by Dee J. Stone
“Forgot what you asked.”
“I asked how you’re feeling.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Well?”
“I don’t feel like shit, if that’s what you’re trying to get out of me. I feel fine.”
“Are you sleeping at night?”
My eyes shoot to hers. Why the hell would she ask that? How could she know about the nightmares?
She grabs her pen and quickly jots something.
“What are you writing?” I ask again.
“That’s for me to know and you to never find out.”
Yeah, unless I break in and steal my damn folder.
“So you’re having trouble sleeping,” she says.
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
My good arm twitches, too.
Her eyes circle over my face. “It’s okay to open up, Cruiser. Nothing you say here gets past these walls.”
Sure.
“I swear,” she says.
I look into her face. She’s dead serious. I don’t know her at all, but I know she’s telling me the truth. Still, I’m not going to bare my soul. “Do you ever have to tell the faculty things the kids discuss with you?”
“Sometimes.”
“Like when?”
“For example, if I learn a student is in an unsafe environment at home, I need to report it.”
Makes sense. “But everything else stays here?”
She nods.
I puff out some air. I won’t admit to anyone that the nightmares bug me. It’s not that I’m scared of them or anything, I just don’t want to have them anymore. Don’t want to wake up drenched in sweat and shaking. I don’t think Rey hears me yelling. Maybe he will one night soon. I don’t need this crap.
I don’t want to tell Lex, either. I don’t want her to worry.
But I can’t tell Carter straight out like this. We’re strangers.
Like she knows what I’m thinking, she says, “We’ll pick this up tomorrow, okay? You can go to class.”
Yeah, when there’s ten minutes left. I grab my bag off the floor and head to the door.
“Cruiser?”
I freeze, then turn around.
“You’re doing great. Keep it up.”
“Thanks,” I mutter.
As I walk to my locker, I shake myself. Like I’m shaking off Carter’s dissecting eyes.
Chapter Eighteen
Lex
Rey opens the door. “Cruiser’s not here.”
“Oh. He told me to come over after school so I can help him catch up with homework.”
Rey widens the door. “Come in. He should be back soon.”
“Thanks.” I get in and close the door after me. “Do you know where he went?”
“Juice Me. I think he wants to get his old job back.” He shrugs. “Like they’ll hire him with only one arm.”
“You never know.” I hope they let him work there again. Cruiser loved working at Juice Me. Not only that, he probably needs to do something to keep himself busy, to take his mind off the attack. He’ll go insane staying home.
“Can I wait in his room?” I ask Rey.
He shrugs again. “Sure.”
I don’t want to text him that I’m here because I don’t want him to feel like he needs to rush home. As soon as I enter his room, I go completely still. Something’s not right. Something is seriously wrong.
Rey must see me standing here like this because he walks over. “What?”
My lips get dry. “His…his ship. It’s gone.”
Rey shrugs for another time.
“How can you just shrug like that?”
He holds out his hands. “Relax, will you?” He walks over to the closet and opens it. Then he bends down and picks up a shoe box. He returns to me and opens the lid. I gasp when I see what’s inside, losing feeling in every part of my body. Cruiser’s cruiser ship, his most prized possession is in shards. “What happened?”
The ship means everything to him. And everything to me, too. It’s such a big part of our lives. Seeing it in pieces like that…it’s like seeing my child hurt. Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme, but it really stings.
“Was an accident,” Rey says before dropping it on the floor of the closet.
“Don’t drop it like that!”
“Sorry.” He holds out his hands again. “Geez, Lex.”
“You know how much it means to him. When did this happen?”
“A few days before we left to live with my dad.”
Betrayal pricks me from all different directions. Cruiser’s ship has been gone for weeks and he never told me.
“How did it break?” I ask.
For the first time, I see guilt flash across Rey’s face. But he doesn’t say anything, though his hands are in fists at his sides.
“Rey.”
“It just broke.” His lower lip trembles.
I purse my lips before asking in a very gentle tone, “Did you have something to do with it?”
The guilt is gone and is replaced with anger. “Who the hell do you think you are to throw accusations at me?”
“Why are you so mad?”
His chest is expanding and contracting wildly. He marches over to the window and softy punches the glass. “Because I did do it,” he whispers. I make a move to go to his side, but he whirls around. “All I do is screw up his life.”
“That’s not true, Rey.”
He throws his hands up. “Don’t try to make me feel better. You know it’s true. His arm is broken because of me. Because I’m such a fuckup. And…” He swallows. “And I wrecked his ship. You should have seen the look on his face.”
Again, betrayal stabs me. Cruiser didn’t tell me. Why? We’re so close. In fact, ever since the attack we’re closer than ever. He knows that all I want is for him to tell me what’s in his heart. But maybe telling me was too hard. Maybe too hurtful. Maybe he needs time. I’m trying really hard to be a better person, to not jump to conclusions or freak out. If Cruiser decided not to tell me, for whatever reason, I need to respect that.
I move closer to Rey and place my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t put yourself down.”
“I just keep doing it. Over and over again. He tries to help, but I push him away. I wrecked the most important thing in his life.”
“You’re the most important thing in his life.”
He snorts.
“I’m serious.”
He doesn’t say anything. His lower lip trembles again.
“Rey.” I touch his arm.
He turns away from me, causing my arm to fall off his shoulder. “I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”
Before I have a chance to say anything, he storms to his room and locks the door. I hug my upper arms as a chill passes through me. I wish I knew how to help Rey. But there’s nothing I can do. He needs to get past this on his own.
Another chill passes through me. Cruiser’s room doesn’t feel like his room anymore. The ship used to sit right in the middle, in its new glass case that I bought him for our one-month anniversary. I spent a lot of money on it and was so excited to present it to him. Now it’s in shards. Cruiser told me when we were kids that his ship is special because it’s one of a kind, that it can’t be bought anywhere else. He used to pride himself in that. I told him that just like his ship was special and unique because it was the only one in the whole world, so was he. He playfully punched my shoulder and told me to shut up because I was acting too girly.
I fall down on Cruiser’s bed and continue hugging myself.
I don’t know how long I sit here before I hear keys downstairs. A few minutes later, footsteps come up. Cruiser appears in the doorway, a look of shock spreading across his face when he sees me. Then his expressions changes. He rushes inside. “Lex, what’s wrong?”
My lips move, but nothing leaves my mouth. There’s so much I want to say and do, to hug him tight and tell him how sorry I am and just hold him and comfor
t him. But I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. So I just sit here and stare at the floor.
Cruiser lowers himself onto his knees so that we’re at the same level. He gently takes my chin and lifts my face so our eyes are locked. “What’s wrong?”
A tear slides out of my eye. “Your ship.” I quickly wipe my eye. I don’t know if it’s pathetic or extreme for me to cry over a model ship, but it meant so much to Cruiser. I can’t bear to see him in pain.
Cruiser’s head twists toward the center of the room, as though he expects to see his ship sitting there like it’s supposed to. Then the reality must hit him over the head like a bulldozer because his face falls. He doesn’t turn back to me. He just slumps against my legs.
I place my hands on his shoulders and lean forward to press my cheek against his. “I’m so sorry, Cruise.”
“I can’t believe I forgot for a second,” he mutters.
I slide off his bed and put my arms around him. He just sits as still as a statue.
We remain like this for a few minutes. Cruiser doesn’t say anything or even look at me, just stares at the spot where his ship used to be. His breathing is labored and I feel his heart race. I stroke his hair and run my lips across his jaw. I don’t know if he even acknowledges that I’m here. He seems to be in his own world. It’s almost as if he hasn’t mourned over his ship properly and is now laying it to rest.
Finally, he shifts and snakes his arm around me, tucking me close to his chest. His lips skim along my temple. “Thanks for being here, T. Rex.”
“Always.”
“Sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s just that…I didn’t want you to have to deal with this. I know the ship meant a lot to you, too. I didn’t want to upset you.” He kisses me. “It hurts me to see you in pain.”
“It hurts me to see you in pain, too.”
“I know,” he says softly. “But it’s okay. It’s gone. Nothing we can do about it now.” He glances at my knapsack. “Ready to study?”
I brush some hair out of his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’ve got you in my arms. I’m set for life.” He nuzzles his lips into my cheek. “Smile, darlin’.”
“Sorry.” I give him a big smile, at least I try to. I know Cruiser is upset about the loss of his ship, but like he said, there’s nothing he or I can do about it. We can’t let this weigh us down. Cruiser will always be cruiser, despite not having his ship anymore.
We sit on his bed, and I open my notes. The first thing I need to tutor Cruiser in is math, since it’s not his greatest subject. He’s really smart, he just doesn’t have a lot of patience for the material. It’s hard for him to get into it at first, but after fifteen minutes, his eyes light up with understanding. He’s so cute. I wish I could snuggle with him, but we need to focus on schoolwork.
When half an hour passes and I realize Cruiser needs a break or else his mind will explode, I close my book and say, “So how was your night with Helga the Hippo?”
“Terrible. The damn thing hogged the blanket.”
I laugh. “Don’t curse my hippo.”
“Sorry. Where is it?” He digs under his pillow and plucks Helga out. With a serious expression on his face, he kisses her. “I’m so sorry, Helga.”
I laugh again.
Cruiser chuckles before lowering her back on the bed. “Actually, I slept pretty well last night. Must be Helga’s magical powers.”
I take Helga and tap her on Cruiser’s nose. “Her powers work the strongest on people who have a big heart.”
He glances down at his chest. “Mine must be huge,” he says, his voice joking.
“It is.”
He glances at me with a surprised expression.
“I’m serious. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen.”
He shrugs, his cheeks growing pink. “You’re making me blush, T. Rex. I don’t blush.”
I get on my knees and press my lips to his. “Stop being so adorable. You’re going to seduce your tutor.”
He makes this sexy noise in the back of his throat. “But I want to seduce my tutor.” Before I have a chance to settle back down on his bed, he locks his arm around me and yanks me to his chest, showering kisses all over my face.
“Cruiser!”
“Too bad my tutor is so hot.”
I giggle as I untangle myself. “Focus, okay?”
Ten minutes later, Cruiser is somewhat caught up with where we’re holding. He leans back against the wall and sighs heavily. “I think I might need to sleep for two weeks. I’m wiped.”
“Then you’ll have to go through this all over again.”
He frowns.
I scoot over and snuggle up to him. “Break for a few minutes, then we’re moving on to psychology.”
He frowns again. “It was easier when I didn’t give a damn about school.”
“But it makes you feel good, doesn’t it?”
He nods. “Not gonna lie. Hey, I wanted to ask you something. What’s up with Melody Hewitt? She seeing anyone?”
“I don’t think so. Is Rey still interested?”
“Yeah. I think it’d be good if he went out with her—it might take his mind off things. I hope…” His voice trails off, like he’s embarrassed to tell me what he’s thinking.
I slide my hand into his. “What?”
He swallows. “I was just thinking that if Rey had someone special in his life, it might give him a reason to change. Like you were the reason I changed.”
“I was the reason?”
“Part of it. There’s no point in wanting to be good and make a better life for yourself if you don’t have someone to share it with. ‘Least, that’s how I felt.”
“I see what you’re saying. Rey lost something he really cared about. Maybe a girl can fill in that void.”
“Yeah. Maybe she’ll get him to play again. Because I sure as hell can’t.”
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”
He kisses me. “Thanks.”
Chapter Nineteen
Cruiser
Carter locks her fingers together on her desk. Over my file. Maybe she’s trying to hide it from me. I won’t lie and say I didn’t try to steal a peek a couple of times.
“So tell me about the nightmares you’ve been having,” she says.
“Who said I’m having nightmares?”
She gives me this face that says, You’re not fooling anyone.
I keep my mouth shut tight.
She leans back and touches the back of her pen to her lips. “I told you this is a safe place. Talking about it helps. It may stop the nightmares.”
Yeah, it also might not. All I’ll gain is some strange woman knowing what’s in my heart and mind.
“You’re scared he’ll come after you again.”
My gaze shoots to hers. “What?”
“The boy who hurt you. You’re scared he’ll try to hurt you again. Or the ones you care about.”
I’m out of my seat, my hand clenched. How the hell can she possibly know this?
“Cruiser, please sit down.”
“I want to leave.”
“What are you so afraid of?”
My ass plants itself down on the seat as I think over her words. What am I afraid of? “Dunno,” I say.
“Well, let’s talk about it.”
“Can’t we talk about clubs first?”
She nods. “Okay. Are you thinking about joining one?”
I want to heave the biggest sigh of relief. For once she’s making things easier for me. “Yeah. My mom said I need to be part of some lame after school activity so I can get into college. Not that I see the point when I’m going to…”
“The Navy?”
Hell, am I even going to the Navy? I got no clue, and I don’t want to think about it—worry about it—right now. “Never mind. So I need to join a club. I was thinking theater?”
Her whole face lights up with surprise. “You want to join theater?”
Why does everyone act like I tol
d them I want to become a priest or something? “Something wrong with that?” I mumble.
“Not at all. I’m just shocked.”
“I’m not going to be on stage. Just behind the scenes.”
“Why not on stage?”
Is she serious?
“Don’t give me that look, Cruiser.”
“Why? You’re talking crazy.”
“Am I?”
“Stop messing with my head.”
“I’m not messing with your head.”
I try not to groan.
She holds out her palms. “Relax, okay? I’m really glad you’re taking an interest in an after school activity. I just don’t want you to sell yourself short.”
“I’m gonna work backstage.”
“Okay.”
The room gets quiet. She writes things down in that damn file.
“Are you gonna get me into theater?” I ask.
She nods.
“Can you get my brother in, too?”
She raises an eyebrow.
“He’s not part of any clubs.”
She rolls toward the drawer and shuffles through the folders until she finds a file. I’m assuming it’s Rey’s. She flips through it, then stops at a page. “Reagan used to be part of orchestra, debate, law club, and student body.” She turns to the last page. “He hasn’t rejoined since he got back.”
I don’t say anything.
“Hmm…” She taps her nail against the file. “I’ll have to speak to him.”
“Why?”
“I’d like to know why he’s not rejoining his old clubs.”
I can tell her why. Of course I don’t. I want to tell her good luck in trying to get my bro back into his old clubs. It’ll be like throwing him into a pit of fire.
Carter closes Rey’s file and puts in back in the drawer. Then she rolls back over and looks at me. I try not to tap my foot. I don’t want her to think I’m nervous.
“So about the nightmares,” she says.
“You can’t force me to talk.”
She shakes her head. “No, I can’t. But I know you’d really like to talk about them.”
“Not with you,” I mutter.