by Beth Moore
“What’d you do, fall back asleep?” Matt laughed.
“Uh… yeah, I guess so,” Chris answered, still rubbing her eyes.
“Well, get off your butt and bring me something to eat, woman!”
“Excuse me?” Chris smiled at Matt’s attempt to sound tough.
“Oh come on, I’m starving and I can’t get away,” Matt pleaded. “Please!”
“You’re pitiful!” She chuckled. “You’ll have to wait until I shower!”
Chris hung up the phone and ran her fingers through her hair. She shuffled down the hall to the shower, thankful to have a reason to climb out of the pit that she had fallen into this morning.
Chris watched Matt pick at his food. “You’re sure not eating much for being starved!”
Matt swirled a french fry in the mound of ketchup as he looked up at Chris. “Yeah, well, the truth is, I had to get you out of the house. Lynn realized this morning that she needed a few things, her briefcase, laptop… I guess she left in such a hurry yesterday…”
Chris lowered her eyes, remembering Lynn’s exit all too well. “Matt—” Chris began.
Matt put his hand up to stop her from continuing. “Stop. Don’t want to hear it.”
“I just wanted to say that I didn’t mean all the things—”
Matt put his hand up again. “She didn’t tell me what was said. My guess is that she didn’t want me holding it against you.”
Chris sat back in her chair. “I don’t have to stay at the house, Matt.”
Running his fingers through his hair, Matt sighed. “That’s not what she wants, Chris.”
Chris nodded. “So, where’s she staying? With one of her girlfriends?”
Swallowing his bite, Matt chuckled at the underlying jealousy in the question. “No.” He shook his head. “She’s got a place in the city. Believe me, it’s more than comfortable.”
Chris sat back in silence, still trying to process all of the new information that had been revealed. Matt began gathering the trash from their lunch.
“So, what are you going to do with your free evening tonight?” Matt asked.
Chris shrugged. “Study, I guess. I’ve gotten behind, I need to catchup.”
“Exciting Saturday night, girl! You’re welcome to come out with me and Paul,” Matt politely offered.
“Oh yeah, let’s see, going out with you on your date, or staying home studying. What a choice,” Chris grumbled. A few days ago she would have loved a free evening, just to be with Lynn.
“But it’s a choice,” Matt suggested as he threw the trash into the can. “Well, I’ve got to get back to work. Paul’s picking me up at six, if you’re interested.”
Chris rose from her chair and walked toward the door. “See you later.”
Chris tried not to race back to the house. She set her expectations low, knowing that Lynn would have rushed in and rushed out. There would be no way Lynn would still be there. She was right. Lynn’s truck was nowhere in sight. Upon searching the house, she could find no signs that Lynn had been there, except that the computer and the briefcase were gone. No note saying that everything would be okay. No card saying that they would still be friends. Just an empty house. Chris grabbed her backpack and pulled out a book. She would focus her energies on studying. Sinking down on the couch, she opened her book to Chapter Thirteen. She would need to get through Chapter Sixteen to catch up. She began reading, and then drifted off to sleep.
The slamming of the door woke Chris from a deep sleep. She glanced at the clock: it was almost six.
Matt looked over the edge of the couch. “I can see that you got a lot of studying done!” he chuckled. “Paul will be here anytime. Tell him that I’m running late. I’ll try to make it quick!”
Chris rubbed her eyes and sat up. Damn, what a wasted afternoon.
The knock on the door startled her. Paul was early. Running her fingers through her hair, she walked groggily across the room and swung the door open.
“I take it Matt’s not ready.” Paul smiled.
“No,” Chris replied as she motioned for him to come in. “He just got home. He said he’d hurry.”
Paul entered the room and followed her lead in plopping down on the couch. He sat in silence, wringing his hands nervously. Chris watched the man, wondering if there was something wrong. Finally, she broke the tension.
“Is there something wrong, Paul?”
“Can I ask you a question? I mean, you don’t have to answer if it makes you feel uncomfortable,” Paul said with a bit of hesitation.
“What is it?” Chris asked.
Paul paused; looking down, he nervously asked, “Is Matt seeing anyone else? I just want to know. You see I’m kind of new at this dating thing. I wanted to ask him… but I didn’t know if it was too soon…”
Chris sat down across from him. “What do you mean, new to the dating thing?”
“Well, I was with someone for a long time. He died in a car accident about a year ago. It’s taken me a while to get over him. I’ve just started going out again.”
“I’m sorry. How long were you together?” Chris softly asked.
“Seven years this month,” he replied, and, running his hand over his face, began to apologize. “Sorry, I still keep counting as if he were still alive. I guess it’s hard to get over your first love.” He looked up at Chris and slighdy smiled.
“He was your first love?”
“Yeah, believe it or not, I had never even been attracted to a man before. But he was really special. He had this look in his eye that just made me melt, and his laugh…” Paul answered as if getting lost in his memories.
“Sounds like you have some great memories,” Chris said sympathetically. Then, deciding to ask the burning question in her mind, she asked, “So if you had never been attracted to a man before, what made you decide that all of a sudden you were gay?”
Paul paused to gather his thoughts, then replied, “You know, everyone has so many labels… the plain truth is that you can’t help who you fall in love with. I just happened to fall in love with a man, there was no ‘decision’ to make.”
Chris was taken aback with his thoughts. It seemed so clear to him. She wanted to continue the conversation, so she asked, “Okay, so you fell in love with a man. Is it so clear to you now that you want to be with another man?”
Paul thought this question over carefully, and answered, “I’ve come to realize that there are certain qualities that I admire in the male sex.” Then, shaking his head, he reconsidered his answer. “No, I don’t want to use that word ‘sex,’ that’s the wrong word. It’s not just a physical thing. I’m sorry, you know, I don’t know how to describe it. I guess it’s just a connection that I feel.” Paul looked up and chuckled. “Does that make any sense? God, I must sound like a complete idiot!”
Chris found it hard to reply. It was as if he had read her mind.
Paul reached over and touched her knee. “Hey, are you okay? Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no, I’m sorry,” Chris forced out
Paul smiled, knowing that he had planted a seed. “Well, did I pass the interview?”
“The interview?” Chris asked, a little confused-
“Well, I figured you were checking me out before you answered my question about Matt.”
Chris smiled; did he really think she was that stupid? She answered, “No, Matt isn’t seeing anyone else.”
“Did I hear my name?” Matt called from down the hall.
Chris laughed out loud. “I was just asking if Paul’s intentions were honorable!”
Matt stuck his head around the corner. “I hope not!” He smiled.
Paul’s face turned red. Chris looked at Matt. “Oh yeah, and you wanted me to come with you guys tonight? I think that’s where the saying ‘three’s a crowd’ comes into play!”
There was laughter down the hall and then the sound of the blow-dryer.
“You really are welcome to come with us,” Paul offered.
> “Thanks, but I slept all afternoon instead of studying. I’d better stay here,” Chris explained.
Chris watched Paul’s eyes light up and she turned as he stood to meet Matt as he entered the room. She smiled, seeing Matt’s eyes glow in return. Remembering similar exchanges between her and Lynn, she lowered her eyes.
Matt saw the smile fade from Chris’s face and felt her pain. He walked over and knelt in front of the woman.
“Are you sure that you won’t reconsider?”
Chris reached out and stroked his cheek. “Go, have a good time. I won’t wait up,” she said with a wink.
Matt smiled and nodded; he took Paul’s hand, and the two walked out the door.
Chapter Sixteen
Chris ran into the house and grabbed a bottle of water. She listened to the silence and realized Matt must still be in bed. Wiping the sweat from her face on her T-shirt, she tiptoed down the hall, quietly opened Matt’s door, and then flung herself on his bed. “Now look who’s sleeping the day away!”
Matt groaned and pulled the pillow over his head. “Leave me alone, I got in really late last night!” came his muffled voice from beneath the material.
“Come on.” Chris tugged at the pillow. “I want details!”
Matt clung to the pillow. “Get your own love life!” As soon as the words left his mouth he knew what he had done. He pushed the pillow aside to see Chris’s solemn face. “I’m sorry… there I go again saying the wrong thing.”
Propping herself up on one elbow, she sighed. “I’ve never had a love life. Lust, yes. Sex, a lot. But I’ve never been in love.”
Matt propped himself up on his elbow to meet her face. “Really? You could’ve fooled me!”
Chris just stared at him, then lowered her eyes, pushed herself up, and crawled off of the bed. “I’m going to take a shower,” she mumbled as she left the room.
The four walked into the stadium and looked overhead at the section numbers painted on the concrete. Hand in hand, the two couples made their way through the crowd and down the steps to their seats. Chris sat down and gazed at the view of the baseball diamond—the bright green grass offset by the darkness of the dirt and the stark white lines, contrasted with the clear blue sky—she was amazed at how beautiful it all was. Her thoughts were interrupted by Marie, who had leaned over her son to speak.
“It’s just a shame that Lynn got these box seats and isn’t here to enjoy them with us!”
Chris nodded in agreement, knowing it was her fault that Lynn had canceled. Matt jumped into the conversation. “You know Lynn when she gets her mind set on something!”
Charles shook his head. “I just hope she isn’t getting too involved with work again. I hope that she remembers that work isn’t everything.”
“She does, Dad. I can guarantee that she won’t fall into that trap again.” Matt replied. “I won’t let that happen.”
Marie looked over at Chris. “I’m sure you’ll help, too, right Chris?”
Chris smiled nervously and was relieved when all attention shifted to the players on the field.
Matt and Chris sat in the living room after what seemed like an extremely long day. The game had gone into extra innings and there had been a traffic jam on the way out. Afterward, they had gone to a restaurant that was short on help. The two sat in silence while Matt clicked through the channels.
“Want some popcorn?” Chris asked. Matt shook his head no.
“Ice cream?” Chris offered. Matt shook his head again.
Matt threw down.the remote. “There’s nothing on.” In actuality, Matt would’ve liked to go to bed, but he knew that Chris was a night owl and he didn’t want her to feel alone. “Hey, why don’t you look in the cabinet and pick out a movie to watch. Just nothing Doris Day!”
Chris smiled sarcastically and went over to the cabinet. She looked at the selection and pulled out a tape without a label. “What’s on this?”
Matt shrugged. “Put it in and we’ll see.”
Chris pushed the tape into the VCR, pushed Play, and stood back. The picture that appeared looked like a home movie. Matt sat up immediately. “Oh, you don’t want to watch that…” Just as he spoke, the picture scanned a scene in front of a campsite. Chris had been introduced to a couple of the people in the video, and then she saw a sight that captivated her. Lynn walked across the screen in tight jeans carrying a pile of wood. Dropping the wood, she dusted the dirt from her shirt and laughed as another woman’s hands helped in the dusting.
Backing up until she reached the edge of the couch, Chris sat down without taking her eyes off of the television. She didn’t even hear Matt’s voice until he raised it.
“Chris!”
Turning toward him, she questioned, “When was this taken?”
“About six months ago… maybe longer,” he answered. “I’m going to turn it off, Chris.”
“No!” She kept her eyes glued to the screen in front of her, where day had turned to night, and the camera scanned the group around a campfire. They were laughing, drinking, and roasting marshmallows. The next shot was a closeup of a marshmallow being fed to Lynn, then Lynn sucking the fingers that fed her, and then lips meeting hers in a passionate kiss.
Chris lowered her eyes; the pain was almost unbearable.
“Now can I turn it off?” Matt’s voice came across the room.
Chris shook her head. “No, I’d really like to watch it.”
Matt sighed, stood, and handed her the remote. He could not sit here and watch her self-inflicted misery. Running his fingers through her hair, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.
“If it matters, I can’t even remember the woman’s name,” he said as he left the room. “I never saw her again after that weekend.”
Chris lay down on the couch and watched the tape in the darkness. When it was through, she rewound it and watched it again. Then she watched only the scenes of Lynn. God, she missed her. Watching her on the screen was the next best thing to having her there. This is just pathetic, she finally realized. Turning off the television, she wandered into the bedroom and felt even more alone than the two previous nights. If she could just see Lynn and talk to her… and tell her what? Chris’s mind and body still couldn’t seem to agree on what kind of relationship she wanted with her. She still didn’t believe that she was a lesbian, even though her body ached for Lynn. And she still didn’t believe that what she felt was love, even though she missed her every minute of every day. She fell asleep as she struggled with the all-consuming conflict.
Chapter Seventeen
Chris climbed out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen. She grabbed a mug from the shelf and poured some coffee. Rubbing her face to wake up, she carried her cup into the living room and stared at the phone. Lynn would be at the diner. Should she call her? No, she shouldn’t be bugging her. It was over. Lynn had said so, now Chris just had to get it through her mind… and heart.
“Dammit!” Chris cursed under her breath. If she could just speak to Lynn, apologize profusely, maybe, just maybe… Chris picked up the phone and dialed information for the number of the diner. It took several minutes for Chris to get up the nerve to dial the number that she had written down. She picked up the receiver and began dialing.
The call was picked up after the first ring. “Blue Moon Cafe, this is Betty speaking.”
“Hi. I’d like to speak with Lynn,” Chris said.
“You and all the other ladies!” joked Betty. “Sorry, hon, she’s not here today, had an appointment or something. Actually, now that I think about it, she’ll be gone all week.”
“Thanks anyway,” Chris said as she hung up the receiver.
Chris finished the last of her coffee and walked into the kitchen for a refill. As she passed by the refrigerator, she saw the same note clipped to a magnet that had been there all week, but this time it meant something. The note read: “Don’t forget meeting—-June 4,9 a.m.” Chris walked back to the phone, this time dialing the number that she had found on
the letterhead of Lynn’s investment firm.
“Good morning, Peabody, Smith, Hadley, and Gregory. How may I direct your call?”
“Is Lynn Gregory available?” Chris asked shyly.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Gregory is in a partners’ meeting until noon. Can someone else help you?”
“No, thanks,” Chris replied. She hung up the phone. Noon. She could get ready and make it to the office by noon. Then she would have to talk to me. Chris ran to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad day after all.
Chris stood outside the tenth-floor office of Peabody, Smith, Hadley, and Gregory. She was on time even after getting lost within the city streets several times. She swung open the glass door and was instantly impressed by the interior of the office. Marble floors, leather couches, the smooth, sleek teak finish on the half-moon-shaped receptionist counter. She approached the receptionist, who held up one finger to signal that she was on the phone and would be with her in one minute.
Finally, the receptionist acknowledged her. “May I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like to see Lynn Gregory,” Chris stated.
“Do you have an appointment with Ms. Gregory?”
“No, but I believe that she’ll see me.”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Gregory is in a meeting at the moment. If you’d like to wait…”
“Yes, thank you, I’ll wait,” Chris said. She walked over to one of the couches and sank down into the cushions. She reviewed her magazine selections and chose the one containing the article “Muscles and Your Body. How They Work for You.” She stared at the pages but could only concentrate on what she would say to Lynn. Unfortunately, she still didn’t know exactly what she was going to say. She played out several different scenarios in her mind, but nothing sounded quite right.
Chris looked at her watch—one o’clock. She had been nervously waiting for an hour. She had flipped through a half a dozen articles when she heard the voice. She looked up, trying to find the sound. Suddenly, she saw Lynn. At least Chris thought it was Lynn. But this was clearly not the Lynn that was familiar to her, this was a different Lynn Gregory.