by Denise Wells
“It was. You’re an asshole.”
“I am.” I don’t want to argue with her, I know she is right with everything she is saying. I behaved like a total asshole. I probably deserve to be left by both Kat and Stacy at this point. But I sure as fuck am not letting Kat go again. I look at Stacy, she’s still crying.
“Are you okay? Do you need a ride home?”
“Getting rid of me already?” she asks, bitterly.
“No… I just… I want… I didn’t mean for it to go down like this. And I want to make sure you are okay.”
“No, I’m not okay,” she says. “But I will be.”
“I hope we can still be friends,” I say and then instantly regret it.
“Don’t count on it,” she says. I’m relieved at her response. Unfortunately, she sees that on my face before I can hide it. “Oh my God, you’re actually relieved. Jeez, Brad, just when I think that maybe you’re a decent guy, you totally prove that you’re still just an asshole.”
I have nothing to say to that. I move to give her a hug goodbye.
“Don’t touch me,” she says. And then she turns and walks away.
Well, that went well.
I turn to go back to the restaurant and get Kat.
I should have known that Kat would not stay at the restaurant and wait for me. I reach our table and see that everything has been cleared from when we were there and new table settings are out.
“Fuck, where did you go, Kat?” I mumble. The waitress comes out and asks me if I forgot something. “I’m pretty sure my pride is gone, maybe my dignity and self-respect as well. Seen those anywhere?”
She looks confused for a second and then laughs.
“Thanks anyway,” I tell her then turn and walk away. I decide to walk down to the beach and wait for the sunset. If I’m going to wallow in self-pity over how I’ve completely fucked up my love life, I may as well do it with a view. I continue to call Kat’s cell, but she has either turned it off or is hitting ‘send to voicemail’ every time she sees my name show up on the screen.
Once I reach the sand, I take off my socks and shoes and continue walking barefoot. I can go one of two directions, toward the fire house or towards Kat’s house. Neither seem appealing right now, so I just sink to my ass and sit there.
I don’t know how this entire situation got so completely fucked up. She can’t possibly believe that I would leave her just because of the cancer. It’s not even back, and she’s already planning for it. I’m not naive, I know that she’s not getting better. I know that with the number of times that it has already metastasized, it will continue to metastasize again and again until it kills her.
That’s not a good reason for us not to be together while we wait for that to happen. She cheats us both out of something good. How can she be so stubbornly wrong about this? I know from that kiss, that she knows she’s wrong and that she knows that we belong together. It’s a choice; all she has to do is make the choice to be together, and we can be. She just has to choose happy, and then we both get to be.
I look up as someone sits down beside me, hoping that somehow it’s Kat. It’s not. Lexie settles in the sand beside me and rests her head on my shoulder. “I thought I recognized the back of that head,” she says smiling up at me.
“Hey Lexie-loon,” I say. “What are you doing out here?”
“Oh, you know,” she says as she waves her hand aimlessly in the air.
“Did you see Kat?” I can’t help asking.
“Yes,” she says. “How’re you doing?”
“So you know what happened?”
“Well, I know her version of what happened, yes.”
“Where is she?”
“I know you want to make this right, but I think it’s best that you don’t see her right now. She’s not right in her head, and I think it would make things worse. She feels awful for what Stacy saw.”
“Stacy and I broke up,” I tell her.
“Before the kiss?” she asks.
“No.” I hang my head in partial shame and anger.
“Why don’t you give her a call in the morning. Give her the night to kind of calm down and see things a little more coherently. She’s with Remi right now, and there’s no one better with helping you see things clearly and pragmatically than Rem.”
I hesitate before speaking again. “When given the choice, do you think she’s capable of choosing happy?”
Lexie raises her head from my shoulder and nods it slowly in thought; she knows what I’m talking about. We’ve had this discussion about Kat before, that she seems to be punishing herself for getting cancer, and she can’t bear to let herself be happy as a result.
She turns toward me. “I do. I think she wants to very much. I also think she truly believes that she is saving you from yourself and it creates an emotional war inside of her and so far the unhappy side is winning.”
I snort out a laugh, feeling very cynical all the sudden. “How does that help me exactly?”
Lexie smiles at me and lays a hand on my shoulder where her head just was.
“Dating someone on the opposite end of the happy spectrum teaches you an incredible amount of patience,” she says.
I smile at her. “Thank you, oh wise one.”
“I can’t take the credit,” she says. “That’s what Chris Pine said when he broke up with that Sports Illustrated model. But it is really good advice.” She shrugs her shoulders and smiles at me. “I’m good at reciting really good advice from other people.”
I always forget just how pretty Lexie is, especially with the pink hair, it gives her an edge that her natural blonde doesn’t. When she’s blonde she’s cute. But with the pink hair, she reminds me of a blue-eyed Sydney Bristow from Alias, Season One. Total badass, combined with a bubbly personality, and a heart of gold.
“You know, one of these days,” I say to her. “There’s going to be a guy that you can’t let go of, and that can’t let go of you, and he’s going to be the luckiest guy in the world.” I reach up and smooth her hair behind her ear.
She smiles big at me. “Thanks B! This is why I love you!”
“Back at ya, Lex,” I say, smiling softly.
“You gonna be okay?” she asks.
“I’m good. I’ll hit the gym on the way home and work some shit out, then maybe hit up Ethan and see if he wants to grab a beer. Don’t worry about me.”
She stands and looks down at me. “Ok, well if you need anything just know that I straddle the line between you two, and I always will. But right now, I’ve got to get back to the winery.”
“Thanks for the talk. Have a good night, Lexie.”
“You too!” She waves over her head as she trots away.
I immediately feel lonely again.
Chapter 43
Brad
I sit there staring at the water until the sand cools to the point where it feels wet on my ass. I decide to forego the gym and just hit Ethan up for the beer. We decide to meet at The Recovery Room and when I get there before him, I grab a table and order a pitcher of light beer. The waitress brings the beer along with two chilled pint glasses and a basket of pretzels as Ethan arrives.
He asks me how lunch went and I tell him everything that happened with Kat. When I get to the part about the kiss, we are ready for a second pitcher of beer and a new basket of pretzels. I tell him about Stacy seeing us and the resulting conversation and breakup with her. Then about how I couldn’t find Kat so I sat on the beach for a while, ran into Lexie, then called him for a beer.
“Dude,” I say. “I don’t think I can wait any longer for Kat.”
“Are you saying you are finally going to move on, for real? And let her go?”
“No, I’m saying I need her back. I want a life with her, and I want it now.”
“You can’t rush something that you want to last forever,” he tells me.
“When the fuck did you become so deep?”
“Nah man, I didn’t. I saw that shit on Instagram or so
mething. The pansy ass wording reminded me of you so I remembered it.”
“Fuck you,” I say, laughing. “And fuck that, I don’t care if it makes me a pansy ass, I want her, for real and forever, or at least as long as her forever is going to be. I’m tired of dicking around with this. She kissed me back today, and it was like nothing had ever changed.”
“Uh-huh, cause she wants some o’ dat?” he says, waggling his finger at me, motioning from my head to my toes.
“Is that so hard to believe?” I ask, suddenly feeling unsure.
“Look,” he says. “She’s being stubborn, keeping you away. She knows that you guys belong together, she’s just scared. She’s wasting valuable time, don’t let her. Go get your girl, man. Put on your big boy panties. Get pissed. Get fired up. Channel your inner John McClane and get your fucking girl. Don’t let her do this to you any longer. This isn’t the Brad Matthews I know. This is a pansy ass. A pansy ass doesn’t deserve to get the girl. Brad Matthews deserves to get the girl. So go get the girl!”
“You’re right,” I tell him, starting to feel charged up, ready to pound my chest.
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” I say, a little too loudly for the environment. I push my beer toward Ethan. “I’ll let you know what happens.”
“Good luck, brother!”
And with that I’m out the door and texting Remi to find out where she and Kat are.
Chapter 44
Kat
We arrive at The Crazy Burro and I’m happy to see that our regular waitress is working. She seats us in our regular spot. “Two margaritas, ladies? Or will you also need a third?”
“Just two,” I say quickly before Remi can say otherwise and insist I don’t need one. Margaritas make me happy. And so do chips and salsa. And right now I want to be happy.
“No margaritas,” Remi says. “Just water and coffee, please.” Remi looks at me, eyebrows raised.
“Hair of the dog,” I mumble. “Don’t judge.”
“I don’t judge, I just worry. And it’s only hair of the dog when you’re hungover, not when you’re still drunk.”
“I’m fine,” I tell her.
After we get our drinks and chips and salsa, I realize I’m still hungry, probably because Lexie ate most of my burger and fries. Since Remi didn’t eat at the bar, we both order dinner. We don’t talk about Brad again during dinner, which I am grateful for. It’s been an emotionally exhausting day, and I’m just ready to relax a bit. Remi keeps checking her phone and texting someone.
“Who do you keep texting?” I ask her.
“No one,” she says, looking a little guilty.
“You better not be telling Alex about me,” I tell her. Amazed that she would be doing that while I’m sitting here. Not only that but with someone she’s not even sleeping with or serious about.
“You know that does not penetrate the friendship bond. You only get to tell people that you are consistently fucking everything that happens with your friends. And only if they are the only people you are consistently fucking. Definitely not guys you are just dating,” I say.
“No,” she says. “I’m not telling anyone anything. Just chill out and drink some more coffee.”
I do as she says and am starting to feel better between the food, the water, and the coffee. She looks up, and whatever she sees behind me obviously surprises her a little bit. I go to turn around when suddenly I’m grabbed by the arm, pulled out of my chair, and dragged toward the rear exit of the restaurant. I look up and see that it’s Brad who has my arm. I look back at Remi.
“I’ve got your purse,” she says. “Just remember I love you!”
Next thing I know we are outside and he’s got me pushed against a wall in the back alley, and he’s kissing me. And I’m kissing him. And I’m loving it.
Until I remember Stacy.
“Wait,” I mumble against his lips. “What about Stacy?”
He raises his head and looks at me, taking my head between his two hands, gently stroking my cheekbones with his thumbs. “You are the one I love. The one I want to be with, Kat. The only one. Stacy and I are over, we broke up this afternoon. I should have done it sooner, I was just being stupid, and I’m so sorry for that.
“Remi said you aren’t involved with Bauer. That’s true, right? You don’t have feelings for him?” he asks me.
“Bauer? No. I can’t be involved with anyone, you know that.”
“Anyone other than me,” he says.
I stand there a minute, trying to gauge my mood. I’m in his arms. I feel safe and protected. And right. It’s the right place for me to be, cancer or no cancer.
He kisses me lightly, then continues, “I know you’re afraid, I am too. But we can do this. We are stronger together. I won’t ever be stupid again. You are it for me. And I know that you feel the same way. We belong together. And if I have to take you to bed and keep you there until you agree, that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
I look up at him and get totally lost in his eyes; reveling in the feeling of my face in his hands, and his thumbs stroking my cheeks. I’ve hardly digested what he’s actually said before he’s kissing me again, and I’m kissing him back.
“Wait.” I pull away from him again, barely getting my senses back. “Are you sure? What if we can’t… “ But even I know my argument is weak and I don’t really mean it.
“Can’t what?” he asks. “Can’t love each other? Can’t be together? Can’t take care of one another? Bullshit, Kat! You are mine and I plan to take care of you until the day one of us dies. And, yes it will probably be you before me. And yes I will take care of you when you are sick.
“And yes, it reminds me of my mom, and that sucks. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I will put you on a pedestal, and I will put your needs before mine, and I will treat you with reverence. Because you are that incredible and you deserved to be revered. I don’t care what happens, I’m not leaving you again, and I sure as hell am not letting you leave me.”
He grabs my hand and pulls me farther into the back alley where no one can see us.
“I don’t get you. Why can’t you let me love you? Why can’t you let me treat you the way you deserved to be treated? Fuck, Kat, don’t you realize just how special you are?”
“No… “ I whisper.
“So, what? I’m supposed to treat you poorly? Is that what you want? Huh? Maybe I should just fuck some sense into you. Right here, against the wall.”
Yes!
“You want me to treat you like shit? Like you aren’t special? Like you aren’t my entire fucking world? Too fucking bad. You are my entire world, Kat. You are everything to me.”
His breath is heavy against my face, his gaze fierce and commanding, his touch one hundred percent possessive. His hand fists in my hair and he pulls my head back sharply, forcing me to look him in the eye.
“Are you even hearing me?” he asks. “Do you get it?”
He pushes my back against the wall, his body pressing into mine, his cock hard against my stomach. “Christ, Kat. I’m going to fuck you senseless right now. If you still don’t get it, then we’ll get to fucking some sense into you later.”
I pull back slightly.
I am hearing him.
I totally get it.
“You jump, I jump, right?” I say with a smile. Giving myself over completely to this man that I cherish more than anything else. Giving in completely to what I want, and what I’ve wanted all along. Losing myself in his kiss, a kiss that quickly goes from soft and loving to hot and all-encompassing.
His tongue pushes into my mouth, unrelenting and fierce, punishing in its pursuit. My scalp scrapes against the wall, I moan at the sharp pain that mixes with the pleasure of his kiss.
My hands twist in his hair as I keep his mouth connected with mine. Afraid to even stop to breathe for fear this won’t be real. He pulls my leg up around his waist and grinds his hips against mine. He’s so hard and the friction so dizzying. I feel it building.
&
nbsp; Fuck. I’m going to come from dry humping.
I use his shoulders as leverage and raise my other leg to wrap it around his waist, locking my ankles behind his back.
“Fuuuck!” he growls.
I keep working myself against him, the pressure building until I explode. I bury my head in his neck to drown out my cries, clutching at his shoulders to keep me from melting down the wall. Brad bites my collarbone, hard enough to smart. I pull my head up sharply to look at him, his steely eyes look back into mine,
“Uh uh my little firecracker, I’m not through with you yet,” he whispers, using his hips to keep me pinned against the wall as his hands push my shirt up my chest, then pulls my bra cups down past my tits to literally attack them. Sucking and biting, pulling and pinching, one at a time, both together. The rough of his stubble scraping against my nipples as he turns from one breast to another, the feeling is excruciating. He pulls hard on my nipple, I feel the zing down to my core. I’m going to come again, just from him at my tits.
Jesus Christ!
“You’re killing me, smalls,” I moan into his hair, loving the smell of him, cedar and soap and man. He chuckles into my breasts, runs his tongue up my chest and neck then nips at my ear as he slowly lowers me to the ground, I clutch at his shoulders, my legs still shaky.
“I want to feel you,” I tell him, moving to pull open his shirt, wanting skin against skin. I envision buttons flying as I rip his shirt open, but instead nothing happens.
“What the fuck?” I stop. He looks up. I pull again and nothing.
“What is this like some kind of industrial strength reinforced fucking firefighter shirt?” I can’t believe I can’t rip this shirt open!
He starts laughing, burying his head in my neck to stifle his laughter, but I can tell by how his body shakes that he’s having a hard time keeping it in. Then he just throws his head back and lets it go, laughing until he’s breathless and red in the face.
“You should see your face,” he says when he looks at me again still laughing hard. “It’s like confusion and anger and confusion.”