Taking Off

by Jenny Moss

I couldn’t wait for him anymore. I moved in slowly, touching my lips to his, and thought of nothing else.

  CHAPTER 55

  The weeks began to go by quickly, rushing toward graduation.

  Mom was still adjusting to my dating Tommy. She’d come off her engaged cloud long enough to register that her senior daughter was dating a twenty-two-year-old. But she was worried enough about me after the Florida trip that she’d backed off a little in regards to rules about dating older boys.

  I’d gotten used to walking into school by myself.

  At first, it felt a little odd. I could still almost feel Mark’s hand in mine, remembering him looking at me, talking to him about any homework or tests I’d have for the day. I’d felt so safe. It had been nice to walk in with someone. More than nice.

  And it was what I knew. I’d been doing it for two years.

  But now, I felt free. I didn’t have Mark pulling on my hand, directing me, telling me which way to go. I didn’t have those thoughts about whether I was disappointing him, or not being what he wanted me to be. I suddenly felt weightless.

  Over the last month, Mark had excelled at ignoring me. He must have asked for a different schedule than I had at the movie theater because I rarely saw him there. I’d had to reduce my hours because I could only work when I could get a ride. In the one class we had together, he did everything he could to avoid passing by me or running into me.

  So it was a surprise when I saw him in the hallway, and he was looking right at me. I smiled, but he didn’t.

  And then I saw that he was holding hands with a girl I vaguely knew. He threw his arm around her neck as they went by.

  I kind of froze. I felt people passing by me, bumping me as they went by, but I just stood there.

  “Hey,” said a familiar voice.

  I turned around to see Lea. “Hi.”

  “You saw them, right?” she asked, pulling me to the side. She looked down the hallway. “Mark and that girl, Amy?”

  I nodded.

  “It weirded you out?”

  “It’s okay, actually.” I smiled at her.

  Tommy picked me up after school. We got food from Sonic and went down to the water in Seabrook. We sat on the grass and fed the ducks and kissed and laughed and kissed some more. We’d brought tennis rackets and went to a public court and hit a few balls. It felt good to be on the court again, actually playing with a real person and not just the backboard. We stopped at a mini-mart and got Cokes on the way home.

  As we got closer to my house, I saw Mark’s car in front under the streetlamp. He was in the car.

  Tommy parked in the driveway. “What’s with that guy?”

  “You have to go,” I said.

  He looked exasperated. “Annie, I don’t trust him. How long has he been waiting here for you?”

  “It’s Mark. It’s fine.” I put my hand on his arm and leaned toward him. “It’s okay. I know what I’m doing.” Then I laughed, surprising myself, and laughed even more, knowing it was not the right time to be laughing.

  “You’re weird.” But he grinned.

  “Look, I know I don’t have a very good track record when it comes to making decisions, but I know what I’m doing now. Go home.” I kissed him. “I’ll call you. Right when he leaves.”

  “Annie—”

  I put a finger to his lips. “Shh. Right when he leaves.”

  I stood on the grass and waved him on until he left.

  Mark got out of his car. I pulled myself up on the trunk. He sat beside me. “Hi, Annie.”

  “Hi, Mark.”

  “It’s a nice night.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “The stars are out. So bright tonight.”

  “Yeah,” he said, looking up. “How’s your mom?”

  “Getting married this summer,” I said.

  “They’re going to do it?”

  “Donald the Dentist will be my daddy,” I said, nodding.

  He smiled. “And how are you feeling about that?” he asked.

  “I’m in the wedding.”

  “Well, that’s a surprise.”

  “Maid of honor.”

  He laughed.

  “You’ll be invited,” I told him. “The whole family will be there. They ask about you, how you are. They’d love to see you.” I paused. “You should come.”

  “Mmm.” He shook his head. “Probably not.”

  “Maybe one day, though,” I said, hearing the hope in my voice.

  We were quiet for a minute. I felt he had something to say.

  He looked at his hands. “I’m sorry.” Then he looked at me. “That I ignored you today.”

  “It’s okay, Mark.”

  “I was trying to make you jealous.”

  “You made me sad,” I said.

  He smiled. “Well, good.”

  We laughed together.

  I took a breath. “I’m sorry too, Mark. About everything, the way it ended between us. That I didn’t tell you sooner.” My eyes watered, and I looked away.

  “But I knew,” he said. “We both did, right?”

  I nodded, but I still couldn’t look at him.

  “Annie, I knew but I didn’t want it to be true. I hoped it was just something you were going through because of all the pressure you were getting about college. I was hoping it was that. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t. I knew it was me, that you didn’t love me anymore.”

  I slid off the car and turned away.

  “Don’t cry, Annie,” he said, coming over to me. “Please.”

  “Then don’t be so nice to me,” I said, with a sad laugh through tears.

  “Aw, Annie. Come here,” he said, pulling me to him. And we hugged each other for a few moments until I stopped crying. His hand lingered in mine a minute before he let me go.

  I wiped my eyes. “Mark, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you are so very special to me.”

  “See, I know that, Annie. I do.”

  I smiled. “Good. Good.”

  “Hey,” he asked in a lighter tone, “did you know I’m joining the Coast Guard?”

  “Really? Wow. I can see you doing that, Mark. I really can.” I touched his arm briefly. “I don’t think they let you have surfboards, you know.”

  “No.” He looked off for a moment. We were quiet again. When he glanced back at me, his eyes were sad and wistful.

  I looked back at him.

  He looked away, smiled a little, then swung his key ring around his finger. “See you, Annie.”

  I watched him drive away.

  I lay down in the grass in the front yard, looking at the stars, feeling like a kid again. The smell of grass, the smell of flowers, the warmth of the evening … summer was almost here. I didn’t think I’d be here next spring.

  I thought about Mom and Donald, and realized that in a way, Mom was freeing me. She wasn’t pushing me out the door and telling me to go. She wouldn’t do that. And I felt sure Mom wanted me around even if she was getting married. But at the same time, I didn’t have to worry about her when I left. She had Donald.

  I felt light, floating almost.

  And then it hit me. I’d thought about “when” I left, not “if.” When.

  I had to go to the library.

  CHAPTER 56

  You know,” said Lea. “Ever since you broke up with Mark, I’ve had to do these graveyard visits with you. I didn’t realize how handy he was until he left.”

  “See this stone. This is the oldest grave, I think.”

  “You can’t read the date.”

  “I know,” I said. “That’s why I think it’s the oldest one.” I walked over to another one. “Would you hurry? Why did you wear those shoes?” I pointed at another gravestone. “Look at how long these two were married.”

  “Yeah, uh-huh, nice,” said Lea. “What is your grandmother doing?”

  I looked toward the creek. “Fishing with her sisters.”

  “I wouldn’t eat anything out of that water.” She shrugged. “Of cours
e your grandma and her sisters are old.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “It wouldn’t hurt them much. Thank you, by the way,” she said, showing me her pink-gloved hands, “for making me these.”

  “I can’t believe you wore that to our cemetery outing,” I said, gesturing at her clothes.

  “It was one of my mother’s dresses in high school.”

  I looked at the polka-dotted, full-skirted dress. “I cannot see her in that.”

  “My mom has many parts to her, and one of those wears pretty dresses.”

  “One of the first women engineers at NASA too.”

  “She’s a physicist,” said Lea, “not an engineer.”

  “What’s the difference?” I asked, shrugging.

  “Physicists are smarter.”

  “You could be an engineer,” I said. “I know we’re not supposed to talk about your math grades and all, but it is true.”

  “Maybe after I finish playing, I’ll be an astronaut and go to Mars.”

  “They won’t let you wear that skirt,” I said, “in space.”

  “Wouldn’t it be fun to see it floating in zero g?”

  “So you’ve given up on marrying the Astronaut?” I asked.

  “I’m graduating. He’s going into outer space. It’ll never work.”

  “That’s a relief,” I said. “I do have to tell you something, Lea.”

  “What?” she asked.

  I paused. “I’m not applying to UT.”

  She made a face.

  “I’m sorry. But you were the only reason I was even considering it.”

  “I’m not a good-enough reason?” she asked.

  “You’re a really good reason. But UT’s not for me.”

  She sighed. “Yeah, I figured. I’ll miss you, you secret-keeping heartbreaker.” She looked over at the creek. “Your grandma’s lucky to have sisters.”

  I nudged her shoulder with mine. “You have a sister. Me.”

  “It’ll be hard to stay close so far apart,” she said, her eyes sad.

  “See them,” I said, nodding at the creek. “That’s us in sixty years.”

  She gave me a little smirk. “Can I wear this dress while we fish?”

  “If you can fit in it in sixty years, you can wear it.”

  She laughed, then looped her arm through mine. We were quiet and still, watching my grandma in the distance, fishing in the creek she’d fished in as a child. She’d never wanted to leave.

  It was hard for me too, but it was time.

  CHAPTER 57

  Annie,” said Mr. Williams, “can I talk to you for a moment?”

  “Sure,” I said, while the others filed past me.

  It’d been a while since I’d talked to Mr. Williams. I’d never told anyone we’d gone to lunch. They’d think he was playing favorites, which he was, or we were having a torrid affair, which we weren’t. I suddenly realized he wasn’t that much older than Tommy was.

  The last student left the class, and Mr. Williams went over and shut the door. This worried me. What was so serious that he had to shut the door?

  He sat down. “Pull up a chair, Annie.”

  I did. “What is it, Mr. Williams?”

  “We didn’t get a chance to talk about Christa McAuliffe before.”

  “Oh,” I said, nodding.

  “I know how much you liked her, Annie.” He paused. “At lunch at Vargo’s, you appeared to be getting closer to a decision about college. But you haven’t mentioned it since. I wondered if the Challenger accident made you think Christa’s dream of flying in space wasn’t worth it.”

  “No,” I said. “Not at all.” I hesitated.

  “What’s on your mind, Annie?”

  I found it difficult to talk about things even when I thought about them all the time. Writing was easier than speaking. “I don’t know if I believe in the traditional view of heaven. But I think the spirit outlives death.”

  I heard the door opening. A student poked her head in. “Can I talk to you, Mr. Williams?”

  “I’m busy right now, Debra,” he told her.

  “I really need to talk to you.” She held up a paper. “About my essay. It’s important.”

  “Come back after school.”

  “Fine. But I’m a senior. I have to get this done.” She started to shut the door, but then poked her head back in. “I’ll just wait in the hall to see if you have time.” The door closed.

  “Don’t mind her, Annie. I want to hear what you have to say.”

  I liked that he was so calm, like we had all day to talk. And I knew he must be swamped with the end of school nearing. “Remember my essay about Lear? When I argued Lear’s epiphany had value despite his death?”

  “Your best this semester.”

  “Well, thank you,” I said in the way I thought grown-ups might. “I think Christa’s spirit, that thing in her that wanted to do this amazing thing, is still with us. And that I can tap into it and use it.”

  “And how are you going to do that?”

  “The hard part has been figuring out what I want to do. The thing is, if I stayed here, I think I’d be okay, actually. But I think there’s something I haven’t learned yet. And I don’t think I’ll be able to learn it here.”

  I took a breath. “I think Christa might have felt that way. That she had more she needed to learn so she would have more to teach. And she loved to teach. Like you. You love to teach, right?”

  “Most days,” he said, glancing toward the door and laughing. “No, Annie, I do. I found what I love.”

  “Well, as you know, I love to write poetry. It may not build bridges or fix teeth or explore space, but there must be a reason why I have these words in me that want to get out.”

  I could hear the girl out in the hallway, complaining very loudly about her grade to another student.

  I looked at the door, then back to Mr. Williams.

  He shook his head. “Ignore that. Go on.”

  “And I want to study poetry with people who know poetry.”

  “And that means college?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  He smiled. “Do you have the money for it? I remember you mentioning it was a problem.”

  “Actually,” I said, “a dentist is paying for it.”

  “A dentist?”

  “Yes.”

  “Annie, you’ve made my day.”

  “Really?” I asked, a little surprised he cared so much.

  “It’s a teacher thing.” he said, standing. “Well, I’ve got a student, a senior in fact, to talk to, and you’ve got college applications to fill out. And quickly.”

  I reached into my folder and pulled out several forms, already filled out. “It’s late, I know,” I said, shrugging, “to be applying.”

  He took them. “Iowa, Kenyon, Hollins—”

  “I probably won’t get into those this year. I have others too. But maybe I can transfer in my sophomore year.”

  He gave the stack back to me. “Well, get to it.”

  “I’ll need a teacher recommendation.”

  He grinned, looking pleased with himself. “I’ve already finished one for you.”

  “What?”

  “Just tell me where to send it.”

  CHAPTER 58

  So,” Tommy said, “there are three pedals.”

  “I see that,” I said.

  “And one of those is the brake.” He touched my leg lightly. “Do you have your foot on the brake?”

  I slapped his hand. “Much too close, Driving Instructor. I’ll have to report you to the Texas Department of Transportation and Protection of Young Women.”

  “Fine. But it is hard for me to keep my hands to myself when you’re wearing those shorts.”

  I giggled, actually giggled. Embarrassing. “So back to driving.”

  “Yes, driving.”

  “So three pedals. And this is the clutch,” I said, putting my left foot on the pedal.

  “Aw, a driving prodigy. Ready to mov
e up to the clutch.”

  I pressed it down a few times.

  “What are you doing?” Tommy asked.

  “Trying to get the feel of it.” I pressed it down a few more times.

  “Done yet?”

  “What’s next?” I put my hand on the stick. “I want to switch gears.”

  “Okay. You know to switch gears, you—”

  “—I need to have my foot on the clutch.” I pushed it down and played with shifting the gears. I looked at him. “I’m ready.”

  He waved his hand. “Start her up.”

  We were at Ellington Field, which was an airport that had been here since my grandmother was a kid. Among other things, it currently housed T-38s, the astronaut training planes. It also was where Christa flew in the Vomit Comet, which was what the NASA geeks called the plane that flew parabolas to give the astronauts a few precious seconds of weightlessness, where Christa felt like Peter Pan.

  Ellington was pretty much deserted on weekends. It was a good place to practice driving a stick shift for the first time. Especially since Tommy didn’t want any dents in his car.

  I beat on the wheel. “Excitement!” I put my foot on the clutch and the car in gear, then turned the ignition. The car started, and I looked at Tommy.

  “Ready?” At my nod, he said, “Okay, let out the clutch at the same time you push down the accelerator. Got it?”

  I smiled.

  He laughed. “Any time.”

  I slowly let out the clutch and pushed my foot on the gas. The car lurched forward, then stalled. “Darn.”

  “Try again.”

  Eventually, I got the car started and we were driving along at a very slow speed.

  “You can go faster,” Tommy said.

  “But then I have to change gears.”

  “Right.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Well?” he prompted.

  “There’s a lot to think about. Foot off gas. Clutch. Switch gears. Foot off clutch while foot back on gas.”

  “Right.”

  “Shh.”

  He was quiet this time.

  I focused: Off gas. Clutch. Shift. Clutch and gas. “Yeah! I’m in second gear!”

  “Yes, you are. Now, third.”