When we finally landed I helped secure the seaplane to the dock.
“I got you a room at the hotel,” Captain Forrester said. “Go. Take care of her and call me when you get settled.”
Inside the seaplane, I unbuckled Calia. “I need you to come with me,” I said. I hated that my voice sounded so stern, but she had to walk under her own power because I’d have my hands full until I could get us checked in.
I slung my duffel bag over my arm and pulled our two suitcases behind me as the rain pelted us. The only positive is that it washed some of the blood from Calia’s skin so we wouldn’t look like something out of a horror film when we walked into the hotel.
I sat her on a bench in the lobby and once I had the room key I motioned her to follow.
• • •
When we entered our room I closed the door behind us, went into the bathroom, and filled the tub with warm water. Calia was sitting on the edge of the bed, not crying, not speaking. Just sitting there. I pulled her gently to her feet and she put her hand in mine and let me lead her to the bathroom. I took off her clothes and helped her step into the tub.
“Please don’t leave,” she whispered.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll do whatever you need me to do,” I said. Using my cupped hands, I scooped up water and let it run down her scalp until her hair was wet. I washed her hair and her body and when the water turned pink I quickly drained the tub. I turned the taps on again and filled it with fresh water, which stayed clear this time. “Are you warm enough?” I asked.
She nodded and laid her head against the back of the tub, so I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the stall shower on the opposite side of the room. After quickly washing myself, I wrapped a towel around my waist and knelt down beside her. Her eyes were closed.
“Let’s get you dried off,” I said, helping her out of the tub.
“Okay.”
I patted her skin with a towel and grabbed one of the robes from the closet, wrapping it around her and leading her back to the bed. After I pulled back the covers she slid between the sheets and curled into a ball. “I’m going to order some food and it would really make me feel better if you could try to eat something.” Neither of us had eaten since breakfast the day before, and though I had no appetite, my stomach felt empty and hollow. “Do you want to try some soup?”
She nodded. “Can you order me some hot tea?”
“Of course.”
She tried, she really did. She managed to swallow some of the soup and all the tea. After that she burrowed down into the covers and went back to sleep, and eventually I joined her.
• • •
When I opened my eyes the next morning Calia was already awake. When she felt me stir she turned toward me. Her eyes were red and swollen, but she didn’t start crying again. “I miss him, Owen. I just miss him so much.”
“I know you do.” I pulled her closer. She rested her head on my chest and I rubbed her back. “Tell me what you want to do and I’ll make it happen.”
“I want to go home. I want to be where everything is familiar. Where James’s things are. Pictures of him. Things of his that I can smell and touch. I need that.”
“Then I’ll take you there,” I said.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I know it seems like I’m barely functioning, but I can do this. I can get there on my own. I feel a bit better now, really.
“What about your uncle? Do you want me to call him? He may want to make arrangements . . . send someone to retrieve the body.”
She winced when I said that. “He won’t care,” she said. “He won’t want to be bothered. Mum has a friend named Sally. They’ve been close since they were young girls, like sisters almost. She always told me I was like a second daughter to her. I’ll call her. She’ll know what to do.”
“Do you still have your plane ticket?” I asked.
“It’s in my suitcase.”
“I’ll take care of switching your flight.”
“It’s my fault,” she said suddenly, like the knowledge had been pressing down on her and she couldn’t hold it in one more second. “I told him I wanted to go to the island and when he said he wouldn’t let me go alone I begged him to come with me. What have I done, Owen?”
I pulled her into my arms, and this time, her tears did fall again. “You didn’t do anything, Calia. You didn’t do anything at all.”
Because if James’s death was anyone’s fault, it was mine.
Chapter 15
Anna
I feel as if my heart will break in two. The look on Owen’s face is almost more than I can bear, and I can tell without a doubt that his remorse runs miles deep. T.J. holds me in his arms as I cry silent tears for Owen, and for Calia, and especially for James.
I think about how many times T.J. and I were in danger and probably didn’t even know it. How many times were there sharks nearby that decided to leave us alone? Was the shark that bit James simply reminding him that he was in their territory? Maybe it was an exploratory bite but in the worst possible place, resulting in an injury far beyond Owen and Calia’s lifesaving abilities. James took risks the same way T.J. sometimes had while we were on the island. I’d been so angry the day I discovered him standing waist-deep in the water when he knew it was dangerous. I accused him of acting as if he were invincible. Maybe James thought he was invincible, too.
I’m torn between the relief that T.J. never had to pay for his actions with his life with the knowledge that James did. It all seems so random, arbitrary, unfair. A perfect storm of things that went wrong.
I simply can’t imagine what it had been like for all of them on the beach that day. Owen’s expression, full of heartache and pain and anguish, tells me that I probably never will.
Chapter 16
Owen
Calia’s plane was scheduled to take off at 5:00 P.M.
“I can go with you,” I said. “I’ll help you when you get home, make some calls, do whatever you need me to do.” I didn’t want to be in her way, and I sensed that she needed to be alone with James’s memory for a while, but it still felt wrong to just put her on a plane.
“I’ve got a few great girlfriends who will help me. I know I seem helpless, Owen, but I can do this.” She smiled at me. It was a weak smile, and it required some effort on her part, but it was a hell of an improvement from the almost-catatonic state she’d been in.
“I’ll go back and get him,” I said. It took a minute for my words to sink in, but then she seemed to understand.
“You will?” she asked.
“Yes.”
There was no disguising the hopeful expression on her face, and I realized that this was the one thing I could do for her. “When?”
“Whenever you want me to. I can go right away, or I can wait.” My words sounded braver than I felt. Maybe a better man wouldn’t have let anything stop him, but there was a part of me that could hardly stomach the thought of going back for James in the next couple of days, after the island heat and humidity had kicked his decomposition into high gear. But I would have, if she had said the word.
Calia must have been thinking about that, too, because she looked anxious and scared. “I don’t want to see him like that.”
“I understand.”
“He’ll be okay, won’t he?”
“Yes. No one is going to touch him or move him, or even know that he’s there. I can stay here, maybe bum around Thailand for a while, and then go back for him in early June, after you return from Africa. Then we’ll bury him.” I didn’t know how long it would take James to decompose fully, but that should be enough time to do it. I didn’t know the legalities involved in transporting human remains, either, but I had plenty of time to find out.
“There’s a small cemetery not far from my home. I would like to bring him there, Owen. I would like that a lot.”
“Okay. That’s what we’ll do then.”
Calia reached into her bag and pulled out a phone. “Program your number
into my mobile.”
I typed in my contact information and hit SAVE, then handed it back to her.
“Thank you for being willing to bring James home,” she said.
“I’d do anything for you, Calia,” I said, and then I hailed a cab and we went to the airport.
• • •
Right before her boarding call, I took her face in my hands and kissed her softly. Then I pulled her close and whispered in her ear. She whispered a response in mine, hugged me one last time, and walked onto the plane.
• • •
She never called.
I expected her to let me know that she’d arrived in Farnham safely, and my cell phone was never far from my side those first few days. I checked it repeatedly, in case I’d somehow missed her call.
At first I told myself that she was probably busy trying to deal with all the things that would need her attention, and she’d just forgotten.
But how could you forget to make a call like that?
I also expected an outraged phone call from Calia’s uncle. She said he wouldn’t care, but how could you not care about something like that? How could you not attempt to bring your nephew’s body home, regardless of the relationship you had with him?
What I didn’t expect was to receive no call at all.
After she’d been gone a week I had my own version of a breakdown. I’d rented a small place in Malé after I checked out of the hotel, and it felt as if the walls were literally closing in. I was consumed by despair, and I’d convinced myself that Calia blamed me for James’s death, regretted ever crossing my path. That she didn’t have any intention of calling me but hadn’t wanted to hurt my feelings.
I felt utterly selfish and completely adrift. I couldn’t get past the fact that I’d ruined everything for Calia. My choices had inadvertently ended the life of the only person she had left in the world. The guilt and the remorse came crashing down and there were days when I could hardly get out of bed.
When it seemed like I had done nothing but sleep for weeks, I made myself get up. I didn’t want to, but I did. I took a shower and got dressed and I went outside for five minutes. Then I went inside and went back to bed. But the next day I got up again and I went for a walk through the streets of Malé. I made myself get out of bed every day after that, and eventually, I didn’t have to try that hard anymore. I did travel then, monthlong trips to Thailand and Sri Lanka, Vietnam and Cambodia. The traveling helped to pass the time.
At the beginning of June I made a phone call. “I need you to fly me back to the island.”
“Why, son?” Captain Forrester asked. “Why do you want to go back there?”
“Because I said I would.”
He didn’t try to talk me out of it. He agreed to help me, the way he always had. “Meet me at the seaplane dock at 9:00 A.M. tomorrow, Owen.”
Just like old times.
I waited for him all morning, but he never showed. When I saw a group of pilots huddled together on the dock talking, I asked them if they knew anything.
And that’s when I found out that Captain Mick Forrester’s seaplane had gone down in the ocean carrying two people from Chicago.
Chapter 17
Owen
Anna and T.J. don’t say anything at first, and in the silence I swear I can hear the ticking of my watch. My throat burns from talking so long, and my voice is hoarse.
Anna leaves the room and returns with a glass of ice water. She hands it to me and I drink half of it before setting down the glass. I make myself keep talking, because I haven’t told them the worst part.
“There’s more,” I say. “I knew where the island was located. I’d asked one day when we were flying back from one of the supply runs. I didn’t understand a lot of what he said when he started talking about navigational aids and headings and all kinds of things I wasn’t familiar with, so I pulled my journal and a pen out of my duffel bag and asked him to repeat it. I could have easily hired another pilot to take me to the island. I could have been on my way there the next morning. I sat on a bench in the airport terminal for almost two hours, trying to decide whether or not to go back.” I hesitate because this is the moment I’ve been dreading. “But I didn’t because it suddenly seemed pointless. What good was it if I could find the island, but I couldn’t find Calia? So instead of returning to the island, I packed up my stuff and left. Took the first plane out. And that’s why I came here. To tell you how much I regret that decision.”
Anna looks like she might cry. Or throw up. Or faint. T.J. doesn’t look so good either; all the color has drained out of his face. They’re probably remembering their first day on the island, and how desperately they wanted to see a plane fly overhead and land in the lagoon. T.J. reaches for Anna's hand. She’s not crying, but she has that same look on her face that Calia did when James died: shell-shocked.
I know there’s nothing I can say that will change how they feel, so I wait for them to speak.
“You okay, sweetie?” T.J. asks Anna.
She nods her head, takes a deep breath, and lets it out. “I’m okay,” she says.
T.J. begins to speak. “Anna and I have this philosophy. She told me once when we were on the island, ‘What’s done is done.’ We’d discovered your shack and the plastic container you used to collect water. If we’d found it earlier, we might not have drunk the pond water, which meant we wouldn’t have gotten sick and we would have been on the beach when the rescue plane flew over. There was a second plane that flew over after we’d been on the island for about a year. If it had spotted us, we’d have been rescued earlier and Anna would have been able to spend time with her parents before they passed away. But those things didn’t happen. What’s done is done. We can hardly blame you for a decision that you had no idea would affect us. We still won, Owen. We survived and we have this great life. I understand why you came here and why needed to tell us your story. But you can let it go, okay?”
I don’t think I’ve ever been so overcome by emotion in my life. I can’t speak, because I’m in danger of breaking down right in front of them. I nod instead, and look away, taking deep breaths. When I find some measure of control I say, “I’m going back to the island, to do what I promised I would do. Knowing what you’ve been through, I feel like it’s the only way for me to come full circle. I’m not staying long—one night only—but I wondered if you might consider coming along, T.J.”
“Is it still there?” T.J. asks. “We thought the island had been decimated during the tsunami.”
“It’s still there. I hired a pilot who agreed to check it out for me, using the information I’d written down about where it was located.”
He doesn’t say anything at first, but then he glances at Anna and says, “Thanks. I’m gonna have to pass.”
“I understand,” I say. “Just thought I’d ask.”
A baby’s cries fill the room and it startles me because it’s so loud. T.J. crosses the room and turns down the baby monitor that’s sitting on a side table.
“I’ll check on her,” Anna says. She walks over to me and gives me a hug. “Good night, Owen. It was so nice to meet you.”
It’s late, and T.J. walks me to the door. “When are you going?” he asks.
“My flight to Malé is in seven days. Plenty of time if you should change your mind. And the flight and all expenses would be on me.”
“It would scare Anna.”
“Like I said. I understand completely.”
“Are you flying out of O’Hare?” T.J. asks.
“Yes.”
“Then come back tomorrow night. Have dinner with us again. I’ll invite my friend Ben. I’m sure he’d like to meet you.”
“Okay,” I say. “I will. Thanks. For everything.”
He nods. “Sure. See you tomorrow.”
Chapter 18
T.J.
Afterward, when Owen has gone back to his hotel, I walk into the nursery. Anna is sitting in the chair rocking Piper, who is still fussing. “Is it he
r teeth?” I ask.
Anna nods. “Probably. She’s got one ready to poke through. I gave her some Motrin.”
I cross the room, bend down near the rocking chair, and stroke the baby’s head. “Are you okay?” I ask.
She nods.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” She seems fragile, like she might shatter into a million pieces at any moment. But she won’t; she’s tougher than that.
“That was hard to hear,” I say.
“Yes,” she says. “It took a lot of courage for him to come here.”
I know Anna doesn’t blame Owen, and what I told him was true. We’ve gone down the “if-only” road and we decided a long time ago that there was no sense in dwelling on things we couldn’t change. In the grand scheme of things, we consider ourselves lucky. But Anna lost more than I did while we were on the island, and I’d bet money that she’s thinking about her parents and how much she misses them right now.
“I know you want to go back to the island with Owen,” she says.
I open my mouth to protest, but she shakes her head.
“I know you better than anyone I’ve ever known. I could see it on your face, T.J.”
She’s absolutely right.
I do want to go. And this time I want to arrive and leave under my own power, not be plunged into the ocean or blown off the beach. I want to stand on that sand and know that I’m there on my terms. I want to know that while I’m there, Anna and the kids are safe at home, waiting for me.
“Not one thing was by choice when we were there,” I say. “I would like to stand on that beach and know that I’m the one who’s in control this time.”
“You know I would never hold you back from doing something you wanted to do,” she says. “I think you should go with Owen.”
“You hate that island,” I counter.
“I do,” she says. “I hate that such a beautiful, breathtaking place almost killed us. But without it I wouldn’t have you. And if you want to go back, then go. You have my blessing.”
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