His eyes glimmered with amusement and an enormous grin pulled at his lips. He didn’t back away though. He just stayed there, smiling against my lips, and I was willing to forget about everything if only to keep him that close forever.
Unfortunately, I never got what I wanted, apparently.
Evy cleared her throat from right above us. “Are you two coming for breakfast or what? Nate, let the girl go pee already!”
He chuckled deeply and pulled back. I suddenly had the urge to slap Evy in the face for making him move. But then I took a deep breath and pushed myself up. “You’re lucky, Nate.” I held two fingers about half a centimeter apart from each other. “I was this close.”
He laughed loudly and I turned, hurrying towards the bathroom, seriously in fear of losing the control over my bladder.
Nate
I watched Ali as she all but ran towards the bathroom with a big-ass grin on my face. She really was something. I’d basically told her I couldn’t be what she wanted, what she deserved, that I may never be, and she’d accepted it. I could see in her eyes that she was already feeling more for me than she’d admitted, but I’d still acted like a selfish asshole.
We’d see where it would get us. We’d just go as it felt right. I didn’t have to try and give her what I wasn’t ready to. And I would still get to have her around, as a friend. A friend I wanted to feel around me all the time. A friend I couldn’t stop thinking of how her lips would taste. A friend I wanted to sink myself in and devour for days.
Like, I said. Selfish asshole.
But I stopped myself right there. Friends. That’s all we were. Maybe a little harmless flirting, but nothing more. I didn’t want more. I wasn’t ready for more. And she understood that.
Jesus, that girl was perfect.
Evy cleared her throat above me and I blinked up at her. I realized I’d been staring at where Ali had run off too for God knows how long. I tried schooling my expression into something neutral, but it wasn’t working. So I just turned my big-ass grin towards my twin. “What?” I asked innocently.
She lifted her eyebrows in question. “Seriously? Spill it, bro. You’re together now, right? All that cuddling and flirting and laughing… You basically had your lips on her a minute ago.”
I sighed and pushed myself up, completely ignoring Evy and heading to the kitchen.
“Hey!” Evy grabbed my arm as I reached the island and span me around. Dammit, she was strong and she didn’t even look it. “Talk, dammit,” she bit out.
I sighed. “None of your business, Evy. It’s between me and Ali.”
Kay poked my shoulder with a fork, making me jump with a startled gasp. “Don’t talk to my girl like that and answer her fucking question.”
I rubbed the spot where he’d poked me and scowled. “We’re friends, okay? I told her I’m not ready for more and she’s okay with that. We’ll just see where things take us.”
Evy’s jaw dropped open and Kay shook his head in disbelief. “Asshole,” he muttered.
I shoved him. “Fuck off, Kay. It has nothing to do with you or what you think. Again. It’s between me and Ali.”
Evy seemed furious. “You are an asshole, Nate. That girl is crazy about you. She’d do anything you’d ask and you’re just, what, using her? You can’t have everything without giving something, Nate. It doesn’t work that way.”
Guilt started clawing its way into my heart again. I knew I was selfish. But Ali knew it too and she was okay with it. And it only mattered what she thought, right? I shook my head. “It’s not like that, Evy. I didn’t ask anything from her. We’re just friends.”
Evy huffed in exasperation, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’ve been saying that for two fucking weeks, Nate. And you’re not even convincing yourself. The way you two were on the couch a few minutes ago is not how just-friends act. Why can’t you just be a man about it and admit you have feelings for her?”
“Because I don’t want to, okay?” I hissed out, wanting to scream but also trying not to let Ali hear any of this. “I’m not ready to have feelings for anyone, because I can’t have my heart broken again. This is my business, Evy, so as much as I love you, stop meddling. I know you care and you’re just trying to help me, but I don’t want you to. I’m dealing with everything on my own. What I have with Ali has nothing to do with you.”
The door to the bathroom opened and none of the three of us said anything else. I thought I saw tears in Evy’s eyes at some point, and I wanted to throw myself out the window for it. I’d hurt her and I hated it. She and I had never fought. And I’d screwed up again.
Fuck!
Ali sat beside me at the island and grinned at everyone, seemingly unaware of the tension around her. “So, what’s for breakfast?”
I walked behind my twin as she was standing in front of the sink, and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m sorry,” I whispered in her hair.
I felt her sigh. “I know. I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to pry, just… I’m worried about you, and I’m really worried about Ali too. I know it’s not my business. I was just being a privy sister.”
I propped my chin on her shoulder. “Please try to understand. You have no idea how much it hurt to lose her, Evy. How much it still hurts. She was your friend, yes, but it’s not the same. You only felt a fraction of it when you almost lost Kay, but then you got relief. Imagine having that pain for months and without the relief. I can’t go through that again. I can’t love again.”
She leaned into me, pressing her head on my shoulder. “I do understand. But I think you’re just afraid. And, Nate, don’t hate me for this, but she wouldn’t have wanted you to not love again. And before you say anything, I’m not saying you have to love Ali. I’m just saying that you let yourself relax. Take whatever life brings to you and live it.”
I chuckled softly. “That’s the weird thing, Evy. That’s exactly what Ali and I talked about when you left us on the couch, and that’s what we’ve agreed to do. Relax. Be cool about everything. See where things take us.”
Evy shook her head. “See, we’re saying the same words, but we mean entirely different things. But I won’t push any further. You do what you think is best, and know that I’m here if you need me.”
I kissed the back of her head before pulling back. “I know, sis.”
I turned to walk back to the living room when Evy stopped me. “Just think about one last thing. You say you can’t love her by fear of hurting in case you lose her. How would you feel if you lost her today? Or tomorrow? Wouldn’t it still hurt?”
I swallowed hard and turned my back to her. I didn’t even want to think of the possibility of losing someone else I cared for. Would it hurt if I lost Ali? Did I care for her? The answer to both was yes. And, oddly enough, Evy’s words reminded me of something I’d said to Kay when he’d been afraid of the same thing.
But I pushed all those thoughts away as soon as I entered the living room. I watched Ali, laughing at what Kay was telling her, her entire face glowing with content. I was just glad I hadn’t messed things up. She and I would still be friends, and I could just be myself around her. And if by that it meant I sometimes acted like an asshole, I knew she wouldn’t get upset with me, and would still be my friend afterwards.
Yeah, I knew that made me an even bigger asshole.
I plopped on the couch beside her and she bounced with a startled gasp. I laughed. “So, what are we doing today?”
Ali shrugged, still smiling. “I’m the tourist here. The lot of you have to entertain me.”
I chuckled shaking my head. “Well, whatever we’re doing, we have to finish the movie tonight. You fell asleep after half-an-hour, England. It’s an insult to the God of Thunder.”
She bit her lip. “Well, in that case, I have to drop by my dormitory and take a few more clothes. I only brought a change for one slumber party. And I’m taking the bed tonight. The sofa is all yours, thank you very much.”
I sat up straight, bringing my hand up in a
mock salute. “Yes, ma’am.”
Kay chuckled. “Gramps would love this one. She sure knows how to handle the likes of you.”
“Speaking of which,” Evy came out of the kitchen, “Ali, where are you spending Thanksgiving break?”
Ali shrugged and slightly frowned. “Here, probably. I’m in no hurry of going back to London and Mother’s house. Maybe I can convince Oli to fly over for the weekend.”
Kay nodded. “That settles it then. You’re coming with us to San Diego.”
Ali’s eyes flew wide open. “Pardon?”
I chuckled. “I thought you were smarter, England. Thanksgiving. We’re all going to San Diego, Evy’s parents’ house. You’re coming.”
She looked at the three of us in surprise. “Um, I wouldn’t want to—”
“Don’t even dare finish that sentence,” Evy glared at her. “You’re coming and that’s that. I’m calling my parents right away to let them know.” And she stood to do just that.
Ali looked at her in complete astonishment. “Um, alright, I suppose.”
Her cute, confused face made me laugh. I draped an arm around her shoulders. “Evy’s parents are both doctors, so you can interrogate them over the job. And you’ll get to taste our Gran’s cooking.”
Her smile returned and she looked over at Kay. “Did you take your skills from her? If that’s the case, I may need to permanently move into your Grandmother’s house.”
Kay laughed. “I dare say that she does cook even better than me. But if her skills were hereditary, Nate here would have gotten some. Instead he’s so hopeless he’s been planning to have me living with him when he finally settles down. He’s actually told me so himself.”
I had. About a year ago, after having breakfast in a similar kitchen like the one we had now. Kiara was with us then. I swallowed the rising emotion back down. Kay was looking at me intently, studying my expression not with regret for reminding me, but with determination. He’d wanted me to remember her.
I gave him a small nod and then managed to give a smile to Ali. “I have said that. I’m not ashamed to admit it.” Then I turned back to Kay with a smirk. “And I’d also offered you Evy in exchange for your services. You’d accepted, if memory serves.”
Kay nodded, a small smile playing in his eyes, but his face remained expressionless. “I had, but it’s not viable anymore. She’s already mine. And besides, if you even attempted on referring to Evy as property in front of her, she’d cut our balls off. You need to find another form of payment, bro. And make it something that I really want too. My cooking skills don’t come cheap.”
I had the slightest impression he was being serious. He wanted something from me. And I had a feeling what that was. I just couldn’t give that. At least not yet. “I’ll try to find something, bro. And when I find it I hope it’s enough.” All pretenses of humor were gone from our talk. We were both serious now.
Kay just looked at me with that look he always got when his protective side over the people he loved was fierce, letting me know that he expected me to do what he wanted. To let someone in my heart again. I wished I could do that. I really did. But I knew I wouldn’t. Not yet.
“Um, why do I feel like I shouldn’t be here when you’re having this conversation?” Ali asked in reluctance. “I can go, um, in the other room if you guys need—”
“No, you don’t,” Evy came back from her bedroom. “They’ve said all they wanted in that strange, secret man-code. Now you and I are going back to your dormitory for more of your clothes, and anything else you might need for two more nights here.”
Ali’s eyes opened wide. “Two nights? Evy, I can’t. I have classes on Monday and—”
“And I can drive you,” I finished for her, thankful that Evy had made the suggestion I’d already thought of. “We do go to the same University you know,” I finished with a smirk.
Her eyes lit up, but she didn’t agree immediately. “Are you guys sure? That is to say, wouldn’t I be a burden?”
Evy snorted and Kay chuckled. I pretended to think. “Well, since I’m giving up my bed for you – and it’s not a bad time to point out the couch is a bit uncomfortable – you may need to do something for us in return. How are your cooking skills?”
She laughed nervously. “Um, not very good. In fact, I’ve never cooked anything in my life. Mother would have gone mental had I tried to lower myself enough to even pour water in a pot. But I bake. My friend Oli and I have made it into an art really. If you don’t mind me using some of your baking equipment that is, I can bake some cookies later or tomorrow.”
I grinned at her. She looked unsure and nervous. “Cool. Payment accepted. You’ll make us chocolate chip cookies in exchange for spending two more nights here.”
Evy’s hand landed on the back of my head, the slap sounding worse than it felt. “Shut up, Nate. Ali, he’s joking, of course. You don’t need to bake anything, and if he has a problem, he can go find a hotel-room to stay in.”
Ali laughed, a little more relaxed now. “Oh, I do know he’s joking. But I would love to bake cookies for all of you if you don’t mind. I haven’t in what seems like ages, and it really relaxes me.”
Kay chuckled. “Well, that settles it then. I’m pretty good with cooking, but not so much with baking and stuff. If you’re as good as you say, we may have to kick Nate out and give you his room.”
I pretended to be offended, and hung my mouth open. “What the hell? You’re selling me out over Ali’s baking skills?”
Kay shrugged. “What can I say, bro? Sweet girls and cookies have always had the top spot in my heart. You just have to accept it.”
Ali laughed and I grinned in response. The sound was like the clearest melody played on a well-tuned grand piano. “Bloody hell, if baking cookies is all it takes to throw Nate out, I dare say you were just looking for an excuse. He can’t be that bad to live with.”
Evy grabbed Ali’s hand and pulled her away towards the door. I caught myself before I complained already for her absence. “I’ll tell you all about it on our way to your dorm. You tell me what you think about it afterwards.”
Ali continued giggling, and she looked at me with raised eyebrows as Evy dragged her away.
When I was alone with Kay, he got up and squeezed my shoulder as he passed by me and said, “I trust you, Nate. I trust you’ll do the right thing by you and her. And I trust that you know I’m here. I know how bad things can be, how they can feel. I know. So, I trust that you’ll come to me when you feel the need. Trust me as I trust you, Nate. That’s all I ask.”
My brother left me alone, looking down at my hands with the sudden urge to punch something so hard they would bleed. I wasn’t angry with my brother or Evy. Actually I wasn’t angry at all. The need to punch something was because of something else entirely. It was because of complete and sickening frustration. Frustration over what I’d lost, which wasn’t only Kiara. I’d lost so much more. My heart, my mind, my will, my life.
I could feel I wasn’t the same. And I wanted to be. Jesus, I wanted to be the same so badly I ached. I wanted to be able to laugh with my twin like we used to. I wanted to be able to play the piano with the longing and joy I used to. I wanted to be able to let go and love Ali. Because she deserved it, if she wanted it. She deserved to have everything she wanted.
And yet I knew I would never be the same. Somewhere deep inside me I knew what I’d said to Ali was a lie, which made me an even bigger asshole than what she thought. I’d told her that maybe someday I could give her more. That maybe someday I’d be me again. And I would never be.
I just hoped she wouldn’t fall for me. And that she would love someone else and walk away from me like I deserved. And until then I was going to use whatever time I had with her, because she was the closest I had to peace. The closest I had to feeling a little lighter, at least until everything came back to me and pushed me a little further back in the ground.
“Jesus, fuck!” I groaned around a mouthful of sugary goodness. �
��Fuck, Ali, these are amazing!” I swallowed and grabbed another cookie, shoving it in my mouth whole.
Ali grinned, taking a tiny bite off her cookie. “I know, right? Oli’s grandmother gave us the recipe, but Oli and I have perfected it over the years. Switching white sugar with brown and some other changes I’m keeping a secret… But I do believe it’s the best recipe ever too.” Her grin turned to a smile, radiant and beautiful. “I’m glad you like them.”
“Like them?” I shook my head and took the whole plate on my lap. “I hate them. In fact, they’re so bad I’m sure everyone who eats are going to get food-poisoning. So I’m eating the whole batch right now, just to make sure no one else gets hurt.”
Kay laughed. “Taking one for the team, huh? Well, I can sacrifice too, bro.” He reached for a cookie and I swatted his hand away. He narrowed his eyes. “If you don’t let me have a cookie, I’m going to throw you out the window.”
I raised an eyebrow and smirked. “But that would mean the plate goes out with me.”
He narrowed his eyes even more. “I’ll have a bit of Evelyn’s blood first then. I’ll throw you out and then fall behind you to grab the plate before it breaks. I can be very graphic over the many ways I’m picturing of ending your life if you don’t give me a fucking cookie.”
I simply blinked at him. He curled his lips and let his fangs slip out.
Evy burst out laughing. “Seriously, boys, grow up. You’re scaring Ali and she’s never going to bake us cookies again. Kaylan put away those fangs. Nate, put down the damn plate and share.”
I whipped around at her words and looked over at Ali. She did look a little pale and frightened. I suddenly felt like a complete jerk. “Ali, I’m sorry,” I whispered, putting the plate back on the coffee table. “We didn’t mean any of it. It was just a joke.”
She looked at me and gave me a small smile. “Of course I know that, Nate. I didn’t think you were serious. It’s just… I’ve never been allowed to even talk about vampires before, and it all feels a little odd. Not that I mind you two are vampires. The opposite in fact. I have always felt the pariah for being kept away from others, only because of a small difference in their DNA. Which is utter shite considering every person alive has different DNA from everyone else. I should know. I’m really good in biology.” She smiled a little bigger then and my heart squeezed.
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