by Beth Moore
“Ms. Gregory, some flowers were just delivered for you. New girlfriend, perhaps?”
She smiled at Todd’s question. “Not that I’m aware of.”
“Would you like me to read the card?” he offered.
“No,” she replied as she let out a laugh, knowing that he just loved any juicy tidbit that she’d share with him. “Will you have the courier deliver them over to the hotel, please?” Lynn asked. She hung up the phone. Flowers. Who would send her flowers?
The courier arrived an hour later and Lynn opened the door to find a vase mil of daisies. Her heart dropped. She thanked the courier and set the flowers on the table. Pulling out the card, she hesitated. Would this be good news or bad news? Slowly, she read the writing:
Even daisies can’t make this place feel like home without you. I miss you. Chris.
Feelings flooded over her. Chris was missing her. Did this mean anything? Lynn called her regular florist and ordered flowers for Chris, throwing in an extra twenty dollars for guaranteed delivery within the hour. She dictated the message for the card:
I can come home right now, all you have to do is ask. But please understand-, I won’t be coming home as a friend. The decision is yours. I love you. Lynn.
Lynn also included her voice mail number. She didn’t want Chris to know where she was, and she didn’t want to talk to her. She was uneasy about what the answer would be.
When the florist delivered the flowers to Chris, she answered the door and almost had a panic attack. On the spur of the moment, Chris had sent flowers to Lynn’s office with a note saying that she missed her. She wasn’t really sure what it would accomplish but just wanted Lynn to know that she was still thinking of her. Now, she feared Lynn had refused the flowers and the young man was there to return her money. Chris was startled when he turned back toward the truck.
“I just wanted to make sure someone was home before I lugged the flowers up here!” came his voice from down the steps. Chris watched as he returned with a dozen yellow roses.
“Delivery for Chris Newman.”
“I’m Chris.”
“You must be some special lady! Ms. Gregory never sends roses. She says roses mean commitment… or something like that.”
Chris thanked the delivery person, shut the door, and placed the bouquet on the coffee table. Her hand shook as she pulled out the card and examined the words. She slowly sank to the couch. “Ask… won’t be as a friend… decision is yours… love” the words rang in her head. Closing her eyes, she put her head in her hands. It really was time for a decision.
Arriving on time, Chris knocked on Scott’s door. As he swung it open, Chris was taken aback—she still admired a man in a military uniform. Scott pulled off his tie as he took the six-pack from her hands.
“You still love the uniform, don’t you?” He laughed. She sighed. He knew her almost better than she knew herself. It was one of the things that she loved—and hated—about him the most.
“So what’s the big discussion?” Scott asked as he twisted off the cap from a bottle. Then his face froze. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”
“Bite your tongue!” Chris exclaimed.
“Thank God!” he breathed out. “Now, don’t beat around the bush, because I’ve had a really hectic day.”
Chris pulled Scott down on the couch next to her. “I’ve been having some strong feelings for someone, and I need your opinion on the situation.”
“Wow! Are you really asking for my opinion… or my approval?” Scott questioned. “Because I don’t think that you have ever asked for my approval on a relationship!” Scott’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “So what’s really going on here?”
Chris lowered her eyes and twisted her hands as she tried desperately to formulate her next sentence. Scott leaned forward, cupped Chris’s chin, and raised her face. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Nodding, she tried to explain. “This person… the one that I think I have feelings for…”—she looked directly into his eyes— “is a woman.”
Chris examined Scott’s face but couldn’t read his reaction. His hands grasped hers and he lowered his eyes as he caressed her soft skin.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Chris begged him. “Are you totally disgusted?”
Scott looked confused. “Disgusted?”
“You know, that I may be… a lesbian?” Chris whispered.
Scott searched her eyes. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy If this, if she makes you happy…then it makes me happy.”
Chris’s eyes welled with tears. “Lynn makes me happy.” She smiled, then shrugged. “But Scott…”
“It’s the whole lesbian thing, right?” Scott snickered as he held her hands tighter. “You just don’t want to believe that you could be gay?”
“You’re finding this whole situation a little too funny!” Chris pulled her hands away “Why is that?”
“I’m sorry,” Scott apologized as he reached for her hands again. “You just have to be so damned logical about everything. Do you have to overanalyze everything?”
“And what do you suggest I do, Mister Smarty Pants!” Chris said sarcastically. “Just sleep around with everyone without thinking?”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing?” Scott laughed out loud.
“Ha! That’s what you think! I haven’t slept with Lynn yet!”
Scott’s face crinkled with confusion. “Then why—”
“Why do I think that I’m a lesbian?” Chris interjected. Her face, now solemn, showed her pain. “I don’t know how to explain it, Scott. I think about her all the time. Her face, her smile”—she looked into his eyes again—”her body.”
“So why don’t you just sleep with her and get it over with?” Scott questioned.
“Oh, as if it’s just that easy!” Chris flung her arms up in the air. “Just sleep with a woman! Why didn’t I think of that?” she cried out sarcastically.
“Oh, don’t act so innocent!” Scott answered with his own sarcasm. “You just told me that you think about her body. You can’t tell me that you haven’t thought about having sex. What’s the problem?” Scott continued, answering his own question, “Oh, that would make you a lesbian. No, Chris, that would make you curious. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.”
Chris looked at her friend curiously. “You’ve sure become a lot more liberal. Anyway, I won’t sleep with her unless I’m sure that I’m in love with her. She’s been hurt before, I wouldn’t want to hurt her again.”
Scott lowered his eyes but not before Chris saw the hurt that her last statement had caused.
“I’m sorry, Scott. I never meant to hurt you. At the time, I thought that I loved you.”
Scott put his hand up to stop her apology. “We’ve had this discussion before. We both know that we make better friends than lovers.” Softly smiling, he continued, “I think that right there shows exactly how much you care for her, Chris.”
“Maybe.” Chris shrugged. “This would be so much easier if she were a man.”
“Would it?” Scott posed yet another question. “How many men have you slept with, Chris?” Then smiling, he held up his hand again, and said, “Don’t answer that, I don’t really want to know. My point being, maybe you weren’t supposed to end up with a man. Maybe you’re attracted to qualities she has that you don’t find in a man.”
“But how can I be sure that I won’t find them in a man?”
Scott sighed. “I really never thought that I’d discuss this with you, but here goes. And I have to explain it in the only terms that I can, okay?”
Chris nodded.
“When you and I have had sex… I felt like I was flying so fast that I could break the sound barrier.”
Chris smiled at his flying references. He always wanted to be a pilot and had succeeded.
Scott continued, “But I always felt, and tell me if I’m wrong, that you were always… just kind of hovering, waiting for a signal to land.” T
aking a breath, he asked, “Has it been like that with every man? I mean, I know you enjoy sex, but, for me, it was like every time you touched me, my arm, my face, it felt like a direct connection to my soul.”
Chris watched as Scott blushed, then thought about her sexual experiences. “I’ve never felt anything like that.”
“Maybe, if I had been a woman…” Scott smiled, then tousled Chris’s hair.
“Ha! Ha! Such a funny man for a heterosexual!” Chris said sarcastically.
“I get my sense of humor from my dearest lesbian friend!” Scott hugged her. “I love you no matter what you are.”
Chris sat in silence. Would she, could she ever get used to that word—”lesbian”? Scott again interpreted her thoughts.
“Would you just forget about the whole lesbian thing?” He slapped her knee. “You just need to figure out if you love her, right?”
Chris nodded. It looked to Scott like he was going to have to pry it out of her. “You think about her all the time,” he mimicked. “What else?”
Chris ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. “I don’t know, Scott… I can’t describe it… it’s just an overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach… in my heart…” She turned to him for understanding, this time finding tears in his eyes.
“The feeling consumes your entire soul… Chris, there’s nothing to analyze here… when you re together, you’re happy. When you’re apart, all you want to do is be with her. When she looks at you, it’s like nothing else in the world exists…” Scott’s voice crackled with emotion.
“Scott…” Chris placed her hand on his leg. Scott covered it with his own.
“I’m sorry, it’s just hard for me to come to the realization that you’ve finally found someone… don’t let her slip away, Chris. I just hope that I’m as lucky someday.”
“You will be, Scott.” Chris put her head against his chest. “You will be.”
The two were starded when a knock sounded on the door. Scott jumped up and smoothed out his clothes.
“Who could that be?” Chris asked.
“Uh… that would be my date,” Scott admitted.
“Your date?” Chris exclaimed. “Why didn’tyou tell me that you had a date tonight?”
Scott shrugged as he walked to the door. “I’m sorry, I wanted to talk to you and I couldn’t get in touch with her to cancel.” With his hand on the knob, he looked at Chris. “I’m going to tell her something came up.”
“No!” Chris exclaimed. “I’m not going to ruin your plans for the evening!”
Scott smiled. “I was kind of hoping to get laid tonight.”
Chris shook her head and chuckled as Scott opened the door. He made introductions as he stood nervously before the two women.
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” the woman asked nervously.
“No,” Chris replied. “We’re just old friends having a chat. I was just leaving.”
Running his fingers through his hair, Scott excused himself to change into more appropriate clothes. Turning to hug Chris, he said a little too loudly, “Can I trust you not to hit on my date before you leave?” Letting go of her, he winked and laughed, then hurried into the next room.
Chris chuckled and noticed the woman’s confusion.
“Are you a lesbian?” she asked Chris.
Chris smiled as she walked over to the door and opened it. Stepping through the doorway, she answered the woman’s question with her own, “Are you sure that you’re not?” She left the question unanswered as she closed the door softly behind her.
Chris jumped into her Jeep, which Matt had brought home today, good as new. She felt refreshed as the wind blew in her face. Scott had not disappointed her. He had been forthcoming and painfully honest, just as she had hoped. The conversation lifted some of the weight from her shoulders. She now knew that being a lesbian wouldn’t hinder her relationship with her closest and dearest friend. “Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian”—unfortunately the word hadn’t gotten any easier.
Finding that she had driven around in circles for the better part of an hour, she decided to drive past the bar. Lynn’s truck was not there, neither was the BMW She stopped and parked anyway, realizing that she didn’t know how many cars Lynn owned.
Chris walked into the bar and made her way over to the end of the counter. She leaned in, right next to a woman nursing a mug of beer. The woman could’ve been a model, Chris thought as she looked at the woman’s reflection in the mirror attached to the wall behind the bar.
“What’ll it be?” Sam asked. Realizing it was Chris, she shouted to the woman on the stool in front of her, “Jeez, Shel! Where’s your manners? Offer this very attractive woman your seat, would you?”
The woman stood, motioned for Chris to take a seat, and leaned against the counter beside her, ready with her smoothest pickup line.
“Now scram, Shelly!” Sam shouted, motioning for the woman to leave. “There’s plenty of women over there who haven’t heard your bullshit!” The woman grabbed her drink and left.
“Shelly?” Chris asked curiously.
“Shelly,” Sam said, nodding to confirm it was Lynn’s ex.
Well, Lynn sure knows how to pick them, Chris thought to herself.
“She’s not here, hon,” Sam said as she wiped down the area in front of Chris.
Chris nodded in disappointment. “How about a shot of tequila, Sam?”
Sam looked surprised, then set a shot glass down in front of Chris and filled it to the brim.
Chris caught Sam’s arm as she pulled the bottle of tequila away. “Leave it here, Sam, it’s going to be a long night.”
Sam leaned on the bar, watching as Chris threw back the first shot without a flinch, Sam poured her another.
Chris looked up into Sam’s eyes. “I guess I have a decision to make.”
Sam smiled, grabbed another shot glass, and proceeded to fill them both.
“The way I see it, hon, your decision has already been made,” Sam said, pushing Chris’s full glass toward her.
Chris picked up the drink. “What do you mean?”
“Girl, look around you. You’re sitting in a gay bar. All you can think about is locating a woman you can’t get out of your mind, and you’re proceeding to get shit-faced because you think that you may never see her again.” Sam smiled and offered up a toast with her glass. “Seems to me that your decision has already been made!” That said, she slammed back the shot, dropped the glass to the counter, and walked away.
Chris had consumed half a bottle of tequila by the time Sam came around again.
“Chris, give me your car keys, hon.”
Chris looked at Sam, her face beginning to look a little fuzzy, and handed over her keys.
“Lynn would never forgive herself, or me for that matter, if I let you drive in this condition,” Sam said as she stuffed the keys in her pocket.
Chris took another look around the bar. She examined every face. Was she like all these other women? She motioned for Sam to join her.
“Sam, I just don’t think that I’m like these other women. I mean, I haven’t been attracted to any woman until Lynn. One woman, Sam…” Chris tried to explain.
“Sweetie.” Sam paused and put her hand over Chris’s hand. “Don’t you understand? That’s how it was for Beth. That’s how it started for almost all of these women. One day each of them felt attracted to ‘one’ woman. Each of them had to make a decision, just like the one you’re fighting with right now.”
Chris’s eyes teared up. Suddenly, she felt a connection with every woman there. She threw back another shot, praying that the liquid would numb the pain.
Lynn sat on the couch in the hotel room surrounded by paperwork. She had gotten more and more angry that afternoon after she sent the flowers and received no response. She felt like she had been sucked in and spit out once again. Why did she keep falling for it? Trying to immerse her mind into something else, she opted to catch up on paperwork.
She wo
rked nine hours straight when she received the phone call. Recognizing the phone number as that of the Rainbow Room, she picked up immediately.
“Lynn Gregory,” she said into the receiver.
“Hey, it’s Sam.”
“Hi, Sam. How are things at the bar tonight?” Looking over to find the time had slipped away from her, Lynn asked, “It’s just about closing time, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m calling about,” Sam replied.
Lynn was confused. “I don’t understand.”
“I have someone here who needs a ride home,” Sam said, looking over at the body still sitting at the bar.
“Sam, I’m a little far away for that—” Lynn began to explain.
Sam interrupted, “Look, Chris is here and she is way beyond wasted.”
“Sam, please don’t let her attempt to drive that way,” Lynn said softly.
“Drive? She’ll be lucky if she can walk! She drank almost an entire bottle of tequila,” Sam explained. “Lynn, come take her home, please. She needs you. All she kept mumbling was something about making a decision. I’m sure you know what that was about.”
Lynn tried to explain, “Sam, you don’t understand. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, it would take me over an hour to get there! And that’s if traffic is good!”
“You’re over an hour away? Where are you?” Sam asked, then said sarcastically, “Or should I ask who are you with?”
Lynn resented the question. “Sam. I am alone. I am in the city. I cannot come to get her.” Then changing her tone, she asked, “Please promise me that she will get home safely, will you?”
Sam sighed as she looked over to the woman in misery. “I promise.”
Lynn hung up the phone and pictured the scene at the bar. The music stopped, most of the crowd would have left by now. She thought of Chris sitting alone at the bar with an empty bottle in front of her. Part of her was happy to learn Chris was in such misery. Part of her wanted to hold her close and comfort her. She put her paperwork away and shut down her laptop computer. She lay down on the bed, exhausted after having experienced so many emotions that day. Happiness and hopefulness over the flowers, irritation with herself for having hope, anger over not receiving a response, and finally guilt for the pain that Chris was feeling. It would all be over soon, she convinced herself as she drifted off to sleep.