that I can think of. I think you know every horrible thing I’ve done now.”
“Why did you not pawn it if you went to the trouble of taking it?” I asked while readjusting the belt on my robe.
“Because I still loved you. I was mean and cheated to push you away, not because I didn’t love you.”
“Okay. Well, thanks for giving it back,” I whispered as a pain passed through my lower abdomen.
Shane reached for me. “Are you okay?”
“Just... um... a really bad pain. Excuse me for a second, okay?” I said as I got up and walked to the bathroom.
I shut the door as another horrible cramp shot through me. I sat down on the toilet just as another hit me. It felt just like the cramps I’d had during my miscarriage. I quickly took some toilet paper and checked. When I looked at the paper, it had a bright red streak on it. My heart sank. I wanted to cry. Life was repeating itself, just like I had worried it would. A loud sob escaped my throat at the thought.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Vanessa? Are you okay?”
I tried to get myself under control. “I’m fine,” I said as another sob escaped.
The door cracked open and Shane stood in the door. I was still sitting on the toilet but I couldn’t seem to care as sob after sob took over my body and he kneeled down and hugged me.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.
“It’s happening again.” was all I could say.
“Happening… Vanessa, are you pregnant?”
“Yeah or I guess not now.”
He pulled back, looking into my eyes. “Let me take you to the hospital. Maybe it’s something else or maybe they can do something if we get there quick enough.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I whispered as I tried to breathe and control my crying.
“Yes, I do.” He said as he wiped the tears off my cheeks. “I’ll wait in the living room while you get dressed, unless you need some help.”
“Thank you,” I told him as I stood up.
He stepped into the living room as I found some sweats and a T-shirt. As soon as I grabbed my shoes, I wandered into the living room. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Again.
“You don’t have to take me. I’m sure Amanda will be here any minute,” I told him as soon as we made eye contact.
“I don’t care if she’s here or not, I’m taking you.”
“Okay.” I grabbed my purse then walked to the door.
I had just sat down in Shane’s car as Amanda pulled into the parking lot. “I’ll be right back,” he said to me. I watched him walk over to Amanda. She looked like she wanted to yell at him but then she looked at the car. She immediately jogged over and opened the back door, climbing inside.
“It’s going to be okay,” she said, while trying to hug me.
I couldn’t say anything because I started crying again. Shane got inside and pulled away quickly. I could tell he was worried about me and was reliving the night we’d lost our baby. He didn’t look at me on the entire drive to the hospital; instead, he looked everywhere but at me.
I stepped into the ER with Shane on one side of me and Amanda on the other. I told the lady at the counter what was happening and she pointed to a waiting area.
“Do you need me to get you anything?” Shane asked as I sat down.
“I’m okay. Just… thank you.”
He crouched down in front of me. “No need to thank me. I just wish I could tell you it would be okay.” He glanced up to the TV hanging from the ceiling. “Do you need to call him?”
I looked at the TV, which was playing a Thunder pre-game show. “No. He won’t be near his phone. He doesn’t know anyway.”
“He doesn’t know? You haven’t told him?” Shane asked.
“You don’t get to pry into her life,” Amanda said from beside me.
“It’s okay, Amanda. He’s here to help.” I turned to Shane. “I just kinda had a feeling this would happen.”
“Hey, we don’t know anything yet.” He offered as he sat down in the seat next to me.
After several hours of waiting, I was finally called back to a room. Even though I was grateful for Amanda and Shane’s comfort, I elected to go back by myself. I needed to go through the exams alone.
It felt like another several hours later when the doctor confirmed I was having a miscarriage. I felt like my world was falling apart. I was going to lose Jackson. He would eventually see that he was better off with his child and the mother of his child. I wouldn’t be able to hold onto him. Especially when he learned that I couldn’t carry a child. I began to sob but I was able to ask a nurse to please get Amanda from the waiting room for me.
“Hey,” she said as she came into the room, immediately putting her arms around me.
“I lost the baby,” I managed to say.
“It’s okay. I promise it’ll be okay.”
After being released, Shane drove us to my apartment. Amanda wanted to stay but I asked her to leave. I needed time to wallow in my tears by myself.
“So, I’m going to stay,” Shane stated.
“Thanks, but go home. I’m not your problem anymore,” I told him as I unlocked my front door.
“Well, I need to talk to your boyfriend. He called earlier and got the wrong idea and you don’t need to deal with him being jealous. Plus, I want to be here for you this time. I wasn’t there for you last time. The least I can do is stay with you until he gets here and then explain things to him.”
I didn’t have the energy to think about Jackson’s jealousy toward Shane. “Okay but I’m just going to go to bed.”
He flopped down on the couch. “And I’ll just wait right here for him.”
“Thank you.” I told him before going to take a shower.
Jackson
I walked back into the locker room feeling really good. I had played amazingly well, scoring over thirty points. I grabbed my stuff before pulling out my phone. I needed to call Vanessa and let her know that I would be at her place in an hour.
On the fourth ring, a male voice answered. “Umm, hello?”
I took the phone away from my ear to make sure I had dialed the correct number. When I realized I was connected with Vanessa’s phone, I put the phone back to my ear and spoke. “Can I speak to Vanessa?”
“She’s busy right now.”
“She’s busy right now? Who is this?” I asked while praying it was Landon, messing with me.
“This is Shane. Look, I don’t think I’m the one to explain, but I’ll have her call you.”
I wanted to reach through the phone and wrap my fingers around his throat while I beat the shit out of him. “Put her on the damn phone. Now.”
I could hear him sigh. “I can’t. I’ll let her know that you called, okay?”
I didn’t respond before I ended the call and clutched the phone hard in my hand, thinking about what had just happened. She had promised me that she wouldn’t have anything else to do with him. Why was she with him? Did she want him back? What the fuck did ‘busy’ mean? I shoved my phone into my pocket and sprinted to my car. Only one way to find out what was going on. Go find her.
“Hey, man, Coach is looking for you,” a teammate yelled at me while I ran passed him.
Shit. I stopped and turned around. “Where’s he at?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t leave.
“In his office.”
I ran as fast as I could to the coach’s office to see what he wanted, knowing every second I wasn’t with Vanessa, Shane probably was.
I entered the office, where he sat at his desk, looking at some papers. “Coach, you wanted to see me?”
“Yeah, take a seat.” He gestured to the chair in front of him.
I sat down as he began talking to me about my performances. He asked about my personal situation because he had heard some rumors and wanted to hear it from me. It wasn’t a bad conversation but I couldn’t stop thinking about Vanessa and Shane being together. With each second, I was
getting more and more agitated.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he told me to have a good night and I practically ran out of his office.
I drove to Vanessa’s apartment, breaking every traffic law possible. I needed to know why she was with that asshole. He had cheated on her and broke her heart, repeatedly. I didn’t understand how she could be with him. She was usually so guarded and defensive; I never imagined she would forgive him.
As I turned off my car, my phone rang. Cynthia. I thought about ignoring it but she could’ve been calling about the baby. “Yeah?” I answered.
“Such a nice greeting.”
I sighed. “Sorry. I’m just a little busy. What’s up?”
“I’m sorry. I can call back later.”
“Are you sure? Is anything wrong?” I asked, praying nothing was.
“Nothing’s wrong. I was just going to work out some dates with you regarding appointments. Just call me when you’re free.”
“Okay, thanks. Bye.” I disconnected the call and took a deep breath. I needed to prepare myself for what I could possibly walk in on. Would I find them on the couch snuggled up together? What if I found them in the bedroom, kissing and having sex? I shook my head. Vanessa wouldn’t cheat on me. Deep down, I knew that.
I ran up the steps to her apartment and unlocked the door. I turned and there the asshole sat on her couch. “What in the hell are you doing here?” I yelled.
“I was just waiting on you.”
“Get the fuck out before I beat the shit out of you,” I roared.
“Calm down, Jackson!” I looked over to see Vanessa walking toward me.
“What the fuck is this asshole doing here? You told me you wouldn’t have anything to do with him again.”
“He’s here because he was helping me,” she said.
“Don’t you think he’s helped you enough over the years? I’m here to help you now.”
The asshole cleared his throat. “Look, I just stayed because I didn’t want her to be alone. She’ll explain everything.” He looked at Vanessa. “Do you want me to stay or go?”
“You can go. Thank you for everything tonight.”
“Okay,” he said, walking toward the door. He paused, looking at me. “Take care of her.”
“Oh, I will. Now, get the hell out.” I told him before returning my attention back to Vanessa. As soon as the door was shut, I lost my temper. “What part of me asking you not to see him again did you not get?” I asked.
Her eyes widened. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. I’m not a child. I’ll see and talk to whomever I want.”
“Why in the hell was he answering your phone tonight? I called wanting to talk to my girlfriend and her fucking ex-husband answers the phone and tells me she’s busy. What the hell? Care to explain?”
“You want to know? You really want to know?” she asked with an icy tone.
“Yeah, that’s why I asked,” I yelled, becoming more of a jerk with each passing second.
“While you were playing your precious game, I was at the hospital losing our baby,” she said as she began crying.
I took a sharp breath of air. What had she just said? Losing our baby? “Are you pregnant?” I asked.
“Not anymore. I lost the baby. Tonight.”
I felt like I had been punched in the gut. “How far along? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was around nine weeks. I didn’t tell you because I found out the same time you found out about your other child. How could I possibly tell you ‘Hey, I’m pregnant’ when you just told me you were having a child with another woman five minutes earlier?” She sat on the couch, wiping away her tears.
My heart was breaking for her. For us. But I still felt so much anger over Shane being with her and she wasn’t explaining that part to me. “When were you planning on telling me?” I asked. “And you still haven’t told me why Shane was with you. Why I found him on your couch.”
“I was planning on telling you this week, after I had seen a doctor,” she said as she started crying again. “I was terrified this would happen. I guess I was right.”
I wanted to comfort her but I was angry. She wasn’t answering my question about Shane. She was leaving me in the dark about too much. “Answer my question about Shane.”
She looked up at me. “Really? I just told you that I lost our baby and all you care about is why Shane was here? I guess it doesn’t really matter to you. You still get to have a baby.”
“What the fuck, Vanessa? I’d much rather have a baby with you than anybody else but I can’t change the fact that Cynthia’s pregnant. I’m devastated that we lost a child but I also just found out about the baby two minutes ago. Give me some credit and give me some time to think.”
“Whatever. Can you please just leave? I need to be by myself right now. I don’t need fighting with you on top of everything else that happened tonight.”
I stepped over to her, kneeling in front of her. “I’m sorry I’m being an asshole, okay? I’m really sorry that you had to go through this alone. I should have been there. Had I known you were pregnant, I would have taken care of you.”
She looked into my eyes. “Can you please go? Like I said, I need to be alone. I have a lot to think about.”
I placed a hand on her cheek. “No. I’m not going anywhere. We’re both mad but you just went through something traumatic and I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Please leave.”
“No. I’ll take a shower and I’ll sleep on the couch. I’m not leaving you.”
She huffed as she stood up. “Whatever, sleep on the couch,” she told me before walking to the bedroom.
I moved to sit on the couch. I couldn’t believe she had been pregnant and hadn’t told me. I could understand not telling me immediately but she had been given plenty of time. I would’ve been happy. Having a child with her would have been amazing.
A tear slipped out of my eye as I thought about her losing our child. I wish I could’ve been with her and gone through it together. Instead, she was with Shane. The thought made my anger spike while my heart broke for her. I walked slowly into her room after my shower and watched her sleep. She looked peaceful except that her eyebrows were furrowed. She was probably dreaming about the miscarriage or her jerk boyfriend yelling at her afterwards. I felt like a complete asshole.
I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I love you,” I whispered.
I went back to the couch and laid down, feeling heartbroken. I let the reality of what had happened sink in. She had gone through her second miscarriage; she was hurting and grieving while I played a stupid game.
Vanessa
I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and rolled over, staring at the ceiling. I could smell eggs and bacon. What the hell? I pushed the blanket off myself and stood up. Everything from the night before crashed in on me. Shane giving me back my grandmother’s ring, the miscarriage, and the fight with Jackson.
He must’ve stayed the night, though, because he was up and cooking me breakfast. I sat down again, trying to collect my thoughts. Last night, I’d decided that I had to end our relationship. I might not ever be able to carry a child to term, which meant that, if he stayed with me, we may never share a child. Eventually, he would want to make it work as a family with Cynthia and his child. He may not think that now but he would. Eventually. I knew that the longer our relationship went on, the harder it would be for me when he broke things off and ran to them. His family.
I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the fight I was about to have with Jackson.
As I walked down the short hallway, I could see him standing over the stove, watching the bacon cook, lost in his thoughts. He was only wearing his boxers and his chest looked even more amazing than I remembered. I’m sure it was because it was the last time I would get to see it up close.
I cleared my throat as I strolled up to the kitchen counter. “Why are you still here, cooking breakfast?” I asked.
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He turned to face me. “I’m here because I didn’t want to leave you alone with everything that happened last night. I figured you might be hungry, so I made you something to eat.”
I really wanted to walk to him and have him wrap his arms around me. I couldn’t so I took another deep breath. “You should go.”
“No. You lost our baby. We should talk about that.” Of course he would think it was all my fault. Like I had a choice or like I’d done something to cause the miscarriage. My face must’ve paled. “No, Vanessa not like that. I know it wasn’t your fault. I just meant that you’re the one who went through it. It happened to your body and I wasn’t even there.”
“You need to leave. We have nothing to discuss. We’re done,” I said, backing away from him. I hoped he would just take it at that. I didn’t want to explain all of the reasons he was better off without me.
“Will you please quit being so defensive and just listen to me?” he pleaded, while turning the burner off.
“I’m not being defensive. You just don’t want to listen. We are done.”
“Done with this conversation or done as in our relationship?” he asked.
“Done as in our relationship.” I said in my bitchiest tone.
He stepped in front of me. So close that our chests were touching. “You don’t mean that. You’re hurting right now and lashing out.”
I guess he isn’t hurting? “No. I’m not lashing out. I’m thinking really clearly right now. We. Are. Done. Now leave.” I bit out before walking to the door and opening it.
“Fine. You know how to reach me when you change your mind. I’ll be waiting,” he said before he slipped on his clothes and walked out the door, then down the steps. I closed the door, resting my head back on it. I sank down as the sobs took over. I cried harder than I had in my entire life. I cried for the loss of another child and for the loss of Jackson. I believed in my heart he was my soul mate, but when you love someone, you have to be selfless and let them go when it’s the best for them. It didn’t matter that my heart was splitting in two; what mattered was that he would be free to be happy. I had done the right thing.