A chill rippled up her spine. That was definitely a move worthy of her ex-husband; a ploy he’d used many times to get his own way. Every muscle in her body quivered, tension tightening her chest until she could barely draw breath. She’d come to expect it from Roger, but how could Jamie do this to her?
‘Otherwise, what?’ she demanded. ‘You’ll go ahead, dismantle her and sell the pieces to Nick Carmody?’
‘No, that’s not what I meant. I don’t even know what I was gonna say. You’re jumping to conclusions and all I—’
‘Oh, so this is my fault? Wow!’ She closed her eyes, worked two fingers rapidly back and forth across her forehead. ‘You have more in common with Roger than I would have given you credit for.’ Actually giving voice to the unthinkable left a bitter taste in her mouth.
He didn’t speak for several seconds, the only sound their quickened breathing echoing in the silence of the hallway. ‘That was an almost unforgiveable thing to say, Gem, but I can see you’re upset so even though it hurts like hell I’m gonna try to forget that you just compared me to the professor.’
He sounded so reasonable. But then so had Roger. In the beginning, before she discovered the monster beneath the charming façade.
What if the same thing happened with this man? She’d fantasised for seven years about the Jamie she’d known back then, but it had only been a week since they’d met up again and, yes, they’d grown close over these few days but in reality they hardly knew each other at all. What if she let him into Drew’s life and he proved not to be the man she thought he was? Her heart couldn’t take that again, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to her son.
And what if he left her? Again.
When she opened her eyes, Jamie stood within touching distance, staring at her like he’d never seen her before. ‘What is going on in that head of yours, Gem? Tell me. Say something.’
All she wanted was to get away, to already be driving back to Sydney alone, nursing her churning emotions in her own way, her own time. If the only way Jamie would let it go was to hear part of the truth, she owed him that.
‘Too much has happened too quickly. It’s different for you, you’re a risk-taker. I’m not, and I won’t gamble with my son’s future. I’m being realistic. It’s far too soon for you and me to be making life-changing decisions, and I think we both need time apart to come to grips with our feelings for one another.’
‘In other words, you want time out. I know exactly how I feel about you. And about my son.’
His eyes pleaded with hers, but she couldn’t give him the response she knew he wanted. ‘We both need it,’ she insisted.
He ran a hand along the rough wall of excavated rock, clearly deep in thought, before finally breaking the difficult silence. ‘Escape used to be my go-to reaction, too. Any situation I didn’t want to face, I’d hightail it the other way. Trouble handling the death of my mother? Reject my friends with all their pitying looks and fall in with the wrong crowd. Failing at uni? Drop out.’ He turned his troubled gaze on her. ‘But, Gem, I’ve learned the futility of cutting and running, and I will never—never,’ he repeated, with enough urgency to make her want to believe he meant it, ‘do that to you and Drew.’
But wanting to believe wasn’t enough.
‘So what are you going to do? Move to Sydney to be close to us?’ The outright challenge in her voice wasn’t intentional, but she needed an answer.
He shifted his gaze away and shoved both hands into the pockets of his jeans. ‘Okay ...’ he said hesitantly, then cleared his throat. ‘This is all stuff we need to talk about. Of course I’ll be coming to Sydney to meet my son, and I’ll need to be there for a while to help install Gracie. If we can come to an arrangement for her sale, that is.’
‘And then what?’
‘Well, I thought ... I was, um, hoping you ... ’ He glanced sideways at her. Why was he grasping for an answer to a straightforward question? ‘I mean, I had considered that maybe you and Drew might think about moving here. I can’t just up and leave Harry to run the motel on his own, and I don’t want to leave the chamber of commerce in the lurch, not when we’re so close to sealing a deal with the tourist board.’
This was turning into a nightmare. ‘And what about my job with Museum Australasia, Jamie? Have you any idea how hard I’ve worked to get this far? I’ve dreamed of being a palaeontologist since I was a little kid and I love my job. You’d ask me to give that up?’
‘These are exactly the things we need to discuss,’ he said stiffly, his features hardening along with his voice, adding another layer to the invisible barrier building between them.
She couldn’t stand it any longer. ‘I’m sorry but you’re asking too much of me.’ She turned and walked away, a cascade of tears slipping from brimming eyes.
Chapter 24
Jamie pushed back into the chair behind the reception desk and absently assessed the day through the glass of the front door. Red dirt. Blue sky. Blazing sun. Another scorcher on the way.
So what else was new?
Nothing. Now that Harry and Lou were back home, and Nick Carmody and Gem had gone, each day played out the same, leaving him with way too much spare time.
Despite his determination not to let it happen his thoughts returned to Gem, as they had day after day for the past three weeks since she’d left. One thing he’d always admired about her was the way she knew exactly what she wanted and went for it. She’d wanted a degree in palaeontology and she’d got it—with Honours, no less—despite the massive difficulties life had thrown at her at the time. She’d wanted a job with the prestigious Museum Australasia; she’d achieved that.
And she’d told him once, all those years ago, that she’d set her sights on him the first time she saw him. Well, she’d certainly succeeded there! To the point where she’d tapped into him so deeply that even years later she still did things to his insides that he had no control over.
But looking back with the benefit of hindsight, it was her single-mindedness that had driven them apart. She simply hadn’t been able to accept that not everyone had their life planned out ahead of them, or even wanted it to be that way. Her own determination to finish uni and forge a career for herself, while he’d been struggling to work out what he wanted to do with his life, had been a major contributing factor to their initial breakup.
God knows he’d been more than grateful to witness the gradual change in Gem while she’d been in town, from the mere shadow of herself she’d been when she arrived in Rainbow Cliffs back to the girl he’d once known and loved, but that very same single-mindedness—no, bloody-mindedness—of hers had left them strangers again. During their confrontation on the day she’d left, even if she hadn’t meant to be so dismissive of his thoughts and his feelings regarding the need to discuss their future, the inference was clear.
His plan wasn’t good enough for her and Drew.
They’d spoken every day of that first week after her return to Sydney, but conversation had been stilted and with a lot left unsaid. She’d agreed that she wanted his son to get to know him—something he desperately wanted, too, and constantly emphasised—but it was to be on her terms. Finally, things had come to a head. Gem had asked him to stop calling, pleading for time and space to sort things out.
Trying to pressure her into making a decision with such far-reaching effects on them all had been the wrong thing to do, he could see that now. Gem had always needed time to think things through, so he’d done the right thing, backed off and hadn’t spoken to her since. But the hurt had twisted his heart into a tangled mess and he couldn’t help thinking that if she couldn’t even begin to consider his side of things, what hope was there for them?
‘Penny for your thoughts.’ Harry settled himself on the orange vinyl lounge that faced the reception desk. The only obvious remaining effect of the stroke was the slower pace his father operated at these days.
Jamie offered a quick affectionate grin. ‘If that’s all you’re offering, I think I’ll
pass.’
‘Just because you’ve got a bit of money behind you now that Gracie’s been sold doesn’t mean you should stick your nose up at the opportunity to make more,’ his father joked.
‘True. Although you have to admit, Museum Australasia has been more than fair with the price they paid for her.’ The Ministry of the Arts had come through with extra funding to ensure the preservation of a unique Australian treasure, and negotiations over Gracie’s sale had gone off without a hitch. A specialised team had already collected the fossil and transported her to Sydney.
Harry grinned his agreement. ‘And there’s the other plus of them asking you to take charge of Gracie’s installation in the new exhibition gallery they’re putting together just for her. By the way, when does that work actually start?’
‘Tomorrow, but I’m meeting with Angela Dow when I get there this afternoon.’ Jamie tapped his pen absently on the desk. ‘I’m confident that Gracie’s gone into capable hands. It’s a good feeling. It also feels pretty damn great knowing she’ll remain intact. My Gracie’s gonna be a star.’
‘Imagine that!’ Harry said with a grin. Then his expression turned serious. ‘So why aren’t you over the moon, son? You’ve done nothing but mope around since I got home from hospital. Come on, fill your old man in. What’s happening with you and Gem.’
Caught between wanting to unload and being aware his father was still in the process of recovery, he poked at an imaginary gouge in the desk’s laminate with a fingernail. ‘You’re still getting over your stroke, Dad. I’m not gonna bother you with my problems.’
‘You’re my son. Your problems are my problems. And I have a stake in this too, don’t forget. A grandchild I’m pretty keen to meet.’
‘No keener than I am. But working out the logistics is proving ... difficult.’
‘What does that mean in plain language?’
‘It means Gem’s still trying to figure out how to explain to Drew who I am,’ he said irritably. ‘She’s insisting I build up a relationship with him gradually without letting him know I’m his dad.’ He threw down the pen and stood up abruptly, just the idea of it enough to fan a slow burn beneath his ribs.
Harry screwed up his eyes in thought and then, to Jamie’s surprise, he nodded. ‘I knew Gem was a sensible girl. After everything that little boy’s been through, taking it slow is the best thing you could do for him.’
‘But I want to be part of Drew’s life now. I want to talk with him. I want to hold him. I want to give him all the father love he’s missed out on.’ He wasn’t aware how worked up he was until the words emerged. Pausing, he dragged in a calming breath. ‘I want to plan a life together as a family.’
‘You can’t rush these things, son. Listen to me.’ Harry pushed up onto his feet, walked to the desk and leaned forward intently, arms pressing down on his fists. He stared at Jamie, forcing him to meet his concerned eyes. ‘I’ve had feelings for Lou for a long time; long before you became aware of it. But I believed it best to wait for you both to become closer before admitting to you that I love her. And if I’d dared to even hint at the prospect of marriage you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have had objections.’
‘Only because marriage is a huge step,’ Jamie said, groping for a justifiable excuse for what he had to accept as the truth. ‘But I’ve always liked Lou. You know that.’
‘Yes, but accepting her as your stepmother before getting to know her as well as you do now would’ve been hard for you, and you’re a grown man. Imagine the difficulty if you’d still been a child, like Drew. Take notice of Gem. She knows what’s best for that little boy.’
He clutched to the hope that Harry’s estimation of the situation was correct, a man paddling frantically against an incoming tide of self-doubt. If his father was right then maybe, just maybe, Jamie’s greatest fear might not be valid after all.
‘So you don’t think Gem’s reluctance to commit to our relationship is because ... ’ He stopped; the words were hard to say. ‘Because she’s worried I won’t make a good father?’
Harry circled the desk, threw an arm about his shoulder and squeezed. ‘No, no, no, son. I’m thinking that she’s probably been scared by her own past mistakes and wants to ensure that you’re in it for the long haul. You’ll make a great dad.’
Jamie pressed both palms against his eyes, the sudden release of the intense tension he’d been holding inside almost bringing him to tears. His father’s praise was a reminder of the huge and loving role Harry had always played in his life.
He wanted exactly that sort of relationship with his own son.
‘Well, I learned from the best, didn’t I?’ He nudged his dad with a shoulder.
Harry grinned. ‘You did.’ Then his expression turned more serious. ‘And one more thing your old man knows for a fact is this: anything worth having is worth waiting for. If Gem wants time, you’ve got to give it to her.’ Despite the soft tone he was insistent.
His father’s words hit Jamie in the pit of his stomach; it was so bloody hard to ignore the longing that pulsed through him to claim Drew as his own. But some things were true, even if you didn’t want them to be, and he knew Harry was right.
He inhaled a deep breath. It’d be difficult, but he could do it. ‘I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I get what you’re saying about taking it slow.’
‘Good. You won’t regret it, I promise you.’
‘We still have the biggest hurdle to get over, though. The long-distance thing. There’s no way I can leave the motel, so I sort of suggested to Gem that she and Drew might think about moving here. To say it didn’t go down well would be an understatement.’
Harry silently considered him for some time. ‘So you reckon you’ll be quite happy to spend the rest of your days out here, managing the Underground and digging for opals?’
The question startled him. Was he happy with his life? Was it what he wanted to do forever?
Or was it just ... existence? An occasional sense of contentment, of achievement, mixed in with growing feelings of discontent and loneliness?
What he’d always loved about living out here was the time to sit and think, to dream, but lately it was that very factor that he’d come to resent, his thoughts inevitably dwelling on the hopelessness of the ongoing debate over their future that neither he nor Gem could win. Loneliness, too, was beginning to weigh heavily on him. He had Harry and Lou, of course, but he missed Gem with a fierce longing, and knowing that he had a son he hadn’t yet seen played on his mind like one of those earworm songs you hear on the radio and can’t get out of your head.
‘I’m not gonna leave Rainbow Cliffs, Harry. You need me here.’
‘That’s not an answer, it’s an excuse. What I need is what every parent wants for their child, no matter how old that child is; to know they’re happy. Blind Freddie can see you’re not.’
‘But I—’
‘But, nothing. Lou and I have been making plans. We intended to discuss them with you before we went ahead, so I guess now’s as good a time as any. Let me fill you in.’
* * *
‘Can you read it again, Mummy? Once more, please.’
Gem closed the ragged-edged copy of Danny the Dancing Dinosaur and placed it on the bedside table next to the globe of the world. ‘Sorry, young man, but you’ve got school tomorrow and you need your sleep.’
She folded him into her arms, closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to his forehead, using the quiet moment to enjoy the slow beat of his child’s heart against hers and to breathe in the scent of his freshly shampooed hair.
To be honest, she would have been happy to stay here and read to him all night. Anything to make him happy; anything to erase the guilt that lingered, even all these weeks later, at having left him to go off chasing the best career opportunity she’d ever been offered. But the counsellor she had arranged to revisit since returning home had warned of the problems of over-compensating, and she’d been trying hard not to cave in. Reluctantly, she rose from th
e bed.
‘Mummy, please tell me about Gracie again, before you turn the light out.’
His little hand crept into hers and the imploring gaze was too hard to say no to.
‘Okay,’ she said, sinking down onto the edge of the bed once again.
His eyes lit up with joy. ‘Yay!’
She loved the way Drew’s emotions showed so openly on his cute six-year-old features. He wouldn’t always be this transparent to her, she knew that—teenage boys were a whole other species, she’d been told—so she’d revel in it while she had the chance.
‘Do you remember what Gracie is?’
She watched his face as he puzzled over a response and a warm glow seeped through her when she recognised the moment it came to him.
‘A pleasie.’
‘That’s very close, honey bunny. She was a plesi-osaur.’
‘Saur means lizard, doesn’t it? So she was a dinosaur. I love dinosaurs!’ His shiny little-boy grin of excitement caught at her heart.
‘She’s not exactly a dinosaur, but she lived around the same time. And just like the dinosaurs, plesiosaurs vanished from the Earth a long, long time ago. Gracie used to swim in what was once a shallow inland sea, about …’ with a finger she circled the centre of Australia on the globe on his bedside table, ‘… here.’
Drew nodded his understanding, his dark eyes wide with curiosity. ‘What does she look like?’
‘Her skeleton is, hmm, let’s see, about as long as your bed. Her neck is really long, and instead of arms and legs she’s got paddles that helped her to move quickly through the water. But what makes Gracie so rare is that almost all her bones are what we call opalised.’
‘I’ve forgot what that means.’
‘You know how your fluoro orange t-shirt shines in the dark, well, that’s kind of what opals are like. Except that they’re made up of millions of colours, like your kaleidoscope, and if you shine a light on them, they glow.’
Falling In Love Again Page 27