by K. S. Adkins
I just wasn’t used to seeing her so... lean.
Now when I gripped her there was less to hold on to, and I missed the fullness of her hips.
But it was as I was rutting into her from behind and I saw, as well as felt, the outline of her rib cage that I paused.
Because in so many ways she was still mine, but in other ways she wasn’t.
Proof of this was beneath my fingertips.
The reality of what I had done to her, to us, it broke me all over again.
Staring down at her beautiful body, I realized how much damage I had done.
What that motherfucker made me do...
Swear to Christ, until she looked over her shoulder at me I hadn’t realized just how far gone I was.
And when she braced herself for what was coming, what she knew I needed to take control back, I saw and felt that this was the moment she was giving permission.
Fast asleep in my arms where she belonged after being fucked damn near into the cupboards, I traced her skin with my fingers completely in awe over how soft she was. Pharis was all smooth plains and unblemished landscape. She had a few visible scars from her football days, but no past tragedies marring her skin. She was utterly perfect. Two years ago, these same thoughts broke me out into a cold sweat. The idea that there was someone out there who wanted to fuck with her perfection was too much for me.
During our separation and pending divorce, I heard nothing from Casanova. As if he lost interest and vanished. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t a threat so I forced myself to stay away. Yet, no matter how much time passed, I still had nights when I woke up swinging, needing to pulverize the bastard, ending his existence only to wake to an empty room.
Mornings waking up to cold sheets where my wife should be sleeping safely next to me but wasn’t.
Always asking myself if I had made the right decision.
Wondering if I had come clean to her which path I would have taken.
Knowing Pharis she would have stood her ground demanding we fight—together.
Knowing myself, I would have agreed, putting her life in jeopardy for those precious moments with her.
When it came to her my selfishness had no bounds.
So, I kept the demons far from Pharis, far from the guys because they would have backed her decision, and I wouldn’t have been strong enough to say no.
Last night, I wasn’t strong enough to be gentle with her either.
Taking her relentlessly, savagely.
But fucking beautifully.
“You’re thinking too hard,” she said, snuggling deeper into my side.
“I’m not sorry,” I managed to grate out. “For not telling you, for making you divorce me. I’m not fucking sorry.”
“Listen,” she said, perching her chin on my chest. “I’m not sorry I didn’t tell you about the job offers either. We know each other too well. You would have insisted we leave for my career, and I would have insisted we stay together and fight. Shit, Eddie. If that’s the worst of our sins, I’m okay with it.”
Clutching her tighter, I asked, “If I had told you, would you really have fought?”
“I would have Nancy Drewed that motherfucker,” she said, watching me closely. “And that’s exactly why you didn’t tell me.”
“I don’t ever want to leave this bed,” I groaned. “Just let me live inside you.”
Chuckling, Pharis kissed my chest. “Love is a daily choice. And every morning I woke up in your arms, I chose to love you. Uniform on or off, the choice was mine. In happy times and sad, I chose you. After you left, I still chose to love you, even thinking you didn’t love me back.”
“I never stopped,” I promised her.
“But I didn’t know that. And no matter how hard I tried to stop, I never regretted my choice. I will always choose to love you. It will always be you, Eddie. Even when the world gets in the way.”
This was the part where the male declares his undying love for his female except, the words won’t come.
They never did.
And instead of looking into her eyes and seeing disappoint, I slid back inside of Pharis hoping she understood what I was forever unable to say.
The day I met with the attorney she asked me what I guessed were standard pre-divorce questions. Not only had I struggled to answer them, I cried ugly tears even trying to get simple words out. I was raw and in shock that I was at this woman’s office at all.
For most of that appointment, I couldn’t believe this was happening.
But then, when I came back and gave my deposit, reality punched me in the face and continued assaulting me on a daily basis throughout the entire process.
Post-divorce was basically the same, only I was slightly more bitter and jaded after coming to terms with how much of a fucking failure I was that I couldn’t make my marriage work.
The thing about divorce is you have no choice but to feel it.
Every aspect of it.
Real quick I realized sleeping alone was lonely. That he would not be there. Ever again. He was gone. Yes, I wanted to hide, and no, I didn’t want to talk about it. Still, I missed his cooking. I mourned the empty spot on my ring finger where his promise once sat. I lost nights of sleep wondering if he’s moved on and if so, what did she have that I didn’t? The division of friends and assets. Remembering what falling in love with him felt like and torturing myself with the memory of slowly losing it. Every fucking what if that snuck into my thoughts rendering me frozen and angry. Forgetting Eddie, for me, was impossible. Loving him and losing him was a sharp poisonous blade I kept falling on. Every single fucking day.
I felt all of these things for a man who never even told me he loved me.
A lesser woman would stew over her ex-husband’s aversion to saying the words I love you.
But I wasn’t a lesser woman and sadly, I was used to it.
That didn’t mean there were times it didn’t weigh on me. Because it did.
I was only human, and thereby prone to fits of strong emotion. However, I had to remember that Eddie showed me in other ways. Like last night when he showed me over and over again how he cared. How he obsessed like I did, hungered for what he knew we could be again.
In the love making department, neither of us forgot how the other liked it.
He knew how hard I liked my hips gripped, just as I knew how much he got off on his balls being sucked. We shared moments of intensity followed by our usual playful humor. And when we were both heaps of gasping flesh, falling asleep attached to him was effortless.
Falling asleep next to him, entwined with him, I felt loved.
But waking up to an empty bed after a night of passion kind of left me feeling hollow. However, I supposed I’d have to get used to it. This time around was going to be different because we weren’t the same people anymore.
So, I handled my morning business only to find Eddie along with Aaron and Butch taking up residency in my kitchen.
And I no sooner had I mumbled, “Morning,” that Eddie had a cup of coffee and an open lap waiting for me.
Snuggling in easily, I was taking my first sip when Eddie said, “Wasn’t planning on leaving that bed until these fuckers showed up, superstar.”
At his words a warm feeling came over me, and I felt foolish for doubting him. Clearly, I was still working on my trust issues.
I was reflecting on that when Butch chimed in, “I was just telling Eddie that all your dates ran clean.”
“That’s good.” I smiled his way.
“Though that Calder guy made it clear he was happy to wait for your phone call.”
“Oh.” Okay, awkward but also kind of hilarious, and I don’t know... hot.
“Fuck that guy,” Eddie said gripping my side.
“From what he said,” Butch added “That’s exactly where they were headed before you interrupted.”
Why he was goading Eddie, I wasn’t sure, so I deflected, “What’s our next step then?”
Growling from beh
ind me, Eddie said, “Painting your kitchen.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Who wants to walk into their kitchen every day and see adulterer misspelled?”
Smirking, Aaron added, “Connie is working from home today and demanding brunch, superstar. Give her a call.”
Since you could cut the tension at my table with a knife, I agreed with, “Roger that,” at the same time Eddie said, “You two can drink here.”
Eyeing him, I made it clear, “When two people start dating they have this thing called discussions. They do not give the other orders.”
When his eyes narrowed, I squeezed my thighs together because I loved it when Eddie went alpha. “After last night we’ve surpassed dating, superstar. Last night you claimed me just as hard as I claimed you.”
Blushing at the reminder, I nodded, “I remember.”
“Visual,” Butch mumbled.
“TMI,” Aaron coughed.
“Then you’ll remember your nails scoring my chest so deep, I bled for you.”
“Eddie...”
“I'll arrange eyes on them.” Aaron smirked. “Unless you prefer a leash.”
At the thought, my intake of breath hit Eddie right in the balls because I felt him swell beneath me. “Stay local and keep your phone on,” he advised.
“Okay.”
“Okay,” he exhaled and knowing this was hard for him I rest my forehead on his for a moment before I exited to the quiet of my shower.
Oh, and I can sum brunch up in one word: drunk.
Pharis had just left for the field when Connie let herself into our home.
“She just left,” I pointed out. “And try knocking.”
“Actually, I came here to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Why?” She laughed. “Because I have some shit to say.”
Before I could utter a word, she blurted, “You left us out of the wedding.”
“And?”
“She’s our best friend, Eddie,” she said, wiping her eyes. “We had no idea you even eloped until she called for a pickup from the airport.”
“And you’re pissed I wanted her to myself?”
“No,” she snapped. “I mean yes. She was ours first, she was her parents’ first. Not being included hurt.”
“I’m sorry,” I said honestly. “We just didn’t want to wait.”
“I get that, but we didn’t get the chance to be bridesmaids, throw her a real bachelorette party. Her dad didn’t get to give her away.”
“We’re married, Connie. If you’re looking for an apology—”
“I’m not looking for an apology,” she insisted. “I’m asking if we can throw you two a reception.”
Pulling her into my arms, I kissed the top of her head. “Pharis would love that.”
Some women were annoying when they were loaded. Not Pharis. She was fucking hysterical. Animated, vulgar, and overly affectionate. The woman could literally be hugging you and insulting you at the same time, and you’d love every second of it. She was just impossible not to adore.
Painting her kitchen didn’t take long, especially with the guys’ help.
Butch and Aaron used that time to razz my ass about being whipped, and I used my fist to drive home that this was fine by me.
Inside the bar, I relieved the rookies who clearly enjoyed being in charge of watching her while Aaron grabbed us a beer. From a distance I watched them turn the heads of men and women alike.
The beauty of it was neither of them had any idea they had an audience.
But believe me, they always did.
Especially when it was one o’clock in the afternoon, and they were hammered and dancing though no music was playing. Honestly, all the girls tended to dance and talk at the same time.
It was truly a gift.
I was coming up behind her as she was mid-sentence saying, “—how to speak Miami.”
“You’ll learn,” Connie said, laughing into her glass not spotting me yet. “If you can speak Detroit, you can speak Miami.”
“Eddie won’t be in Miami though.”
“Good,” she cackled loud. “Then maybe you’ll get over his ass. You’ll never know if you don’t sample, and Miami has all the flavors.” Connie, I should mention, was protective of Pharis before we married; she was downright territorial after the divorce. And while I’d never tell her so, I was fucking glad my woman had that. Though I wouldn’t admit it out loud I knew I had to earn Connie’s trust too, and I was okay with it.
“I’ll never be over his ass, Connie. And I don’t want to sample men. My one venture into the dating world was enough. I don’t belong there. I belong with Eddie.”
Wrapping my arms around her shoulders before she could say more, I announced, “Follow your heart, superstar.”
“Last time she did that,” Connie snapped while shaking her ass. “She slept in your clothes for a solid month wondering what she did wrong. She didn’t eat. She didn’t leave the house unless it was for work. I had to con her into fucking dating, and you showed up to ruin that for her too.”
“Not doing this with you, Connie,” I warned just as loudly.
“Hurting Pharis hurt the group,” she argued still managing to dance. “It hurt me.”
“The group survived, and you will too,” I assured her.
“And what about Pharis?” she countered, finally stopping her dance moves.
“Drop it, Connie,” Pharis said low.
“I’m not dropping shit,” she squealed in fury. “Who’s going to hold your hair back in Miami, huh? Because my arms sure as fuck aren’t that long.”
“Do it,” Pharis said, planting a hip to show she was getting fired up.
“You sure?” Connie said, doing the same. “Don’t want to hurt precious Eddie’s feelings.”
“Do what?” I asked confused.
“Go on, call the baby ugly" Pharis said. "You know you want to.”
“Damn right I do,” Connie said on a burp.
“What baby?” I asked a little louder.
“It means to tell the truth,” Pharis explained.
Narrowing her eyes at me, Connie blurted, “I don’t want you dating, Pharis.”
“Excuse me?” I seethed, right as Aaron shows to pull her back.
“I said, I don’t want you dating my best friend!”
“I heard you, I just don’t know why you think you have a fucking say in this.”
“Let it be, Eddie,” Pharis said softly. “She said her piece, it’s over.”
“How are you not pissed right now?” I questioned her.
“Be pissed at my friend for looking out for me?” She chuckled. “I can’t imagine Aaron and Butch have been silent about what we’re doing.” At my silence, she added, “Am I wrong?”
“They don’t want you hurt either,” I mumbled.
“Okay, so now that that’s done,” Pharis said wrapping her arms around my waist. “I’m going home to fuck my boyfriend.”
“Yeah.” Connie smirked accepting the challenge. “Well, I’m going home to fuck my boyfriend.”
“What’d I miss?” Aaron asked.
Cupping Pharis’s ass, I ignored him and muttered, “It’s husband.”
Looking up at me with love and lust, she grabbed my crotch and with a crooked smile said, “Get me home before I pass out and it can be whatever you want.”
For the record, it was God.
Growing up in AuTrain, Michigan, I was a woodsy farm girl before I was a jock.
With forest for miles, more animals than humans, and Lake Superior in my backyard, I was a skilled hunter and fisherwoman before I could throw a perfect spiral.
It was in fourth grade when I found my love of football.
And it was in college that I found Detroit.
I swear, the second I entered the city’s limit and saw the skyline I fell in love.
Detroit was home.
I may be a country girl, but I fit here too.
Later that same afternoon, once my hang
over was under control, Eddie announced I was to pack a bag for our staycation. Unclear about what he meant, I argued that I don’t need a bag to stay indoors at my own house. But never to be outdone, he explained we weren’t staying at my place tonight.
We were staying at Motorcity Casino, in a suite.
Not only that, he booked us a spa visit and dinner at the rooftop restaurant Iridescence.
I fucking loved Iridescence.
So I didn't bitch about it because we both benefited from it.
Eddie gets me out of my house and I get a date night with Eddie.
After checking in, the spa did its job of leaving us relaxed and boneless while the champagne he had delivered to the room didn’t last twenty minutes. Arm in arm we touched, kissed, and took our time getting to dinner.
With Eddie, I was never in a hurry to be anywhere.
Once the appetizers arrived, I took my time eating those too.
Sipping on my martini, I enjoyed watching him consume his meal. Eddie was an eater. He didn’t fuss. He ate whatever I put in front of him, which is why I usually let him cook.
I blew at it.
Picking at my plate, he noticed. “You need to get off the divorce diet, superstar.”
“I’m trying,” I said, forcing another bite down. At this rate, I’ll never be able to eat my meal. ”But I just don’t have my appetite back.”
“You will.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, since we’re dating, you’ll have to start the dating diet.”
“Which consists of?”
“Eating everything I put in your mouth.”
“I’ll be full in no time.” I winked and returning it, he linked his fingers with mine. We both continue to eat one-handed. With Eddie polishing off his meal, and me making a decent dent in mine.
Looking out over the city I loved so much, it really hit me that I was starting over, in Miami, alone. That I would be leaving everyone I loved behind struck a pang in my heart. So, when he noticed and asked what I was thinking about, I said, “I’m going to miss Detroit.”
“I hear Miami is fucking live as hell, superstar.”