“Yeah. Why?” she asked as April’s smile widened.
“Vitamin E is often referred to as the sex vitamin,” April replied with a laugh. “It’s been known to boost the sex drive of both men and women. Red-raspberry leaves are said to help with fertility both before and during pregnancy and are also a good source ofvitamin E. Is it safe to say you’re considering an alternative to insemination?” she finished with a knowing smile.
Courtney didn’t really know how to respond to that. She sat stunned for several moments. She’d never asked Ian what the tea and vitamins were for. He was always offering suggestions on how to live healthier and ways to naturally alleviate ailments and most of the time he was right. After getting used to the flavor of the tea, she had merely thought it was calming, soothing to the soul—like the ginseng tea he’d made for her after she’d lost the baby.
Another comment Ian had made, about how he should have been giving her the tea instead of ice cream when she was pregnant, made sense now. Why would he give her the tea now, though? She wasn’t pregnant. Was he hoping she would reconsider and try for another baby? With him? And he’d suggested a vitamin known as the sex vitamin…right after she’d kissed him.
“Do men have a biological clock?” Courtney finally asked.
April studied her for a moment as though reading her mind. “I suppose they do, but in my experience a man normally feels familial when he’s found someone he cares about. Pregnancy and childbirth can be an incredibly bonding time between two people.”
Courtney struggled to ask April questions that normally were easy for her, but because those things conjured up images of Ian, she instead sat biting her lip in thought.
“As you may remember from the discussion we had when we did the procedure to remove your hymen, you are no longer a virgin in the physical sense of the word. However, you and I both know that your experience with sex is very limited, so I would recommend that if you go that route, you talk it over with…your partner,” April persisted when Courtney continued to sit in silence unable to form a reasonable question.
“Will it…hurt? I mean even though I’m not a virgin anymore,” she asked, finally meeting April’s gaze. The idea of being nearly forty years old and never having had sex would be laughable to some, but to Courtney…right now it was just awkward and made things more complicated.
“You of all people know that what you witnessed was not about sex. It was about power, control and violence. The sexual act was just the weapon. Sex isn’t supposed to be like that, whether it’s with a man or a woman. With the right person it should be easy, natural and wonderful. If a sexual experience isn’t all those things, then you have the right to change your mind and say no—at any point. A reasonable person, someone like your friend, Ian, for example, will understand that. Sex is about giving…not taking,” April replied.
“Do you think the tea and vitamins are making me think of things like…that?” Courtney asked, finally managing to hold April’s assessing gaze without looking away.
“Medicines, herbs, lotions, massage and even aromas can go a long way in putting a person in the mood, but the mind is the best aphrodisiac in the world. It is the potion that rules them all. If your mind truly has no desire, then all of those enhancements will be meaningless,” April said. “However, if your mind is considering sexuality in any form, then I can’t think of a more potent combination than what you are currently taking.”
Having lost a game of Uno against her, Ian had offered to cook her dinner this evening at his house. With Rusty gone for the night, Ian was dog sitting for Ronnie and Kayla while they were out of town. Courtney would be alone with Ian and the large dog he and his army buddies referred to as Sergeant Buck. Essentially she had a captive audience. Did she have the guts to ask him why he had recommended the tea and the vitamin E? Would he give her the same information that April had given her?
The one and only time in her life she’d ever even considered having sex, and it had to be with someone she was beginning to adore. Figured.
She took a little extra care with her appearance that night just to see if it made any difference to him. It was silly and pointless, but she had to know if he was expecting more from her than friendship. He was a good friend and he deserved a chance at happiness. The idea that she could have a normal sexual relationship with a man was ridiculous at best, and Ian wanted a family, which was highly unlikely with her even if she could get past the sex part. Another miscarriage would devastate them both and besides, she didn’t like being touched, let alone kissed….
A mental image of herself in Ian’s strong arms, naked, with him kissing her lips and neck, was so distracting she nearly missed the turn onto Rusty’s street. It had to be the sex vitamin. She took a few minutes to pull herself together before getting out of the car. Ian opened the front door holding a wooden spoon and wearing an apron that had the image of a woman’s sexy maid outfit on the front.
When he glanced down at what she was looking at, he laughed and said, “Jess’s idea of a joke. Don’t ask.”
As she entered the house, Sergeant Buck came over and sniffed her hand before tucking his head down in a silent request for a pat. She gently rubbed his head, and he looked up at her with eyes that spoke of deep sorrow. A veterinarian or a dog whisperer she was not, but in that moment she could swear the dog was depressed. He displayed more signs of depression than some of her patients who received medication for it.
“What is it, boy?” she crooned to him while giving him a scratch behind his ear. Ian headed back to the kitchen to check on their dinner, so she followed the dog into the living room and was surprised when he went directly to a picture frame on one of the end tables. Using his nose he nudged the picture until it fell onto the floor.
“Look what you did.” She smiled at him then bent to pick up the fallen picture. Turning it over, she saw it was a picture of Rusty. She sat it back up on the table and again patted the dog’s head. “Do you miss Rusty?”
He looked away from her and then looked back at her out of the corner of his eye and whined. She’d never seen a dog look so dejected. “Maybe you miss Ronnie?” she tried again.
The dog, as though disappointed in her ability to comb through his responses and pick out the emotions behind them, lumbered over to a large pillow on the floor near the television and lay down, releasing a big sigh. Trying to apologize for her shortcomings by way of a frown she made her way into the kitchen to see if Ian needed any help. Entering the kitchen, she was hit with the smell of ginseng and was unable to take her eyes off Ian. Attraction. Whether it was because of the vitamins and tea or not…she was attracted to him. Looking over his shoulder at her, he grinned and she actually felt the look he gave her like a caress.
Setting down a large spoon, he buttered a piece of bread with some sort of spread that smelled like it contained honey.
“Here, try this,” he offered. Once she took the slice from his hand he said, “Want something to drink?”
“Sure.” She took a bite of the buttered bread and it was exquisite. The spread definitely contained honey—but also pecans—and the combination melted on her tongue. After swallowing, she said, “I think Sergeant Buck is unimpressed with my ability as a therapist.”
Ian tensed slightly, enough to make the therapist in her want to poke at his reaction. She finished her bread and waited to see if he would say what he was thinking. When he pulled out a glass and poured her some kind of fruit juice from a pitcher in the fridge instead of saying anything she said, “He seems so sad. I think he must miss Ronnie and Kayla.”
“He’s always like that. At least since…” he started. “The only time he’s not moping is when Ronnie takes him to the high school. He seems to really like the kids, and they like him.”
His attempt to mask whatever it was he had started to say was commendable but she was not one to be led astray. “Did something happen to him?”<
br />
“Well he served with us, if that’s what you mean. He saved our asses once. That’s why when they retired him, Ronnie jumped through all kinds of hoops to adopt him,” he said, turning off the wok and pulling some plates down out of a cabinet.
“Saved you…how?” she asked quietly.
“We were on a routine mission, the same one we had been doing for months. And we’re all kind of screwing around a little bit, right? I was on foot, walking near Buck and his handler at the time, and had ventured off the side of the road a little ways when all of a sudden Buck indicated there was…that there was a, um.” He stopped and set the plates on the counter as though lost in a bad dream.
“A bomb?” she prompted softly.
“An IED. Yeah. Anyway, he indicated it was real close to me. We all froze, even Buck’s handler and Rusty. So Ronnie tries to help by calling Buck over to him. He’s watching the path Buck takes to get from me over to him, right?” He swallowed hard. “So Buck makes it over to Ronnie and then Ronnie tells me to call him back. We do this a couple of times, making him go back and forth between us until we have a definite path between ourselves. Then the final time I followed Buck over to Ronnie.”
He stopped talking and just stood staring off into space for several minutes. She had read many articles on coping techniques for veterans whether they suffered from depression, PTSD or grief, but until now she’d never seen one. As unprofessional as it would be, and realistically not a good idea in his obvious emotional state, she wanted to touch him, to comfort him. He suddenly shook his head as though clearing out his thoughts. “Let’s just say that old dog in there led every man in our unit to safety that day. So if he wants to mope, he can mope.”
An awkward silence surrounded the giant of a man who suddenly seemed vulnerable. She could no longer remain where she was. Laying her hand on his arm gently, she found herself saying, “I’m sorry, Ian. I wish there was something I could do or say….”
When he didn’t respond, she made an attempt to use his brand of humor to bring him back into the present. “I would hug you or even kiss you again if it would help, but no tongue action. My kisses are gross enough without all that.”
He moved up so close to her she felt his body along the entire length of hers. Every inch of her skin responded to his nearness. He moved her hand from his arm to his broad shoulder and then moved her other hand to the opposite shoulder. “A hug would be great.”
She didn’t even hesitate. She went up on tiptoes, leaned forward into his embrace and hugged him. The feel of his strong arms around her back and waist didn’t create panic or fear at all. It felt good…really good. She held him to her for several moments and then gently pulled back only to realize how close his mouth was to hers. Her eyes met his smoke-filled ones as he waited to see what she would do. If she would do something…or nothing at all.
“I’m thinking I’m going to need that kiss after all,” he said before capturing her lips with his.
Unlike when she had kissed him, this kiss was slow and leisurely instead of rushed and awkward. His mouth would release hers for a brief moment only to allow her time to take a breath before he would kiss her again. Open-mouthed kisses that created a heated tingly sensation between her legs. Arousal. The sensation was wonderful, and a shiver went up her back at the exquisiteness of it. A small sound escaped her mouth on a sigh. He kissed her one final time and then backed away from her slowly, staring at her mouth before meeting her gaze.
Unsure of what to say after experiencing a kiss more than worthy of the movies, she finally raised her arm and wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her shirt as he had done to her. He laughed out loud and said, “Touché.”
When he continued to look at her she blushed. Seeing the smile plastered on his face, she said, “What?”
“I’ve never been to a therapist before, but I’m pretty sure kissing your patients is not okay.” He laughed.
“I don’t kiss my patients…ever,” she said with a laugh. “You’re not my patient.”
“I’m not? What exactly am I then?” he asked, his grin widening.
She was actually starting to enjoy flirting with him, and his perfect teeth were showing behind his sexy smile. “Handsome,” she finally answered and then looked away from his smoke-filled eyes. When she was met with silence she looked back at him only to see his eyes sparkling like crystal.
“Is that right? Anything else?” he asked.
“You’re not a patient, you’re a friend. Patients pay to come and talk to me in my office, friends talk to me over dinner,” she replied with a smile.
“So I’m a handsome friend, huh?”
His grin was contagious. She felt herself smiling, too. “Yes, and you’re a better kisser than me,” she finished on a breathless laugh. Even talking about kissing him made her tingly all over again.
“That’s not all I’m good at,” he said softly. Her gaze found his smoky one and something like a gasp escaped her mouth. Smiling again, he said, “I make a pretty mean stir-fry, but if you keep kissing on me, it’s going to get cold.”
With that he turned his back to her and dished up food onto plates. Dinner was filled with conversation about everything from her classes at the college to his fights, from Zach’s surgery to Ian’s relationship with Jess versus Courtney’s relationship with Jess. She was amazed at how much they had in common. She was surprised he didn’t know how intelligent he was. It especially showed any time he talked about anything having to do with the human body.
After dinner she helped him clean up the mess he had made in Rusty’s kitchen and was surprised it was so late. Somehow, the more she was around Ian, the faster the time seemed to go. She followed him into the living room and she sat next to him on the couch. He was so much fun and he put her at ease. He was the only man she could ever remember feeling comfortable around.
A small part of her felt guilty that while he’d shared a couple of really painful experiences with her, she had yet to share anything of real substance about her past. She was more familiar with listening than reciprocating.
Sergeant Buck lumbered over and sniffed Ian, who scratched behind his ears. The dog looked up at her with pleading eyes as though begging her to trust him…or Ian…or both.
Could she?
Glancing over at Ian, she took a deep breath and said, “You probably think I’m pretty weird, huh?”
“You? Weird? Nah. Never,” he said with a laugh. Then when his normal jokes didn’t ease her anxiety, he said, “Seriously you are no weirder than me or Jess. Everyone has issues, thoughts, goals, dreams…fears.”
Fears. Her fears were deep-seated and incapacitating at times, and they involved men. “I have more fears than most people, a phobia, basically…of men.” There. It was out. When he didn’t say anything she felt a need to explain further.
“That’s why I was inseminated. I wanted a child but could not get past my fear of men to…” She paused and took a deep breath for courage. “I witnessed a crime when I was young and I’ve never been able to get past it. Over the years it has manifested into paranoia. That’s why I act so weird sometimes.”
“Jess mentioned you had a traumatic experience once, but she didn’t go into details,” he said quietly. “She wanted to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.”
Courtney rushed on before she lost her nerve. “My mother died when I was six, so I went to live with my aunt. When I was about ten there were these two men who hung around our neighborhood. They were always giving her a hard time. We didn’t know their names or anything about them, so we just avoided them whenever we could. Aunt Corrine has a lot of…less-than-feminine qualities. And even though she dated men, these boys thought she was…like Jess,” she said, taking another deep breath but failing to keep her tears at bay.
“One day I stayed home sick from school and woke up to these two guys yelling at her. They were in our house…
in the hall right outside my room. For some reason I decided to crawl under my bed and hide. They dragged her into my room, which was the closest one to where they’d caught her, and they forced themselves on her. Instead of crawling out from under my bed and trying to help her, I just hid until they left.”
Unable to continue, Courtney simply sat and cried. Ian got up and went down the hall, returning with a box of tissues. He still didn’t say anything. He just sat listening and waiting for the therapist to finish with her own personal breakdown. After several minutes she finally managed to collect herself.
“She told me later how proud of me she was, for staying underneath the bed and not letting them know I was there,” she said, her voice breaking. “Unfortunately, by not doing anything to help, not fighting for her or something, I’ve developed this unrealistic fear of men that has gotten worse over the years. I’ve talked to colleagues, tried hypnosis, anxiety medications…and finally just accepted that it’s part of who I am. The baby was, in my mind, the final stage of accepting this part of me. It was a way to move past the idea of a ‘normal’ family. There are plenty of single parents out there, and I was ready to join the ranks…only in this case by choice.”
After several minutes he said, “I don’t think I can do any more kissing tonight, but I can offer you a hug if it would help.”
Then one extra-large arm wrapped around her shoulders, tugging her closer. He simply held her against his chest as she tried to pull herself together. Amazingly, she had shared more with Ian than she had with anyone else in her life. She had always tried to use technical terms with her colleagues for fear they would see her as less of a professional. Aunt Corrine, being the kind of woman she was, had been able to put the experience behind her years ago. So for Courtney to still be hanging onto it after all of these years just seemed ridiculous…especially when she wasn’t even the victim. So she never brought it up with her aunt. Jess was warm, funny and downright sweet, but Courtney hadn’t wanted to share the details once she’d seen how difficult it had been for Jess to hear the summary version. Courtney wasn’t really sure why sharing the details with Ian felt right but it did. Letting him offer her comfort also felt good. She let him hold her for quite a while.
Maid to Love (Man Maid Book 3) Page 9