'Jared?'
He paused, his hand resting on her thigh. 'What?'
'No more. Promise me, there will be no more of this killing and dying.'
He squeezed her thigh, then reluctantly stepped away. 'You know I can't promise that.'
'But...'
'No.' He paused, trying to find a way to force the harshness from his voice. 'Lea. This is who I am. This is what I do. You wed me knowing full well who I was. How can I be other than what you see before you now?'
'Take me home.' She looked away, whispering, 'And don't make me love you.'
Chapter Twenty-One
Lea stared out across the bailey. In the two weeks since returning to Montreau, she'd seen Jared rarely. And on those few occasions, he'd kept their meetings brief and impersonal.
She turned away from the window. They couldn't continue in this manner. Something had to change.
But what?
There was litde hope that Jared would change his mind and leave his aunt's service. And she wasn't about to change her opinion of this war.
Nor was she willing to send her men into Matilda's service. It was hard enough knowing she'd eventually lose her husband in some battle far from Montreau.
How was she supposed to accept this as her way of life? Yes, she'd knowingly wed a warrior.
That didn't mean he couldn't change.
There had to be something else besides duty and honour to the oaths he swore to Empress Matilda.
What about the vows he'd exchanged with her? Would there ever come a time when those vows held any meaning or importance in his life?
Lea took a long shuddering breath, wondering when this heaviness in her heart would ease.
'My lady?' Agatha entered the chamber. 'Lord Jared wishes a moment of your time.'
Lea shook her head. He was so formal of late—asking for an audience instead of just coming to their chamber himself.
'Where?'
'He and some of the men are in the Great Hall.'
Some of the men? What was this about? The last time some of the men had gathered for an audience it had been to argue over a small plot of land in the village.
'Tell them I'll be right down.'
She ran a comb through her unbound hair, then quickly plaited it into a braid before heading out of the chamber and down the stairs.
To her surprise she heard no arguing from the men. No voices were raised in anger. In fact, except for Jared, there were no men present. Instead, five of Montreau's older boys were seated at one of the tables.
Lea approached and saw the missive in front of Jared. The moment he looked up at her, she froze, knowing what the missive contained.
It took a few deep breaths and a hard swallow before she could get the question out of her mouth.
'When?'
'Tomorrow.' Jared waved at the boys gathered around the table. 'They wish a word with you.'
Tomorrow. He was leaving tomorrow. Lea bit the inside of her mouth to keep from crying aloud.
There wasn't enough time. She needed at least a few days.
She needed dme to drink her fill of the sight of him.
Time to hold him.
Time to touch him.
Time to etch him into her mind so she would never forget the feel of his hands, the taste of his lips, the sound of his voice.
'Lea.'
She fought the misery swirling about her, settling as a twisting pain in her gut and as a heaviness in her chest that threatened to take her breath away.
She turned toward the boys with an odd feeling of other- worldliness, as if her body responded, but her mind, her soul, were someplace else.
'My lady.'
Frank, one of the cook's sons, rose and doffed his cap. He twisted it in his hands and stared down at the table. 'My lady, I... we...' He motioned to the other four young men at the table. 'We want to go with Lord Jared.'
'No.'
Jared was at her side instantiy. 'Come, sit down.' He gently grasped her arm and pushed her down into the chair he'd just vacated.
When she found her voice, she asked, 'Did you put them up to this?'
'No. This was their idea.'
'I am not sending Montreau's boys into battle.'
'My lady, please.' John, the cook's other son, addressed her. 'We are no longer boys. None of us is married. We have no children. And to be honest, there is nothing for us here.'
'Nothing for you here? There is life here.'
'Without any purpose, this is not a life,' John disagreed. 'I would rather take my chances on a battlefield than die of old age in my mother's hut.'
'Old age? You have seen what—maybe sixteen years? And you speak of old age?'
'Eighteen years and I refuse to spend another year wondering if there is anything outside this land. I want to see something besides these walls, these fields.'
'John, think of your mother.'
'He has already spoken with me, my lady. They both have.' Hawise approached the table and stood behind her sons. 'I gave both of them my blessing, but told them they had to obtain your permission.'
She stared at the woman, unable to believe what she'd heard. 'You are willing to send them away?'
'They are men now, my lady. It is their choice.'
Lea frowned. Grasping for excuses, she said, 'They have no armour, no weapons.'
'That is our responsibility.' Jared grasped her shoulder. 'I will provide for them.'
'You will take them into batde without training?'
'We have been training with Lord Jared's men these past many weeks, my lady.' Frank's eagerness was evident by the excitement in his voice.
'I would never put an untrained man where he didn't belong, Lea.'
She looked at Hawise. 'Both of your sons?'
The cook rested a hand on the top of each chestnut-covered head. 'They will take better care of each other if they are together.' She curled her fingers into their hair and gave a tug. 'Because if they don't, they know what awaits them at home.'
'Please, my lady.' Frank glanced at the others, then looked at her. 'Please, let us have the chance to be men.'
How could she say no to that? She leaned back in her chair and stared up at Jared. 'You will see to their safety?'
'I hadn't planned on feeding them to the lions or anything, Lea.'
She looked back at the expectant faces of the young men. 'You will stay together.'
They nodded in unison.
'You will swear to obey Lord Jared on everything.'
A chorus of ayes and yeses fdled the hall.
'You will send word to your mothers about your well-being on a regular basis.' She narrowed her eyes. 'And that doesn't mean once a year.'
When they all just looked at each other, Jared stepped in. 'I will make certain word is sent to Montreau on a regular basis.'
'Then I suggest you go spend some time with your families tonight and pack.'
They all rose and dipped their heads to her before racing out of the hall.
Hawise stepped forward and took her hand. 'Thank you, Lady Lea.'
Did the woman not realise that one day she might not be so grateful for this decision? 'Be sure to let me know if they aren't sending word home.'
Hawise laughed. 'Since you'll have to read their missives for me, you'll know before I will.'
After the cook headed back for the kitchens, Jared released her shoulder and turned away.
She couldn't let him leave. Not like this. 'No one dismissed you.'
He turned around, one eyebrow cocked at an arrogant angle. 'Oh?'
'Jared, please.'
'Don't start, Lea. I have too many things to see to before we leave in the morning.'
'What about your wife? Don't you need to see to her before you leave?'
He stepped closer and stroked her cheek. 'I have every intendon of seeing to my wife. I've no doubt she wishes to rail at me before I go.'
'Yes. As a matter of fact, she does.'
'Good. Then I will meet
you...' He paused. From the intent look on his face, she guessed he was mentally running through the tasks requiring his attention. 'I will meet you at the gates just before the evening meal.'
'Fine.' She placed her hand over his and leaned her cheek into his palm. 'Is there anything you need me to do?'
'No. Not this time.' He leaned down to kiss her forehead. 'Just rest and try not to make yourself sick with worry.'
Unable to speak, she nodded, and then watched him leave the hall before lowering her head to the table.
Lea pulled her cloak tighter around her shoulders. Where was he? Everyone was already gathering for the evening meal in the Great Hall.
She'd spent most of the day torn between fear of what tomorrow would bring and anticipation of what tonight might hold. Now, she stood at the gates like some eager, besotted young girl waiting to catch a glimpse of her beloved.
Just as she'd done coundess times many years ago. 'Waiting for someone?'
She spun around. 'You are late.'
Jared threaded his fingers through hers and headed toward the bay. 'I wanted to offer a toast in the hall before joining you.'
'That was thoughtful.'
'It should have been offered by the two of us together.'
His rebuke stung. When she tried to pull away, he only squeezed her hand. 'How was I supposed to know that?'
'You weren't. I'm just telling you now for future reference.'
Future reference. It would be a miracle if they had a future. Her breath hitched. It would be more than a miracle if they had more than just this one last night together.
'Say it.'
'Say what?'
'I can guess your thoughts, Lea. I know what's on your mind. I'd have those fears spoken, now.'
She shook her head, unwilling to burden him with her terror.
'I might die. I might never see you again.'
Every fear, every horrific nightmare burst in her mind. She whispered in a voice choked with tears she didn't want to shed. 'Don't. Jared, don't.'
'I might never hold my baby in my arms, never see him or her grow into a child, take those first steps or speak the first words.'
'Why are you doing this?' Her question came out as a sob.
He stopped and pulled her hard against his chest. 'Because I won't be here tomorrow. I won't be able to hold you and order you to trust me. This is all we have. This night. I can't ease your fears if you won't speak them aloud. I can't help you conquer them if I don't know what they are.'
She pushed against his chest, crying, 'Don't go. Stay with me.'
'I can't and you know that.'
'Jared, please.' Her knees threatened to buckle beneath her. She curled her fingers into his tunic.
'Please.'
Jared had known this wouldn't be easy. And he'd been well aware that it would be harder on her.
But he hadn't expected to share her pain.
He lifted her in his arms and resumed their hike to the beach. When she struggled, he tightened his hold. 'Stop, Lea. I'm not letting you go.'
She circled her arms around his neck and cried against his shoulder. He brushed his cheek against her hair, wishing he could take away her fear, dissolve her pain.
Dear Lord, he hoped this would be their worst parting. He wasn't certain he could do this each and every time.
Not without his heart breaking into pieces a litde more with every parting.
Once on the beach he dismissed the men loading the longships with a nod. They could finish later
—even tomorrow morning. He wasn't leaving the beach until he knew his wife would be able to stand on her own. And he had only one night to make it so.
He'd arranged things earlier. There was a roaring fire nearby. They had covers to keep them warm, food if they got hungry and enough wine to dull even the deepest pain.
It was imperative that she be able to hold this keep without him at her side. Jared closed his eyes and cursed her father. The man had had no right to let his only surviving child live like this.
It had been his responsibility, his duty, to ensure the keep and people residing at Montreau thrived. How could they do so if every move they made, every breath they took, was shrouded in fear?
He sat down on a cover, holding Lea on his lap. 'Talk to me, Lea.' He pulled another cover over them and tucked it around her, whispering against her ear, 'Tell me of your fears.'
'I can't.'
She tried to sit up, but he held her head against his shoulder. Stroking his thumb across her cheek, he coaxed, 'Yes, you can. Try.'
She took a long shaking breath, then finally asked, 'What will I do if you never return?'
The last thing he wanted to think about was dying in battle— especially the night before returning to Matilda's service.
'What choice do you have, Lea? You will go on. You will take each day as it comes and then the next and the next one after that. People depend on you. Our child depends on you.'
'When Phillip was killed it was impossible to drag myself out of bed. How am I to manage alone?'
'In a keep full of people you aren't alone. Besides, nobody was prepared for Phillip's death. It was an accident, a mishap of war.'
'And you think I'm prepared for yours?'
'You will be.' He reached into a nearby pouch and pulled out a piece of parchment. 'This will help.'
She took it, asking between sniffles, 'What is it?'
'It's a list of things you need to see to should anything happen.'
Lea let the list fall from her fingers. But he picked it up and put it back in her hand. 'No. Keep it.
Put it away where you'll be able to find it should you have need of it.'
She looked at him in amazement. 'You made a list of what to do after your death?'
'I'm used to lists.' Jared shrugged. 'Cargo isn't loaded into the hold without an accounting of each item. My ships don't leave the dock without a course charted. I thought it might be of use to you.'
'You have lost your wits.'
'That should be obvious to all. I wed you, didn't I?'
'What?'
He flinched at Lea's shriek. But at least he knew for certain that somewhere beneath her worry, there was still a spark of anger ready to be flamed.
'We must face the facts, Lea. I am and always will be a warrior at my liege lord's call. While you
—you are content to hide yourself and those who serve you behind the walls of Montreau.'
'I am not content to hide. And I don't force anyone to stay at Montreau.'
'Oh? Then why was John, Frank and their companions joining me such an ordeal?'
'They are just boys.'
'Boys? They haven't been boys for many years now. The only reason they haven't yet become men is because you denied them the opportunity to do so.'
'Going off to fight a battle that is not theirs will make them men?'
'No. Making their own decision to do so and seeing it through is what will make them men.'
He felt her shudder against him, but to her credit, she didn't ciy. 'They are so inexperienced.'
'That fault belongs to your father and Charles.' He slid his hand up her back and caressed her neck. 'And you.'
'I was supposed to put a weapon in their hand?'
'Since the men of Montreau didn't see fit to see to their training, then, yes, you should have.'
Her eyes widened. Light from the fire flickered in her gaze. 'What if our child is a boy?'
'He will carry a sword from the moment he can walk without falling.'
Lea tried to launch herself from his lap, but he merely tightened his hand around the back of her neck to keep her in place. 'It will be wooden at first. Then an unsharpened, blunted blade. Only when I deem him ready will I give him a true weapon—one of my choosing.'
'Jared, no.'
'It is the world in which we live, Lea. He needs to be able to defend himself and those who serve him.' He pulled her across his lap so he could gaze down into her eyes. 'And he will need
to know his mother trusts him enough to see to his own safety.'
Jared stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. Her face was cool against his touch. 'You can't let your uncertainty, your fear, give him second thoughts.'
He grabbed another cover and pulled it around both of them. 'The slightest hesitation, a mere second of doubt, could be his death.'
She gasped. 'Jared, I...'
'Shh. And I need you to trust me, Lea. I am no longer a callow youth who trips over his own big feet as he walks across the bailey. I can reach across a table without knocking over everything in my path.'
She smiled sofdy and he knew she remembered his gawky, less-than-graceful youth.
'Even if I hid with you behind our walls, I could die in my sleep, fall from a horse or be felled by some unnamed disease.'
He traced the seam of her lips with his thumb, savouring her tremor of desire. 'Or, I could live and die the man I was meant to be with dignity, with honour, when and as God wills it.'
Lea understood what he was saying. It did litde to ease her fears, but she'd not send him away with her doubts filling his mind.
'I understand you, Jared.' She laced her fingers through his hair and tugged him closer. 'Now hear me. Do nothing foolish. Leave the heroics for another and come home to me.'
He leaned forwards, gently pushing her down on to the cover beneath them. 'No heroics, I have far too much to live for.'
Jared unlaced her gown. The brush of his fingertips against her flesh chased shivers and heat into her blood. 'I swear to you. Lea, I will be home when your time comes. We will hear our babe's first cry together.'
She didn't know if it was the reverence of his gentle, lingering touch, or the surety of his voice, but she believed him.
The breeze coming off the water was cold against her skin, but Jared chased away the chills.
Slowly, surely he caressed her body as if committing each curve, every inch to memory.
His lips followed where his hands led undl Lea thought she'd die from his touch. 'Jared, please.'
He pushed her arms aside. 'We have all night. I want to carry you in my heart, see you in my mind.'
She moaned at what seemed a wickedly wanton way to perish.
He held her fast as she found fulfilment, crying out his name, begging him for more than just his touch. Then he'd temper his teasing torment, giving her heart a chance to beat more normally, and her breath to slow before once again taking her over the edge of desire.
Denise Lynn Page 20