‘No. I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of all that. But believe me I’ll find some way of getting back at them. They think they’ve got rid of me but I’ll see them fucked.’
Tim’s concern was beginning to turn to alarm. Henry was lurching between despair and a wild urge for revenge. A drunken and angry Henry was manageable, in a chaotic sort of way but in this mood he threatened to wreak serious mayhem. Tim decided that they had better meet up soon. He would try to conjure some way of salvaging the apparently unsalvageable.
‘Henry we need to get together to see what we can do. Get a good night’s sleep if you can and let’s meet in the Mitre tomorrow. Can you make it by four-thirty? It shouldn’t be too crowded at that time. We can have a proper conversation about how you can respond. Don’t do anything that might make things worse. Hang on for a while so that we can think things through.’
‘Thanks, thanks a lot. But you don’t have to do this. I don’t want my troubles to land on your back. As far as the hierarchy is concerned you’d be consorting with an undesirable person. They’re a vindictive lot if you get on the wrong side of them. I don’t want to drag you into the mire.’
‘Don’t be defeatist Henry, that’s not you. Let’s meet tomorrow. I don’t want to be trite but things always look better after a decent night’s sleep.’
‘If you say so Tim… Thanks anyway. See you tomorrow, then - four-thirty.’
Tim was tired but he wasn’t quite in the mood for bed. A beer might take the edge off his worries about Henry. He had others problems too – his own. And he didn’t care to think about those either at the moment. Instead of a beer he settled for something stronger, a glass of calvados from a premium bottle he had brought back from Normandy some years earlier. He sipped slowly, rolling the heavy liquid on his taste buds, its vapour a comforting anaesthetic to his anxieties.
He resisted the temptation of a second glass before turning in. But the elixir had already worked its magic. He slept heavily and if he dreamed at all he remembered nothing.
Next morning at work he continued to mull over Henry’s sacking without coming up with any further ideas. Almost on a whim he decided to call Aisha Khan. He doubted if she would be able to offer any suggestions either but she still seemed to like Henry despite his aquatic adventures at her party. She might persuade him from doing something that everyone but Henry would regret.
Tim quickly came to the point.
‘Aisha, I have a problem or rather Henry has.’
‘Go on.’
‘Did you know he’s been fired?’
There was a moment of silence.
‘Poor Henry,’ she said softly. ‘No I didn’t know, but on reflection I suppose I’m not surprised. I hope it wasn’t that incident at my place. Maybe I should have steered the two of them away from each other but I thought it might help that they were talking. I didn’t imagine they’d end up in the pool together.’
‘No, don’t worry it was nothing to do with you. Anyway, I don’t think they could sack him for something that happened off campus, providing he wasn’t breaking the law. And that fiasco may not have been entirely his fault. Swankie has a subtle way of needling people.’
‘What then, is it his alcoholism? Surely he needs help with that, not to be thrown out?’
‘No, it wasn’t that. I don’t think that’s a sacking offence in itself. I’m not sure how they put it precisely but he’s considered to be not adequately fulfilling the terms of his contract.’
‘I see. Is it too late for us to do something to help? Assuming there is something we can do.’
Tim was not about to miss a chance to get Aisha on board. ‘Look, Aisha, I’m going to meet Henry later today, at four-thirty. I hesitate to ask but would you mind coming with me? Or joining us later if you’ve can’t finish work in time? You might be able to influence him more than I can. To be honest I can’t see a way out of this for him. I’m not sure there is one. He doesn’t seem to have any notion of compromise, it’s as though he’d rather fight to the bitter end. It’s almost like he’s got some sort of death wish.’
‘Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad,’ said Aisha quickly. But Tim’s words had alarmed her. ‘Of course I’ll come, but I won’t be able to make it until just after five. I’ll get my friend Caroline to hang on to Ali until I can collect him later.’
‘Hey, I’m sorry… I’d forgotten that you have to pick up Ali. I didn’t mean to mess up your routine. Don’t worry about it. I’ll cope with Henry. He and I will come up with something. Bang two wooden heads together and produce a plank.’
Aisha laughed but resisted the offer of an easy escape. ‘It’s no trouble. Anyway, Ali loves going back with Caroline and Danny. It’s a treat for him. No, I’ll catch up with you just after five. Make sure you’ve got in a mineral water and a packet of cashews for me.’
‘What terrible vices you have! No problem, see you later. And thanks.’
Tim made sure he got to the Mitre a few minutes early. Aisha would not want to be left waiting around on her own. In fact it was Tim who found himself alone, as Henry had not yet made it. He was slightly surprised. The pub was one place Henry usually got to ahead of time. But he was glad of a few minutes to himself. He found a discretely placed table and sat down. Depressingly, he had still not come up with any solution to the mess his friend was in. Henry was his own worst enemy. Deliberately or not the chances were he would torpedo any plan to help him out. Maybe Aisha could think of a ‘Henry proof idea’: a difficult trick to pull off given that Henry had to be at the centre of any idea she came up with.
Aisha arrived as she had said shortly after five.
‘Hi Tim, sorry I couldn’t make it earlier.’ She looked around. ‘Where’s Henry?’
‘Hi Aisha, it’s good to see you. I guess Henry is on his way. I was just about to get you your mineral water and cashews and I may as well get a pint for Henry as well.’
‘Thanks, that’s kind of you,’ she said, sitting down.
Henry had still not arrived by the time Tim delivered the drinks. He was used to Henry’s habits but was unhappy at any inconvenience to Aisha.
‘I think you said that you have to get back to Waqar and Ali in time for dinner.’
‘I’m afraid so. Sometimes we get a cook in but I promised I’d make dinner tonight.’ She sighed heavily. ‘The joys of being a working mum.’
He looked at her in surprise. She always seemed so organised that he forgot that she must be under as much pressure as him. It was naïve to take her calm demeanour and seemingly effortless concern for others for granted.
‘Maybe we should be worrying about ourselves rather than trying to sort out Henry. You’d think he’d at least turn up to cooperate in his own rescue, assuming he can be rescued. Anyway, Aisha, how have things gone for you this last year? It’s really flashing by for me.’
‘I’ve enjoyed the work. It’s what I want to do. I couldn’t believe it when I got the job. It’s stretched me in other areas though. I don’t see as much of either Waqar or Ali as when I was studying or doing only part-time work. I knew there would be adjustments but it’s the effect on other people that’s difficult to deal with, it’s how they react.’
Tim sensed that Aisha was half-inclined to say more. He held back for a few seconds but she remained silent. He continued to make the running with the conversation. Scarcely aware that it was happening, Aisha’s receptive presence was breaking down his usual reticence. He began to open up to her. ‘I agree with you about how these big career decisions affect others. Coming here has really turned my life upside down. As you know I was already separated from my wife Gina, you met her at your party.’
‘Yes, I liked her. She’s was very friendly and good fun as well.’
‘Yes, she is. Anyway I don’t think she and I have completely let go of the each other. The way we feel, I mean. I guess that often happens with couples that were very close for a long time. There’s still too much emotional baggage around for us to switc
h quickly into ‘just good friends’ mode. I thought moving away might help but it’s not exactly been a clean break. It couldn’t be anyway because of our child, Maria.’
‘It must be difficult coping with things from a distance, especially for your relationship with Maria. At least adults understand what’s happening, children can become very confused.’
An anxious expression crossed Tim’s face. He put his hand to his brow, absently massaging his temples. ‘I know. You saw Maria. I don’t think she blames me for the break-up: it’s more that she feels rejected. She’s angry with me for not being around on a day-to-day basis. She feels insecure, doesn’t really trust me anymore. I suppose she worries that if I keep coming and going one day I’ll disappear altogether. She’s not rejected me but I worry that it’s going in that direction. It’s a defensive thing and I can’t blame her really. But it’s easier to understand than do something about.’
He paused for a moment, aware that his habit of worrying about other people’s feelings, even his daughter’s, gave him an escape from confronting his own. He had been talking as if to himself, eyes glazed and opaque, as though trying to work things out. Refocusing he found Aisha looking attentively at him. They held each other’s gaze. Simultaneously they smiled, retreating from the intensity of the moment.
‘Sorry that was a bit heavy. I’ve been so busy I seem to have let things build up.’
‘Tim, there’s no need to apologise for having feelings. You’ve been working so hard it’s not surprising you’re tired. You’re in overdrive most of the time. You’ve done well to keep up with your daughter. And it’s not all bad. As you say she doesn’t blame you for the break up of your relationship.’
‘I wish I could say the same for Gina.’
‘She blames you, then?’
‘Yes. Well… yes. But it’s worse than that. Once she’d decided I’d betrayed her trust she closed down on me. I guess I didn’t expect her to be quite so final about it. She was very disillusioned. She found someone else quite quickly after I’d…’ He stopped mid-sentence.
Aisha did not push Tim to say exactly what had happened but she sensed that he might want to talk more. ‘That must have hurt you.’
‘It did but,’ Tim went quiet. He seldom admitted to feeling hurt. Why was he doing so now? And why was it ‘an admission’? The trick is not to mind that it hurts. Not a very clever trick after all: just driving the wound deeper. Either way, he decided it was time to retreat from the subject – the subject having become himself. A therapy session with Aisha was not the purpose of the meeting. His impulse was to turn the conversation around.
‘Aisha, here I am baring my soul to you and as usual you’re listening rather than talking. Maybe your life is free of serious problems. Or perhaps you cope so well that you don’t need to talk about them.’
‘Tim, it’s you that’s the dark horse. My life is normally pretty straightforward and so am I. Anyway I’m glad you’ve thrown some light on yourself. I was beginning to wonder how much there is behind the cool?’
Aisha was teasing but she had unsettled Tim. He was sticking with the idea that it was Aisha’s turn to open up.
‘So you have a life free of problems then, or perhaps you really don’t need to talk about them.’
‘Of course I need to talk about them, sometimes.’
‘I suppose that’s where your partner comes in.’
‘Not necessarily.’
‘Not necessarily?’
‘No, as you know, partners can sometimes be the problem.’
Tim had managed to shift the conversation away from himself.
‘So who listens to you when you need to talk?’
‘Friends, mainly other women. I went to a counsellor for a few months once.’
Tim hesitated. Was he being helpful or just plain nosey? He trusted to his intuition that Aisha might want to talk.
‘What kind of counsellor?’
Now Aisha hesitated.
‘A marriage counsellor.’
‘I thought…’
‘You probably thought, like everybody else that I have an ideal life. Well it is pretty good in most ways, the obvious ways but…’
Tim waited, he was not going to push Aisha into giving confidences she was uncomfortable with.
‘Tim, my husband is a great provider, a great protector and most of the time a good father. He’s also, as you saw, in some ways quite modern and forward looking in his outlook,’ she hesitated again, ‘but he’s quite traditional in his attitude towards women. It’s something we’ve had to work on a lot.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘He believes that they’re very different, very other, than men.’
‘He could be right,’ Tim grinned at his modest witticism.
For once Aisha looked annoyed.
Tim back peddled. ‘I only mean in certain ways. Difference doesn’t mean inequality. I wasn’t intending to be flippant.’
‘Tim. Let me explain. I don’t need a lecture in gender politics. This is an everyday issue for me. It hasn’t popped out of a textbook. I can’t believe I’m talking to you about it. I suppose it’s because you seem to have a bit more ‘university of life experience’ than most of the men I meet. I hope it all hasn’t turned you into a cynic.’
It felt odd to be simultaneously complimented and chastised. Aisha’s feelings seemed conflicted. But if she did want to talk he would listen. He’d try to show some sensitivity. ‘Aisha you’ve listened to me and I trust you. You can trust me, I promise. Maybe we should agree that this conversation is in total confidence?’
‘I do agree but you haven’t actually said very much in confidence to me yet. You said you were hurt about the break-up of your relationship, but believe it or not that is fairly obvious, especially from the way you were looking at your wife at the party.
‘Was it that obvious?’
Tim shifted uncomfortably as the conversation swung back to him. Almost on auto-cue he came up with a diversion.
‘Where the hell is Henry? There’s a man who really has problems, and they could get worse given his Attila the Hun tendencies.’
‘Tim, let’s deal with Henry when he arrives. I was just going to say that to me, Gina looked as though she’s still very fond of you. And she also seemed quite sad. You said she blames you for your break-up. Maybe she simply knew that emotionally she could not live with you after what had happened, whatever that was exactly; ‘more in sorrow than in anger’ as they say. That might explain why she found someone else so soon. Anyway, do you blame yourself?’
Tim was caught by the directness of the question. There was nothing for it but to flee into a moral abstraction. ‘Blame isn’t a very sophisticated concept. We live in an age of moral ambiguity.’
‘Tim, that may be true but it doesn’t answer the question. I think you’re indulging in what the shrinks call ‘avoidance.’
‘Are you asking if it’s my fault?’
‘That’s not quite the same question but…’
‘Yes, I had an affair.’
‘And obviously she found out.’
‘Not exactly; she never had proof and I never really admitted to it.’
‘Should you have done?’
‘Maybe, probably… Yes.’
‘If she knew or believed that you lied, maybe that was more the issue for her than the infidelity.’
‘It could be. Anyway, I think it’s too late now. As I said, she’s found someone else. They’re living together in our old place as it happens.’ The thought reawoke his sense of loss and regret. He found himself reaching for some sort of self-justification. ‘Maybe very occasionally dishonesty is justifiable in a relationship? Men have to deal with contradiction, you know. Most of them really want a decent home life and to be decent themselves but many – probably more than you think also succumb to the temptation of instinctual attraction. The two things don’t gel well at all.’
‘What makes you think it’s so different for women? Most of
us have to decide between loyalty and desire at some point in our lives. Anyway, the truth is the only fair basis on which people can decide how to relate to each other. At least you seem to have got some way to telling Gina the truth. Most lies are attempts to deceive others into doing or thinking something that they otherwise wouldn’t so that the liar can gain some advantage, usually at the expense of the victim of the lie.’
‘That’s a very dispassionate and analytical way of looking at it. I’m not sure all lies are so calculated. Aren’t they often the bastard child of passion? Anyway I bet you’re glad that you have a stable marriage even if it’s not perfect.’ He was shifting the spotlight again.
‘Perfect it isn’t.’
‘Tim gave Aisha a sharply quizzical glance.’
‘It looked pretty good to me.’
‘All that glitters… Lots of marriages look good from the outside. And to be honest I have a lot to be thankful for but…’
Tim waited.
‘But I believe that I have the same problem with Waqar that your wife had with you.’
‘Dishonesty?’
‘Yes that, but firstly infidelity.’
‘God! I’m surprised. Are you sure? I mean, you’d think he’d realise how lucky he is. I mean…’
‘Thanks. That’s very kind of you. He does treat me very well as he sees it. But he doesn’t appreciate how much I’ve changed. He doesn’t know how to react to it. He’s quite a bit older than me and even now he ‘daddies’ me, treats me as his ‘darling princess.’ But that doesn’t stop him having an affair in London. Two friends have separately warned me about it, so I’m pretty sure it’s happening. Maybe he gets his real kicks down there. Sometimes it feels as if I’m just for decoration and status. Like the house, something to show off.’
‘How long have you known about it?’
‘Several months, almost a year.’
‘I see,’ Tim was pensive for a moment. ‘You must have felt badly let down at times, quite isolated, lonely.’
Tim Connor Hits Trouble Page 25