by Denise Wells
“Kat,” he breathed into me. “God, you feel good.” He pinched my nipple and pulled on it hard. I felt it immediately between my legs. All warmth and tingles. Everything intensified when he moved his other hand down to my clit and used his fingers to push it in circles. That sent me over the edge. My body tensed as I started to come.
“Brad… oh God!” I said. I moaned loudly and grabbed his ass; pulling him tighter against me and trying to get as much of him as I could. His mouth moved to my nipple and he sucked in tightly, biting as he did. I felt it building up inside me again, the tension, the exquisite pleasure.
“Fuck, baby.” I moaned. My body felt liquid and tense at the same time, both satiated and needy. My hips grinding up into his as I spread my legs wider and pushed my hips higher, grabbing at him and pulling him in as tight as I could as I came down. He put his full weight on me and pushed my breasts together, pulling both nipples into his mouth at once.
“Oh shit!” I loved the feeling of his weight on me, loved the feeling of being covered, almost smothered, it heightened all sensation for me. His strokes got shorter and he started moving faster, I knew he was close.
“Oh god, Kat, baby, fuck, so tight, so sweet, so good.” He moaned. I always loved it when he was close. Loved that there was finally a payoff for him after he had done so much for me. I was close to the edge again. My head flung back, my back arched and my legs tight around his waist, my entire body shuddering. He buried his head in my neck and thrust all the way in groaning my name, pushing harder, grinding down, balls deep, just the way I like it. The deeper the better. I felt him release inside me as I cried out and came a third time. A totally explosive and spine-tingling release.
That was easily the best sex we’d ever had. And, for the first time, we had come together. How very poetic for engagement sex, right?
Chapter 32
Brad
Tonight is movie night at Lexie’s winery and I just invited Stacy. I realize, that at a time when I should be breaking up with her, I shouldn’t really be inviting her anywhere, but fuck it.
I get ready for an afternoon run. I try to vary the times of day that I go, which I hope keeps my body guessing as to when it needs to be ready for exertion. I don’t know if it works or not. What I do know is that a fire sure as hell isn’t going to wait until six a.m. every morning to start, just because I time my runs that way and my body is used to it.
I fight the urge to run by Kat’s house. That would take me out of my way by over an hour of running time and I really need to spend the afternoon working on my floors. My dad sold me his house earlier this year, the same one I grew up in, and I am working on renovating it when I have time off.
My current project is refinishing the hardwood floors. It isn’t that hard of a job, it’s just messy, dusty, and time-consuming. I have most of the downstairs sanded and once I finish with that I can start the staining and sealing. I want to do the staining all in one day to ensure consistency of color and finish. I figure my next couple days off will be more than enough time for that.
The house is perfect for raising a family: single-story Craftsman style, with a large front porch, small front yard, large fenced backyard, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a detached garage. The first thing I renovated was the master bathroom. I knocked out a small linen closet, the shower/tub combo, and the wall that separated the toilet, then was able to add a smaller separate shower, a raised claw foot tub, a couple sinks, and some built-in storage. I also added a few clerestory windows for natural light and changed out the existing window to a prairie style. I used sage green and dark gray tiling on the walls, off-white ceramic mosaic floor tile, and a custom stain on the wood cabinetry and trim.
I wish I could take credit for the design, but that was all the cute redhead at the home improvement store.
I finish my run in little over forty-five minutes. As I jog up my front walk, I take a second to admire my flower garden. In addition to my home renovations, I’ve also been landscaping the yards and have discovered a love of plants and gardening that I didn’t know I had. It’s not just the guy in me liking to get my hands in the dirt; I also like to see the transformation from seed to plant or seedling to mature plant.
There is a definite strategy in figuring out where to plant which types of plants and flowers depending upon the time of year and how the sun or shade hits the area. My front deck is a great showcase for my annuals and perennials. Plus, at the risk of sounding like a wimp, they make me smile whenever I see them.
I enter the house panting and sweaty and am greeted with silence. I keep thinking I should get a dog, but it seems unfair with my schedule and no one else here to care for it. If my dad hadn’t moved into a small “no pets allowed” apartment when he sold me the house, I could leave it with him while on shift. I’ll bet he would have loved that. With a sigh, I throw my keys on the table by the front door and head into the kitchen to grab a water and a beer.
For some reason, Coors Light always tastes amazing right after a run in the sun. It’s not my go-to beer for every day, but it’s a perfect thirst quencher. Realizing that I am now too tired to work on the floors, I take a quick shower and then try to catch an afternoon nap. I don’t wake until I hear my pager go off at close to five p.m. and I call in to the station, halfway hoping I have to go in and can’t take Stacy out tonight. But, it’s just that we are on call tonight as a backup for a neighboring city in case they get called out, we can cover their house until they get back.
So, no wine for me tonight, which is disappointing since Lexie’s wine is some of my favorite I’ve ever tasted. Glancing at the clock, I realize I have just enough time to change my clothes before I have to leave to get Stacy.
Chapter 33
Kat
I get to movie night at Lovestone a little early so I can hang out with Lexie before it starts. We sneak away to her office so I can catch her up on the last day or so. I intend to talk about the case, but find myself going in a different direction almost immediately.
I sometimes find myself talking to Lexie more about my feelings than I do with Remi. Mostly because she’s just so accepting and forgiving. It doesn’t matter what kind of shit I do to myself, or to anyone else, she is right there to help me pick up the shattered pieces of myself when I’m through. And with nothing but love in her eyes. No judgment, no accusations, just acceptance. Even when I go from fine to an emotional wreck in a matter of seconds and confess the complete mess I’ve made of my life.
“I let Bauer get to me so I can distract myself from Brad. Even though it’s never going to happen. Not with either one of them. But especially not Brad. And I know it’s just me, but I also know he knows me well enough to realize it’s just me and that’s why he still has hope. But it’s not going to work, I can’t be with someone who has seen me so weak. When he was with me I was weak, physically and emotionally. He never got to have me when I was strong, not for more than a couple weeks anyway.”
My hand shakes as I lift my wine glass to take a drink. I try to mask the shake with a swirl, but Lexie notices. She reaches over to squeeze my free hand with hers. I take a deep drink of my wine and let out an even deeper breath.
“He’s seen me when I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom before vomiting. When running out of Kleenex would set me over the edge and make me cry for hours. When I was so exhausted I couldn’t even sleep. I just laid there in a near catatonic state consumed in a pity party for one. And I know that should make me want him more because I’m guaranteed that he’ll always take care of me, but instead it feels the opposite.”
My chest starts to tighten. I’m feeling emotions that I’m just not willing to feel right now. Maybe not ever again.
“What is fucking wrong with me that I don’t want someone in my life who is going to make sure I’m taken care of? I mean what kind of an emotional masochist am I? Everyone looks for that in life, someone to have their back, someone to pick them up when they are down, someone to be their strength when t
hey feel weak.
“I have no problem letting you guys do that, and I love you for it. But when it comes to Brad, I just can’t let him in. It makes me feel sick inside at the thought of him taking care of me again. Especially after what happened with his mom.”
I start to cry.
“I don’t want to be alone. And I can’t keep stringing Brad along, which is what I feel like I’m doing every time I let him do something for me. But, at the same time, I don’t want him to go away.”
I cover my face with my hands and rub my forehead roughly.
“Ugh! I’ve just got to make a choice and stick to it. Right? I mean, don’t I? Does that make sense?”
She grabs my hand and squeezes softly. “Of course it does, sweetie. Now take a breath.”
“It also makes me a brutal fucking bitch, doesn’t it?” I ask thinking about what Bauer said.
“A little,” she says softly. “But an understandable one. I mean, not everyone can go through what you went through, not once, not twice, but three times and come out unscathed. And by that, I mean, you know, mostly unscathed.”
We both laugh at that. Mine an ugly half cry, half laugh. Hers, a light tinkling, like when glasses meet in a toast.
She continues, “You’re the only one who knows what you need and the only one who knows why. It really doesn’t fucking matter what anyone else thinks because they aren’t the ones in your head and in your heart. So, no matter what you think you should want or what your mom thinks you should want, or even what Rem and I think you should want, you need to just want what you want!”
“That’s a lot of wants.”
“Yeah,” she says and laughs. “But you know who taught me that it doesn’t matter what anyone else wants for you, it only matters what you yourself want?”
She looks at me, her eyes soft.
“Me,” I whisper.
“You,” she says.
I reach over and give her a hug. ”I love you, Lexie.”
“Love you back, beautiful girl,” she says. “Now let’s get some more wine and watch our favorite movie!”
Remi has The Date picking her up and they are meeting us there. We did end up inviting Bauer to join us for the movie since he’s never seen Goonies, but he claimed to have too much work with the case.
As usual, the tasting room is hopping and Lexie’s staff is doing an amazing job of multi-tasking between finishing up with the last of the wine tastings for the day and setting up the movie attendees.
I wander out to the tasting room to get a glass of wine before grabbing a seat for the movie. Remi and The Date happen to walk in the front door at the same time I walk in from the office. I watch them before they have a chance to notice me. I like them together already. I can see why their kiss was so fantastic. They kind of exude chemistry.
The Date is wearing a vintage Ramone’s tee shirt, loose-fitting jeans and work boots, which somehow totally flows with Remi’s tight black capris, black bustier, cropped houndstooth swing coat, and leopard print ballet flats. His hair is cut short, almost like a long buzz cut whereas hers falls softly over her shoulders in loose curls. They look like models from a fucking magazine.
Just kill me now.
Remi sees me and points me out to The Date. He puts his hand on her lower back to guide her toward me. It looks so natural, like he should always be putting his hand on the small of her back to guide her through life.
Remi gives me a hug, “Hey, beautiful girl!” she says.
“Hey yourself!” I say.
“This is Alex. Alex, this is one of my besties, Kat.”
Alex looks at me. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Kat. Nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you as well,” I say, smiling. He smiles back.
Lexie comes bouncing over, hugs, kisses, and introductions all around. “We are starting in five minutes, guys,” she says handing us two bottles and three glasses. “I’ll meet you in there.”
She starts to leave then turns back. “Oh yeah, Kat? I just saw Brad and Stacy’s name on the RSVP list for tonight, just wanted to give you a heads up.”
Goodie, my night just keeps getting better.
“I’ll save you a seat, Lexie,” I tell her. “That way I’m not stuck next to Ken and Barbie over here as the eternal third wheel Skipper doll.” She laughs back at me as she heads into the barrel room.
I walk over to where Remi is showing Alex some of Lexie’s awards hanging on the wall. That’s when I feel him walk in. Long before I even see him. I push Alex and Remi in front of me, then peek around Alex’s massive chest to confirm. Yep, there’s Brad and Stacy.
Yay.
Cute, little blonde, little petite, little button nose Stacy in her print capris, sweater set, and flowered sandals.
Barf!
Brad looks good enough to eat in every way my dirty little mind can imagine. Faded jeans, button-down shirt all loose and untucked with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, showing off his muscular, tanned forearms, and his black Chucks. My weakness is and always has been guys in Chucks. My heart starts to race. I can’t let him see me.
Fuck, where is all this angst coming from? I see him all the time.
I grab one of the bottles from Remi. “You guys can have the other bottle, I’m going to need this one for myself,” I say, with a head nod toward the door.
Remi turns to look behind Alex and obviously sees Brad and Stacy. “I feel you, sweetie, grab our normal seats.”
Our normal seats are atop some empty barrels on racks that Lexie moves to the very back of the room just for us. They are close enough to the wall to use it as a backrest, and only one rack high, so easy to climb on without risking your life using Lexie’s ladder. You’d be surprised at how comfortable those barrels are once you’re up there. I turn to head into the barrel room and trip over absolutely nothing, barely righting myself in time to avoid a face-plant.
I turn back to Remi to see if anyone saw, she shakes her head slightly no. But I think she’s just trying to make me feel better.
I head to the barrel room, grab my blanket and my wine and climb up on the middle barrel. Leaving barrels on either side for Lexie, and Alex and Remi, who sneak in right as Lexie begins introducing the movie at the front of the room. Alex climbs up first, then grabs the wine from Remi in one hand and helps her up to sit in front of him with the other, all cozy-like between his legs.
Despair floods through me, I’m never going to have that again. I’m never going to have that special person, a one and only. A guy who will hoist me up on the barrel to sit in front of him and snuggle with me all night.
Except for Brad. Who, apparently, I’m still in love with and want back according to my subconscious. Brad would hoist me on the barrel and snuggle with me all night. But to do that we would have to get back together.
And for us to get back together, I would need to not have Metastatic Breast Cancer.
And he would have to be available.
And just to drive that point home, Brad and Stacy choose that moment to walk in. The only spots left are the ones in the back, right in front of our barrels.
Great.
Brad looks up and sees me there and gives me an odd look, like he wants to smile but can’t bring himself to do it. Stacy looks to see who he’s looking at and gives me a very tight-lipped resemblance of a smile. I wave at both of them, suddenly hot and uncomfortable despite the cool temperature in the room. Brad spreads out their blanket and tosses some large throw pillows on it. Stacy settles in and begins to unpack their picnic basket.
Yes, I said picnic basket.
Like a real basket with a hinged top that opens from either side. She spreads out a red and white checked tablecloth over the blanket, then artfully arranges dishes, silverware, cloth napkins, and an assortment of Tupperware containers. A real picnic basket with real dishes and silverware and cloth napkins.
Seriously?!?
Really, Cancer gods? You keep me alive so I can watch shit like this? I mean,
sure I know they’re together, but I’ve never had to watch them for an entire evening while having their date ten feet in front of me.
Shit. Fuck. Piss.
I take a large swig of my wine, right out of the bottle, not even caring who sees me. He had to have known I was going to be here. I mean, Goonies is one of my favorite movies and it’s at my bestie’s winery! He must hate me and wants to see me tortured. Just for that, I don’t love him anymore. And it’s a good thing too, despite what I was thinking earlier, otherwise I’d be in real trouble.
Lexie makes her way back to us to start the movie. Then scrambles up on her barrel and hands me a bag of popcorn. I’d almost forgotten the popcorn! She has an old-fashioned machine that she breaks out for movie nights and other events. I know it seems like popcorn and wine don’t go together, but it’s actually pretty good.
“Thanks, hot stuff!” I whisper to her. She blows me a kiss in return. Then nods her head at Brad and Stacy raising her eyebrows in question. I roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders in return, hoping that’s enough to convince her that I’m fine. The movie starts and I focus on the jailbreak and trying not to down my entire bottle of wine in one chug.
When I realize I’ve drunk over half the bottle by the time Chunk is doing the truffle shuffle, it becomes clear to me that I’m going to need a second bottle, and an Uber ride home after the movie. Brad is drinking lemonade, probably Stacy’s homemade recipe.
Ugh.
Even though I can’t see his pager on his belt, I’m figuring he must be on call since I know he usually loves Lexie’s wines. Stacy has provided him the epitome of the perfect picnic: fried chicken, potato salad, beans, rolls, and apple pie. I’m hoping the chicken is cold and rubbery.
Brad turns back to us and whispers, “Hey, if you guys are hungry we’ve got plenty of food.”
He’s talking to all of us, but it’s only me that he looks at. I can barely make out his face in the dark but I feel his piercing gaze to my core. And, cue all the blood in my body rushing to my face.