Our mouths danced together in a silent melody, lost in its rhythm and the bliss it brought. I could feel though that it was about to end. I didn’t dare move, in fear I would make him end it a moment sooner. My whole body ached for him, ached to feel his touch and his lips everywhere.
He ended it with brief, feather-light brushes, just like he’d started. His breathing was heavy and his erection was pressing hard against my hip, demanding to be attended to. “See?” he breathed. “Even now I’m being selfish. Even as I hold you and feel your tears on my fingers, I take all I want without giving you anything. Please, Ali. Please tell me to leave. Because I’m too selfish to make that decision on my own.”
I shook my head, pressed my forehead on his cheek. “No. Nothing’s changed. Everything is just like it was the first time we talked about this. We’re friends, Nate. No matter what I feel, we’re friends. And I’ll never tell you to leave.”
He let out a resigned sound and gathered me in a tight hug. I wrapped my own arms around his waist, holding on to him. Even though I knew this was the most of him I would ever have, it was enough for the moment. It would have to be because I was unable to let him go.
We stayed like that, wrapped in each other’s arms, for I don’t even know how long. None of us talked, just took whatever the other was giving. And I knew I was giving more, but I honestly didn’t care. My heart was his anyway, what was the point of denying it?
“She was the first girl I loved,” he whispered. “We were friends first. I was attracted to her, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. She hadn’t shown signs that she was attracted to me too, at least none that I could see. We met on our freshman year, and Evy and I both liked her a lot. We were having fun together. She was smart and funny, and there was chemistry between us. But I wouldn’t have taken it further if she hadn’t. She was too important to lose in case things didn’t work.
”I’d fooled around with Macy Walters, but had broken it off because she’d wanted me to drink from her. I don’t do that. It’s not who I am, no matter how natural it comes to us vampires. Macy is the kind of girl that is used to always get what she wants. She didn’t like that I’d denied her what she wanted, and she made sure to glare at me and whoever was with me.
”Kiara never took well with girls like her, and she got pissed. So, to get Macy off my back, she started flirting with me in front of her. I was thrilled. And then I realized why she was doing it and I got angry. I got hurt because in my mind her behavior was as bad as Macy’s. So I decided to retaliate.
”I grilled her. I flirted then ignored her. For a week I kept it up, planning to top it off at a frat party at the end of the week. But I ended up being grilled by her. Long story short, the next day we were a couple. And every day it got better and better.
”Kay and Evy had gotten into a fight after Thanksgiving and Evy was staying at Kiara’s for a couple of weeks. On Saturday before the quarter finals, Kay finally manned up and went to make up with Evy, so Kiara and I holed up in my apartment.
”There was this guy, Garth, who wanted Evy but she’d rejected him. In fact, she’d humiliated him, and so had Kay. And he wanted payback. He was crazy before, but Sunday night… he broke into the labs and drank the blood from Kiara’s research.”
The enzyme-filled blood… I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing what would come next, but I let him go on. He needed this.
“He was obsessed with Evy. When the enzyme kicked in, he wanted to find her and kill her. He broke into our apartment. I didn’t even have time to react. And even if I had, what would I’ve done? Kiara was a vampire too, and I had no blood to drink to protect us. But I stood between him and her anyway.
”Of course, it did nothing to him. He laughed and grabbed me by the neck, asked me where Evy was. I told him to fuck off and he knocked me out.
”When I came to, I was on a chair in the basement under the labs. Kay was fighting Garth. Evy had put her body in front of me in a last attempt to keep me safe. And Kiara… He’d drunk all of her blood. She had no pulse and her skin was ice cold. And then the fight suddenly stopped. Kay had stubbed Garth, but Garth had stubbed him too.
”And I left her. I ran to my brother’s side. He managed to survive, thanks to Evy injecting him with her blood directly to the heart. Apparently, Garth had just grazed Kay’s heart, but Evy’s blood was strong. But that was it for Kiara. Can you imagine it? One moment and she was gone. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say I loved her.”
Something dripped on my hair. Nate was crying and just at the thought, the tears that had been gathering slipped out of my own eyes too. I tightened my hold on him, because I needed him to know I was there. He leaned his head forward and pressed his lips on the top of my head and we stayed there, both crying for his pain.
Several minutes later I felt him pulling away. “This is the first time I cry for her. Such an asshole I am that I never cried. And she deserves it, she deserves every tear.”
I pulled back to look at him. “You’re blaming yourself, aren’t you? For what happened, for not telling her you loved her, for not crying… For everything.”
He shook his head and closed his eyes tight. “The ME said she was gone before Kay and Evy managed to get to us. Without access to blood I know there was nothing I could have done to save her. But the rest? Yeah, I blame myself. I should have told her. I should have said those three fucking words long before that night.”
“Nate.” I cupped his face and wiped away his tears. His eyes opened and locked with mine. The pain in his was so obvious, I wished I could just reach in and pull it out. “She knew. The moment you stood in front of her to protect her from Garth, without ever having a chance to defeat him, she knew. Because it meant you were willing to die to protect her. That… Only people that love you are willing to do that. You didn’t say the words, Nate, but you showed her. She knew.”
More tears spilled from his eyes, and he squeezed them shut again. “Then why do I feel like I failed her? It’s been almost a year and the pain hasn’t subsided. Every night I close my eyes – the nights when you’re not there – I feel the pain tearing through me. And when you’re there I hate myself for not letting the pain in.”
I pressed my forehead against his and took a deep breath. “I know, Nate. When my Dad died I felt the same. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I’d told him I loved him. A few months later, I couldn’t remember the sound of his laughter. I spent years crying over him, and I only realized when I turned sixteen that there was no point. I may not remember the details, but I remember who he was. I remember how he loved me and how I loved him. And in the end, it’s all that matters. You don’t have to forget her, Nate. And you don’t have to stop loving her. Do what comes natural. But don’t regret what time you had with her. Don’t regret not telling her things. Don’t regret anything. Just remember.”
He nodded and opened his eyes. “Thank you. I know I shouldn’t—”
I stopped him with my fingers on his lips. “Any time, Nate. Any time. And thank you for telling me. For sharing your pain with me.”
He nodded again and I let my fingers slip down to his chest. I settled against him again and we just sat there, not caring about anything else.
And then, just like that, I knew.
“Nate.”
“Hm?”
“Evy has the enzyme, doesn’t she?”
Nate’s body stiffened in response. I let my hands roam over his chest to calm him down.
“Her blood was in Kiara’s samples and that’s why Garth wanted to kill Evy specifically. He got addicted to it. But you said she gave Kay her blood to save him. And…” I pushed back to look at his face. “Evy and Kay first met at the zoo when they were really young. She gave him her blood back then, didn’t she? Kay is immune to the enzyme. He was the reason Kiara had started the research.”
“Ali—”
“It’s alright. I’m not going to say anything and I don’t need you to either. It would have been incredi
ble if I had the chance to get some samples and continue the research, but it’s not as important. I understand why none of you told me. This could get really dangerous really fast. Just pretend I never found out.”
His hands shot up and cupped my face. “Are you for real? You’ve given me everything and you’re still giving, without asking for anything in return. How can you be real, Ali? How can a sweet, beautiful, smart, polite, giving person like you even exist?” He pulled my face to his and brushed his lips over my forehead. “Of course we’ll tell Kay and Evy, and they’ll give you the samples you need. We have absolutely no reason not to trust you, and every fucking reason to help you. Don’t be afraid to ask for anything, babe. Anything at all.”
I sighed in his hold. That wasn’t true, though. I couldn’t ask for anything. I couldn’t ask for the only thing I wanted, the only thing he couldn’t give me. So I asked for the next best thing. “I only want to be your friend, Nate. Yours and Evy’s and Kay’s and Luke’s. That’s all I want.”
His whole body shuddered and I knew he could read behind my words at what I really wanted. But he just nodded and gave me a small smile. “You have us, Ali. From the very first day, you have all of us. Come on. Let’s take you out of here. Kay is making steaks for dinner.”
Nate
Just thinking of what a fucked-up asshole I was made me want to punch myself.
She was in love with me. Ali was in love with me.
I’d let this go too far. Why the fuck hadn’t I backed off weeks ago? I could have avoided this. Avoided breaking her heart. And now it was inevitable.
I was a colossal motherfucker.
They’d all warned me. My brother, my sister, my friend, all of them. And I hadn’t listened. Now this sweet girl sitting in my car beside me would get her heart broken, because I’d been selfish.
She was in love with me.
I still couldn’t wrap my mind around that. I’d known she liked me, that she’d been attracted to me. But I’d done everything in my power to keep it friendly. I hadn’t flirted, hadn’t tried to kiss her and had kept my dick – that got annoyingly hard whenever she was around – as best hidden as possible.
But you didn’t really do your best now, did you, asshole?
No, I hadn’t done everything. Because almost every night she’d slept in my bed, tucked against my side with my arms wrapped around her. I’d whined like the big baby I’d been and got her to sleep with me, so I could get some sleep myself.
And she’d fallen.
And I knew the pain. I knew how she would feel when she would finally realize that I was never going to be myself again to fall in love with someone – with her. No matter how you lose the person you love, it hurts the same. It’s the loss that hurts, not the way.
I had to end this. As much as I hated it, I had to. I would put distance between us. The sleepovers definitely had to stop. And I probably had to stop seeing her so much. Give her time to forget about me, maybe meet someone else.
I clenched my teeth at the thought, not wanting to think of her with anyone else, but then I kicked myself. I had no say over this. It was her life, and I was willingly choosing to stay out of it.
And I would stay out. I would even stop talking to her if it meant she could move on. Which was the exact opposite of what she’d asked of me. To have me, even as a friend. It would probably make me more of an asshole, but I had to do it.
The ride to my apartment went by in a blur, and before I knew it we were sitting in the living room with Kay, Evy and Luke. I caught Evy’s questioning look, but didn’t elaborate. I didn’t need another lesson in ‘How to avoid being a douchebag 101’. I’d failed that class and had to retake it from the beginning.
So I just nudged Ali and whispered, “Tell them.”
Evy’s hands shot up and she clasped them under her chin, her eyes opening wide. “You’re pregnant!”
Jesus, fuck! This woman had to be a joke. Déjà vu much? “Shut up, Evy. Not the time for jokes.”
Ali scrunched up her nose, but I saw her giving a small smirk to my twin. “I’m not the one practicing on how to have multiple babies daily, Evy.”
Everyone’s mouths dropped open – yes, including mine – before we all cracked up. Fuck! This girl was amazing.
Evy managed to contain her laughs and whiz out, “Cute, Ali. Really cute. Now spill your guts or whatever it is you British people say.”
“Cough up,” Ali offered, matter-of-factly and sent us all into another round of laughs.
When we finally managed to stop, Ali looked a little more relaxed. After my sharing the story of the most horrible night of my life as an answer to her confessing her love to me, I needed her to relax.
“Right,” Ali mumbled. She looked around nervously, biting her lower lip so hard I wanted to stick my thumb between her teeth to free it before she drew blood. “Right,” she said again, a little louder this time, and looked up. “I was going through Kiara’s notes for what felt like the hundredth time. My mind was stuck on a loop over a small detail she’d let slip from her fingers. When writing about the donor of the enzyme-filled blood, she used the word ‘her’.”
I saw Evy’s shoulders get stiff for a second, before she turned to look at me. I gave my twin a small, reassuring smile and nodded my head lightly. Evy’s shoulders sagged, and she let out a breath that sounded like it was being held for years. “You figured it out,” she exhaled, looking at Ali for an answer.
Ali nodded. “There were many clues, but I hadn’t put them all together. When I remembered the story of how you and Kay met so many years ago, my mind was trying hard to figure it out. And when Nate told me that Garth was really after you, somehow it all clicked in place. Evy has the enzyme and Kay is immune to it. I wouldn’t have figured it out if Kay hadn’t mentioned once that he was going to drink Evy’s blood.” She took a deep breath and lowered her head. “You don’t need to worry about this getting out of this room. I know what’s at risk if people find out about you two, and I promise to tell no one. I won’t even mention this conversation again, as if it never happened. You can trust me.”
I wanted to jump up and squeeze her in my arms, but I resisted. I even held back from reaching out to grab her hand, a gesture that could easily be simply friendly. My keeping away from her had to start immediately.
Thankfully, Evy moved and sat beside her, pulling her in a hug. “Honey, we never thought we couldn’t trust you. But it wouldn’t be fair of us to ask you to hide something this big. We knew you’re too smart for your own good, and would eventually figure it out on your own. And honestly? We gave you as much information as possible to help you on that area. We wanted you to know.”
Ali lifted her head and looked at everyone. “So, you’re not mad?”
Kay chuckled. “Mad? Little thing, we couldn’t be happier. Now you know and we can help you with your research. Help you finish what Kiara started and put an end to this madness that has the world scared for their lives.”
“But if you do continue the research,” Luke chimed in, “you’ll need to be extra careful. My buddy in the PD said they’ve apprehended a couple more thugs, who were talking about an organization that wants to seize all researches concerning the eradication of the addiction, among other things. There are crazy people out there. If one of them even suspects you have what you need to finish the research, you could be in danger.”
Ali nodded. “I know. And believe me, I’m scared enough not to tell a single soul about any progress unless I have the vaccine ready for distribution.”
Evy nodded, her face serious. “Good. We don’t want to lose another friend.”
My heart clenched in my chest, and I felt sick at the thought of reliving the events of last year, especially with Ali. “Nothing will happen to Ali,” I said through gritted teeth, trying desperately to hold back a scream of pure pain that was trying to rise out of my chest.
“What Nate said.” Kay leaned forward, propping his forearms on his knees. “We’ll keep you
safe, little thing.”
Luke put his big hand on Ali’s shoulder, and I felt my body tightening, readying to spring up and shove him away from her. But I stayed put. “You got that right. Just do your best to keep this a secret and everything will be fine.”
Ali gave us all a relieved smile, and I swear I saw her eyes sparkle with tears. My stomach clenched so tight, I thought there was a boa constrictor in there, trying to squeeze the life out of me. I wanted to dive out of the window, just to cause myself the amount of pain I knew she was going to go through.
We spent the rest of the afternoon together, and I started putting a distance between me and her. Just little things, not talking much, smiling instead of laughing with her jokes and, of course, not touching her. I hadn’t realized it before, but I’d always been touching her somehow. Even if it was just a strand of her hair around my finger. I couldn’t help but think how I could have fallen for her, if I were the old me. It was so fucking unfair that I met her now.
I took Luke aside at some point, when Ali was busy talking with Evy and Kay about the research.
“Hey, man, I need a favor,” I told him.
Luke’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Okay…?”
“I want you to set up a date between Ali and your friend.”
Now his eyebrows slammed down, his grey eyes glinting dangerously. “Why, Nate? I thought you didn’t want anyone near her until you admit to yourself you want her.”
I shook my head, suddenly feeling too exhausted to argue. “I want her to go out with someone else. I’m spending too much time with her, and she’s bound to get the wrong idea. I don’t want her to… start having feelings for me.”
The moment the words came out of my mouth, I knew they’d been the wrong thing to say. If Luke had a trait it was observance. Nothing got past him. So he was probably already aware Ali was in love with me. He probably knew before even she did.
“Nate…” he warned.
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